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Why does he always have to spoil things?  We are suppose to be going out tonight but I said something, god know what to upset him and he has stropped off.  I have no idea where, probably the pub.  I'm going to have a fantastic new years eve, not!

He has been shouting and swearing at me, he makes me so miserable, why do I stay?

Hi Sadsue... .I'm sorry to hear you have been on the receiving end of that nasty behavior ... .

Do you have options for an alternative night out?... .friends or family you can spend time with who won't treat you this way? It may not be what you had initially planned... .but it will be stable!

That's what they do... .They spoil things... .

Nothing can be peaceful for long... .

It's irritating beyond belief... .

How do you handle these episodes?

I make things worse... .Pent up resentment comes out... .Nasty things are said to an extreme... .Then I look like the jerk.

I'll be home alone tonight but I knew that a week ago when I kicked him out... .

I'm sorry this just hapenned to you today when you had plans... .

If you do end up home alone like many of us here... .Just remember its just another day ( that's how I got through Thanks Giving all by my self... .

Glad the holidays are over!

Hi I don't respond well, even though I have had lots of practice.  

I either try and fix him, try to cuddle him etc etc, which he doesn't want or I go into the "I deserve better than this" mode. 

I feel your partner should be the one person in the world you can rely on and who will always be there for you and it hurts me beyond belief to hear and see how nasty he can be to me. 

I can't understand how he can treat me like this when he is suppose to love me.

Totally stinky situation, we probably have all been there.  Can you do something else? Preferably out of the house so that when he stumbles in you aren't just sitting there waiting?  Or if you are there can you be engaged in something and look content?  Even if you aren't!  He's probably waiting for you to react, he wants to see that he ruined your day, made you cry, etc. 

Your kiddos are out of the house?  So perfect opportunity to show him life goes on without him.  This is a good lesson for him!

And yes, our partners shouldn't do this to us, of course.  But normal rules don't apply here.  The best thing, I have learned, is to stop reacting. This will give him pause and he won't quite know what to do. There may be some escalation, so be prepared. 

But... .  and I know in the thick of it, this is really gonna sound annoying, but do something you want to do, for you, and try not to think of him.  Happy New Year, nonetheless, and may it be better to all of us!

As round 4 or 5 of my recycled romance begins with me also spending New Years alone   …reading such lucid banter from female ‘nons’ does make me wonder where I’ve gone wrong…  My uBPDgf spent so much energy on family and friends the last couple of days that she just didn’t have enough left to spend this evening next to the fire at my place in the country, as we’d planned…  Just got a text that she’s going to bed, and I actually believe her, but as I’m on my second beer, alone – and obviously reading this forum …yah, where are you wonderful nons hiding and how is it I fell for …my little BPD instead of a healthy ‘girl’... ?

I honestly doubt the co-depend scenario fits me … and is likely the cause of much of our friction, in that I do and have drawn the line on her most egregious behavior, which in her eyes either makes me ‘ready to move on’ or ‘boring.’  Personally – I’m ready to lock-on to a normal woman …as I suspect, no matter how hard I try, this go-round with uBPDgf will end up a further waste of my life energy. 

What pull do they have on us?  Mine had texted me tonight (as we live apart) that she’s working up a ‘Honey Do’ list for tomorrow.  And though I was basically ignored ‘tonight’ …there I’ll likely be tomorrow - working around her house …with no expectation of any ‘payoff.’  Just me being all responsible, again… 

There are so many broken hearted folks around here, often including myself…  Yes, we know ‘Where The Wild Things Go,’ but where do the tame ones hang out... ?

Hi SadSue!

Sorry it was a tough night for you!

Your question to yourself could be a motivation for you, "why do I stay"?

That might be a good place to start your own recovery, as it was mine! It was the start of many questions that has lead me to a place of understanding, empathy, forgiveness and a new ability to take care of myself, set goals for myself, and stop being stuck in a very bad place.

What can you do from here?

Best Wishes,

Val78

I was wondering this same thing. I read some things that the men on here write and I just am in awe.  It does seem like a cruel twist of fate sometimes. If I am honest, looking back, if I would have met a "tame" one, I probably wouldn't have been that interested.  But now, 10 + years later, the thought of a "tame" one is appealing.  I think I have grown up a lot and just want and need different things in life. 

I think this forum is a healthy way for us to get some healthy validation from the opposite sex and from the same sex.  It sure beats running out and forming other "unhealthy" attachments.

Best of luck and may 2013 be better for all of us!