BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

Just dropped by to see my exBPDgf, still painted black.

Wont talk to me... .(still) absolutely refuses... .pulled the curtains

But strangely was wearing my old jersey? 

Dont BPD love to keep things close that remind them of there loved one?

Its what I would do.

Some do, its object consistency you are referring to.

I would not be jumping to that conclusion in this case though.

Are there any real signs that she is just playing difficult, rather than simply not into you anymore?

Maybe seeing you brings back painful feelings for her.

Thank you, wave rider & syartrekuser,

Yes, when she sees me it does push a few buttons, I spoke with her last week and she said if I had left her alone she would have contacted me by now?

I have done everything I can to try and build a bridge, I'm painted black so Im going to sit back and see what happens.

Seems me pushing her for time or answers is a trigger as well.

Any ideas?

Good plan and good insight on the r/s dynamic. 

Avoiding triggering pwBPD is a good thing.

Thank you formflier

Do you thinks its ok to send some flowers each week?

Do you think she will perceive that as "pushing"?

Good point formflier

She does though love flowers... .

I put on the card:

XXXX

I always said I would fight for you and I have have done that…

I never wanted to be one of these “men” you always talked about who just crumble when the going got tough.

I have a strong core and I know what this is and it will never change, but I’m also prepared to and always will be to work on things.

There is nothing wrong with change, especially when it comes to giving space in a relationship so more love can grow. 

I have setup an automated delivery of flowers each week as a thank you for the most memorable period in my life, I learnt so much.

Kind regards

xxxx


Think this is more a line in the sand and a thank you for everything... .

Want to put the ball in her court and see what happens in time.

One other questions I have, when I spoke to hear all she wanted to do was destroy any good memory I had:

E.g. Memorable relationship she came back and said it was a good fling. (was 1 year)

Oh forgot to say first time exBPDgf hasn't said she doesn't like me... .

Things slightly on the up  :)

What do you think about a plan that would involve letting the r/s rest for 30 days.

Take that time to focus on reading lessons here and being prepared for resumption of contact.

Then... .after 30 days... .discuss with us again a best plan to "break the ice"... .or "test the waters"... .to see if she is interested.

Thoughts?

Hi  formflier

Have decided to do that, educate myself and then look for help on how to check in with her.

She has indicated she will be in contact so I will leave it there.

Thank you!

i'm not sure sending flowers every week feels good to me. this is giving her gifts because she is behaving bad, i think this is more enabling her behavior. sending the message that no matter what she does you will always be there--as her fall-back plan. also suggesting that you are the person in the wrong and solidifying for her that you indeed are the cause of the issues.

the best advice i read about trying to rekindle a r/s after a breakup is actually counter-intuitive to many, but it makes a lot of sense. don't send flowers and don't chase after her. this is just going to put you in even more of a subservient position. i think the best thing to do is validate her--AGREE with her. she thinks it's best you are apart now--Agree with her. She doesn't want to talk for a while, Agree that this is the best thing, you feel like it's better to not talk for a while and work on yourself. She wants to date others? Agree with her, and if you feel ok with it then you go date others. this is a stronger position and more in line with what she is asking for, respect her wishes.

i wouldn't put any stock whatsoever in her telling you that other men crumbled when the going got tough. for many, statements like these are lies to stoke the white knight in men so that they grovel and keep seeking affection. instead of rewards i would simply let her know that you are open to talk when she is ready and until then you hope she is well and will be happy on your own. i think she's trying to give you hints when she says if you hadn't initiated she would have eventually contacted you--give her this opportunity. i would be careful in feeling somehow that you are different from other men, that you have more stick-to-it-ness than the guys before and that this will win her over. i'm sure she's had plenty of men that wanted things to work just as bad, yet no amount of gifts can overcome a PD.

she's referring to your 1 year r/s as a fling, and although this obviously isn't true for you, it's probably best to treat it as such until she can work through things on her own and come around. if you try too hard it will have the opposite effect of what you want. i want to give you another perspective on things, just my two cents... .

Hi goldylamont

Thank you for the input, I did this last recycle.

Giving flowers and not contacting her, she greatly appreciated it.

The men in her life have let her down, I have met the Dad... .and other partners.

I'm ok to keep sending flowers, It was me who broke up... .

I have PTSD (never told her) I blackout when confronted with aggression (Farther beat my mother) its a coping mechanism.

She was incredibly aggressive with me on the phone, wanted to come and get somethings, I felt I was being triggered and asked her to stay away 5 times but she just kept pushing and next thing I knew... .was... .   I blacked out for 36 hours (longest before only 3-6 hours) and when I came to, I was at work, checked my mobile... .I had broken up with her via text and put all her stuff outside.

The texts were horrible, mocked her and would have caused ALOT OF SHAME... .(I broke up with the love of my life... .I didn't do it but I did as I have the texts on my phone... .

Tried to tell her I have this illness, but she would never meet me and finally last week I sent her a letter explaining what happened. It took 10 weeks to write that letter, first person I have ever told in my life... .a lot of shame (but Im working on this)

She just glossed over it like it was nothing... .but I have a feeling that it will take some time for her to register I blackout and it wasn't deliberate or intentional.

In the past she would not make a big deal of things and gloss over things until she knows how she feels... .

Just such a sad situation & I need some help to sort this out... .

Flora,

If she has gone silent for 8 weeks, know that pushing through the silence with flowers is actually undermining yourself.  She is not only not reciprocating, she is slamming the door closed.

Now is a time to give her space. Don't be a doormat. That is not going to bring her back.  People are attracted to strength - not weakness.  You are trying to say that you are strong and will stand by her - but you are showing her that you are not strong enough to stand by yourself.

It's also a time to stand strog for yourself.

It's also time to start pulling back emotionally.  Set a milestone.  If this goes on for __ weeks,  let go and move on.

I know this is not what you want to hear.  Things are as they are - not as we want them to be.

Hang in there.  

Skip

Thank you Skip,

Points noted... .  :)

On reading your post I decided to stop all contact, flowers etc all stopped.

I will as noted move on as I have really exhausted my efforts.

She all ready has a door matt at her house on the floor by the entrance  :)

You will feel better for it

|iiii

Flora73,

I will be hard, but its both the best chance of salvaging things and of letting go.



Skip

Thank you Skip, Waverider and everyone else... .

As they say on my side of the world it isn't over until the fat lady has has sung.

I will be a silent audience getting on with my life 

But you may see me asking a few questions from time to time.

Thank you again!