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I have not seen the ex in over six months. Last time we spoke he demanded all the things he has (compensation for loss time and wages, apologies, one last meeting, acknowledgement that he will end his life because it's my fault, etc.)

He continued to email and leave messages until I closed my account and changed my number. Less than three days after he says I'm the love of his life and that he cannot be with anyone else so he will rot in his apartment alone he is on a dating website.

How do I know this? He sent my friend a message not realizing our small world.

For those of you who have experienced anyone with BPD, you know the drill. They play the part, they lie--when flat out asked when the last time he communicated with his ex was he answers "last year." He flat out lied that he doesn't smoke, he flat out lied that he has never asked anyone for marriage, within a 15 minute exchange he told 13 lies.

I feel so angry with myself. I had believed all his threats to end his life. I had believed that he loved me. I made so many sacrifices in service of his insecurities, financial woes, believing that he was in the least being honest.

How do I get over this? I am livid. I've been played and had and I cannot trust anyone anymore.

Why did he target you?

Hi Getoverit,


You ask a good question.   

I don't think any of us were prepared to be in a relationship with a mentally ill person.   with a person whose reality is tenuous, transitory, impermanent.    most of us thought we were having a relationship where we understood how things were going, where there were 'rules' of how people behaved, where we could count on some things to be stable and secure.  except there is no real stability in the relationships we found ourselves in.


For me, coming out of the other side of one these highly charged, highly intense, emotionally chaotic relationships was like recovering from a broken leg.    I needed to allow and encourage healing.   I was in close proximity to a deeply disturbed individual for a long time and just like a broken leg,  my emotions were all over the map for a while.    I needed to protect my emotions from exposure to more chaos.   I found that even small amounts of stress churned me up, more than it used too.   I think it's perfectly natural to be all over the map.   


For me, doing the emotional work of rebuilding my self esteem and sense of security was like having a part time job for a while.   or like training for a run.    I needed a plan... .I needed goals.   At first seemed odd to look at the emotional/mental side of my life as if it was a 5k race and say "I want to run 5k in 25 minutes"   and "I want to feel emotional secure when I think of my romantic life."


what do you think?

'ducks

Was this message sent through a dating website Getoverit?  I can imagine that would be really painful to hear about and to have evidence of the lies he told will no doubt have brought up a great deal for you.  That's really hard. 


I hear you.  I felt similarly when I heard my ex was with another woman only weeks after we split up.  I was 'the only woman he ever loved' and 'he would never get over me'.  I felt deeply insulted, having endured so much from this man and sacrificed more than I ever should have.  His destructive actions caused immeasurable impact upon myself and my S4, whose whole life was turned upside down.  Yet I still loved this man, my abuser.  I felt foolish, angry, betrayed and used. 

Getoverit, I can't tell you exactly how you will get over this, but I can tell you that you will.  These things are sent to try us and there is a positive in there somewhere, you just don't see it yet and probably won't for some time.  What I can tell you is that the experience of feeling that way was the fuel for me to ensure that I moved forward stronger and better than ever before and would make my life the life I deserve. 

If anything, that was the final straw for me which sealed the deal that I would never ever look back or go there again.  Find strength in the pain and disillusionment.  You are a good, kind, loving person who has much to offer someone who can reciprocate and appreciate all that you are.  Some day you can look back upon this time and be glad that he gave you every reason to detach and find your true path.  I'm so sorry that you are hurting like this 

Love and light x   

Hi Getoverit,


Many people here can relate with being betrayed it hurts I would want to put up walls too I have with my current gf, she has reminded me a few times that she’s not my ex she is hersel a completely different person and it’s a completely different r/s the r/s that I had with uBPDexw was negative. You need more time behind you not everyone is going to treat you like your ex there are genuine people that won’t take advantage of your good nature.

Hi Getoverit,

Really understand and feel your hurt and pain 

After a 27 year relationship (21 years of marriage) to my exBPD - about two months after he unilaterally walked out of our marriage after a psychotic break - he posted on FB that he had "fallen in love" in a woman twenty-two years younger than me. I believe that they are still in a relationship. 

I literally gave almost the entirety of my life's energy and love to him and I worked so hard to try to save my marriage while it crumbled.  It was such an unspeakable slap in the face and so beyond hurtful to read those words.

You know what though - even through all the pain - it was just so obvious that he simply didn't deserve me just as your ex doesn't deserve you.  Like you I'm trying to work past the hurt and pick up the pieces of my life.  Some days are tougher than others and it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life to try to channel the pain and anger in healthy ways that serve me and keep me moving forward.  Somedays just my hope and belief in karma is all that keeps me going.

I wish you the best in your struggle too. 

Warmly
B