BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I am brand new here, I don't know if my dh has BPD or what but he is very controlling and primarily uses emotional blackmail to get his way. This has been going on throughout our 26 year marriage. Gradually it has eroded away my love for him, and recently I made the mistake of admitting to him that I don't know if I love him anymore.

This has made him go into victim mode and he basically flipped out, demanding that we go to marriage counseling, which was fine with me.

Anyway yesterday he left for a business trip and texted me this big message saying how I am not trying to understand his perspective and realize how mean I'm being. That I am not being fair, and I don't care how he feels, and that I take everything he does in a bad way. He says his feelings are crushed and and it is taking a toll on his mental being and is begging me to see that it isn't all about me.

I don't even get why he wrote that? It wasn't like we had an argument or anything. He claims he asked me a question a couple days ago and wanted my answer but I honestly don't remember what he's talking about and so he is also upset because I don't listen to him. And he won't tell me what the question is.

Please help if you know or have ideas about the proper way to respond (without inciting further weirdness from him)

Thanks in advance! Thanks just for reading!

  **For anyone interested,I am 90% sure the marriage counseling is going to be a flop and I am trying to struggle through this school semester (I have 3 teens in school) before making a decision about leaving him. ( which I would like to do but have no clue how to even start)

Hello Carina,

*welcome*

Yeah, saying that may have  been a mistake, but you were being honest about how you were feeling, no? I remember one such incident where I just sat there speechless when my Ex asked if I were still in love with her. I couldn't honestly say yes. It happens. Relationships like this are tough, and you've been married for a long time.

You may be right that counseling may be a flop, at least initially, but it may be a place to start.

Understanding how the mind of someone with BPD traits works is a good place to start. It can help with the interactions and reduce dysregulation, even though ultimately you aren't responsible for his feelings. Check out the lessons to the right of the board----->

This may be a good place to jump in:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

Let us know if they make sense.

We have a lot of members here who are going through or have been through similar struggles, and we look forward to reading more about your story and how we can support you, Carina. 

Turkish

Thank you, I went to the links you posted.

The Validation one makes the most sense to me.

It is true that I don't validate well. I usually become speechless when in a heated situation or heated discussion, and it seems like I'm stonewalling, but it is really because I cannot think of a thing to say.

The 3 minute to Ending Conflict is good, but I am very anti-conflict anyway and do not try to retaliate, and I naturally try to distract myself and some of the other things listed. The trouble here is my husband gets upset because I DON'T  respond in a conflictive way. He thinks that means I am avoiding the issue or ignoring him if I don't get worked up and argue back.

Yes, the honesty thing is messed up.

He was the one asking -- actually badgering me -- as to whether I still loved him, wheedling so nicely and saying how important it was to be honest -- but it was just a trick to get me to say something 'hurtful'.

I'm anti-conflict, too. I can count the number of real fights that we had over 6 years and after two children on one hand; surely no more than two hands  :)

I was accused often of being a bad communicator for shutting down (often) or walking away (occasionally). I felt leery of being "raged upon," do you feel like this at all?

Well, can you relate to what he is trying to tell you? I'd LOVE to have BPDh be able to communicate with my at that level. I get insults, blame, and he never talks about his feelings, and it seems like your husband is at least able to do that? I'd love if BPDh could tell me his feelings, even if it's anger, and tell me the reason behind it. For some reason, he is unable to do that.

I see it as a good thing that your husband at least wants to communicate, and you say it is YOU that gets quiet. Maybe since the videos, you'll have some healthy ways to respond, and it will open a dialogue? I know I get very hurt or frustrated that BPDh shuts down, and can't or won't communicate. I mean, nothing ever gets resolve, and we never can come up with a game plan so we don't keep bumping into the same obstacle. And they few times he does communicate, it's in an abusive fashion.

Is your husband able to communicate in a healthy way, or is it all blame? Can you find a way to not shut down when he is trying to talk to you? I'm sure he is scared right now, and that may come out as anger. He's hurt too, I'd guess, but at least he'd still trying to tell you how he feels. If he's saying you don't listen to him, maybe you can start repeating back things he says? I often feel BPDh doesn't listen to me, and I'd LOVE if he could repeat or paraphrase what I say so I actually know he understands. It's something I automatically do with him, and I try to validate how he feels too. Validation does not work very well with my BPDh, but from what I read here, it usually works great for those with BPD.