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I just sent this to my mother after a few weeks of her sending abuse on how I’ve bullied and victimised her all my life...


Mum,

This cycle has to stop as its been the same cycle since I can remember and its extremely damaging to all involved. Two of your children don’t speak to you and this is on the brink with me.

We have had a rocky relationship since I can remember and I will not ignore or forget that. No, this does not mean I am living in the past but yes this does have an effect on any current/future relationship, especially as it has been similar issues that are on going. I have said before we will not have this type of relationship you are trying to force on me for this reason. This doesn’t mean we can’t have one at all, but there will be boundaries.

You are my mother, not my partner not my best friend. I have politely asked you on several occasions to respect some boundaries, to stop messaging me so much and to stop asking for information on others. I am entitled to do this – you are not automatically granted an all access pass to my life and your constant messaging and expecting instant replies is extremely suffocating, and would be for anyone, let alone someone with our past history. I have assured you many times that this doesn’t mean I don’t want to speak to you, however this is the boundaries I need to set. If you do not accept I am putting my mental health before anything and anyone, I would question why you want a relationship with me in the first place.

Perhaps you don’t realise but the things that happened growing up and honestly, still on going with you, for example the hurtful messages you send and feeling of walking on eggshells give me extreme anxiety and I can’t eat or sleep, so if we are to have a relationship from now it will be on my terms, or not at all. That decision is yours.

You booked this holiday because you wanted to – actually saying it is because you want to see the Gold Coast, and you would spend a week in Melbourne. So do not try and guilt me by saying I’ve ruined your holiday.

The reaction about the car was frustration over you not respecting any boundaries with me, having asked you to stop this constant messaging, making accusations and having to explain over and over that I do not have time to call you everytime you demand it. When you go on these rants about what a horrendous person I am, why do you think this would make me want to call you? Please show me any instance that I have spoken to you in such a way and personally attacked you?

I have asked you repeatedly to leave J alone, leave M alone – actually concerned also for your own health, and you directly go and ignore their wishes and mine.

I strongly suggest you speak to someone about BPD as I have suspected for many years this is what you need. And I think that if you had some help with this then it would make our relationship easier and you happier.

I will not put myself through this cycle anymore with you as it is extremely damaging to my health and clearly also to yours.

This email is sent with care and only for a positive outcome with you, as at the moment this is a negative relationship for us both. I would recommend not responding to me if its going to be more of the same and not actually considering what I have said, as I will not read it.




Now we wait

I really hope it brings you the result you are hoping for.

Thinking of you, and hoping you have some time for self-care.

Keep us posted. :hug:

Thank you! I already feel sick about the outcome. I may need this group to help me deal with the response...

Just an update.

I didn’t hear from my mother for 3 days. Not a peep. This was worse than the expected rage as I had to call around to make sure she hasn’t hurt herself.

Finally the emails came and I was hopeful.

They started out saying she is sorry she had upset me. She left me voice messages too which started calm and hopeful.

This progressed to her saying that the only mental problem she has is severe depression from how her children have treated her for 20 years (since I was 10). And I am the one who has caused this problem and I have to fix it. She continues to blame us for everything even when we were children. She refuses to acknowledge she did anything wrong.

I also noticed her timing was SO off, she says multiple times she’s been rebuilding our relationship for 6 years however we have only been speaking for 18months - 2 years.

I feel like she has cemented my thoughts that she will never change.
My sister and I both saw her last year and both said she was changing and was easier to get on with. But she has now said to me that she held her tounge for so long trying to keep the peace. So her views have not changed at all!

I’m sad but also relieved.

Unfortunately she is currently in my country - landed today for a holiday. I’m worried she will turn up at my door.

Sounds "textbook" to me.  Blaming others for her depression, and demanding others fix the problem.

Don't tell her this though, because it will lead to an epic war of words, and won't solve anything.  She will NEVER "get it".  The conflict would surely leave you distressed.


So I've kind of put myself in your position, and I can feel edginess...

Trust your gut.  If you open your door to her, don't be afraid to set boundaries (physical, verbal, emotional) when and if you need to.  Use tools to de-escalate.   Don't get sucked into WWIII.  Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain).  

Or, maybe your schedule just doesn't permit much, if any visiting time.  

On the other hand, she could well pretend nothing happened, and if that happens...take it as a gift and run with it? So many "if's".  Good luck.  Keep us posted.

I kindly replied to my mum saying I don’t think a relationship is possible for us right now if that was her thoughts on me.

Her response is that she will come to my house to collect the money she has ever spent on me and will take my car.

As well as a whole heap of abuse I’m trying to ignore.

I’m at a loss here. Do I get the police involved. I live next door to the station.
I feel like I want to move out for the time she is here but I can’t leave my partner to deal with her coming round.
I will too scared to leave as she will sit out my house and wait for me!

Hi SunnyVale! Congrats to you for having the courage to be honest with yourself and your mom. I am nowhere near brave enough to send that kind of letter yet. A couple questions to help understand the situation better:
Is there any legal or practical way she can actually take your car?
If she can/does, can you and your family get by without it?
My assumption is that she is there on a tourist visa, and that you are there on a work visa. Is that right?
What is the worst thing that you can imagine or predict happening if she does actually show up at your house?
What do you think SHE means by taking back all the money she spent?

Thank you ChoosingHope.
I almost regret opening this can of worms as it’s easier to just play along and play nice, although I know the internal damage that does.

She cannot legally take my car no, it would be theft and I would treat it as such.

I was receiving these messages at 1am and probably wasn’t thinking completely rationally out of fear, but I don’t think she would hurt me in person anymore.

She has since sent me several messages about her thinking she has PTSD (from how we have apparently treated her as children...) and that her and I should go to therapy together while she is here and she thinks I and my siblings have a mental disorder...(I have a very happy balanced life with a partner and friends and very healthy relationships and as much as my sister and I have always said “what if we do too and don’t realise!”, we have analysed each other and ourselves to make sure this isn’t true - and I think even the awareness of that says a lot)

My grandma (her mum, enabler) has urged me to go for lunch/dinner with her while she is here and pretend nothing happened and just be nice because she is here on her own etc. I’m swaying to doing this but I know this is the slippery slope of just all going back to how it was :(

It really sounds like your mom is spoiling for a fight.  Remember it's the disease.  You won't win a fight against that disease, so I would do whatever to de-escalate, if you decide to spend time with her.


So if she shows up at your door, I think your grandma has a point, because if you had a coffee in a public place (a safer place than your home), she is likely going to behave (with other people being around).  If she's BPD, she is capable of pretending nothing happened (sounds like your grandma has experience in that department).  My mom did this all the time (pretend nothing happened) after creating chaos and hurt in my life.  And then she would also claim she didn't remember some of the hurtful things she used to say and do.  Your mom is much more likely to start spewing barbs and creating conflict if she has you alone.  So IF you see her, one strategy to cope would be to arrange to always have your partner with you, or a friend for support (and safety).  


This sounds like projection.  She is projecting back at you, what she herself will never be able to face about herself.  It's strange I know.  Based on my experience with my mom, I wouldn't even try reasoning or discussing this while she is in your country.  It is likely to blow up.  She will like a good fight, you will likely become more distressed.  Others on this board might have very different ideas and advice.  But I think it's better to tackle that problem (if you want to) when you are home in HER country.



Not sure what you mean by this.  Writing the letter, or...?

Don't give her the keys to your car, and don't let her see where you keep them.  

Best wishes,
 :hug:

Yes I mean I should have just played nice until after her visit.

She is not back down and I’m awaiting another load of abuse because I said counselling together would not be what we need, rather we need to go separately. She is still sending message after message and I don’t see an end to this.

The more I am trying to be nice to her (my replies are very calm and factual and caring) the more angry she is getting.

The projection - absolutely she is, everything she accuses me of and the type of person she accuses me of being is HER through and through. I’m actually shocked at some of the things she has said this week. That I have ruined everyone’s life I’ve ever been with (ex’s who I am friends with still) and that everyone thinks I’m a user and abuser. That I’ve ruined her whole life since I was 10. It’s actually crazy but is really getting to me, even though I know it’s not true.

I am on the verge of a breakdown here. I’m struggling to eat and sleep.

I just don’t know what to do as i can’t make it right.

Hi Sunnyvale
My Advice stop replying to her, literally anything you say at this point, she wins. Every time you reply she wins by keeping you in the fight and dragging you back in. This is gonna sound really mean, but there is an odd satisfaction in not replying and watching them squirm because they can't get a reaction from you.

I have used this with my mom many times, because of this disease you can't rationalize with her.

It's like a toddler throwing a tantrum, you don't give them what they want. You ignore them so they understand that this is not going to produce the results they are wanting.

SS

I think you’re right sepiascarf.

My last nice message was met with simply ‘goodbye’ from her but also a message from her ‘friend’ saying I am to blame if anything happens to my mother and we are disgusting people (siblings) who have no respect and need to grow up and would have been disowned 20 years ago if it was him. Etc etc. Written just as my mum writes. I don’t know who this friend is that’s allowing her to send messages from his account.

Point is there is no way to get around this. This is all because I told her I need to set boundaries for my own well-being.

This is not a mother. I think I have to give up on helping her. I am quite sure she will harm herself though...

 

So this is not a message from a healthy person.  Well adjusted people do not write or speak like this.  They have better ways for dealing with their feelings.  When I read this, I think it must be coming from a person who is themselves sick or hurting.

As much as reading it in your inbox must have been a trigger, remind yourself that this is coming from someone who isn't well.  Try to distance yourself from it emotionally, and not take it personally.  Something to work on...


Aha!   We have to learn to stop "rescuing" our mothers.  It doesn't work, and the "rescuing" just feeds into the drama.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle


Well, if she threatens to harm herself, you could calmly say something like
"Gee mom, it sounds like you are _________(depressed, angry, distressed).  I can see/hear you aren't feeling well.  Should I call an ambulance, or take you to the hospital?"

I have very distorted view on what’s normal and not from someone - she has been like this my whole life and I always make excuses for her behaviour and have to remind myself I am not to blame - it’s very hard to get out of this thinking as I’m sure most people here know.

I have booked to see a psychologist this week. I hope it will help me understand more or at least cope with my guilt and confusion. If nothing else just someone to tell me what I have done is enough and reassure me I could not have prevented her behaviour... we will see what she says. 

My partner wants me to talk to his mum about it all (I don’t like anyone knowing this stuff). His mum is lovely, has had her own issues in life regarding her dad and has also worked in mental health as a nurse. Do you think it’s a good idea to talk to someone and involve them?

Hi SunnyVale

I would be cautious with this.  How long have you been dating him?

For a year and half. We are pretty serious, live together etc.

I’m still against talking to his mum, partly because I don’t think it’s easy to understand, plus she’s a mother so will view it from that experience,  and i am untrusting if mother’s in general I have realised. Also because I am ashamed...

After my terrible experience with a psychologist yesterday I don’t think I want to speak to anyone anyway! But I’m about ready to implode. Today is my mums birthday.

I feel very much that wanting to implode. You are stressed to the guilds.

I didn’t talk to my mother on her 60th bday this year and she did not acknowledge mine. Holidays make everything more intense.

Have you spoken with her today?

Could the emailing that has left you feeling drained and angry beyond belief , be the catalyst for the space you were seeking in the first place.
Like a period of No Contact so that you can take YOU TIME.
If you end the replying you could signal that your lines have been crossed and you won’t play the game.

I’m sorry about the outcome of the apt today but don’t give up. Emotions are high. Keep posting and venting we are all here with you.

Hi.  If you don't feel comfortable talking with his mom then don't.   :hug:  The only thing that concerns me is when you say you feel ashamed and that your experience with the T you saw turned you off talking about it.  I understand not wanting to talk and I can relate to feeling ashamed.


The thing is, shame can be crippling.  So can guilt.  Especially when here is toxic shame and guilt that speaks to you about who you are as a person and what you are worthy of.  The best way I know of to work through the shame is to talk with *safe* and reliable people, to get those shameful experiences and feelings out in the open.  The best disinfectant for shame is sunlight.

We do need to be cautious in who we talk with about this stuff though.  I have worked through a lot of my shame right here on the boards by posting about things I never spoke of and having people here respond to me with empathy, compassion and yeah, sometimes some hard truth but it was always delivered with skill and a  genuine  desire to help. 

To get to the point where I could talk here I first had to take tiny steps and share bits and sort of test the waters.   I had to see what sort of reaction I got.  For me, the worst possible sort of feedback would be the over sympathetic over identifying and over validating responses.  Other people may thrive on that.  My point is we are each different and we can see what happens when we share.  I think I said in your thread about your T session that it was not a failure, it gave you really good info, namely that she would not be a good match for you.  The very best T I have had was a post doc fellow who was more into research but took me on and he was closely supervised.  We learned and grew together. 

So I do have a point here... somewhere.  :)  Basically, finding a T and finding someone you can talk with will take time.  And it should take time.  We will have to test the waters and also gauge our own reactions as we share bits, and then more gradually over time.  Nobody starts off on the very high diving boards do they?   

Talk with us.   :hug: