BPDFamily.com

Do pwBPDs only show the BPD side of themselves to specific people?   My wife doesn't show it to everybody, but seemingly only people that are very close to her.

Yes they do.  My BPDfriend is a different person to other people. Like a chameleon. Sometimes it seems we are talking about two different people.  The other friends will never see her unpleasant side.  They never experience the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. She caters to them, never saying no for fear of not being accepted.  So they all think she is this adorable, fun and nice person.  I on the other hand often get rejected, yet she can only open up to me about her fears, her anger. Things get projected on to me. When this happens I keep my distance.

Yes, they are a little two-faced.  They have to be.  If their BPD behaviors were shown to everyone from the beginning, the would never get anything in life.  I've literally seen her switch from complete hysterics to pleasant when a new person is in the room.

That said, I've noticed recently that by dBPD fiance shows many of the same behaviors to her best friend as she shows to me.  I've only witnessed a few notches lower (I don't know if the friend has seen the tantrums and the hitting and the uncontrollable screaming).  I've seen her rage towards co-workers and complete strangers.  In fact, when I really pay attention, her BPD behaviors are actually there with everyone, it's only a matter to what level. 

A pwBPD has trouble coping with intimacy, so the closer someone is to them, the more they go off the rails with that person.

So yes, this sort of thing is very common.

And it isn't something to take personally--it is about your role in their life, not about you.

So if I take the advice of this website and do the SET and validate, then that would be creating intimacy and may drive my wife uBPD away from me.  Does this sound plausible?  I've been very nice to her in our current crisis and she just keeps moving further away from me, threatening to see a divorce attorney and moving out.

No, not exactly.

A pwBPD is driven by both a fear of intimacy/engulfment on one hand... .and a fear of abandonment on the other hand.

Being nice helps. Validation helps. Being needy and chasing after her isn't as productive. It is always a process to work on improving how you do these things, and you will get better as you work on it.

I'd say that the tools here really do seem to improve things, at least when I feel like I'm applying them properly. If you do, you will find yourself doing better... .and give your wife room to get better as well, although she may get worse before she gets better. Note I said room to get better, not "will get better"--She will make her own choices. You have some influence, but they are her choices.