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Title: We broke up, then I slept with her. Help? Post by: Beardface on April 30, 2017, 06:28:13 AM Me and My exBPDgf broke up a few weeks ago. We did still love each over but we both had flaws and we just weren't working together. I begged to maintain a friendship because I didn't like the thought of not knowing how she was progressing in life and therapy.
Over the weekend, we ended up in the same part of the city, with different groups. I thought it was the friend thing to invite her for a drink, she replied in kind, inviting me and my group to the venue she was heading towards. We ended up having a really fun night. We drank a lot, and as our groups dispersed we found ourselves together. Leaving the venue, we ended up kissing (mutually, no one made the move) and we ended up back at her place. I was very drunk, events were playing out in fast forward, but I was resolute that I didn't want to sleep with her. She was drunker and being provocative. I gave in too easily. We started having sex. I stopped it half way through, moved way and fell asleep. Next thing I remember is waking up to her asking me to give her some space in the morning. We talked for hours in the morning and over lunch about the events of the night before, but very little about us sleeping together. I headed home. After weeks of doing well, she is now down. Calling to tell me she hates me and that she going to report me to the authorities. I understand the threats are false but her feelings and depression aren't. I have admitted I cause the events that lead up to this. I know I made a mistake, and I know I was naive to think we could be that close this soon and not have trouble. She was doing great without me and now I feel I've knocked her down again with my actions and she feels attached to me again now. Prior to this, I was hoping for us to get back together at a point down the line, but this event has made me realise that is isn't really want I want or she needs. I want to be there as a friend, always, but we are too flawed and explosive together to maintain any kind of relationship. What can I do to help her get back on track? My feelings towards her are now not in the picture because the only thing of importance is her mental health. Title: Re: We broke up, then I slept with her. Help? Post by: Infern0 on April 30, 2017, 07:36:21 AM You are clearly in the "rescuer" phase of things it's something familiar to myself.
Look, let me give you some advice. She IS an adult you cannot infantalize her, it does not help. TRUST ME on that score. If you want to have contact that's up to you, but BPD it doesn't work in quite the way you probably think right now. She is conscious, she is sentient, she has the ability to make decisions. It takes two to have consentual sex. You have no reason to feel guilty for that. Please, read up on codependency and being a rescuer, because you are setting yourself up in a losing position in a major way with your current approach. You need to break that whole mindset because it ISN'T based in reality. Please listen to me on this, i'm someone who used to think exactly as you are now and tried to "help and be there" for my ex for months and then one day she just turned round and said "i don't need you and i have a new boyfriend" Examine the reasons you want to "help and be there for her" etc because 99.9% chance you are not being honest with yourself about that. Pay attention. Title: Re: We broke up, then I slept with her. Help? Post by: Rayban on April 30, 2017, 08:49:28 AM If you really want to help her, then respect what she says and give her space. Distance might also help you decide if you want to keep putting yourself through this. Would a person that loves you threaten to accuse you of rape?
She hates you for loving her. In dysregulation there is no limit to what she's capable of. I understand wanting her to be happy and wish her well, just don't let her do it at your expense. Stick around long enough and you'll be that guy who is at her beck and call, while she downplays what you had as a relationship, and the next white Knight takes a stab at making her right. Title: Re: We broke up, then I slept with her. Help? Post by: Mutt on April 30, 2017, 08:05:16 PM Hi Beardface,
*welcome* Excerpt Prior to this, I was hoping for us to get back together at a point down the line, but this event has made me realise that is isn't really want I want or she needs. I want to be there as a friend, always, but we are too flawed and explosive. Maybe you had to go through this experience to realize that it's not in your best interest. My advice is stay away from drugs and alcohol. Don't worry about her, shift your focus on you and take really good care of yourself. Title: Re: We broke up, then I slept with her. Help? Post by: Lucky Jim on May 01, 2017, 01:37:48 PM Hey Beardface, Hah! I enjoy your subject line because it sums up the BPD dynamic in a nutshell. Breakup/makeup; Push/pull; I love you/Go away; etc., as Rayban suggests. Needless to say, it's a roller coaster and only you know when it's time to get off. To be honest, I don't think there is anything you can do to "help her get back on track" and I don't recommend that you take on this project. As InfernO points out, it's not your responsibility to caretake another adult.
LuckyJim |