BPDFamily.com

Part 2 (check out part 1 for context)

Other thoughts.

1) I think this is one of the reasons I was so stuck on my ex.  There was a tremendous amount of potential energy in her but almost zero kinetic energy when it came to the relationship.  Think boulder at the top of a mountain when thinking potential energy or even better is this.…  Picture a car battery, a good one with 770 cold cranking amps, let’s say.  Okay now picture 100 of these batteries all connected together and the power there.  Now let’s make that 1 million batteries all linked together as far as the eye can see.  They are all wired into a giant throw switch, like the one in Frankenstein’s monster, that shoots sparks when connected.  Okay, now picture all that energy is on the other side of the switch, but my BPDex refused to throw it to put that “love power” into the relationship.  Instead, she hooks up some speaker wire to one of the battery posts and throws that over so I’m able to listen to the sound of a faint transistor radio.  That’s all I got back from my BPDex, even though I could see the tremendous stores of energy within her for being a great partner.  Nope, wasn’t going to happen.  Why not? I don’t know.  I think the monster wanted to keep it so she could keep my ex in darkness.  Every now an again I was thrown some lightning bolts of rage from those huge energy stores, but never any of the positive energy. None, Nada, Zilch.

2) It was like my hand was getting hit with a hammer, and then I finally got it to stop.  I realized I was the one doing the hitting, while my BPDex cheered me on and convinced me to “hit it harder”.

3) I am lucky to have gotten out.  It lasted year, but not more than a year, Whew!

4) I was addicted, and my addiction talked.  It told me to stay addicted and that if anyone told me anything otherwise they were wrong.

5) I tried to save her, she was a ‘sparrow with a broken wing’.  She didn’t want to be saved.  It went from a rescue mission to a salvage operation.  I was trying to salvage my self esteem, my self concept, my self confidence.

6) My ex was a loser.  She lost out and continues to lose out on true intimacy, true love, true support, and true self. Ironically, I was probably the person best positioned to get her the help she needed to be complete, but I was rebuked, rebuffed, and cast aside to stick with her enablers.

7) BPD is an equal opportunity victimizer.  It doesn’t matter your age, race, gender, sexual orientation, creed, socioeconomic status, country of origin, education level or whatever other criteria is used to divide people.  There’s a BPD for you.  It may be a slim chance for most people, but we were destined to collide with one.  They were the giant iceberg to our Titanic. A cascade of errors lead to this catastrophic event (relationship).

Plan:   My 6,16, and 60 week plan:

6 weeks,  I will be thinking about dating, resolve to finding a decent therapist and enjoy the holidays BPD-Free.

16 weeks, The 4th wave of Covid will hopefully be dissipated and I can focus on finding some meaningful work.  I can see seeking more interaction and likely have had some potential coffee dates or similar.  Gonna still take it slow.  I’m not likely posting or thinking about my BPDex much now at all.

60 weeks,  BPDex who?  I don’t think about what ended over 2 years ago now hardly at all.  I have a better understanding of myself and what I am looking for in a relationship.  I likely have a partner now and my “love” energy is flowing in that direction.  The past is seen as a learning experience, and the relationship a joke.  I haven’t posted on the forum for months, but it’s almost the end of 2022 so I should let y’all know what’s going on, right?

Sorry, I should have read this first, I see you already answered my question :) I like your point 6 very much, I think it's really a great way to look at it.

And it's also very important to recover a vision of the future! That's one reason I think my BPD2 relationship really destroyed me... because I had recovered and developed a vision for my future both for myself as well as with her, I was holding it all together, and then when she suddenly left all of that came crashing down. I invested too much and got burned. But imagining these consecutive milestones feels to me like a really good sign of healing for you  :hug:

Ah, yes I can see that being an extra dose of badness to an already bad situation.  Just getting a vision of a future back and having that destroyed in front of you.  Not good.

The "loser" part is inspired by Grumpy Donut's update.  I thought about it, and yes she is technically a "loser" for all the reasons listed and more.

There were more revelations I could've kept going with.  I think that was enough.  I was addicted.  How that happened, I don't know?   "Healing is in knowing what I do not know".  The push-pull effect does factor in.  My overview doesn't really get to the heart of the fact that pretty much every negative behavior in the "Tools" section here I witnessed in my BPDex.  I never saw her try to commit suicide, but who knows.  She didn't drive particularly crazy, and it is hard to gauge her emptiness.  But after reading the Borderline Mother and seeing her constant shopping for things and overspending I would guess the "Queen" has a pretty giant hole inside of her to fill.

I think this is common in a lot of us - the desire to "save" them. And its common in that they don't want to be saved. In the case of my ex he did contemplate therapy at one point  but didn't follow through - he went so far as to ask me to help him make a list of male therapists who specialize in DBP and I did. He never went.
And once we put in all that work its hard to let go of our "project", no matter how much it is falling apart.

One of my ex's biggest fears and insecurities was that he was a loser - I always had to reassure him that he wasn't - and, professionally, he isn't. He's actually doing quite well in that arena. But, to look at it from a personal perspective, he was definitely a loser. I think about this almost every time I think of him (which is less and less now) - that he is incapable of having a real relationship, of having true intimacy. I, too, would have stuck with him and done everything in my power to help and he threw that away. Of course, this is mostly because of the codependent tendencies that I learned from my mom. It wasn't healthy for me and I have to remember that even if he had stayed with me I would likely have never gotten what I actually needed out of the relationship (maybe 20 years down the road after his extensive therapy - but that wouldn't have been fair to me for those 20 years). I am better off. YOU are better off.

Hi!

The energy part is a nice synonym. My BPD partner was full off energy and passion qhen we were together. We described ourselves as "just the 2 of us" and never met a woman with so much energy. As you refer the energy was there, but never implemented in the relationship I now realize. After 4 years, there is no one who nows we had a relationship in her surrounding at all.

Point 5. This is what hurts me the most. I did everything to be the best, the most stable person for her, and yes, i wanted to save her, but she did not want to be saved at all (she played a helpless, uncertain and abused by her ex woman desperate to find true love and confinced me I was the one). when I think of this my stomic turns upside down everytime. How could I think I was special, I could save her. And now I think her new friend knows how to be the best for her, he is better than me, and is a true lover for her because I made so much mistakes... sometimes I think I was the best for her, but now I now he is better, smarter and more handsome. It hurts to want to save her, give everything and do the best I could, and it never made any effort for a better relationship. I  sure she is happy now and found a real man, the one thought I was...

Hi Erfanovich.  I'm glad you liked the "Energy" analogy.  I read your words here and I have read these same things many times before by many people here.  You should know her new "real man" is just a start of a new cycle.  It is fake, false, another lie.  Before long, he will be just like you.  They don't get better by dating someone new.  It's just another way of controlling you, of manipulating you and hurting your self confidence and self-esteem.  As long as you believe her story she is winning.  She is still torturing you.  Don't do it, my friend, let it go and know it's all just more of her illusions.

We're grown men, you and me Erfan, we deserve better and to not have our time wasted any more.  Instead of thinking about these women who wasted our time and our energy better to take a nap! Or have a cup of tea, or even a shot of vodka!  Anything.

I appreciate your comments Erfan, keep posting.