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Often, when I do nice things for J, she accuses me of only doing them for selfish reasons (I only do it so people are impressed and lavish me with praise for doing them).   This fits in with her perspective that nothing given to her or done for her can be for selfless or genuine reasons (ergo- I MUST be a narcissist).

Today, I went shopping and bought some things that I know she likes and some things I thought she would like and only for her.   As usual, she became upset because I ONLY did it so people would notice me and not for her own enjoyment.

I took a shower to get ready for work and told her point blank- “I want you to hear and know this- and I don’t want or need a response:   Part of my happiness is bringing you joy.   I do things for you because I enjoy seeing your happiness and enjoyment- even if you feel that my joy in doing it is selfish”

I left it at that- and (I didn’t expect it) nothing but crickets.

People with BPD have so much shame and self loathing that it’s hard for them to believe that people actually like them and want to do nice things for them. They often don’t feel like they deserve to be treated well, so it’s easier for them to think that other people’s kindness is self serving.

I know this accusation all too well.

My therapist reminds me the support has to go both ways... I am still working that one out. You are not alone here.

I think I am realizing that I often feel completely unappreciated for anything I do for her- she seldom so much as THANKS me for doing favors (even though she insists that they must be done immediately upon request).

I realize that part of my problem is my reaction to the lack of even implied appreciation- not a smile, not a word- nothing.   In fact, it’s often some form of a complaint- “I didn’t ask you to buy this” “I don’t like these on this kind of roll- if you KNEW me you would have done it differently or not done this at all”. “You only did this because you felt bad/want attention/etc”

What is the proper way to let this lack of appreciation or acknowledgment of an attempt to make her happy?   Do we just swallow our pride and let it all go?

Ah.  I sometimes struggle with this.  Sometimes I would buy something for my uBPDh, and he would either seem annoyed, or never touch it.   He wouldn't thank me.  Yes I would feel disappointed as I think one "reward" of gifting is seeing somebody appreciate the gift.  It's a source of happiness for the gifter.  But seems as though pwBPDs are less capable of doing that. 

I have somewhat learnt to let go of expectations.  I bought something for him, if he likes it and uses it, that's great.  If he doesn't... well I tried.  As Cat mentioned, it's probably due to the fact that they find it hard to accept people are trying to be nice to them "just because".  I tell myself, if I feel upset just because he expressed no appreciation for my deeds, then it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, right?  Because my actions would be for serving my own happiness, since I want to feel good for myself. 

I know the world isn't so black-and-white; I guess I need an "excuse" to help myself cope with my disappointment and not dwell on that for too long.

This is such an interesting insight, one I haven’t previously seen discussed before.

I’ve observed this too, and the irony is that my husband expects grand expressions of appreciation for things he does. (Or he will complain that he’s *not appreciated*   lol )

However, he is capable of expressing appreciation to other people at times, so he obviously knows how to do it.

What I’m thinking is that sometimes the gifts I spontaneously give him or the things I do for him feel invalidating to him for some reason I don’t comprehend.

He does express appreciation sometimes, but it’s so peculiar those times when he doesn’t. It seems so ungracious and thoughtless.