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More messages from her:

H: D** I cannot force you to care about me.

H: What do you want to do about this now? Just please tell me because I dont know whats happening there anymore and I know you dont give a ___ about me here.

H: I am very scared that youre capabale of letting terrible things happen to me. Its very frightening.

I would really like a strategy to ensure she feels care for. So that even if i cannot help her financially, she at least feels better when talking to me.

I'm trying to follow the validation techniques, although she tells me when I 'talk like that' (trying to be validating) I "sound robotic". So my delivery is very poor.

if i mention any words like 'care' or 'love' she immediately tells me "you don't" "you don't care" "you don't give a ___ about me" - so there is an immediate rebuttal of which her 'evidence' is how she is feeling.

Any advice for making the validation attempts more convincing? right now she doesn't even listen to me. i don't think she is even reading my messages

Give us a few more details?

What is bringing on these episodes? Are they frequent?

She has trouble managing money and is constantly broke. Any attempts to maintain a budget are futile.

Whenever she needs money and i don't immediately 'rescue her' (by sending her more money) then she becomes more hostile.

This is normal, you can't fix this.


She would not respect you for rescuing her, as that wont fix the problem, due to first problem, she will end up back at the start and hence your attempt to rescue will be deemed a failure.

You can't stop a river from draining water by adding more water you just create a bigger river.

In answer to your first post, don't overdo active validation, especially by telling her how YOU feel, she doesn't believe you can and you are simply saying she is wrong. To her that feels like you are not listening.

Instead listen to her and ask questions how she feels. Prompt her to allow her to lead discussions, dont try to steer or direct them. This approach focuses more on not invalidating, rather than trying to positively validate, which as you have found can sound wooden and is fraught with trip ups.

Above all don't confuse emotional support with rescuing as that creates an unmeetable demand

she is trying to manipulate you.

people do care but she dosnt want to face up to the issue

sorry 

Not possible... .

Better to figure out a level of emotional support you are willing to give... .give that... .and let the chips fall where they may... .

If you keep putting more effort into "her feelings"... .you will exhaust yourself... .

FF

Something you need to remember when Validating is that it has nothing to do with how you feel. She is essentially not feeling loved or cared for. So when you tell her that you love or care for her, she doesn't feel like you do, so she calls you a liar, because her feelings are her facts. Try instead to empathize with her. I've felt like no one cares about me too, it feels pretty lousy when you don't feel loved or cared for.

I usually follow with, is there anything else I can do to make you feel more loved? However when my husband is in an extreme state, I may get an extreme request so I don't always say this. And in your case she is wanting something and you aren't giving it.

If she feels something, don't tell her she is wrong. You may very well care about her, but nothing you say is going to make her believe you.

In your situation she is mad because you aren't giving her money. I would suggest, "It's understandable that you are upset about this and I get that you feel I don't care about you" Then you can add in "I've felt like no one cares about me too, it feels pretty lousy when you don't feel loved or cared for."

Thank you for your responses, although i try my best to empathize with her, I feel like whatever she says is manipulation tactics at this point. She only ever tells me "i don't care for her" after she has asked for money. And she only tells me she loves me after I have sent her money or promised to help her with money. Otherwise she ignores me and is avoidant.

I don't think she has bothered to find out how i am or what I am feeling this year. She literally has no interest in my life whatsoever. Her questions into my life only arise to fill in the time after she has asked for something and waiting for me to sort it out.

 

We are talking about this in another thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281313.0;all

I think you could use some of the "tactics" about her telling you your feelings... .

FF