BPDFamily.com

Hi All

I posted on another thread about meeting up with my uBPD estranged wife over Christmas after being separated for 5 months.

I mentioned in that thread about keeping open communication lines with my ex due to the fact that we are still married and need to discuss divorce proceedings.

I said in the previous post I was in no hurry to divorce, well after thinking about it and after long discussions with the wife, it was obvious she has no intention of signing any divorce papers either now or in the distant future, so I decided to send the following message to her.

Dear?

I am writing this to you as a final goodbye.

I have tried to convince you to sign the divorce papers, but obviously that will not happen at this time as we have already spoke on numerous occasions about this.

In order for us to both move on with our lives, I think it is best we no longer have any communication with each other.

I intend to block you on Skype (only social media I now have) but leave my email open so that when/if you want to communicate about the divorce please contact me through my email.

Unfortunately, our marriage did not work out, but I genuinely wish you happiness and good health for the future and I hope you finally find the right person for you.

Regards and best wishes ?

The wife replied, go ahead it's my pleasure.

Goodbye

My question is:

Why when she knows the marriage is over and there is no going back, would she not want a divorce ASAP?

Thoughts welcome please.

Hard to tell, she may not think it's really over and you'll change your mind. She may not have anyone else and doesn't want to be a divorced person. Maybe she's waiting out some time period that would benefit her financially. Not sure of your situation.

Thanks for replying Herodias.

She already told me she doesn't want my money which I offered her in a settlement.

One other thing I have just noticed is that my wedding ring is missing from a drawer I had put it in and she asked me for this some time ago.

She turned up at my apartment a few weeks ago after 5 months separation and has been the only other person in my apartment.

I agree it’s guessing.

From what I read and experienced some matters come in play.

A normal reaction of disbelieve/denial, as ones r/s is over (yes sounds silly, but your ex is human too) 

You mentioned the glace/empty eyes. Coping not to be hurt by you, what you say or do. Out of self-defence.

That’s why you received that cold reply (‘go ahead it’s my pleasure’), make believe not being upset/hurt, she is in control (towards you…)

Please keep in mind that these events are a major blast for pwBPD too (you ended it, but even when the pwBPD ends it, the blast will be the same –although on the outside the love switch is instantly turned off-).

She is now confronted to take responsibility too by putting a signature on paper.

That hurts, hurts to their core.

Exw, who in my case filed for divorce, took 9 months to serve me with that papers, even despite the fact that her lawyer wrote me/my lawyer that papers would be sent to court ‘within several days’.

Exw couldn’t and I was just ‘a relaxing sitting duck’. 

You mention the wedding ring. Seems normal for pwBPD (according to many stories in the board) to hold onto something for their ex. Have seen stories that they had boxes with memories filled up with stuff from exes.

Exw desperately wanted her wedding dress and ‘our’ wedding album, but forgot many, many stuff from her childhood that have always been the most precious to her.

The dress she got, not the wedding album, nor any other album of 30+ yrs.

That childhood stuff I stored for about a yr after the formal finalisation (which included split of belongings of course), just in case as I knew how precious it was to her, well back then it  ‘was’.

Even had a chat about it with my son, loving his mom of course, but was plain in his answer. Mom have had enough time, so get rid of it.

Please have a closer look at the legal section too. Don’t fall in any trap by her sayings… that are words, not actions…  document and document please.

Thanks Dutched for your reply, I will document and save any communications I have from her regarding the divorce.

There is a very simple answer to your question: Because it is never really over for the BPD.  You always remain an option for them to come back to and they hate letting go.  It may take months or years but they will come back to the good ones.

Hi Hopealways

It's funny that you mention that it is never over with the BPD, I now remember my wife saying to me that she had a feeling at some point I will tell her I am sorry and will want her back in the future and that she is never wrong with her feelings.

At the time I thought nothing of it as I replied to her that I will never want her back.