BPDFamily.com

I have been with an uBPD partner for many years now. I've learned to cope on most days. I wanted to share something one of our children said about uBPDw the other day. His insightfulness really amazed me.

My uBPDw's biggest issue is paranoia. The levels to which she will singlehandedly create her own angry, negative universe is nothing short of remarkable. I have said to her, in times of great exasperation, that someday she will realize how much of her life was wasted on worrying about things that aren't real.

uBPDw will occasionally ask for help with her laptop, tablet, phone, etc. Most of the time she would rather complain about how such-and-such device is a piece of junk, she hates it, etc. (because she refuses to ask for help with it or read instructions). If she gets the slightest inkling that anyone has been "tampering" with her technology, she will typically fly into a rage.

Anyway, she asked for help with a device the other day and I did my best, but it did not end well. S11 witnessed the whole thing and after things calmed down and I had a chance to talk to him alone about it, and asked him to help his mom later. He said, "I will, but sometimes it's like defusing a bomb."

Pretty profound stuff.

You know it is interesting you bring up paranoia.  There have been many times over the years where I thought that my wife was trying to pick a fight or create conflict in the relationship.  After learning more and more and more, I have come to realize that often times it is pure paranoia and lack of ability to make decisions over so many things in her life.  Driving around finding a place to eat is a major event sometimes to the point where I get fed up and share my displeasure with her.  For her, she was literally paranoid about picking the right place.  It also has to do with her spending money on things or doing illogical things as well.  Any electrical equipment like laptops, iphones, watches, etc is always a major issues with my wife as well. 

A lot of it is due to extremism and catastrophizing.  The smallest hiccup is the greatest injustice of all time.

Hypochondria of the life and everything that it involves.

... and someone has to be blamed

Yes that is exactly how the person in my life is, defusing a bomb when he gets into these moods, has problems, has chaos. It is crazy the energy wasted, on silly rages.

I usually am the optimist, help everyone, be calm. Until the past few years things would get to me, and I would cry easily. I soon realized I was handling, work, life, learning, taking care of kids, his rages, all household responsibilities, two homes, etc.

I can tell with naming what he and my mom has, the tools and just plain trying to get back to me and not his care-taking I am getting back to my zen.

For example I have a large social media account recently started for my business ( had a smaller one, and a larger one for quite awhile), so am use to trolls. But one small business person ( mentioning because they should know better), started trolling, wanting to know where my location is, how to find me, really weird stalker behaviour. Very PD to be honest. Took me a little to find out what triggered him as my account is very clean, professional, motivational etc. Well... .can't figure unless it was a message someone sent me in notifications asking for help ( they seem to be on opposite political) though my account is not political ( the business one). I was so tempted to point out their weird stalking, their out of bounds behaviour.

Instead just simply blocked, went and did yoga. A big plus for me, I am never drama or hurting anyone. But before coupled with all going through with the BPD in my life I would have got nervous, or upset. Now... .meh... .whatever. Though my kids think creepy, as they are still sending messages to me even if blocked. Now asking if married, dating, pics etc... .Sad thing is it is their business they are ruining... .LOL would go into more but would probably id the idiots... .LOL

So sorry your son has to see this, my son has said the same about his Dad. We see how peaceful things are now, how we have the power and control and will continue to find joy in the day.

Amen!

Great analogy. Made me think of the most tense scene in the movie "Hurt Locker." When you're defusing a bomb, you're incredibly stressed the whole time and drained and exhausted afterwards.

Defusing bombs is a survival tool, not a thriving tool.

Sometimes a contained explosion is less stressful, and doesn't derail you the same.

How do you contain it?

The paranoia comes from the inability to allow themselves to be blamed for anything.  It's also part of the crazy making process because anything broken in the house is either the fault of someone else or some sort of mysterious goblin.

The BPD lives in a world where they have to be right, because emotionally and mentally the stakes are too high for them to be wrong.   If they have to create a false reality for that happen, then so be it.   

The BPD lives in a world where they have to be right, because emotionally and mentally the stakes are too high for them to be wrong.   If they have to create a false reality for that happen, then so be it.   

I'm in the process of divorcing my husband so not sure why I even looked on this board today, but I'm glad I did because this is EXACTLY what I was (and still am) dealing with. 

Showing them it is Ok to be wrong and that you are not going to dump all over them for being wrong is an important step. So arguing your reality is giving off the opposite message.

It is not easy as their reluctance to backtrack is extremely ingrained. They catastrophize and think the world is going to end if they do.

Hold off stepping in and trying to resolve their dramas, and stepping away when they attempt to spread the drama. Preventing the projection, and staying out of teh blast zone.

Sorry, I've been off diffusing other bombs and haven't had much time online.

The "how" is still a work in progress. uBPDw is uber-paranoid and has been so for many years. Most of our relationship and family issues have been fueled either by her explosions, accusations, or actions following one of her episodes. She creates her own problems, then blames others, then creates other problems if the original issue is solved.

I've mitigated a few of the issues by presenting facts. For instance, if she accuses me of being someplace I shouldn't be (she constantly thinks I'm having an affair, etc.) I will video-call her so she can see for herself that I am not. Typically, she won't answer and then acts like the accusation was never made.

Others instances I can diffuse with empathy, which typically shuts her right down. She is one of those people who is rarely happy with life, so the complaints are frequent. Her hypocritical, contrary nature is fairly intense and sometimes unpredictable.

Other instances, which I refer to as "the crazies," happen at certain time of the year -- holidays, especially. It's almost as if she gathers every grudge she has ever held and blasts them out at me all at once. The episodes are short-lived but intense. I typically have to leave the house for a while when they occur.

I used to see it more like walking in a landmine field. It looked like a peaceful meadow on a sunny day. Then I would accidentally trip a wire and get blasted. One minute we're laughing, next we're at war.

Defusing a bomb (or dodging landmines) gets easier -- with awareness, and lots of practice. There may be 999 wires easily triggered to engage at any second, but eventually you learn where they are and which ones not to touch. Mine still tries to set up booby traps for me sometimes, but at least now I can see them in plain sight and not "go there". When he can't watch me explode, he'll find new "enemies" to battle. Then come crying to me when he gets burned by the debris.

I love Waverider's response:

  |iiii

I always thought the opposite, that defusing the bomb was a good way to deal with the situation, but since I've been in T for my relationship with DH, I've finally come to understand that I no longer need to worry about the land mines when I am around him, even though they are still there. For years I've done my best to avoid them with hyper vigilance and letting my life revolve around him and diffusing the bombs. Now I'm not afraid to let the mines blow up. I do my best to not trigger them, but since I don't always know when and where they are going to explode, I let his reaction be his reaction, and we are still married with me no longer being so afraid. I still struggle sometimes, but it's been worth it to stop diffusing the bomb.

Wools

mssalty has it - every fight, or in our case lecture as I try not to "fight" most of the time, ends up being about whose fault anything under the sun is.  It always comes down to, "this isn't MY fault!"  Sadly, often it is, either because his lack of care for his things means something got damaged, his chosen way to handle backing up files is cumbersome and often not needed (but it's the "right" way), and his frustration, then anger, then rage often breaks something. 

So yeah, when something won't work, it's often his insistence at doing it wrong or ineffectually that causes it.  We've both done troubleshooting for IT stuff at our jobs.  I'm flexible and find answers.  He can find an answer at work, but at home, it's a no go. 

In my case as an expert on electronic devices it is like disarming a bomb blindfolded.