BPDFamily.com

Sounds very black and white thinking I know.  My life or hers?  Hmm... .  I have spent the last 6 years of my life trying to figure my mother out.  She has had multiple diagnoses over her 63 years ranging from Bipolar to Schizoaffective to Narcissistic PD/ Borderline and OCD.  She has been on every antipsychotic and tranquilizer they make out there and in the process has quite an addiction to Klonipin and pain meds.  She is a hypochondriac or possible Munchausen/factitious disorder.   She is slightly lower functioning, non sure if from a poor education or actual learning disability.  She loves to play the waif/queen role.  She treats people like they are servants or just a means to an end.  Absolutely no empathy now.  Always lacked in the empathy department but since my dad died 6 years ago she really doesn't care a flip about anyone else's needs.  I mention this all because I have tried to educate myself on her.  I tried to be the expert of my BPD and her mental illness.  In the process I have become obsessed in figuring her out and trying to find middle ground with her.  My mother is on the extreme end of BPD/NPD and has severely lost the ability to understand or consider MY needs or obligations.  She has now resorted to blatantly lying to extended family and anyone who will listen about things I have done or said to her in order to her to gain pity as a poor victim and paint me as all black or all bad in others eyes.  If I try to help her its always greeted with a disappointment from her that I didn't do more or give more or spend more time with her.  My best is never good enough.  I am using extreme adjectives such as never or always and I realize this but she is an extreme personality.  I have lost my own goals and dreams and now realize I have sabatoged myself as well over the last few years because I now feel like such a failure that I could not figure out how to set or enforce boundaries, or fix her problems, or save her.    My mother is extreme. She looks at boundaries as a personal challenge and insult and will do EVERYTHING to violate them or ignore them then shame me for treating her like that.  I finally had enough and have been spending more and more time this last year as low contact with her due to her always violating and I mean ALWAYS my boundaries.   Recently I sent her some cash during Thanksgiving to help her out. She called my aunt and told her that I sent her money as a payment towards the $30,000  I stole from her when my dad died.  My aunt know this is not true and is used to my mothers pathological lying.  But after 6 intense years I am just tired.  It was the straw that broke the camels back.  I give up.  I have to decide My life or hers?  I am choosing me for now.  I have changed my phone number and thankfully live 6 hours from her.  I need a very long break to find myself again.  I am writing this as a validation to myself that I am choosing me for now.  Im not advocating that this is what others need to do.  Every person has their own situation and their BPD is somewhere different on the continuum.  I truly hope others are finding success with developing a workable relationship with their BPD.  Unfortunately I cant seem to find my way there.  Im tied of feeling like a failure.   I don't know if Im the only one who feels this way or not.  Sorry so long.  6 intense years in the making.  :'(

IMO most of us have felt like this at some point. No need to apologize about telling your story! It's good that you've expressed it, and it sounds like you need to take this step, so congratulations.

Thank you Pretty Please. Nice but sad to know Im not the only one.   

Hello losthero


I am very sorry you feel this way yet since I was raised by an uBPD mother myself, I can also very much relate to what you've expressed here. I do wanna say though that dealing with someone who has BPD is greatly challenging, even for people who were raised by 'healthy' parents and only had to deal with people with BPD in their adult lives. The knowledge and skills required to handle BPD, aren't things we are borne with. We gotta learn this as we go along, often through a process of trial and error. What works with one person with BPD, doesn't necessarily have to work with others. Also keep in mind that we can't change people with BPD if they don't want to, no matter how many changes we make in our own behavior, we can't make them change if they don't want to themselves. Perhaps it might help to not judge yourself by the outcome of what you've done to deal with your mother, but by the effort you've put into it. You may not have achieved the desired results, but you certainly did your best trying and that can definitely be considered a huge success |iiii

You've reached your limit now and I totally understand after all the stress your mother put you through. Your own mental and emotional well-being is most important and I think you realize that too now. You say that you need a long break to find yourself again and I believe the steps you've taken so far by distancing yourself from your mother and exploring your feelings here, have put you on the right track to do so.