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I've been trying very hard to focus more on myself but I really don't know how to break the mental hold her memory has on me.  I have strong feeling she is involved with a new guy (which I find odd as he lives out of state and her marriage isn't even over yet).  I'm so tired of caring about someone who stopped talking to me.  Logically I know why, I can't let go of all the things she would tell me.  How she should have picked me, not her husband, how she never loved anyone like she loved me, etc.  I try so hard to focus on literally anything else but I have such a resentment inside of me building.  And the complete injustice of it all.  I just don't know how to carry on.  I hate even being alone anymore.

That's relatable. I remember many times of commuting to work and the anger towards the kids' mom and stepdad just consuming my thoughts. It shows up physically for me too. Not just like "hey, there's a thought", more like a full body experience.

BPD behavior can be so unjust and unfair, jawdroppingly so. It's so overt, and the "rules apply to you but not to me" part is beyond infuriating.


For you, is your experience that whether you want to or not, the thoughts and anger and resentment show up, more so when you're alone/not distracted? Or is it kind of different? Is "intrusive" a word that you would apply to the resentment and feelings, or would a different description be more apt?

What do you tend to do (in addition to posting here) when you find yourself in this spot?

It feels like an almost full body experience.  Trying to understand something I can't understand.  Punishing myself for trusting her again.  That's the hardest memory I have at the moment.  How she swore it was different this time and she would never leave me again.  And I fell for it.
Lately, I talk to anyone who will listen to me.  I feel so self-centered of late because I can't see beyond my own heartache and this image I have of her in my mind as being completely fine.  Which I know is irrational but it's less about whether she's fine and more to do with the fact that I know she's fine and functional without me.  She doesn't even care anymore.

This stood out to me:




I'm curious if part of your experience is feeling like "there's no way she will ever really see how I feel" or "it's pointless to communicate my anger to her" or something like that?

Some people in those situations, where it feels like "there's nowhere for this feeling that's connected to this person to go", turn the intensity and sometimes the content of the feeling against themselves.

For some, there can be this sense of "at least if I turn it against myself and make myself the problem, I can deal with that, I can control that, even though it hurts".

Wondering if that's part of what's happening for you?

...

We're here listening to you. Whatever you want to "get on paper" and have seen, here for you, here for that. Keep talking, as much as you need to. Getting it out is important so the flow doesn't get stuck inside of you.

Even though part of your mind may be assigning the "selfish" label to focusing on your heartache, there's another wise part of you that's intuitively helping you do what you need -- communicating your absolute grief, loss, anger, confusion, all of it. That part has your back, keep it going.

I think I'm internalizing the pain so I don't reach out and confront her.  Nothing productive will come of that.  I think another reason is because I tried so hard to make it work in a very f'd up situation.  I tried making boundaries with her, telling her what wasn't ok behavior for me, etc.  And now I wonder if I just approached things differently towards the end, she would have stuck with me longer.  And now I'm in the dark and purely speculating on what the hell she is doing.  Wondering what is happening with her marriage, is she actually seriously involved with a new guy romantically so soon.  And none of it's productive for me bettering myself.  But I obsess by nature and I can barely find a way to distract myself from thinking about her.  Wondering if she's actually gone for good this time, is she going pop back up in a month, a year, however long.  And even if she does, if I will be mentally and emotionally strong enough to handle it if she does.  If I can make peace with it in my mind, find a way to forgive the broken trust but not forget she is seemingly incapable of not breaking my heart over and over.

That's an interesting insight to have.

I'm with you that reaching out, confronting, hoping for (whatever) will not be productive. That's facing reality.

Sometimes, when we're having conflicts or emotional intensity with or with regards to a pwBPD, our thought processes can get... IDK, kind of morphed into their thought processes. For example, I remember many conflicts with the kids' mom where part of her thought process was "we must talk about this now, there is no time to think about it". A false urgency. And I remember in some of those early moments, "buying into" the urgency, like there was nothing to question about the timeline. Now, I see I don't have to "buy into" that cognitive distortion.

I mention this because sometimes we find ourselves in "black and white" thinking: "If X isn't an option, then Y is the only other option. It's X or Y."

Could there be a third way besides "don't confront her" (which is true) and "therefore the only other option is internalizing the pain"?

I say this as someone who does exactly that (I internalize my anger that is directed towards others). So it's not like I'm some expert telling you what to do and that it's easy. Sometimes even just noticing "OK I feel angry, it is towards her, and I notice myself turning it against myself" is a start. Just noticing. You don't have to change anything in this moment.


That is such a real question here. The what-ifs. It's painful to look back and wonder or believe or be pretty certain that if we had done XYZ instead of ABC, things would be different. I wonder if the what-ifs are a valid part of processing what happened. Maybe you can let yourself write down the what-ifs, all of them, and see what that is like for you, instead of punishing yourself or labeling yourself for being in that part of the process. Sure, "wallowing" (which I don't hear you necessarily doing) isn't healthy, yet neither is the sense of "I'm wrong/unhealthy for thinking about that". Maybe with some structure (like "OK, I will let myself have 2 hours to journal all the what-ifs I'm thinking of, and that's fine to do") there can be balance.

.

Again, it could be that a part of your mind is trying to process things. You recognize that you have some obsessive tendencies. I wonder if you'd agree that trying to "stuff" or "suppress" those tendencies doesn't help a ton. Same as above -- I wonder if you can "schedule" time for yourself to think about her and what happened, and then harness some neurotic strengths to say "hey, the rule is I can think about her for 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening, that's just the rule, and now 30 minutes are up. I follow the rules" or something.


Yeah, there are the knowns and unknowns, and then what is under your control and what isn't.

This also strikes me as an area where allowing your intelligence and mental speed a little bit of free rein (note, not saying "take your hands off the reins") could be a way to go. Perhaps writing down a 4 quadrant chart: Y axis is "known" and "not known" and X axis is "I control" and "I don't control". Start putting some scenarios in the boxes: i.e. something you know and you have control over is whether or not you do therapy. Something you don't know but have control over is if she calls what your response will be (for example, you don't know if/when she may call, but you can decide ahead of time "if/when she calls I will let it go to voicemail the first time").

The "known" plus "I don't control" might be that you know she has BPD traits but you do not control her behavior, as you can only have boundaries for your own life.

It's a lot of food for thought, so I want to go back to --

it's a LOT to internalize the pain, anger, emotions. I recognize you're getting some of them out here, please keep that up as much as you feel you want and need to, no limit. It takes a toll on the body. I hope that today you can take a moment to do something caring for yourself, even if it's "just" small.

Your words mean a great deal to me.  There is a lot to digest there.  I often think about writing about her.  Going back to high school and why she occupies so much space in my head and heart.  I think a thing for me, besides not really wanting to move on from her because of how I currently feel and the hope, that vain hope, that there is a perfectly rational reason for her radio silence of me, is that all of this drama that we've had together finally felt like it was leading to something good.  This back and forth of her for years felt like she was finally at a place to acknowledge her feelings for me and work at a relationship, even in a bad situation.  And now it's gone.  And I'm the only one who cares.  And I know I can't be in her head and assuming whether she's legitimately fine without me or not will get me nowhere.  Maybe it isn't all that different from other types of heartache in the end.  You just have to live with the knowledge that someone stopped wanting you in their life.

That seems like an important question and one that's in your power to explore. You could think about "writing to her" by writing in a journal (or other place where you won't send it to her), and having that be more about what you might learn about yourself in the process of writing what you would send.


Yeah, maybe it's a "both-and" situation (versus an "either or") -- the pain is real and similar to other types of heartache, and there are unique things about BPD that can contribute to much more confusion at the end of the r/s than a non-BPD r/s.

So, perhaps the huge mix of feelings you're noticing inside of you -- the resentment, sense of injustice, longing/hanging on, hope... -- some of that is because a relationship ended, and you are grieving that loss, which is so, so normal, and some of that is because pwBPD often end relationships at times and in ways that seem inexplicable to "nons". Like you said:


I don't know if it would be helpful, so it's just an idea you can think about -- listing out (naming/labeling) some ways you feel that seem connected to a relationship ending normally, and listing out the other ways you feel that might be connected to the fact that you were with a pwBPD. Maybe there's overlap, maybe not. You can also think about doing that for a set amount of time, so that it doesn't turn into rumination/obsessive thoughts, but you still have an outlet to process a very wide mix of feelings.

I think when "broadly normal" relationships end, there's definitely the shock, grief, desperation, hope, anger/ "I was wronged", all those feelings. So maybe it's also a question of intensity, and that could be something to look at: "Wow, I remember breaking up with Other Person, and my shock was at a 4/10, and my anger was a 5/10, but now, I see my shock at a 7/10 and anger at 9/10... that is different".

A lot of this is just thinking of ways to find a balance between stuffing the feelings and shaming yourself for thinking of her, vs "indulging" in rumination/fantasy about "what if". Neither is better/worse than the other, and it's not like "oh I totally see you doing one more than the other", it's more about balancing the two sides as you're in your process.

You can see if you notice any difference in a few days/weeks/months from taking some time to notice, name, and write about your feelings now. It's possible that letting those feelings see some light and breathe can help them flow through you and help you move through your process. We'll be interested to hear how you're doing.

Glad you're working on stuff here. It's difficult and you deserve recognition for being willing to look at yourself and "what is it about me and my story that lets her occupy this space in my head and heart".

Hope you get some time for you this weekend,

kells76

You have been giving me amazing advice and I am grateful for that. I saw a friend last night and vented much about it. As my friend is a recovering alcoholic, she will tell me that my ex hasn’t really hit bottom yet with her addiction. But I started wondering if I was part of her rock bottom. And I told her that I know the journey is to become a better version of me. But I don’t know what that is anymore. All I can think to do anymore is try to distract myself from the loss of and rejection by her. It hurts me daily that somehow I’m one of the worst things for her when all I ever wanted was to be with her.

frankly this is part of it.

i dont subscribe to the notion that time heals any wounds, though wounds do take time to heal, and one thing time does do is numb the pain. if you lock yourself in a room for six months, and do absolutely nothing, the pain will become less acute, the memories less urgent and painful. and to an extent, the more you are able to distract yourself, to focus on the people and things you enjoy, it is a sign that healing is taking place.

what im struck by as i read your thread is the crushing feeling of abandonment.

it really rocked my world, too. for a long time. you love someone who claims youre the greatest person in the world, tells you how special you are, and then they leave you (in my case) for someone else, and theres no appearance they ever looked back. it feels, at the time, like a fundamental rejection of who you are by someone who got very close.

the feeling of abandonment goes to our core, and it opens our earliest, deepest wounds.

perhaps im stating the obvious, but that feeling of abandonment needs your attention and your self love (as well quality time spent with those that love you). time will make the pain less acute, it really will, but its the sort of wound that can fester, that can show up down the road, that can paralyze us with fear. its also the sort of wound that can not only be healed, but one that we can emerge from even stronger than before, with an even greater capacity for love.

theres a book i picked up on recommendation from bpdfamily all those years ago. i didnt read it for months. im glad that i finally did. i think it could help, or at least be a good start:

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

I get all your saying. Trust me, I feel abandoned by her, after her saying she would never leave me again. A curious thing about her and me is that each time she comes back, it’s more intense. Everything I have read, that is not the norm with recycling. It’s usually briefer and less intense. Statistically, there is a likelihood she will pop up at some point. I don’t say that just because I currently hope for that but I do have the sneaking suspicion that there is a new guy. I can’t prove that but it fits the pattern with her. Which makes the rejection harder because she told me it was to get sober and be more present for her daughter but, in relation to me, it feels like she just found someone else to give her attention. And yes, I need to focus on sled love. Badly. But I can’t deny grieving her is hard. I know she’s a mess. I remember the good and bad. Even nights I debated breaking up. But I still wanted her, warts and all. Unfortunately I still do.

Perhaps this will help, Ad. It seems to me you are looking for one solution, one emotional answer, to the very complicated situation you're in. What if you accept that there isn't a single solution? You are feeling a lot of conflicting things. What if you accept that all these conflicting emotions are part of the deal?

On the one hand, you miss her and want her back. On the other, you tell yourself rationally that if she comes back she will only hurt you again. Both of these ideas are appropriate. If instead of tormenting yourself in the struggle for a solution, what if you accepted all the different things you are feeling and let those feelings play out over time?

I'm sure you are ruminating, going over scenarios, conversations, letters, emails you might send, working very hard. Most of these will have to do with things you have little or no control over. You may fear that your emotions, allowed to play themselves out, will go out of control and overwhelm you. But maybe the opposite is true--that your emotions are overwhelming because you are trying so hard to control them. Intense, conflicting feelings in a situation like this are 100% normal. Does this seem irrelevant, or is any of it helpful?

Yes it does make sense to me. A large part of the conflict is I know I genuinely love her. Her being in pain breaks my heart.  But the idea of her path to being ok without me is devastating. Now, since I know logically when I talk about wanting her to be well, there is nothing about me in that equation (as many people have pointed out to me) people will ask what I want. Well, naturally I want her back and for her to want us to both work and for us to work on our issues together, both in regards to our dynamic and separate from each other. Now granted, that isn’t the reality I’m living with. She is currently gone and that may be for a finite time or forever and I have to carry on. I know that. I understand there is a conflict between my emotions towards her and understanding to some degree what makes her treat me the way she does. I know what I want but I can’t have I want. As my therapist says, she has almost all  of the cards. I have one. Whether she comes back or not, the only card I have is whether I allow a doorway to come back. I’m not ready to close that door. A part of me wants to but there is the larger part that is not ready to say goodbye because I miss her to painful degrees no matter how much she has ripped my heart out.

I'm a bit of a mess today and torturing myself.  My friend I saw the other night asked how she might reach out if she decides to pop up back in my life.  Either through social media or a text most likely.  Her solution was simple: ok, block her.  Don't do it for her, do it for you.  As I said last night in my last post, she has every card, I have one.  Whether to leave the door to open for her and whether she approaches that door or not.  I so badly want to shut that door some nights and days just to prove myself she is not the be all and end all of your existence.  But there are too many days when all I hope and pray for is she comes knocking on that door again and I'm so PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing tired of hoping she comes back to me when I know she doesn't even PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing are anymore.  Or feel that she doesn't anyway.

when i first came here i was holding onto hope (mind you, my ex was in another relationship).

its a very personal decision whether to hold it out, to let go of it, or, really, something in between.

personally, im not much for blocking, another personal decision, of course. if thats a need, or a final step for you, should you choose to let go of hope, i certainly support it.

i suppose my point is really that its not necessarily required though, for detaching, or for determining youre done, and that in grief of all kinds, im a proponent of "do what you want to do when youre ready to do it".

I don't really believing in blocking to move on from someone.  I'm sick of the social media PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm).  I don't know why I can't even stop checking her damn page.  She posts so infrequently and I know it's just PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing with my head and not helping me heal.  I'm just beating myself up every PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing day.  My friend called me because she was worried I would self harm but this feeling of resentment keeps building in me.  And the cognitive distortions and not knowing anything for certain but creating these scenarios that may or may not be true.  Like, is she SERIOUSLY involved with a new guy who lives across the damn country?  Is this a sick joke that that is preferable to me?  The guy you swore you would never leave again, that you should have chose me five years ago over your husband.  And reading the advice I give others on this board that I can't take myself.  Wondering, how are you fine?  And people telling me she probably isn't and you can't know but the worst feeling for me is she is fine without me.  She carries on daily without me.  And left me a wreck.  And I'm jealous of some of the people on this board who are involved still with their bpd person.  And it's sick of me to want that back.  All of the drama and bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm).  Right now, all I want is to have her back.

I wrote out 9 pages of my emotional frustrations towards her.  All of my confusion at her.  I know the people who care about me are supportive but I can't make anyone understand why this is tearing me up inside.  Why this distortion I have in my head that she is magically fine and improving herself.  Why she gets to feel desires still when this experience is robbing me of the ability to feel joy.  I don't know how to carry on lately.  All I'm literally trying to do lately is get through the day.  Just waiting for the day to end so I can hopefully sleep without waking up at 3 in the morning and feel the crushing abandonment of losing her.  So tired of this.

i do believe in erecting the walls one needs to heal, whether its blocking, muting, what have you.

i know what its like to torture yourself with the social media, though. at the time, i couldnt even see anything but her profile picture, and when she changed it, no matter how innocuous it was, id go into a tailspin for hours at a time, and ask all my friends whether my ex was really "fine".

youre going through the wringer, man. it sucks.

if it helps, i remember those feelings (to the extent i know how you feel), and i can tell youre at a breaking point, and i mean that in a positive sense. i remember days where it was clear my friends and family had run out of things to say to me, were letting up in the amount of their support, i went from pining for her to just being at my wits end with the injustice of it all and wanting to let her absolutely have it, and some of those days id just close myself off in my room and cry.

believe me when i tell you that healing is taking place and that it does get better. often times, you see it in retrospect. a month from now, youll look back, and youll notice.

i wont tell you to "stop looking at her social media". i couldnt, until i did. its really one of those things you just have to decide to do when youve had enough of it. for me, there was a voice in me that sort of acted as a pep talk. it was tired of feeling small, and it was as if the only power i could "take back" was stopping.

its also true that whether shes "fine" or "miserable", at the end of the day, you just cant really know, and id venture to say its probably more complex than either of those things. it helped, for me, to just accept that i didnt know.


keep doing things like these. when i did my version of that, it was a big turning point for me. these sentiments have a way of kind of sticking with you when you put them to pen and paper.

You're in the thick of it. I think I hear a lot of wrestling going on. You're doing the work.

I wonder if it's harder when you know in some ways that she isn't healthy for you? Like, maybe life would be easier if you weren't torn -- if you still believed "we're good together", then maybe it'd be easier to choose "I'm keeping that door open"?

Now, though, you have some insight into the negatives of you and her being together.

And even though this describes part of where you're at:


having a foot in both worlds is showing up as emotional frustrations, confusion, being torn up inside, cognitive distortions, no ability to feel joy, struggling to carry on, being crushed by the abandonment.

It is crushing.

Maybe cognitively/intellectually you can accept having a foot in both worlds (recognizing that you have a choice whether to leave that door open to her or not), that makes sense mentally, yet the way you're experiencing it emotionally is absolutely tearing you apart.

All I can say is I can relate to the experience of intellectually knowing something is destructive, yet not wanting to give it up, yet that being an even more difficult place than "total commitment" to the thing.

It's exhausting.

What aspect or facet or part of yourself would you say is the most attached to her still, or most wants to be attached? What part of yourself would you say is the most done with her and ready to close the door? If you can even label or describe those parts.

Edit: sorry, cross posted with once removed.

I guess the part of me that is most attached to her is how alive I felt with her.  How amazing it was and how built up I felt with her.  That person who sold me on the idea of us being together with her daughter.  Dreaming of nights where I was alone with her and felt like I was home.  She feels like home to me and it is terrible how much the loss of that is for me.
If I was to say what is the part of me that is done with it?  How can she keep doing this to me over and over again.  Tell me how important I am to her and just change over night.  And wondering why couldn't she just tell me the truth of why she broke up with me.  She told me it was because of her trying to improve yourself for her daughter and I am almost completely positive it was for another guy.  How she would tell me she would never want to be with anyone but me again and she just moves on to someone else.  That the only thing I can think is that it wasn't that she couldn't handle our relationship on top of what she has going on but that she just didn't want to be with me anymore.
I wonder why she won't come back to me.  Why I couldn't just have this one damn thing I wanted for once.

Lately I'm wondering if I'm being the selfish one and not her.  I mean, she claimed she's trying to get sober and be more present for her daughter.  I don't know why, but I still have the deep gut feeling it's a new guy.  But beyond it not being important for me and my health about what she is doing, I'm wondering if I'm just truly being the more selfish person by obsessing over it.  None of the people I have talked to believe she has hit rock bottom, a fear I have that I was her rock bottom, but a close friend told me that she hasn't hit rock bottom but she is clearly yours.

Am I tracking right, that you're wondering something like this:

"we are not together right now. her reason sounds selfless and noble. all I am doing is obsessing. therefore she has the unselfish, pure, superior reason not to be together, "

let me know if that's close or off base.

Basically that is the gist of how I'm feeling kells.

That's interesting, thanks for the clarification.

Obviously what brought you *here* to bpdfamily back when you joined was not just breaking up with "someone" and wanting to be with her instead, but really specific features of the relationship. It wasn't a broadly normal thing you guys had going on, it wasn't just "i'm sad after a pretty average breakup". There were traits and behaviors associated with BPD.

I recognize that you are doing work not only with your thoughts but also with your feelings, so just putting that out there.

If you want, we can do some thought examining around what's tied up in this:


because I think I'm noticing some pretty characteristic BPD related "themes".

I get that examining that might land you back at "well intellectually I get it, but emotionally I'm in a totally different place". That's possible. It might also provide a spark of insight on your journey.

One more comment, then I'll wait to hear back. Often we beat ourselves up for being "stuck" somewhere, like it's wrong to keep "having the same problem" or to "keep going in circles". I think we forget that life isn't 2D. We aren't going in circles on a flat plane. It's more like a spiral staircase. Yeah, you ended up in the same place, kind of... but with a bit more perspective. Circles can get you somewhere if they're 3D. So that's something to think about. OK, yes, people can "wallow" or "ruminate" and sort of not want to leave the 2D, that being said, "just because" it feels circular or stuck doesn't necessarily mean you're not making progress. Food for thought.

I'm curious about the "themes" you are noticing in what I'm feeling if you wanted to clarify that for me.

There's an emotional intensity and beliveability to pwBPD. It all comes across as so real, because it's so emotionally convincing.

Humans are wired for believing what other humans communicate to us, verbally or not. It's our "starting gate" position. Imagine going through life, someone comes up to you sobbing and distraught: "I was just attacked, please help me!" Of course we'll believe that person right off the bat. It's almost unimaginable that our "starting gate" posture would be "suuuurreeee... prove it to me first".

So it's a really fundamentally normal thing to believe what others communicate to us.

pwBPD seem to, or act as if they, believe 110% what they're communicating, so much so that they have emotions connected to it that come across as genuine. It's a different discussion (that is being had elsewhere on the boards, I believe) whether it's "lying" or not. We can sort of focus our thread here on "whether it's lying or not, whether they mean to or not, whether it's true or an act or genuine or not... whatever it is, pwBPD have harmfully intense emotions that come across with what they're communicating to be very, very convincing".

pwBPD also have a profound need for control at every level that can show up as a primal need to be "one up" on others. It may feel "life or death" to them to not be wrong and not be bad. Coupled with "black and white thinking" this can show up as "it's not enough for both of us to make good decisions, by definition if you are making a good decision then I am making a bad decision. Therefore, I claim the top spot of making the good decision, and therefore whatever you decided, is by definition bad". It's that kind of thing.

That's a handful of BPD type traits and behaviors and thinking patterns.

What can happen when we're around pwBPD for a while is we buy into their thinking patterns because they are convincing people (among other reasons).

One example I've given here before is that the kids' mom often pressured us to make schedule decisions "right this instant". There was never time to think about it or get it in writing. It had to be that moment (and her way). At first we bought into the urgency. But after a while I had the realization: that's her framing. The urgency isn't real. It's to meet her emotional need. If it's that important, it deserves thought, not instant decision.

We aren't required to buy into the way a pwBPD frames a situation. Often the framing involves a cognitive distortion or meeting their own emotional need. We don't have to play that way.

All that combined was what I was thinking about with your struggle with "Am I the selfish one, if she's moving on for the amazing reasons to care about her daughter and get sober?"

Selfish vs nonselfish: that's black and white thinking with the "you're either the good one or the bad one". I wonder why there "isn't room" for both of you to be making good decisions.

She's caring about her daughter: that's emotionally convincing, and perhaps she believes it in the moment. Is it true? Time will tell.

Gonna get sober: again, same as above. It makes her feel like "the good one".

So, I guess the nutshell version is: a lot of how she's portraying herself comes across to me like a classic pwBPD posture. She wants to claim the coveted "on top, good one" position and also be "a heroic victim" sacrificing herself for her daughter's benefit. It all sounds... convincing... so much so that often we buy into that framing without taking a step back and saying "hmmm... what if there's room for both of us to be making good decisions at once?"

I know that's a lot... wondering if any of it rings true for you?

I would agree completely with what you’re saying kells. I think the rational side of me would say when we broke up that “yes, I fully support those decisions but I don’t understand what is dating is unless you can’t handle a relationship right now”.
What once said to me about social media being triggering is completely true for me. Most of her posts lately are equally innocuous but they trigger me as a reminder of she’s seeking attention from elsewhere. And staying off for a while to heal is the most logical decision because I have no created a narrative in my brain with only breadcrumbs as evidence that she is in a long distance relationship now. Unhealthy for me to waste time speculating and probably a distraction for her but hurtful for me to think about.
There is room for both of us to improve ourselves but the tragedy for me is that she didn’t want to do it together. And the only conclusion is that I believe she doesn’t want me right now, for however long now lasts.

That makes sense, and is worth grieving. You had a dream of togetherness that fell apart.


This has seemed like a theme or point that has come up in a lot of your thoughts, kind of here, too:


A lot of the emotional pain may be because this dynamic is hitting something at your core that was there before her.

An example of that that I heard once was:

For most people, having a loved one say "bye" as they head out the door is "nice" but not a huge deal. It's like, sure, would've been nice if they said it, but they forgot, life goes on. Maybe a 3/10 or so. For the person who told me this example, who had a loved one die when they both were children, people saying "goodbye" to them when leaving was a BIG deal. This person never got a chance to say a final Goodbye to the loved one. So for this person, it is crushing when loved ones leave the house, even just for a trip or errand, without saying "bye". It's more like a 9/10 and it hits something at the core that was there way, way before.

It's also kind of like how if you're not sunburned, someone slapping you on the back is again like a 3/10 for sensation. If you have a bad sunburn, though, from before seeing this person, and they slap you on the back, it's excruciating. They have hit you somewhere where you have pain and sensitivity. If you didn't already have that sensitivity, it'd be lower intensity.

So I guess this post is kind of the flip side of my previous one. Yes, pwBPD bring a lot of "out of the norm" dynamics to the relationship.

Nons also bring preexisting sensitivities to the relationship, and often things that happen hit that pain point and it's crushing.

One possibility to think about, then is this:

the pain is current and real, but it's at the level it is because of things that have happened in your life before she was ever around.

did you ever have times where you felt unwanted, long ago? and/or maybe you weren't worth having something, or others treated you as unworthy?

no rush on answering. it's a lot to look at.

To be honest with you kells, I have often thought about why I feel this crushing sense of loss when several prior relationships have not worked out.  I would say, I am sure a lot of it stems from the fact that I have sought validation in others.  For a long time, I was unaware that this was unhealthy because I did not see that instead of becoming better socialized and creating healthy support networks from peers, I was seeking it from one individual, usually in the form of a romantic partner.
The majority of women I have been involved with were not even official girlfriends.  Things would often fall apart in some fashion before it even got to that stage.  As I first named her Eve in my first post, I will continue to do so.  Even Eve was for a long time a confusing, "what are we doing and why are you so back and forth with me".  As I am sure I am repeating myself at this point to some degree about her, I will restate that one reason losing Eve (beyond the uncertainty of her cycling back at some point) is so heartbreaking is because, unlike other bpd scenarios where I have read it is less intense each recycle, ours is more intense.  In fact, outside of the nature of it being an affair and the necessary secrecy involved, it did resemble actual dating for a while.  She even (granted, only those she was comfortable telling) started to open up to people about us finally trying to be together.  Now, why do I think so much of her?  I could write a book about that as I do not believe I have her on a pedestal (I have horror stories that no typical human being would have put up with) but there is that part of me that is still in awe of her ability to go on in spite of her traumas.  But to tie it back to the initial point.  Am I seeking validation from her?  In some way that I do not want to admit, I am sure I am.  I cannot label every woman I have been with as having bpd traits but many of them did have their mental health issues at the very least.
In recognizing some of the aspects of my psyche I do not really like to address, perhaps another reason I get involved with these women is the everyday boredom I feel with life.  Part of that is couple with getting older and just finding every day to be rather dull and this constant search for something to make me feel alive.  And if there is nothing else Eve did for me, I did feel alive through the good and bad.  Even just the quiet moments made me feel alive.
Now the quest for myself is how do I feel that way again without the need for someone else.  Logically, I know that, learn to be your own best friend and all of that.  The irony (and also sad for me) is that I have moved on from Eve several times before.  I am genuinely surprised each time she comes back in although I have no idea why at this point.  I am aware I can reach a point where, say in a year she was better and involved with someone else, perhaps I wouldn't care but say live and let live.  Not the outcome I hope for in my confused state, but I have had stranger changes in my outlooks.  As I said (once again, most likely repeating myself), what worries me is if she does cycle back again, based on our history, it's impossible to know if it would be even more intense than this last time.  And knowing I have to be strong enough not to allow myself to feel this level of hurt from her again.
I often wonder what she would think if she were to read all of these things.  At the very least, I am not overly concerned she would ever see this board.  I don't know kells.  At this prolonged moment in my life, I just miss her when all is said and done.  Her birthday is coming up and it will require every ounce of willpower not to wish her one or send her flowers or anything else that is not the best of ideas trying to maintain no contact.  The focus needs to be me, I know that.  To find my own joys again.  But I enjoyed the attempt at merging our lives together and it would be nice to feel that again.

Every day I say I’m going to get better the next day. And every day like a drug I can’t quit I see if she’s posted anything on social. Today was a photo of her daughter. WHY DO I CARE? Why do I care what she is doing in any given moment. Why do I care if she’s in a long distant relationship right after me. Why do I torture myself. “Oh we couldn’t work but this guy right after me, that will give you bliss.” I lie awake wondering if he’s visiting her from across the country and she’s having a summer affair. Wondering if she cares at all about me. Probably not but unable to believe she just forgot everything so quickly while I’m still grieving.

Thank you for everyone who has responded to me.  I keep hoping the next day will be better and the past month every day just feels like more of the same.  This inability to let go.

AdRock, not sure if you've checked out any of the other boards here, but if you haven't, please know you're welcome to do so -- no "requirement" to only look here. I say that because I noticed this thread on the "Bettering a relationship" board about dealing with the "what if" questions surrounding a relationship with a pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353559.0

it's an active thread, so you are welcome to participate if it's a helpful topic for you to work through.

Anyway, thought of you when I saw that one. Keep us posted on how today has been for you so far.

Thank you for your thoughts kells.  I do check the other boards here.  I've mainly stuck to this one because of my situation.  I did see that posting and it resonated to some degree.  I know I stick to here because it feels like I'm not going to hear from her anytime soon.
The day hasn't been great so far (unrelated to her, just other PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)).  I'm trying to keep going.
My therapist thinks I should block her.  A few others have said the same thing.  I get there reasoning but I don't really see the point of blocking someone who doesn't want to talk to me.  Plus, there would be three possibilities.  One she notices and it triggers her into painting me black.  Two she notices and doesn't care.  Or three she doesn't notice at all.  I'm not sure which would hurt me more.

OK, good to know you check out the other ones, too. Even though it's my DH's kids' mom with many BPD traits, I check on all the other boards, as each has its own feel and vibe, and often focuses on different tools and skill sets.


Yeah, "funny" how life does stuff whether its BPD drama or not. Was it work drama?

...


couple of thoughts.

I remembered that the title of your thread is "emotionally drained".

Have you ever considered the image of being in a car, and hitting the brakes AND the gas at the same time? All the effort and energy, and not going forward or backward. Just energy -- stuck.

Somehow that's the image or vibe I'm getting from your situation. A lot of energy into "wanting to quit her" at the same time as "not wanting to shut the door to her". What do you think?

...

And the other thought I had, which I just noticed you hinted at too, is:


You are getting something out of the connection. How do you feel right as you click the button? Is it a brief burst of feeling better/good/OK? And then immediately, or soon after, the guilt, beating yourself up, shame, frustration, sense of being unable to let it go?

Do you think "addiction" might be a good model for your situation?

No work drama, I'm just dealing with some physical health issues.  Nothing serious but annoying on top of my mental health.
So how do I feel when I check on her social.  Shame and resentment.  It's a daily reminder that she is fine without me and that builds up my resentment about the woman she is now who is not the person who was swearing her undying love for me several months ago.  That I was the final guy and she would never leave me alone again.  And I suppose it's to build the narrative in my brain that she is just living her best life and the cost was my heart which fuels my resentment.  And there's the shame of not being able to let go.  That there is that part of me that is unable to accept that she has no desire to reach out or contact me.  She'd rather talk to anyone else at two in the morning when she is posting online rather than talk to the man she claimed she wanted to leave her husband for and spend the rest of her life with.  And shame that I'm the only person in pain over losing her.  Any pain she is in, has nothing to do with discarding the most loyal person she was ever lucky enough to find in her life.

Is feeling shame and resentment better than feeling the alternative? What is the alternative -- what would you be feeling if you didn't click those posts?

I wonder if you're protecting yourself from a different feeling.

Since you're right there is an addiction aspect to my feelings for her, if I didn't click the posts, I could build an unrealistic fantasy expectation of her becoming a stronger version of herself that will come back to me.