BPDFamily.com

Most of you have probably read about my stressful vacation with pwBPD. Today I sent out a few texts in the name of not being accused of "disappearing" and get nothing but brief (late - generally 2+ hours later) replies. Whatever, this has become his pattern when disregulated and mad at me.

Then this evening:

"Hello. Miss you, hope you're ok. Sorry for the bumps. Are you mad at me?"

Ugh. So yeah, I'm pretty freaking mad. I'm tired of this thing where he treats me horribly, says hurtful things, and then thinks "sorry for the bumps" is an adequate apology.

But I can't say THAT. What should I say that is honest and productive? Or do I just let this one go and approach it another way at another time?

Thoughts?
 

Over the years I have learned that texts are a poor way to communicate with my pwBPD.  He never reads them in the manner intended and they usually would come back to haunt me.  I text only casual or informational texts.

I would let it go.

I've got a real problem with dishonesty or deception, but there is another question here about sharing your truth, your feelings with him:

That would be acting vulnerably with him, sharing those feelings.

Doing this with somebody you can trust is a powerful thing, and it builds a deeper, more connected relationship.

Doing this with a pwBPD, aka somebody who isn't safe, who will respond badly, blaming you, attacking you, pretty certainly would give you "more bumps" if you did isn't the same thing--it is just a way for you to get hurt.

So, no, I don't recommend that kind of vulnerability to him.

And like coworkerfriend says, this kind of discussion isn't likely to go well by text. If you don't feel up to talking about it in person, save it for later when you are feeling differently. Your anger will pass.

Yes you can... .

Sure, we might give you pointers on how to say something or timing or if via text or not (text is horrible for this stuff).

Plus... .let's back away from this particular text.  Look at big picture.  If you are contemplating exiting the r/s... .what do you have to loose?  

In fact, do you think you would be more comfortable with an exit after you had been frank, clear, honest about who you are and what you desire in a r/s and what you won't accept?

Note:  Grey's point about vulnerability is accurate and I would consider that as you consider the future of the r/s.  If you want a r/s where there is vulnerability then one of you guys needs to change. 


FF

I was asking advice yesterday about a text my wife sent me... .as I was pondering if I was going to respond or what to possibly respond with.

A waterfall of texts came my way leading me to not being concerned about replying to the first one. Anyway what I have discovered in my situation over that past 9-10 months is that I do not text anything thing that conveys emotional stuff.

She stays in a constant agitated mood that I do not respond promptly or in-depth to her texts. I have stayed pretty firm on this. I have been accused of cheating, not caring that there could be a emergency situation etc... Last night I replied with factual information about something she accused me of saying to someone, I kept it to the point though.

I found out the more boundaries I enforce the more she distrusts me. I decided 2 months ago to join a gym right by my work. I either will go early in the morning or after work. The time I am at the gym she thinks I am having an affair. I don't even defend it other than to say , "you don't have a clue what's going on" I have kept on going without offering defenses on whether I am cheating or not.

She told me the other day that her lawyer wants to subpoena my phone records, I said have fun wasting your money. ( sadly it may end up being my money )

I am in agreement though on the thought that texting is bad for these emotional issues, its has never accomplished anything in my situation.

 

soft thread hijack... .   :)

Can you put a boundary on divorce talk at home?  Likely will help you be calmer.

FF