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Each day is a new adventure,

I linked previous post, for background.

It seems I am back to black for her believing I was out with someone, and not being able to read her mind...

This is consistent with her actions when she realizes her actions are causing issues, I believe the TV show, (grey's anatomy) really did speak to her.

Looking for help on how/is it possible to validate her?

So... .what do you need to know before you try to validate... .?


More important... .what do you need to know to avoid invalidating?

Please describe her feelings to us... .

Then describe how you can validate those

We'll help tweak things from there

Its really hard to say, all I can do is speculate as to what her feelings are, because when she is in this state she can not express them.

What I believe is that she was somehow projecting her actions of being with replacement by being angry about her believing I was out with someone else.

That by her watching that tv show and it having so many story lines relating to her actions it stirred up feelings in her that she tries so hard to hold at bay, by her painting me black and having no contact with me.

When I try to talk to her after an episode like this she will be very cold, void of any emotion.  The most I will get out of her is an "OK" or a "Im over it" and then its normally followed with her trying to turn the conversation into a conversation about how she wont have a conversation because it will turn into an argument.  I have been a lot better about not letting this happen, and when she attempts this I will try to end the conversation by reminding her we have not had an argument and that I dont want to have one now, and telling her I hope she will feel like talking about this later and disengaging. The frustrating part of resolving it this way is it is never resolved she will have very little contact with me, put her self 100% into work and probably go out drinking to "not have to think about things/and keep her thoughts of self harm out of her head" and then when she does contact me or respond it will not be about anything relevant to anything, just talk about her day or mine, ignoring all attempts to talk about any of the issues because in her mind she is over it.

It makes me feel like if I had watched the show prior to her calling and being able to have a discussion about it when she was ready it would have had a positive impact.  But I know deep down that, that is her issue and one I have no controll over, but I am not at a point where it makes me feel any better, but I am trying.

I guess the question I keep having is do I persist in trying to have the conversation or jst keep up the small talk until she is ready if ever or I just cant wait anymore.

 

What happens if you ask about her emotions?

Would you say she is "troubled"?  Sometimes if they can't express them... .then trying some generalities like "upset" and "troubled"... .can help.

You can try to validate that.

Can you try out a few sentences of what that would look like. 

It felt kind of clumsy the first few times I tried it.


Anyone else want to join in and propose some ways to validate this.

She really wont talk about emotions, other than to acknowledge she knows that she has a hard time expressing them and she is working on that. She will deny she is crying as the tears run down her face.

In the past I have tried things like,

I know that this is frustrating to you, I do care about you and how this makes you feel,I think it would help if you could help me understand what is going on.

Something like this will normally end the silent treatment, but discussion will then be about anything but was/is causing her to seem upset.

What makes it harder is since she moved out this is 95% by text or on phone.

 

Good first effort... .  |iiii

Try to do this in the SET format... .see what it looks like if you do it that way... .

I am a Gray's Anatomy junkie.  :)

It sounds like your wife is identifying with the Meredith, the main character. Her and her husband have been having a lot of problems and are currently living apart. In last night's episode, Meredith was going to go see her husband but chickened out and couldn't get on the plane. She ended up going to a hotel by herself and spending the weekend watching TV and just being herself. Meredith was telling a friend that she was afraid to go because she couldn't handle it if her husband wasn't happy to see her. She didn't want to spend time fighting. She was asked why she didn't come back instead of spending the weekend alone. She said that she really enjoyed not being a wife or mother or doctor. She got to just be herself. It was very moving. To me, I felt like it was saying that it is important to step away from all of my different roles and get in touch with myself.

One of the problems with Gray's is that it portrays lots of dysfunctional relationships. In some ways, it even glorifies it. In a lot of ways, it sounds like your partner is taking some of her ideas on how to interact with you directly from the show itself.

I know how frustrating it is to be in that cycle where it feels like all you can do is make small talk. Is there a way that you can build on that? Spend some time getting comfortable with both of you making small talk without going there. As time goes on, both of you might get a little more comfortable and then you can gradually try to introduce small things here and there while testing the waters and being prepared to shut things down if it is getting tense or venturing into unhealthy territory.

If you are interested in watching Gray's, you can watch it online. www.abc.go.com/shows/greys-anatomy/episode-guide

Vortex,

Thanks, she is also a gray's junkie and I am almost embarresed to say she got me hooked, so I did watch it last night. She usually calls or texts me to watch at the same time as her and talk about it while its on. I was at mtg last night and she watched it before asking me if I had watched, and then accused me of being out since I hadnt watched it yet.

It was crazy to me that, that story line she could identify with, and the one where the older Dr. and Jacksons mother were talking and she described there relationship and told him he would have to make a decision, and even the part where the female Dr. went to the trailer and the voice was saying how it is scary to let someone know so much about you.  As I was watching i felt like I was watching a commercial for BPD

These are all things we have talked about, especially her fear that she has exposed so much of herself to me, that she has never shared with anyone else.

She has told me and T that she has a hard time being around me because she is emotionally attached and that scares her, I think the combination of all these story lines in her favorite show triggered those emotions, and when she was wanting to talk about it I had not seen the show.

Ive been trying to just use small talk to keep things moving, but at the slightest hint on my part Im trying to talk about issues she totally changes the topic or acts like I didnt say anything about it.

formflier,

thank you to.

I am trying to put a text together now using better SET.

Is there any way that you can use another form of communication? I have found it very difficult to have real communicating using text and email. It is too easy for the other person to analyze every single word and see things that aren't really there.

I agree, I have been trying but she has not agreed to see me since we went to T last wednesday.  Whe talked on phone several times yesterday and things went well, just small talk, texting during my meeting, and then she went from Gray's to me being Black   I asked her if she wanted to meet for lunch today, she said she couldnt, we then talked on phone briefly and thats when I got the "I am over it" and said she was just asking if I had watched show!  Things started going downhill fast, and thats when I asked her if she did feel like talking about it to please call me later.

Please post here... .so others can learn how to put together SET. 

And to validate

Please get out your red pen and grade this for me.

XXXX I am working hard on me and at the same time trying to be respectful of you.

I can see how me not being able to talk about the show when you were wanting to could be upsetting.

Can you help me understand what I could do differently, I want to learn from this and not repeat it in the future.

I have bolded a sentence that sounds a bit dismissive to me. Not sure how to explain it. "could be upsetting". No, it was upsetting. She was looking forward to talking to you and sharing with you but you were not available. She was upset.

(Yes, your reasons for not being able to talk and share are very valid. You had a meeting. It is likely that she is not going to validate that or even hear that. It is likely that her focus will be on her feelings and her experience.)

Are there any suggestions that you could make to do things differently if you are unable to watch and discuss the show with her in the future? Make an offer to watch and discuss it the following day?

Thank you for the feedback.

I tried explaining that I had just got home and would watch it then.  Thats when I was told Well I thought it related to us never f*&^ing mind... .night.

Since all this was done by text it makes it much harder, when she asked if I had watched it I thought she was wanting to watch with me as that is the norm. I had no idea she had already seen it until it was to late.

So far no reply,  I will give it a few hours and try the small talk avenue.