BPDFamily.com

 :help:  I am absolutely in need of advice.  My son is BPD and has been through one hospitalization recently and now is just losing it again and keeps telling me he doesn’t want to live anymore.  I cannot get through to him.  He is scaring me.  Although he said the same ting before being admitted he never acted on it nor did he self harm.  He cannot handle any type of stress at all and today has been stressful.  Please some advice  :help:

oh I am so sorry to read this, and yet I have also been in this space. Your adult child definitely needs you and you need some boundaries... and these are difficult to implement because a boundary can feel like a rejection. I have two small steps I sometimes use.

First is to say, in the midst of the vomit comet of words that come at me, 'I need some time to digest what you are saying.' it almost always buys me time - sometimes several days. It is exhausting I know.

Second - I just also try to keep in mind how exhausting it is for my BPD relative. I can always realize it is worse to be in their shoes. I just have to keep myself together enough to be able to be a steady (but not abused) support.

I hope those tiny steps are helpful. It is beyond frustrating. I hope you can find some small slivers of peace.

Thank you for the advice.  Thank you for reaching out.  I have always been the only one my son turns to and I get the worst of it.  I feel if I try to set boundaries he will fall apart.  I have suffered from depression in my life and I know what it feels like to think you are completely alone and nobody cares.  Am I enabling him?  It’s very hard to hear your child say he doesn’t want to live anymore.  But I get so tired of the anger and the impulse decisions he exhibits.  I snap and I know I shouldn’t so I’m carrying a lot of guilt.  Why don’t they have support groups for this? 

Hi Chamber, adding my voice to MLA1 to welcome you to the group. Glad you felt like you could reach out to us in crisis.

Can I ask, how old is your son? Is he living at home with you?
When he was hospitalized, was he compliant with whatever treatment was happening?
And does he have an "official" BPD diagnosis?
Just getting a little more in the picture of what's going on for you.

Coping with BPD traits and behaviors is absolutely exhausting and leads all of us to our snapping points. This group is a good place to let it out with people who understand. Another group you could investigate, that is well respected, is the  NEA-BPD Family Connections program (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/). It's a free 12-week support group for people supporting a loved one with BPD, and from what I have read, it focuses on education, skills training, self care, and communication.

Hopefully, if that is a good fit, then adding that to your support system will help you make it through more days with your son.

How was last night? How are you doing this morning?

-kells76

Hi Kells76 - my son is 38 years old.  He has suffered from depression all his life.  He lives alone in an apartment.  About a year ago he had a one night stand with a woman and she ended up pregnant.  She is delusional and just expected him to be excited about this and the two of them would live happily ever after.  It was 9 months of hell for him.  He did not want a child but his opinion never mattered. I cannot even put into words the change in his personality due to the stress.  He had nothing to do with her until a paternity test could prove he was the father.  When it did he got a visitation schedule and took the baby but was always so unsure of himself - always felt like he never knew what he was doing.  The baby was 4 months old.  He tried working with the mother but she kept trying to have a relationship with him.  When he told her no way, no how she has now used his BPD diagnosis against him.  The day he reached the bottom he had to call her to come take the baby.  He couldn’t function and knew he was in no shape to care for the baby.  He then went into the hospital and stayed 2 weeks - was diagnosed and omg put on so many drugs.  When he came out although he was referred for counseling in 3 weeks he had only an intake session and is still waiting for his therapy session.  In this time she has refused to let him have the baby saying he put the baby in harms way.  His lawyer said there is nothing she can do for him - yelled at him for being so stupid as to tell her anything at all personal about himself and now he is talking about ending his life.  He cannot sleep again even with the meds and his anger and frustration is sky high. 
I have sold my house and a, planning on moving back to where he lives to share an apartment with him because he is raging abandonment issues.  I thought for one year we could do this - I could help with the baby and give him time to get his finances in order and learn the coping skills needed to live his life. 
Last night he once again called at 5 in the morning - again ranting how he wants to end it all. 
I really really think think he needs therapy but therapy is so hard to get in todays world.  So many people are struggling and there just isn’t anyone to help - they are so bogged down.