BPDFamily.com

After our b/u, my uBPDexgf wrote me a text which included that line:

"sorry you couldn't handle my scars"

She said this partially because things about her past (cheating and promiscuity) that she lied about and I found about later really bothered me.  I don't date past or present strumpets, sorry.  Just how I roll.

But, I mainly left due to her present behaviors.

However, her quote above is very BPD, I think.

It casts me as not being strong enough to handle her past and the little residue in the future.

A better "apology" would have been:

"I'm sorry how I behaved drove you away"

Anyways, just wanted to get that off my chest.  Thanks.

It's hard to hear and process such a "non apology".  I heard the same kinds of "non apologies" over 3+ years with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Fourteen months ago when I finally closed the door on the r/s, while doing the final exchange of belongings she said: "I'm sorry my kids and I were too much for you".  Of course, I wanted a real apology for the emotional and then physical abuse that happened but it never came.  I'm now glad she said it because it reinforced why I needed to escape the r/s and move on. 

Yep, just another layer of defensiveness and trying to get to you or rope you back in.

Make contact and kind of apologize but stick a knife in it so that it protects you, kinda gets to him, and maybe causes confusion so that he will contact/pursue you.

I simply responded "that came off as very backhanded".

But I doubt she has the wiring to know what I meant or see it, even if she googled "backhanded".

Throughout the r/s, my friends would ask "is this girl dumb?" and I would respond "no" and then they'd say "oh, she must be crazy then".

My ex apologized. She said "Sorry the last 2 years were hard. I didn't mean to leave this way"

I went through incredible pain, custody battle, bankruptcy. I was a trigger and also triggered her abandonment fears I was still angry and I didn't acknowledge that she was showing empathy and apologized. She didn't validate the hardships having left the marriage and financial responsibilities attached to it. It wasn't fun.

Some members have had less of an apology, I took it for what it is. I understand that she feels shame from her actions and I took the apology with the understanding that this is the best she can do. She also doesn't comprehend the magnitude of the collateral damage due to her lack of impulse control. She lives day by day and doesn't see the bigger picture.

It took me a few months and I had to take a second look. She meant it. I think it helped me with acknowledgement that she did care that she hurt me. I'm content with this. Had I received this shortly after the split, the wounds were still fresh. I have an anxious attachment style and I was also fighting with her demanding she apologizes on my terms.

If that's not one of the most BPD-y things she could have said to you, then I don't know what is.  As if it was your responsibility to handle her mess.  But that's how they work, you exist to save and serve them.  They can't take care of themselves so they need you to do it for them.  And since you left yours, she's blaming you for failing at taking care of her.  Or in BPD terms, you are abandoning and this is her way of blaming you for it. 

I think it also speaks to the lack of respect that these people have for their partners/hosts.  She can't just say "I'm sorry we didn't work out," she's got to work you into the mix and throw the fault back on you. 

I'd take this "apology" as nothing but more but confirmation of what you already know.  She's nuts. 

Sorry, I am still stuck on the fact that you used the word, strumpets.  That's awesome.  Seldom heard, great word!  |iiii

By saying "sorry you couldn't handle my scars"... .is NOT an apology.  It is simply taking responsibility off of herself & her foul behavior and laying blame on you. TOTALLY. It also reeks of playing victim. Their other favorite pastime!  :) That comment is one to just make you run for the door and never look back. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

"Sorry I gave you some scars when I couldn't handle my own."

Mine said something similar. Well, she wrote it in a note on our computer that she "forgot" to erase:

"I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy."

I wonder now if she was really talking about me making her happy? Who knows?

Sounds like something my ex BPD would say

All about them, them, them!

He does say sorry now again for being a jerk and how he treats me etc... But not once have i felt remorse in it. Its like he has to force himself to say it to make me "feel better" and probs makes him feel good.

YES!

That would be an apology AND show self-awareness and a person who was taking responsibility for their part in the situation. Vital for any "working" relationship.

People with BPD have never been fully accepted as people in much any context.  As a result, they tend to want perfect acceptance of themselves, and for people to prove that they will accept them no matter what.  It's a form of overcompensation of a complete and total lack of self-acceptance.  I've heard multiple pwBPD say that they want someone who will accept them no what they could do because no one has ever chosen them as important.  It's extreme, impractical... .and sadly, very accurate.

Yes, my ex is obsessed with total acceptance and unconditional love.  It is part of their black and white thinking.  You either accept everything about me and don't sweat my actions or you don't accept me at all.  It isn't practical, and if they ever find this totally accepting person then good luck to them.  I don't think total acceptance of another and willingness to remain no matter what is healthy in romantic relationships.  It means the other person can literally act anyway they would like.

Playing Devils advocate,  these people grew up with abusers who pretty much acted as they wish to act.  They were often gave unconditional love to abusers to expected that affection no matter how often they starved,  beat or sexual abused them.  In my experience,  their recovery is directly related to how much they recognize such past treatment as a bad AND abnormal experience as opposed to an example of what life just is.

I think total acceptance of a romantic partner is very healthy. In fact it's a necessity in a healthy relationship. If you want to be with a person, you have to be willing to accept who they are, good and bad. But accepting someone for who they are sometimes means accepting that we aren't suited to be in a relationship with them.

I think there is a difference between accepting someone for who they are, and not having personal boundaries or standards in our relationships.

Not all BPD's grew up with "abusers" in the sense you are using it.  Most have serious emotional trauma at a young age. My ex's "emotional" trauma occurred at the age of 5 when her father ran off (taking the family dog as well), to another woman. Emotionally devastating to the mother as well, causing double emotional devastation to a overly sensitive five-year-old.

This is abandonment, not "abuse". ... and this is the core issue that fuels most of BPD's behavior.

Child abuse, which may or may not be in the history of a pwBPD does not need to have occurred.  Suffering from physical and/or sexual abuse as a child is a separate issue and does not always cause BPD... .although, obviously it certainly can be in the history of a pwBPD.