BPDFamily.com

Well... . a few months have passed. Not a single day I don´t think about her or our RS. Still I´m on a good track. I´m training, focusing on my self and my family and living the simple life. I have cut down drinking and I have really focused on daily routines.

But still the weird part is the effort that comes doing all this. I am "the healthy one" sort to speak. I don´t want to ever be with her again. But the "magical" memories still haunt me. But the bad things and the words and actions that affected me are always to remind me that I could never be with her.

She has got a new boyfriend. She has caught 3 guys in her bulls-it tha last 7 months and I really don´t care. I feel sorry for them.

But the weird thing is how hard it is do detach. How hard it is not to be angry. How hard it is not to think about the magical moments. How hard it is to miss the good things.

But that´s just the way it is I guess.

Understanding helps tomjon. The complex bond that forms is truly a force to be reckoned with. Understanding your own issues, whatever they are, helps. Understanding BPD and how the dynamics of the disorder affected you. All that you mentioned about daily business and focusing on the self, all good stuff. Seeing the bad that came with those good warm moments helps too. Takes time and patience. I know exactly where you're coming from. It's hard.

I agree with Perdify, tomjon. I recall the first few months of seperation and my mind was focused on the good parts. I think it was a part of grieving. It took several months and then I was getting the bad memories of the r/s. Now I can see them for both.

It is hard to detach, it takes time.

In the beginning I was pissed and emotionally attached at the same time. Confounding jumble of emotions that kept me stone cold drunk for a time. Got a handle on the spirits. Eventually I starting taking care of myself and doing the things I love again and her memory began to fade into the background of the scenery of my lifes experiences. I will admit there are times she pops up in my mind still, probably always will... . but like is her nature... . she fades away again... . like the Cheshire Cat.

Tomjon-I am in a similar place as you.  I actually wish I could feel the anger more.  When I went through a divorce from my now ex wife (non-BPD) I actually felt a good deal of anger which helped me detach and move on.  I don't feel any real anger toward my exBPDgf, but wish I did. This  particular weekend is hard on me because it is her birthday.  I have really had to fight the urge to contact her and wish her a happy birthday.  I know I can't have any contact with her at all. 

It helped me when I changed the context of the breakup into the death of a dream.  The thing about these relationships is we expose ourselves at our core level and for a minute that core stuff we thought we were going to finally have seems possible.  When that rug is pulled out from under us - it is just going to take time to heal.

Good job on the healthy routines, this is one of those things you can control.


Having 2 seemingly conflicting emotions but acting based on facts is emotional maturity.  This is a skill taught in DBT actually. 


Time combined with our own healthy choices has a way of watering down those intense feelings.    Patience and discipline are new skills we tend to learn in this process at an entirely new level.

You really are on the healing track  |iiii

Peace,

SB