BPDFamily.com

So I've just come out of a long marriage with an undiagnosed exBPDh (who is exhibiting absolutely textbook traits and behaviors).  I'm did not grow up in the same country as he did and moved halfway around the world (partly to be with him and partly for the adventure of it all).  Reading through a lot of posts on this site, I'm very struck by just how many BPD relationships here involve partners from different cultural backgrounds and/or different countries of origin.  I'm also struck by how many nons are struggling with their relationships in their non-native countries where they are more isolated and lacking the typical familial/social supports that otherwise they would be able to rely upon.
Not to take myself off the hook for my failings but I also suspect that I mistakenly attributed some of my ex's odd behaviors to cultural differences rather than seeing them for what they truly were - completely odd and/or off the wall behaviors unacceptable in any environment.
Dunno - just thought I'd share my observation for what it's worth.
B

Hi Baglady,

I couldn't relate more to this sentiment! I mistook certain things for just cultural differences, or sexism in general, or language issues, etc., etc... .But at some point something just didn't feel right and I thought, no, these are mood swings and they are serious, but what are they?

Oh goodness yes! The isolation. I think if we were in my home country, instead of a third party country, and I had had all the resources, from friends, to family, to just having a car to hop in and take a drive in and get a break, this would have all played out quite differently. It's sad. I am sure we were once so in love. A lot has happened.

Did your exBPDh have all the traits? How were you finally able to extract yourself from this situation may I ask?

with deep compassion, pearl.

Hi Pearl,
My ex had a complete, no-prior warning, psychotic breakdown at the end of last year and raged 24/7 for 10 days or so.  He stabilized eventually but was bound and determined to divorce me.  We tried MC but it was pointless.   He had implacably painted me black and thought that divorcing me was the magic cure for all of his troubles.  I was so unbelievably blindsided although I had been aware of my ex's odd behaviors over the years that I could just not figure out no matter how much I read and researched about them. They seem like such an odd collection of habits and/or annoyances and during all this time my ex mostly idealized me so I really only started to experience his BPD in a hugely negative way for the last four years prior until his breakdown.  He is relatively high functioning and his BPD traits just slowly amped up more and more over time.  I have never even heard of BPD before my MC told me that she suspected that my ex had it during our second session.  After researching it - a lightbulb went off in my brain and the jigsaw puzzle pieces finally fit. I've been in grieving for my 21 year marriage (27 year relationship) ever since. 
Dumping me and walking away from our marriage in such a dramatic and literally overnight way was exceptionally brutal but my MC is convinced that my ex has ultimately done me a favor.  She thinks that I would have endured a lot more verbal and emotional abuse before deciding to walk away from our marriage and I think she is correct.  Detaching and grieving is so hard but I have the distance now to recognize that my marriage was dysfunctional and not serving my emotional needs.
I've been reading everyone's stories on here and I can't decide what's worse - being absolutely blindsided like I was or experiencing the slow drip drip of abuse over time.  I have followed your story and I have a lot of concern and compassion regarding your isolation - your situation is so much more difficult due to being in a foreign country.  I feel for you.
Warmly - B