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Over 90 days N/C

I had a catastrophic event transpire this past weekend. The entire time I wished my uBPD ex g/f was there with me. My mind convinced me that she'd be the only one who would accept what happened to me and not judge me. I found myself silently attempting to convince myself that our love could overcome the detrimental reality of our relationship. I thought, well if we could go to counseling (together and separate), it could work.

I miss her, but I think I miss her because of what I'm feeling right now. I remind myself that if I reached out to her, she would probably be a god-send, but as soon as that's over it'll be back to reality of what our relationship was and is, empty.

Is this normal?

Yes.    In times of stress, we naturally look for comfort from familiar places and faces.  Even when they are not "good" for us. 

I'm sorry to hear about this event, it sounds very painful.  Are you able to do some simple things to soothe yourself? 

One good thing is that you reached out to us.  We're listening. 

Thank you H & W! Going to work this morning and returning to some sense of normalcy for me has helped soothe the pain somewhat.

Hard to shake the feeling of wanting comfort from my ex though.

Feeling it with you, Fb/f!  Thanks for posting and opening up. 

I am going to put a little positive spin on my similar feelings... .at least now I am feeling them fully and letting them flow through me, as scary and difficult as that is.  It will, however, lead to better living.

And it is so natural to yearn for that sense of connection to comfort us when we are vulnerable... .tired, sick, lonely, whatever.

Even though I know this incident triggered these feelings. I cannot stop thinking about her. This has happened before during the last prolonged break-up and subsequent recycle. I would date and put serious effort into finding someone new, then out of the blue I'll start missing her when no connections are made with new potentials.

It usually resurfaces around the 4 month mark

Oh Frustrated, I'm right there with you. I do not understand -- and I'm going to ask my therapist about this when I see her today -- why we go looking for comfort in the person that hurt us. When things are stressful at work or I'm having a bad day, I just want to share it with my ex uBPDbf.

And yes, the four-month mark is tough. I just went through that (I'm at Month 5 breakup, Month 4 NC). It has been painful. During all of Month 4 NC I have done nothing but consider breaking contact. I wonder if it is just a reaction to the last throes of feeling the relationship loss. Like maybe it's real now and it's just the next emotional hurdle in the healing process. But oh man I want to connect with my ex again. 

Thanks for the wise words Peas. It's reassuring to know others go through the same thing.

Coincidentally, she emailed me the other day right after the incident to inquire about her daughter's bikes in my garage. Initially I ignored the message . . . however, I just responded a few moments ago. It was innocent, just a simple response answering her question, but I feel and fear that this will be the beginning of more

You can count me in with Peas. I am feeling that same urge at month 4 of NC. I hate this. So far I have repressed that urge. It has taken all my willpower.

Wow, I wonder what it is about the four month mark, and how many others go through the same thing? I was doing so well up until now :=(

Interesting. I was doing pretty well the first 4 months after we split. Mostly, on reflection, because I was no longer walking on eggshells and the relief was probably enough to get me through.

Now I'm about 8 months on - about 4 months NC and I'm struggling again.

It's normal when something bad happens to want the familiar, the one we love to be there. The comfort of the familiar. So I'm sure it's normal, what you are feeling.

But very interesting that so many of us have these 4 month cycles. Mine made contact today but the past few weeks I've been desperate to hear from him. Now I have, and I don't even know what to make of it, let alone what to do with it.