BPDFamily.com

Hi!
 :help:
I broke up with my BPD ex 4 months ago. I was completely destroyed at first but did therapy and took up hobbies. I believe that I have done a pretty good job moving on and going no contact. However, the issue is that there is a good chance my ex will contact me again since she insisted on trying to be my friend and even said that she would contact me sometime this semester. I would usually talk to my therapist but I have already used up my budget and don't want to spend anymore (I am a student). My ex always wanted to be FWBs and I told her that wasn't okay with me so I told her that we should end it. However, she changed her mind and that is when we finally started dating. I fell in love with her and essentially spent the entire relationship trying to convince her that a relationship is worth it (not to become a FWB). This obviously destroyed me since it is a really unhealthy relationship dynamic and led to a lot of trust and self-esteem issues for me. This was worsened by the fact that she would do things like flirt with other guys (took numbers, signed up for dating service), try to convince me to have threesomes/cuckold myself and keep saying she would break up with me after a year. She fulfilled this promise and broke up with me 2 weeks before our 1 year, which was mutual since she took some random guys number 2 days before.

After the breakup, I insisted on going no contact but she wanted to keep being my friend/fwbs. I told her that there was a lot of damage done and that I didn't want to make things worse. She seemed distressed by this which confused me since she accused me of being a horrible boyfriend and a lot of other things. First she told me that she was fantasizing about seeing me with my new gf and her with her new bf and us hanging out together. Of course, this hurt me. But then she said that she didn't want a new relationship again for a long, long time and that she just wanted FWBs. This felt like an invitation which I rejected since I didn't want to be codependent again (especially so soon after the relationship: I still loved her). I told her I was blocking her on all social media and that she could text me if she wanted.

Now, I am sitting here and I don't know what I will do when she messages (even IF she messages). I would like to be FWBs just because I am lonely and I don't want to meet new people due to COVID. At the same time, I can't tell if I will just end up destroying myself again. My friends and I don't have experience with people with BPD and I don't know if it is a good idea for me to rekindle things. Please give me some advice! Is it a good idea to become FWBs with my BPD ex or am I just destroying myself again? Thanks :)

Your destroying yourself again!
You have gone this long and if you see her again and break up again, you’ll be starting all over and no therapist. I know this is hard, I’m right where you are, miss him and lonely.  Try to step out of yourself and look at it as if this was a good friend. What would you tell them? If you read enough about BPD, you will know that what they give you isn’t love. I know that is hard to reconcile with, because when things are good they make you feel so loved and cared about. The feelings are additive. If she doesn’t get therapy, you will be on an emotional roller coaster as long as you are with her. Get some books about grief, watch Berne Brown on Netflix on the power of vulnerability. It will empower you. Figure out why you let someone treat you like that. I am much older than you and have been through more then one breakup. It’s horrible, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I know I will come out of it a better person and have more to offer to someone who treats me with dignity and respect, which is what we all deserve.
I feel for you! Just dealing with COVID is hard enough. Best of luck.

Yeah I took some time and got a clear head. Thank you very much for your advice! It is just the codependency that made me want to be FWBs with her. If she contacts me again asking to be FWBs, I know that I will let her know that it is just unhealthy and I am not interested. Thanks again for all your help :)

If you love someone FWB, will never work. You will always want more.
Stay strong. There is someone out there that will love you and treat you with dignity and respect.

It’s amazing how much ..the song remains the same…  Been there, if at a later age, but the same stuff, all of it.  First, there is no safety in a FWB’s r/s with someone constantly on the prowl.  But, a very good time to get to know a healthy, normal girl, willing to take the appropriate time and precautions developing a r/s.

BPD mates are like a drug, artificial, limited duration, dangerous, expensive, and addictive. 

The mindset: unstable, unreal, dangerous.  They’ve a limited tool box, pretend to be someone they’re not, addict you with sex/ love, continue to seek future fixes, threaten to move on.  That’s it.

Straight -- it’s an incurable mental illness.  No matter how much we care or love them, their condition and behavior can rarely if ever change.  I’m convinced, from an early age they recognize their problem, thus begin formulating behavior that allows them to get as far as they can.  Tragically, that behavior includes using and hurting others. 

They target well.  We, with empathy, become Bulls Eyes.  And, it’s great!  Until - and this is of critical importance to you - you expect them to take the next relational step.  Yes, they can agree to all forms of commitment … but the problem is, they’re incapable of functioning at that level.  You, however, are.

My experience came far later in life, and my maturity kept me from becoming as connected as I may have.  We did not marry, as her requests constantly bounced from FWB - to marriage  red-flag 

Reading, learning, and responding to posts here exhibit behavior so identical … it’s hard to believe.  But as we are the secondary victims of BPD (they are the primary), our pain is very similar.  I had an adult coworker literally shove me against a car and kick me in the butt for my continuing r/s with a BPD mate - and I was in my fifties! 

OK - your pool of potentials remains vast - use it!  The ramifications of remaining in a BPD r/s at your age are devastating.  Knowledge helped me, so fill up on it … reading umpteen near-identical descriptions of BPD behavior around here assured me that escaping was essential. 

Detox.  With Covid in the air, a good opportunity.  Focus on stability, a mate capable of growing with you, not just ‘mirroring,’ but matching your abilities.  They will appear cautious, slow, perhaps boring -- but they’re not.  They merely require a key, the difficult, complex key of life you should be crafting right now. 

Fatherly advice  |iiii

Man, you need to RUN LIKE HELL. Don’t look back. I’ve been dealing with ubpdw for 30+ years. You don’t want to go there my friend. Move on and enjoy life!

The way i see it is i understand especially now with covid that loneliness is a tough one, should it be a reason to have a relationship that has been unhealthy? It is one to balance up, the effect of loneliness bring with it low mood, but being with ex with bpd felt like highs and crushing lows.

Many folk stay in r/s out of the fear of loneliness. Stigma also to some extent of being single. The regularity of sex and then suddenly gone.

What id say is these are strong issues and the way to work with them to detach is to be realistic, there is a transition either to learning how to be ok with single and/ or towards a new relationship and that transition might not be ideal or fun to experience.

Ive learned that the intensity of the attachment i made led to less friends, emotional high fixation on her, made what could have been otherwise a breakup feel like a extremely painful tragedy, it didn't need to b is a big lesson learned.

Best of luck in what choice you take.

Thank you guys so much for helping me! As sad as I am and as much as I still love her, I realize that I love myself more. I can't do this to myself again despite how much my heart wants me to do. It is just a decision driven by despair, not rational thinking. I am very lucky to have found this forum :)

The truth is that I have had a really hard time understanding how someone could tell me they love me but then cheat on me. But I guess people are complicated and I need to be careful in the future (esp. if they have BPD).

Hope everyone has a great holiday season and thanks again :) |iiii