BPDFamily.com

Hello:  I'm a mother of two teens and a friend recently recommended the Stop Walking on Eggshells book.  When I took the questionnaire at the beginning of the book, I took it for myself and my partner.  I feel like I've been going crazy over the past several years as our situation has deteriorated.  I don't recognize myself at home Then I gave it to my kids and asked them to evaluate each of us.  The book says that we should be very concerned if anyone answers more than sixteen yes.  My son rated his father 20 and my daughter 17 so their scores confirmed what I felt like I was perceiving.  I read the whole book and realized I've been doing so much wrong as I've tried to figure out how to respond and I had no basis for understanding what was going on.  In many cases I have simply reacted (and in some cases very badly) rather than responding.  It got to the point where I felt like I was just trying to tread water to survive.   During COVID, he did two virtual consultations and received initial "psychosis" evaluations, but he refused to go in for further treatment.  His mother and I have been trying for years to get him into therapy and we think we're definitely dealing with paranoia and PTSD as well, but the unconventional BPD and NPD descriptions helped explain so much more.  So, my big question is, assuming that there won't be an official diagnosis forthcoming, is it worth it for me to move forward to try to find help for myself and my kids using the BPD/NPD framework?  I don't want to "label someone" but truthfully, it would be much less painful to understand that someone who I used to love and who still claims to love me treats us this way because of a mental illness rather than willfully being "out to get us" by keeping us on this emotional roller coaster--I feel like there is so little trust left and I've closed myself off completely.  I guess I'm looking for some other people's experience, particularly in cases where the partner/parent refuses to acknowledge any problem.

 First, welcome to our big family! :hi: Please thank your friend for her invaluable book suggestion.

You can't learn everything at once of course.  There is an immense quantity of information, education, enlightenment and strategies, so much it will take you weeks and months to absorb what is helpful in your situation.  But never fear, our interaction will be both helpful and refreshing.  We've been there, done that.  Learn what worked for us and surely some of it will help you.

We do encourage counseling, including yourself.  Sadly, most who are acting-out disordered seem to resist therapy, the Denial is that intense.  The children are in formative years.  Experienced counselors can surely help them in addition to anything you share with them.

Last I heard, minors can't have accounts or post here but there's nothing to stop them from looking over your shoulder.

It's true that most PD relationships discussed here never did get an official diagnostic label.  Many professionals are reluctant to pin a diagnosis on someone, especially not if they haven't been directly assessed.

So what we do here is to follow the process family courts use when cases come before them... they use the documented behaviors to construct temporary orders, then later regular orders.  In my own local court, all the professionals studiously avoided commenting on either spouse's mental state, they just set orders in place to limit poor behaviors.  We don't have the authority which courts have to issue orders, so we call them Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0).  <-- Click to jump to our Tools and Skills workshop board so you can read articles describing how we design and implement practical boundaries.