BPDFamily.com

Ok, Lemme get the bad out of the way. I've been advising hubby to reduce contact to email and a set time at night for her investigative nightly phone calls. He's getting close. Because of how bad things are imploding at her place, we don't want to leave the kids "alone" when they're gone. Some major accusations came out and we're now having to prepare (how the heck does one PREPARE?) for false accusations from the police. That's what is being threatened at her house to control the kids.

THE GOOD!

We've started making a much bigger deal out of validating how the children feel. Focus on letting them know they're safe and loved even in the midst of some scary stories. The effect on the children is dramatic. Less fighting. Less whining. Less acting out. Lots and lots of sweet and loving gestures of their own design and timing.

I know this isn't a breeze from here. I know there will be many more tests. But I am so grateful for the advice and support here. I feel like I'm filling my tool belt that's been woefully empty. Big thanks to LivedNLearned and everyone who is sharing advice.

I think you will find that as your toolbox gets better things will improve. Validating kids, or anyone for the matter, goes a long way.

When my ex first left in 2007 the kids would be a mess for at least 45 minutes after I picked them up. Sometimes it would take an hour or two. They have gotten older and handle things better and I rarely see the transition chaos like before.

That's great to hear! I was so surprised how fast it worked in my own situation too. If your kids are hearing lies and false accusations, and if you feel like it's appropriate, one thing you can do after validating their feelings is asking them if they believe the things they're hearing are true.

I wasted a lot of time worrying about S13 believing the lies his dad told him. But after reading and learning about validation, and asking questions (this helps kids with a BPD parent learn to trust what they know to be true somewhere inside them), I realized that S13 is, and has always been, incredibly perceptive.

I often just let the question hang. Meaning, I would ask, and S13 would answer. I didn't always give my opinion because I wanted S13 to have a few moments in the sun. For some allegations, it's appropriate to set the record straight, although I'm learning that it's also ok to wait a bit before circling back.

Hi Crayfog

So glad to hear about the validation, great job... .such a supportive thing for the kiddos  |iiii 

Keep working your way to that email communication it really does help.

I encourage you to keep coming here with your questions and concerns, getting advice from as many perspectives as you can is really helpful.  You'll be reading a thread and just sitting there is a wonderful little gem that it seems someone put there just for you. I find them all the time :)

Livedandlearned, the open ended question thing seems to give them a place to find their voice. Something that's foreign to them from a motherly figure. Our daughter opened up to me about some trauma from a few weeks ago (she got so angry at her mom that she hit her) and while I panicked inside I just asked her how it all made her feel. Told her I didn't think she was crazy. And later she said that sometimes she likes to pretend that I'm her mom instead.

Heart breaking. So loving. Bitter sweet.

But she tells me way more when I just ask her how things made her feel. I will guide to a point and help her see if it felt wrong so she can find her own moral compass. There was one lie about past violence (that her mom brought up to paint dad black) we absolutely had to set straight.

It's like walking a tight rope. Only there's seveeal more lives than mine at stake.

Thank you Panda, this truly is a wealth of information. A few weeks before finding this forum I felt so lost and alone and Crazy.

David that's so heartening! Our transitions have gotten better, it's our conflict with the uBPDex that we have the most trouble with. But it will continue to get better even if it's one step forward two steps back.

Detaching emotionally and not feeding the disorder is the key. You will see extinction bursts during this time but they do lessen. It's been seven years now and I never thought things would get as good as they have gotten for our boys and me. I communicate through email only. I never respond to anything that does not pertain to the boys. If I don't think I need to respond, even if it is about the boys, I let that go too. That takes practice.