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Hello,

My upbdh went to a training yesterday about "Crucial Conversations" and "Crucial Conversations". Has anyone ever heard about this book, and if so, has it been helpful, or will its ides conflict with what I am learning here and from other BPD books (like SWOE and THCC)?

Here's a little background. My uBPDh is pretty high functioning. About two and a half years ago he got a new job that helped him learn a bunch of stuff (through trainings). For one, he realized that he has General Anxiety Disorder and is bulimic, and most of his "issues" stem from that. That is many of his triggers for dysregulation come from the anxiety. He still is convinced that meds would not be a good idea for him though. Maybe he is right about that, but at least he recognizes something. I was very grateful that he accepted some of that training as truth. He seemed to be pretty excited about this training as well (after he got there and it started, that is... .  he was whining and griping about how he was scared about it before that, and did not even want to go).  So I am kind of leery about how he is going to take it. So far what he has said sounded okay, but he was ambiguous about some other things, but brought home the book to read...

What I do not like about it is when he said, "it is how to make other people to feel the way you want them to." Which to me sends up a HUGE red flag. And I am not sure if that is how he is interpreting it, or if that is actually what they are teaching... .  and how is this going to interefere with me stetting up boundaries and limits... .  because I really dislike it when he already tries to make me feel like he does... .  because he is a highly negative guy... .  and I like to look for the lighter side of things... I don't want negativity crammed down my (or my kids' throats through this "new idea".

I am going to read the book so that I know what I am up against, but I wanted to know if anyone had any experience with this?

Thanks,

Sunshine40

I have not read this book.

I doubt very much that any responsible kind of employer-provided training is really about "how to make other people feel the way you want them to." I suspect this is his (current) impression of it. There's no need for you to try to argue him out of that view ... .  and maybe over time he will absorb some of what it is actually about :)

Sunshine40:

I have the book, have read it and discussed it, and it definitely does not instruct on how to make others feel the way you want them to!

Instead it is how to bring up difficult topics in a way that doesn't upset people/or in a way that helps you work through difficult emotions if needed. So for example, how to confront a boss who is overpowering in a way that doesn't automatically put the person on the defensive or in a way that you can deal with fears of getting fired for bringing up a difficult topic. I think it is a guidebook for dealing with insensitive people or people who act like they don't much care about other people's feelings. It is for people who are upset about some interaction, tend to avoid conflict (as most do) and need guidance on how to bring up their issues.

It is a "nice" book overall. He brought it home so you should be able to check it out for yourself. Good luck!

Tea

I took the training and read the book. I thought it was a good training. Not really about trying to get people to feel what you do. From what I remember there are some talk about making conversations win-win (they use another phrase like "the pool of shared meaning" or something a bit cheesy).

Some of the tools are similar to what you would find in Stop Walking on Eggshells. I remember the "Start with Heart" chapter talks about staying focused on what you really want. Same with a conversation with a pwBPD, you want to manage the conversation and focus on what the topic at hand.

Another point I remember from this is the Silence or Violence. These are the two choices people make when in a crucial conversation. Basically it is fight or flight syndrome, but they added a few things like withdrawing or attacking.

I wonder if a pwBPD takes this course if they will be better at arguing with you or more in control? Problem is, they don't need any help with the arguing, they do that great already!

Just a quick thought it sounds to me that he viewed the training through the eyes of BPD (something that he will always do)  if he is higher functioning then it may be a positive outcome as he understands that he isn't communicating in the manner that he intends.

Stay positive

DD