BPDFamily.com

Hello, first time posting. I came across this site while googling for advice on how to navigate my situation

I've just ended the relationship with my partner. He is diagnosed adhd and with depression/anxiety. Increasingly I have seen behaviours that have worried me and reading up on bpd he fits all of the criteria so I feel like I need to approach the break up sensitively and with this in mind

My reasons for ending the relationship are many, it is causing me a lot of anxiety and negatively affecting my own mental health. I've tried and tried to make it work but ultimately I no longer have feelings and know I need out for my own sanity and well being. I'm scared to end it in person and so cowardly decided to do it over the phone. I have tried to end it a few times before but he has always manipulated me into going back.

He's not accepting the break up, again. I feel he is obsessed with me and won't accept or listen to my reasons. He wants to meet me in person but I don't feel safe to do so because of the manipulation.
Blocking feels harsh and I fear for his mental state deteriorating.

Any reasons I've tried to give hurt him to the core, he can't see my perspective and will not listen. He only hears and sees what he wants to and takes a negative slant on anything I say and sees it as a personal attack.

I don't know what to say or how to proceed to minimise any further damage to him. He has huge abandonment issues.
Any advice or words of what to say/ how to approach this now would be gratefully received

Hello and welcome- I'm so sorry you're in this position but I am thrilled that you found us!  Welcome to the family!

For BPD's, their greatest fear in the whole world is abandonment- that's for friends, family, co-workers, and especially loved ones.  So when relationships start to turn badly, it's often their minds trying to self-correct and find a narrative that meets the situation that they feel in.  An innocent comment on your part can be taken entirely out of context, and instead of confronting you it's stored away as "evidence" that you're not the one for them. 

And as time passes, these little things begin to build up, causing them to fear rejection and even preparing for it, often by unsavory words and actions that seem to come from nowhere.  Maybe they're distant, or more irritable, or acting well outside their norm...and that's because they're so scared of abandonment, that they unknowingly create a scenario where the relationship is almost guaranteed to fail.

Why am I telling you this?  A few reasons. 

#1, this is not your fault and you did not knowingly cause this.  Sure, you may have messed up at times (just like all humans do), but you have the capacity to forgive & forget while your ex does not.  BPD is a terrible illness and it's not exactly his fault either, because he's clueless how destructive he's become.

#2, turmoil in BPD relationships will lead to a fight or flight reflex...for now he's fighting for the relationship while also playing victim.  He may say or do anything to prove his love for you right now, to the point where you may decide that reconciling wouldn't be such a bad option.  That's 100% your decision, but beware that this mental/emotional state isn't permanent.  It's only right now and he's desperate to fix things.

#3, eventually the tide will turn and you might see a different person...one who is mean, and ugly, and seeking vengeance.  If you're 100% out of the relationship, then don't stick around for that side of him because it's not going to be pleasant.  Instead, state clearly why you're walking away (negative slants, hearing what he wants to hear, etc) and then actually walk away.  Blocking him and no contact may also be necessary- let him know your expectations (when he can call/text/visit) and stick to them.

Again, I'll repeat #1- this is not your fault and you should not accept blame.  You can absolutely say goodbye nicely and provide some initial support, but eventually you'll have to draw boundaries and put your foot down.  He will continually reach out with a "poor me" mentality and you have to remember the truth here- you're leaving because you weren't being valued.

I hope that helps!  Good for you for taking action and stopping the abusive cycles.

an ex partner cant help an ex partner heal.

sure, being mindful and considerate of the person youre breaking up with is kind, and noble. but so is being firm about it.

youve given answers and reasons (he asked), he doesnt want to hear them. in reality, usually the person being broken up with doesnt see things the way the person doing the breaking up does, and in this case, its just an argument to be had, an extension of the relationship, really.

so, accepting it is something he will have to do on his own. you cant make him "get it". you can be kind, and you have. but being firm is a kindness. it serves neither of you for you to be a part of a relationship that you dont want to be in, so it doesnt serve either of you to open yourself up to being talked back into it.

when a relationship ends, so do all of the relationship issues. the broken up may be left with a broken heart, but like those of us on the receiving end, it is up to us to mend.

do you feel safe?

Thankyou so much for taking time to reply.

Although I feel he meets a lot of the criteria for bpd I haven't felt a huge amount of devaluing (yet) but have had glimpses of the mask slipping, nothing bad, but an uneasy sense of underlying control. Until an episode recently which has prompted me to make the decision to end it. He's very clever with his words and ability to manipulate me.

I have history of being in controlling and emotionally abusive relationships and I'm seeing the pattern where each incident seems less severe as it is becoming the norm for these occurrences to happen if that makes sense.

I do feel safe in that I don't think he'll harm me, but he wants to meet to discuss the break in person. I don't feel strong enough to do this as I know he'll try and convince me to stay, and I don't have strong boundaries. My thoughts are to write it in a letter to try and give him some clarity and closure. I feel I need to be careful and sensitive however to avoid further triggering his deep rooted abandonment issues. And I don't know if pointing out my whys will be taken as a personal attack.
He seems to need reasons, but my reasons are hurting him.

Should I meet him? Or is sending a letter the right thing to do. Would it be better to make it about my feelings rather than bringing up the things that have happened as he sees them as an attack on his personality?
We are also in the same circles so it's inevitable that our paths will cross and I want to make this as amicable as possible, can that even happen?

It's normal - admirable - to want to find an amicable / mutually respectful understanding.

But that's typically not an option when one of the partners suffers from any degree of disordered thinking.

In this case, where you've already accepted that the relationship must end, my suggestion is to prioritize what's right, or necessary, for you.

Sometimes radical acceptance means recognizing what we can change in ourselves - rather than accepting the unacceptable in someone else.

Ask yourself:  Why is it important to you to continue to communicate?  Is it for you, or for him? Maybe both?  How can you translate the answer to this question into some action that works for you?