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the relationship was emotionally intense and it took also a bit of time to see my own part of that dynamic (im still discovering more) but not actively, but I acknowledge also that without BPD, I have to appraise a bit how I would get emotionally so reactive and that maybe im inclined to it, its about the circumstances. Those circumstances made it far more likely. There were some moments my ex said to me "you are too much for me", and I didnt really get it, I feel in retrospect she has a fair point but again, context is crucial, it was reactive as if being in an emotional whirlpool, it was joining in to the tempo of the r/s and that tempo was high. I lacked the skills, to do different.

Fast foward 3 years, its learning curve and some changes and its one of the things I feel a sense of achievement and cant just label the past as "sea of misery, despair, negativity".

One of the things I enjoyed learning about and has stuck, is the Karpman Drama Triangle and to recognise how it is possible to fall into a role but also how to get out and into the centre.

Its a little bit of wisdom here and there I feel ive picked up, and its making progress. Today at work, I very nearly emotionally reacted to something, in the past im sure I would have just got confrontational. I got just a sliver of breathing space and started fact checking and realised I was wrong (the info I got was incorrect from 3rd party who gave it in good faith), but I was trigger happy and emotionally getting carried away.

I just wanted to share, I also wonder what else there is to learn. Ive been 3 years and id say majority of it has been detaching. Im consistently a lot more stable and im ready and willing to learn more, I see the value of it already - in practice - and also that I dont like the way it feels, that adrenaline hit, and it is possible to control, it doesnt have to escalate.

I guess another though I had, something i want to know but realise I cant ever know. She stayed with me regardless, but was it for that reason - being so easily emotionally unfooted made me easier to control, or was there something more meaningful. Just a thought, which 3 years on doesnt have that much relevance.

Im not sure why entirely im writing this, but if you read, I thank you for listening.

Bedbugs. My moment of illumination came with the bedbugs. See, the thing is you have to listen through the dysregulations carefully, for the light of truth that may occur. So my ex beloved with BPD is thunder and lightning because she is sure we have bedbugs. I called her mother (most fortunately a rock of support always, and an expert at managing her daughter) and explained in my calm logical manner, all the reasons why it could not be bedbugs.  This with beloved raging in the background, and of course the calmer and more logical I am the more furious she gets. Mama said "ok the bedbugs are not real but the pain is". That helped me address the pain, which in turn calmed things down.
What I mean is this: we have to listen when they rage. Unfortunately, because it would be a lot easier to recite mantras under our breath and tune out. But we don't have to take onboard  what they say. If I did I would have been fumigating for non-existent bedbugs. In the same way, the things that were said about you were not real. Don't take it onboard. They were merely the expressions of a disordered mind, and as sensible as unicorns planting bombs in the mire. Thinking of these expressions as in any way real will lead you down the path of crazy.
The disorder is real. That is not about you, you can't change it, cure it or control it. Equally real, no doubt, was that she felt something for you. The more she felt the angrier she got. When you become acquainted with the reality of BPD, from the inside, you begin to understand what courage it takes to let someone in close. They are so vulnerable, really. I mean, of course we must take our share of responsibility for what went wrong. But the path to that realization is not through the ramblings of a disordered mind.
Like you I am really beginning to appreciate the difference the tools made in my life. The tools have improved my relationships with everybody. I call it the gift of BPD. If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger.
How does this approach strike you?

Hi khibomsis

there is something bitter-sweet about this gift (but yes it does exist, I believe it does), at least thats how I feel at the moment, but thats okay too, the gift is what it is.

what means the most to me is that you replied, I did not know if anyone would.

Its difficult, sometimes I re-read my words and dont understand them myself, like word-salad.

but here i found the support, somehow I reached out and somehow others have always done some wizard-magic, since day 1, the positivity and the healing has been there even if I could not notice it. Thank you so much.

Cromwell, keep doing what you do. Sometimes just getting out the thoughts is enough. There doesn't have to be a point or end game. BTW...I do enjoy seeing your growth. Learning to control your emotions is a big deal. Not allowing things to escalate is vitally important. Indifferent and firm is typically the best way to go.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

You are so welcome Cromwell! Just trying to pass it forward, I came to these boards broken and have been thinking a lot lately of how BPD family supported me to turn my life around. Might be painful now and then, but at least I don't live in ignorance. No wisdom is too dearly bought.
Yes, like Sinister Complex says, just get those words out there. Doesn't always have to make sense, we are here for you in the processing.

Hey Cromwell, Nietzsche said, "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger," and I find this quote apt to recovery from a BPD r/s.  In my view, going through the BPD crucible is what leads to greater happiness.

Nietzsche also said, "Become who you are!"  I interpret this quote to mean that one should strive to be authentic.  I got away from my core in my marriage to a pwBPD.  I forgot who I was, which was not fun.  Now I'm back on my path.

LJ

combined response to all of you, that im fortunate to have met you going through this. Id like to refer to Lucky Jim on "become who you are"

For me this experience is ongoing, but there is a bit of khibomsis, SC, and LJ as well as everyone else that I feel amalgamated and can take with me into those battlegrounds, so thats "me" but in that way of being inspired, so thanks :)

Luck also plays a part. even if I dont understand why or how.

these relationships have a way of forcing things to the surface, to our faces. we can confront them or ignore them.

it doesnt have to be anything more or less than just learning to become a more emotionally mature person. that will attract a higher quality partner. it will tend to yield the skills to maintain a higher quality relationship.

what else is there to learn? theres always more, enough for a life time. are you asking for specifics?

Just how to attain a bit more Joy-de-vivre of life OR, at the moment I feel an affinity towards it, it is the counterpoise and the ultimate anti-dote but the key is experiencing it enough to be able to define it what it is, to contrast and compare to all that ive known of what "joy" is. It is appearing, I have to just ensure Im not conflating it with being lifted out of depression, a lot of depressive symptoms gone, more energy, activity, positive relationships, laughter at times spontaneous not forced, integration with hobbies, listening music. There is more upbeat harmony but there are times it is punctuated and the melody is broken, I know you are most likely to have some expertise in this area, the melody of life. the skills have increased to be aware of it more concious.

so good once..."what else is there to learn?"?

I really like that...I dont need to learn from them...

one of my favourite new words I use more regular is "bunch", I use to only think it applied to fruit.