BPDFamily.com

I've been NC for 5 months with my exWbpd. We are both trying to get RO against each other. She made up some BS story about me being a threat to her and her daughter so that she could leave her daughter in  her ex husband's care while she went to escort one evening.The husband took the threat seriously and took away her custody until she gets an RO. I need one against her b.c she's sent her Johns after me before. Having said all this, I know that she's still prostituting. I was just informed 5 minutes ago that a buddy of mine saw her do her thing in a parking lot! I know I'm not supposed to contact her and I do still love her but I feel like I really should be doing something to get her to stop. I know that these men are extremely dangerous and they have a lot of money that they wouldn't want to be put at risk by her when her activities get revealed at our next hearing . ( She once  was paid 10k by them for a weeks work  )I feel like this could also be her coping with the fact that she can't see her daughter. Nevertheless it does not take away the danger she's placing herself  in . What would you guys do?

I know that one of my (our?) problems is we have this insatiable need to make sure they are okay. Even when they are excruciatingly cruel, we ask ourselves are they happy?  Even when they are in the process of destroying us, we tell ourselves they are doing it because they must be so sad and lonely, and we want to take away their pain. Even when they are having sex with some other guy in a relationship or otherwise in your case, we still want to be with them.

You and we are not responsible for their happiness. Even in the best of times you and we are not responsible for their happiness. You are trying to save someone who would destroy you. When we are inside that place it is almost impossible to see, which is why I am telling you from an outside perspective. Trust me, I needed folks on here to tell me I was seeing what I was seeing in my own journey. I knew deep down it was nuts. Hell, it still is nuts some days.

You can't save her. You gotta save yourself. Time, distance, and no contact.

I read somewhere the analogy that it was like standing on a floor covered in broken glass. Walking out of that room is going to hurt like hell, and your feet are going to hurt like hell even for awhile after, and you will probably even have some scars forever, but the alternative is just standing there on broken glass and hurting forever.

Sam,

This is blunt. But it's really none of your business. You aren't together. You are reverting to the same behaviour patterns that attracted a BPD in the first place - you want to be her saviour. You aren't.

My advice is to let her be, and focus on you - because that's all you can truly control.

Atm, you are in a fairly good position to move on and heal. If you jump back in that world, you are putting yourself into serious danger and things could get MUCH worse for you. You could end up in jail, or you could have a "dangerous" client of hers on your case.

Choose yourself, Sam. Try to save a drowning person without the expertise on how, you might drown yourself.

Her life, her piss poor choices and decisions. It is her mess. She made her own bed...let her sleep in it.

Most importantly, drop the ego and pride thinking you have any power here. You don't. You could not get her to stop. That is a foolish thought process and you have no godly or magical powers to do jack sh.. :cursing:. You have got to get over the savior mentality as fast as possible. It is not your job, it is not your responsibility! To borrow a quote from the famous dearly departed Eazy-E You are not captain save a H (fill in the blank).

All you can do...how about think about your own life and yourself. Her Johns were sent after you? And here you are thinking about how you can save her? Do you see the paradox there?

Moving forward...let's focus on you and improving your mind sets and getting rid of the toxic thoughts.

Keep your head up and move forward.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Unfortunately I have to agree with everyone else here - though I'll ameliorate the condemnation by pointing out that when I was young I was absolutely certain I could save anyone and everyone if I just put enough effort, study and prayer into it. Ultimately though, you come to the humbling conclusion that you can't - there are people who are destined for the temptations, wrongdoings and world from which you wish you could save them.

Hang up the suit of armour, you'll need it in the future dealing with other people in your life - people more deserving of your help and who will actually benefit from it. Just tell your buddies you don't want to hear updates about her, you did your best but she's on her own now.

It's likely some of her issues were decided while in the womb, and the rest of them in the ten years afterward - long before you knew her; they're an engrained part of her personality and the only way she knows how to be...and she's not likely capable of learning anything else this late in her life. Walk away, shake the dust from your sandals, and admit this is one dragon you'll never slay.