BPDFamily.com

This is one of the things that has always baffled me. Yes, I've always been pretty open. Yeah, I'm very heart on my sleeve. That being said... .it pisses me off that my pwBPD thinks that he can read and interpret my actions, intentions, feelings, facial expressions - you name it. He claims that he can "read" most people. And in some ways, yes - he is quite intuitive. And when we were in the honeymoon period it was often uncanny the connections that he made about me. And at the time (when he considered me a good person) he was frequently spot on.

But now that we're in the "reality" phase of the relationship which includes a huge amount of devaluation, he is wrong almost ALL of the time. Every thought is twisted, every expression taken wrong, every action interpreted as some sort of judgment or assault on him. It has taken me a long time to understand that likely these are thoughts and feelings that he is having about himself and that he is projecting them onto me and making me his scapegoat. For example, this came up as part of an argument from a couple weeks ago. "You think you're more important to my son than I am!" I have never had that thought myself, but I have sensed by his actions that he has felt threatened for some time by the rapport I have built with his son. So that accusation is really an expression of HIS fear that I might become more important to his child than he is. Make sense?

Does anyone else have this dynamic in their relationship? I would love some suggestions for communicating my true feelings and intentions in a way that does not then feed right back into the argument cycle we seem to be stuck in. Because this is a HUGE part of our pattern. "YOU (insert accusation here)" "No, I don't feel that way at all... ." "YES YOU DO!" Lather, rinse, repeat.

Deal with it at the very first hint... .do not get into the yes you feel this way no I don't

"You feel xyz... "

"Oh my goodness... .than you for your concern.  Are you asking about my feelings?"

wait... slow things down...

"blather blather"


wait...

"Oh... do you want to tell me about your feelings?"

"blather blather"

"I'm confused... .if you want to hear my feelings, I'll be happy to share when I get back from a relaxing walk.  "  Leave

Never disagree or confirm that they have your feelings right... .

In calmer moments... .ask politely for them to ask... vice tell or suggest feelings for you.

Make sure you don't do this to them... .

This used to be HUGE part of my r/s.

FF

I had similar fights with my wife, and I came to a couple conclusions about her:

1. She is very sensitive/intuitive, and she would pick up on moods and feelings very well. So hiding that I was upset usually didn't work, for example.

2. She was prone to jumping to all kinds of conclusions which were dead wrong, not just about what I was thinking, but also what others were thinking. There probably WAS some sort of a clue that was real that she found, it just let her up the wrong tree!

---

One of the things that pissed me off the most was being told that I felt something about her or thought something about her. It bugged me even when she was right. It infuriated me when she was wrong, and that happened often. I'm pretty slow to anger, and it became one of the most triggering things for me.

I set a hard and harsh boundary: I would not participate in any conversations where she was telling me how I felt or what I was thinking.

Among other things, I told her that she wasn't actually capable of reading my mind, so there was absolutely no way I could *EVER* prove I wasn't thinking what she accused me of thinking, and I refused to try.

(If she asked me what I was thinking or feeling, that is completely different, and we could and did have those conversations, and some of them were very good and productive.)

Perhaps if I was less triggered, I could have gently re-directed a conversation to where I was being asked about my feelings... .but I honestly couldn't, and just getting out without screaming at her was a "success" for me at the time.

Same here... .95% of the time I totally end it.  Perhaps 5% of the time I try to redirect.

FF

in most cases i would state "please dont ascribe me motives." yes it drives me up a wall too, and getting defensive about it is natural, but will tend to make things worse, its invalidating (so is telling someone how they feel) and may tend to only reinforce his perspective.

"please dont ascribe me motives" doesnt have a huge likelihood of success, but its worth a shot, and it has worked for me with some very difficult people that did this sort of thing. its only worth saying one time, he may continue right on doing it.

youve gotten good advice. not JADEing is central, however you handle it.

I've read elsewhere that pwBPD are hyper-sensitive to others' feelings and moods, (and hyper-sensitive themselves). 

my wife does that to me, particularly when I'm upset or annoyed about something.  it usually does make it worse, not the fact that she can read my mood, but her response to it: If I'm upset by something she did, she keeps prodding, then attacking, defending her actions, invalidating mine, arguing I'm wrong to feel the way I do.  she'll make a mountain out of a molehill.

My husband is constantly muttering "F*!" sometimes under his breath and other times loudly enough to startle me. When asked, he usually says it's "nothing" or sometimes admits that he's beating himself up.

The other day I was repairing something (I'm the handy person in the family) and something went askew and I said that word. He got really upset--not because I used that language, but because I was irritated--and he assumed, irrationally, that I was irritated at him.

I said, "That's really rich, coming from you, who uses that word several times a day!" He later apologized.