BPDFamily.com

I'm sitting in a meeting and this premonition came to me.  I have gone through entirely too much (what turned out to be useless) therapy, couples, coparent and attempts at counseling with our S10with my uexBPD/NPDw.  So, I avoid any type of therapy simply due to the fact that I've just had too much.  On the other hand, and using this site, I don find it therapeutic and valuable to talk about BP stuff with others. 

My question is, is anyone seeing a therapist strictly to develop the tools to deal with a BP and how to raise children to be resilient with one BP parent?  This counselor would obviously be someone that is aware of and knows how BPs behave and the collateral damage that comes to those who have to deal with a BP parent, ie. nons, ex's and children.

A therapist skilled in DBT would be effective. To look for DBT therapists in your area: www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/resources.html

You can also search a DBT resource directory on Marsha Linehan's site: www.behavioraltech.org/resources/crd.cfm

I've been trying to learn DBT skills to help me work with my son. He is not BPD, tho is definitely highly sensitive plus the ODD, ADHD, anxiety/depression. I also took a mindfulness class for parents that was excellent.

I think the hardest part is recognizing that you shoulder the burden for minimizing the conflict. It's radical acceptance -- sounds easy, hard to do, and essential if there is any hope for change.

Also, I celebrate the small victories, like my son regulating his feelings, even if it's just about the computer not working.

I requested a therapist most experienced in dealing with BPD issues when divorce proceeding began.  He was a former cop, well versed in BPD crazy making, what they're capable of doing and didn't waste my brain space asking, "why would he do that?"  BPD is the answer.   

He treated DD and I as long term crime victims without adequate legal protection rather than willing participants in the BPD dance.  Our focus was making sure DD and I were safe, security issues, setting concrete boundaries and effective enforcement,  educating me on what to always expect from a BPD for the rest of our lives, and how to find ways to get on with life.  He also worked with DD's therapist for effective strategies to help her stay safe during those dreaded visits and vacations.

We totally skipped stuff like how to talk to and validate your BPD.  I don't "have" a BPD.  I don't talk to him, he has to send email and the answer is NO if it requires a reply.  Validating him is no longer my job.  He got the visitation order he wanted, nothing to negotiate, I let the judge or his attorney explain it, not my job.  His whining, his boohoo, not my problem anymore.  Do not engage for any reason.  When he pushes or breaks a boundary, make it painful.

My post-relationship responsibility is personal growth, rebuilding a life for DD and myself that does not include BPDs, NPDs or other emotional unhealthy people.  There's no way I could do that if I still had to negotiate eggshells around BPD fears and bad behaviors.  Divorce is about freedom from that.

When i was trying to work things out with my ex I looked for ones that were NPD/BPD trained, out of the 5 we went to only 1 knew more about NPD/BPD then i did. when I get funds available im going to continue to look for one that can help me deal with NPD/BPD

Unless the behaviors appear to be transmitted to your children.

Then it's like seeing the whole thing from the inside out.

So f'ing difficult to do more when dealing with the BP takes SO much of your energy.  Some days there's just nothing left on my aggra-o-meter.

 I am very sorry for this.  I see it too in adult DD.  Her H says she is way better now and our relationship is improving.  She was spun by the divorce.   Youngest was so traumatized by her BPDdad's  behavior, she didn't want anyone interfering with her counseling.

I know what you mean. Im finally about to go back to court and im really nervous and excited at the same time. Im nervous because my ex is going to go completely unhinged and that means bad news for my daughter and my damage control will be quadrupled. last time we went to court it was so draining and I was only going for legitimation and visitation, this time im going for primary custody  Im excited because I hope to get some peace for my daughter

I tried about 4 or 5 T's before I found a fit for me. The one that fit specialized in BPD. The first meeting I explained what I was looking for. I wanted someone to help me navigate through my dealings with stbx for our kids wellbeing. The first few meetings went well. I insisted stbx was BPD and the T kept saying she could not diagnose stbx without seeing her. About a month or two into the therapy the T said something and said it sounded like she did have BPD. From that point on I would ask T how to handle a specific situation. She would ask me how I handled it and either said that sounded like a good course of action or she would point out how I was probably triggering stbx by what I did. She was very good at explaining it to me in a way that I understood. She never gave me advice on how to do something but helped me find my own way through things. I learned how to look at the situation in a different light. That helped me to detach emotionally from what my ex was doing. Once I was able to separate my emotions from my interactions with ex I found I was much better at dealing with her. I think parallel parenting helps with the detachment.

I keep physical distance from her because of her false allegations in the past. That has been since 2010 and she hasn't made any allegations since that time.

We have gone to court ordered counseling since that time and ex's biggest complaint about me is that I have a video and an audio recorder and it is illegal in my state. Of course, she still brings up all the allegations prior to 2010 but she has nothing after I purchased to recording devices. Everyone that hears that gets it right away.

My T helped me figure out a lot ex's triggers and how to circumvent them and still accomplish what I believe is best for our boys. I no longer take the bait and escalate. Ex still lashes out but it ends much quicker when I refuse to play along.

Two months ago I went to my SS's wedding. It was ex's son from her first marriage. Ex tried a few things with me and I simply let it go. Everyone there seen what she was doing and all she did was help everyone there understand why we no longer married. Several people came up to me to talk to me about her. I listened to validate their perceptions and then let it go. I have been to several of the new family functions and ex has not been invited. She is her own worst enemy.