BPDFamily.com

It seems like most of the people on here are trying to recover from a break-up with an undiagnosed exwBPD.  My ex has been diagnosed with BPD (~3 weeks ago) and is in ongoing treatment with a specialist.  The last time I talked to her (a few days after her diagnosis and spending 5 days in hospital) she seemed very self-aware; acknowledging she has BPD and seemingly committed to treatment and recovery.  At the time, I knew nothing of BPD.  Since then I've read a LOT about it and met with my therapist weekly.   I'm getting messages from her every couple days about how she misses me, how I shouldn't "put her in a box" or "see it black and white" (projecting).  Now that I know more about BPD behavior, all her correspondence (to which I haven't responded once) has BPD "written all over it". She has made it apparent to me that my refusal to respond to her is (NC) is "painful".  But then her last message too me was devaluing and downright scathing, even though I haven't responded to her in 3 weeks.   3 weeks ago, before I knew anything about BPD, I would have dived right in and supported her in her treatment and hopeful recovery.    I realize there's no way she has "recovered" and, as I said, her messages are definitely not coming from a person as centered and self aware as the person I saw just out of 5 days of inpatient treatment.  I'm not accustomed to making things "about me".  Generally speaking, should the NC approach be reconsidered if someone is in treatment?  I ask because, obviously, I am feeling guilty.

My ex is very self-aware and knows she has BPD. Doesn't make a damned bit of difference in her behaviors.

Thanks, mosaicbird.   I think that's exactly what I needed to hear.  Not that everyone acts the same (or the world would be right boring), but having learned what I have about BPD people over the last few weeks, it seems they exhibit some pretty consistent and predictable behavior patterns.  As I said, my ex has been diagnosed and I absolutely believe she suffers from BPD.  I have 2 instincts: 1) Protect myself- because of what I've learned about who she currently is and the danger that represents to me if I so much as respond to an email.  2) Support her recovery- because supporting her is what I'm used to doing, because of guilt, and because part of me wants her to "get better and come back".  I'm getting the feeling I have to choose between 1 of those 2 instincts because both can't be done.  I KNOW I should choose #1, but it's not easy because I FEEL I should choose #2.  If it weren't for this board, I'd be neck deep in option #2 by now.  

sunrising

I don't know if it's possible, but maybe you could ask her therapist.  It's possible that staying NC could be beneficial to her and her therapy and therefore alleviate your guilt. 

I thought of that, but I figure  her therapist has already told her she needs NC with me.  Maybe someone on here who's familiar with general BPD therapy strategies could confirm the likelihood of this?   I also kind of doubt she's being completely honest with her therapist about her attempts to contact me (shame).  On top of that, I have no idea who her therapist is.  We went to relationship counseling for ~8 months before the split and our therapist told me she was absolutely aware my ex has BPD.  My ex was hospitalized out of state for 5 days, officially diagnosed with BPD, and then referred to a BPD specialist back in the state we live in.  Since we split and she moved out right after she was released from the hospital, I only know (from her telling me in our last conversation) that she's seeing a BPD specialist; I don't know who it is, etc.  I also highly doubt her therapist would speak with me even if I did know who it is.  I'm pretty sure that's completely unethical and probably illegal.   I would be curious to know, from anyone here who is familiar with the basic therapy approaches, if it's likely her therapist has told her she needs NC with me as well.  I do have a good relationship wit her best friend, who is aware of and generally acknowledging her condition.  I could perhaps reach out to her and ask her to remind my ex that she should not be contacting me/ encourage her to stop for her own good. 

It kinda sounds like you think NC is best for her.  If so ... .  why the guilt?   Who would this contact be for?

Says Trouble, who would truly be in the same boat if ex showed up and said he was in therapy.   :)

IF you respond, I would only say "With your recovery over the next few years will come hope for a relationship that will be everything you desire. Take care."

I wouldn't add anything about that future rs being with you.

But that was IF you respond. The danger is that your contact will be detrimental to both of you. I think NC is probably the wisest choice for both of you. But look to your inner source of wisdom and guidance for the best answer.

hi sunrising,

I am struggling with a similar situation although it sounds like you are handling it a bit better than I am. I don't know much about the therapy, but I did read somewhere on here that a BPD relationship is like a progressive disease, such as alcoholism. So even if an alcoholic has been sober for years, when they start drinking again, they are immediately back at the intense level where they left off.

My experience since discovering my BPDex is in therapy has shown this to be true. I went from NC to LC. At first she was very upfront, she took responsibility, apologized, and in general said all the right things. But in a matter of a week things changed and it became my fault again. I think this is why a therapist would say NC is best for both parties. Until she is fully healed, there is little hope to heal the rs. And by the time she is fully healed, I assume we will both have moved on.

Why are you NC for you?  Let's focus on what you want for a minute before even worrying about her - she is in treatment, she will need more than a few weeks to learn how to change her behavior patterns.

I am in NC for me because I've read all over this and other BPD sites and other resources, and also been told my therapist, that I should go NC.  I also fully realize that anything I say to her is likely to be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. I'm exhausted with feeling that way, as I did even in the relationship.   Like I suspect is the case with many in this situation, I feel a little guilt because I'm used to focusing more on her needs than my own. But mostly, I still long for her.  I will say, though, the longing today is weaker than it's been in 3 weeks.  I just ate a WHOLE burrito.  I haven't eaten a "whole" anything in 3 weeks.  As I said in another post last week, I'm going with NC primarily because, rationally, I know it's best for me (and her).  I'm hoping I soon get to the point that I prefer it emotionally and am doing it for myself, not just because I "know I should".  

sunrising

Being emotionally mature means acting the way we "should" even if it goes against our feelings.  Don't be hard on yourself for acting responsible.

Facts are - if you want to be past this and you do not want to be her support for treatment, then stay away - for both of your sake.  It is that simple right now.

Let yourself heal - good job eating - this really is progress!

Thank you, seeking balance... .     I was acting out your "handle" and you helped me find it.