BPDFamily.com

I was told by one of my husbands past therapists (and most recent) that she believed he experiences dissociation.  He always says he has a terrible memory.  I'm starting to wonder because while I know he will create conflict to avoid intimacy and if I'm hurt he will hide... .it's just too coldblooded to TRULY bury every detail of our last exchange and play dumb.  Isn't it?  I know... .they can be incredibly cold.  Sometimes I wonder though if he really does just "checkout".  We had three major events in 24 hours.  Do they conveniently "forget"?  He has said his memory is terrible but this is ridiculous.  For crying-out-loud, the last few texts I've sent before me not responding to his lame attempts are pretty clear-cut if he really wanted to "remember".  I think I shy'd away from joining forums like this because I was afraid of the truth.   :'(

P.S.  Has anyone ever tested them by pretending it didn't happen either?  To see if they "care enough" to bring up how much they hurt you?  I've done it many times.  He rides it like a wave!  Surf's up! 

Hi M2M,

Dissociation is a common coping mechanism used by pwBPD. It is mainly used when a pwBPD cannot cope with their intense feelings/emotions of shame, guilt, anger, self-loathing, sadness, hurt, and pain. Essentially, they shut down, freeze, or "check out."

One time my bf said something that really hurt me. I started crying. He started to "space out" and started texting and watching television. Of course, that upset me even more.  It really seemed that he was cold or indifferent to my feelings. 

During one of his more moments of self awareness, I asked him why he spaced out that day. He told me that he could not handle me crying because, he already felt so guilty and ashamed for what he said. He did not know how to cope with my feelings and his. It was too much for him. He shuts down and loses sense of reality when things become too difficult to handle. 

My dBPDh doesn't disassociate but I have seen it happen in others and it is very scary.  I have a good friend that just started EMDR for this.  It really seems to help her.

Thank you EaglesJuju.  That really helps and it makes so much sense.  

I asked my husband at lunch few weeks ago how he could just move on from a subject that was so intense and important regarding our marriage.  He simply said "I don't like to feel bad".  I kind of freaked out inside that day.  I thought, great... .I'm married to a psychopath.  Though I'm learning that male BPD and Female aren't the same and males tend to have different if not a few more traits?  

I see a lot of empathy for them on here (and I read too late we aren't suppose to make them out to be villians... .oops.) and I DID and I do have empathy but not as much as I use to have.  I wrecked my own life trying to figure him out and "help" him.  Co-dependency at it's best.  

It seems easier to make him out to be the villain but I see it gets me nowhere.  Are we suppose to stay strong in holding them accountable?  I understand he is drowning in guilt and he says all the time he doesn't know how to help the situation.  If the definition of insanity is repeating same thing expecting different result, I'm NUTS.   Seriously, I feel like I've tried every angle and technique under the sun to help him express himself but the longer we are together... .the harder he pushes and the more angry he gets.  If I support or empathize he runs right over me.  He knows I'm afraid of him emotionally.  Is that power they take and use like a narcissist?  I do believe he is an emotional vampire.  If he manages to break me and make me cry or yell... .he immediately calms down.  It's so scary!

  MissyM... .what is EMDR?

What I'm sensing from your posts is that you are very overwhelmed, and not quite sure what to do. I hope you find comfort knowing we are all here, we understand and we support you :)

You will see a lot of empathy on this board because we are trying to understand it ourselves. Having empathy doesn't mean they get a 'free pass', but understanding WHERE it's coming from helps US handle situations better and helps us communicate better.

It sounds like you have been dealing with by yourself without even knowing what's going on. That must have been really hard  How long have you been together?

We as people get the most frustrated when we expect something and it doesn't happen. I'm reading that you are wanting him to express his feelings more, but it's causing him to dig in further.  This is common BPD behavior, and it's also pretty difficult for them to do, since they don't even know how they feel or why they feel most of the time.

Have you had a chance to read any of the tools on this site? There are some great communication tools that can help bridge that communication gap.

He's isn't a psychopath. He's emotionally immature and calibrated differently.

My wife said early on in our relationship after a dysrgulation (didn't know about BPD at the time) was that "she is almost outside of her body and is thinking, "Just stop", but can't." in her words.  After she dysregulates and we haven't spoken for a week or so, there will be conversations she doesn't remember having.  She will try and tell me a story, I'll let her finish and say, "Yeah, I remember you telling me about that.  How did that turn out?".  I at least try and not make her feel bad or bad about herself.  It is hard though and the only way they can deal... .