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I am struggling to get my thinking right...my husband and I decided to take a weekend away to just get some peace but I think the nature of this disorder is that it follows you everywhere and it’s up to me to take my thoughts under control...my sons have contacted me about our daughters shenanigans

After paying her minimal Lodging to us she has spent the rest of her paycheck on a septum piercing and tattoo. She still has a month of petrol and other living expenses to get though.

I am trying to be dialectical and think about what I can and can’t change. I can’t scrub off the tattoo or take the piercing back for her money back. I can control my disappointment and frustration.

I can’t get angry because it backfires. I can’t change her.

But in my heart I am also sad about the scars she’s leaving on her beautiful body and face and soul...which will be there long after this impulse has passed to mark her body..

I am sorry to hear that
 What exactly did she do?

Oh MomSA  

I'll take a BIG breath with you!

   

Nope.
How are you going to respond? How can you make this into a win-win for you both?

There is the impulsiveness, your DD is likely going to be regretting her spending decision, realising she's no money left for essentials for the month. Also our children often need to be taught financial management skills, supported as they learn. Lollypop would be leading the charge here, though I think she's departed on holiday, floating down some sunny canal.   Our monthly budgets are on the kitchen wall, a reminder of what has to be paid for, saved for and what is free for treats. Visual works for my DD and if she happens to bomb she has to get back on track, positive reinforcement.

I can understand your sadness about the tattoo, piercing, I felt much the same way as you. DD now has 3. The third was by way of celebrating completing DBT, celebrating herself. Couldn't be anything more permanent to remind her of her success.

Hope you're getting some rest bite, you've been working so hard!

WDx

She has tattooed her forearm and pierced her nose septum.

She has blue hair (or blond, or pink or purple depending on the week!) and two piercings in each ear. The hair and ears I can handle but now its her face.

Thank you.

I can't really do or say anything. She is disregulated as her best friend of 7 years has finally given up on her after all the lies and neediness. She blames me, so she isn't even speaking to me. I don't know whether to lie and say :"Nice piercing and tat" or just ignore it. Theres got to be another way.

Thats something worth celebrating.


Thank you, we did have an enjoyable time.

MomSA -
My DD can sense sarcasm from my with radar sharp focus. I’ve been trying to learn a technique called NVC -non violent communication. It totally aligns w/the teachings here. For me, not commenting is challenging as I try to hold my tongue but again it’s all about Radical Acceptance. Maybe try the idea someone suggested about pulling out baby pictures and doing some grief work then attempting to trade feelings of resentment for feelings of compassion. As my gorgeous DD’s tattoos accumulate, I simply ignore bc what’s done is done and
It’s not anything I’m interested in. I’m sure it ticks her off that I don’t comment, but I have nothing validating to say...

Thank you PeaceMom...

She got in at 1am. She finished her tattoo at 11 and went to her new mans home until then. She hasn’t woken up for work and I’m just leaving her. She must feel the consequences of her actions. My husband wants to intervene but have told him to leave her. I fell asleep after 3am. My health is suffering big time with this nonsense.

I have been looking at photos of her as a little girl and my grief is so huge for this child we have lost...

I can relate to grief for the child you lost. I feel the same way when I see baby pictures or even someone else with a baby or toddler that reminds me of my son. My hope is to one day be able to celebrate the person he IS BPD and all. What is it you see on the horizon beyond your grief?

Faith, I hear you...I look forward to the day when my family is not on breaking point.

My eldest son has said he is wanting to move out as he cannot even look at her without resenting what she has done to our family. I think I need to help him find someone to talk too.

My elder daughter went with her for the tattoo...she says she cannot hope to have a normal relationship with her sister so she will just do these surface things to keep her safe.

My youngest son took the brunt of my not being here...he had a friend over and she went and bought the alcohol and rolled cigarettes for them and he said he was too afraid to stand up to her.

I believe the time is coming where we will have to give her an ultimatum saying that if she chooses to live her life this way, she may not bring her choices into our home and infect our son. This is terrible for me, but he is only 17 and he loves her so much he doesn't want me to do this, but he obviously cannot stand up to her.

For me, I have booked an appointment with my GP for my health - I have rheumatoid arthritis and its in a flare up due to stress. I am not sleeping. I need to care for me.

My Lupus flares with all this too.
You should be thinking of yourself on your break. Next time could you instruct the other children not to tell you about her?

I’m sorry about your Lupus...and yes the thought did cross my mind.

I can relate to having a health condition that flares up
 I have dishydrotic eczema which means constant itching and blistering on the soles of my feet and palms of my hands and of course it is stress related. Since my stress has been pretty constant lately it is flaring big time to the point where I can't walk. I bet others here also have health issues that are aggravated by stress. We have to take care of ourselves as best we can. Sending you empathetic love.
Hugs
Faith

For me, I have booked an appointment with my GP for my health - I have rheumatoid arthritis and its in a flare up due to stress. I am not sleeping. I need to care for me.

Going to the doctor quite literally may have saved my life.  My T recommends all patients who are in crisis (as we all are when our kids are actively BPD) and get a general check up.  Needless to say, I was 30 lbs overweight, BP was through the roof, and my cholesterol was unreadable because it was off the charts.

Taking care of ourselves is paramount.

As for the tattoos and the piercings - I'm going to say something here, and you may not love it, but here goes:  remember in the other thread when I said that I had spent a lot of time dealing with "my bag of s**t vs. my DD bag of s**t"?

Your unhappiness about the tattoos and the piercing is firmly your bag of s**t. 

I'm not here to defend tattoos nor piercings (although I have 5 tattoos).  I'm here to tell you that it's HER body, and SHE has to control it.  Whether it's tattoos, makeup, hairstyling, style of dress, or piercings, it's hers.  WE don't have to love it, but the second you let go of the wants and desires YOU have for HER body, the happier you'll be.

Not that it matters, but yes, my BPD DD has 2 tattoos now.  I took her for her first one after she turned 18, and that was the deal we had since she was 16.  This way, I could steer her to a reputable shop, with great artists, and we discussed the tattoo's meaning, color, and placement when we got there.

For what it's worth, she got partial lyrics to Andrea Day's "Rise Up" on her right shoulder blade.

She went and got another one on her wrist later, without me.   She got her nose pierced about three weeks ago.

I hope this helps.

You're not alone.

-jyw

You are definitely not alone in having a child with BPD who likes tattoos. My son has not gotten it yet but he has plans to have his entire back tatooed with a special symbol of his recovery. (It will also cover some scars that are there courtesy of his ex gf although I don't know if that is the motive.) If this is how he celebrates this is how he celebrates. Considering just 2 weeks ago we were planning his funeral I am happy to accept it.

MomSA, I use the metaphor of a cup as my guide for compassion. I am probably repeating it here but it helps me when I feel aggravated by challenging behaviors from SD22.

I think of it as my job to fill my cup with compassion for myself every day. Some days it is empty and I spend all day trying to fill it. Those are days I try to not make big decisions and if I find myself thinking "always, never" thoughts I take note and let those thoughts pass until the next day to see how things have changed.

Some days my cup is relatively full, and those are times when I find I make better decisions. When I feel compassionate, I can see more clearly why SD22 does what she does. If my cup is full, I have more tolerance, flexible, patience.

It feels like a full-time job, this cup filling 

Your DD may find the piercings and blue hair and tattoos are a way to express how she's feeling and hasn't yet made those connections. I think we do the same thing though our actions are less noticeable, less extreme. We work every day to understand how our feelings affect her actions. For BPD sufferers, the work is longer, the emotions are more powerful, and the impulses more challenging.

Buddha and the Borderline is a book that I will read when I need to shore up on compassion.

And then other books when it's time for me to draw strength to implement necessary changes so that our family structure remains intact and respected.

Considering just 2 weeks ago we were planning his funeral


Holy crap!  I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DID THIS?

I thought I was weird for having done that.  Thank you for sharing that.

Just You Wait
You are definitely not alone. My son even wanted to know what I was planning to say as his eulogy. (I am a pastor.) Thankfully I have not had to use these plans.

This is an interesting thread. My old T had me actually spend an entire session thinking thru how I would handle the suicide of DD or my BP Ds. She said until I kind of think thru the fact that it could happen and acknowledge that (it’s certainly more likely in this population) then it’s always the elephant in the room. I’m really careful to try to stay optimistic and hopeful, but this can screw me up bc in the depths of my mind these realities live.  It was a heavy session, but it made me feel like I might just be ok if the very worst thing happened. Sorry if this sounds heartless, but it’s my reality.

MomSA,
I agree w/JYW. He’s exactly right about their body, being their body. Now, if my kid was using money they earned to pierce and tat vs paying a bill they owe or paying me a portion of rent, I would address that. I would not specifically talk about WHERE the money was going, but instead say something like “I’ve noticed you have more spending money these days, I would like you to start covering your cell phone bill for the August payment. It’s $50. Do you think you can do that?”
Thoughts?

Yes, absolutely. It is my issue. And I am learning to practise radical acceptance...but here is a space where I know others can empathise with my pain and the feeling like every moral boundary we have had as parents has been annihilated by this disorder she has.

FYI = She never came home Sunday until 3am the next morning, overslept and was later for work, then sent a text apologising for making me worried as I had tried to get hold of her from 11pm. She then asked if I could take her to her first psychiatric appointment (she's getting meds)and in the car apologised again.

She shoved her arm in my face (to see the tattoo) and I said to her that I cannot look now (driving) but we can chat after her appointment. I thought I was a really big girl by sitting with her later in her room and studying her arm (its actually a very pretty even though large tattoo) and talking about the process with her.

For sure!

Everything is actually relative to what we are facing...rather this than self harm and suicide attempts.

Yes I agree...its a full time job of turning the mind and taking thoughts captive. I find when I have spent time in prayer and reading the Bible and seeing Jesus's compassion on those who were hurt, sick and mentally disturbed it gives me a pattern for behaviour with my daughter.

Its when I am trying to parent or love from an empty cup or I don't try to be dialectical - which means slow.it.right.down.and.breathe before I respond that we get into trouble.

Yes! Exactly what my husband and I decided. If she has money for tattoos and piercings she can pick up her medication cost which is a fraction of the amount.

We did a similar thing in our group session as one mom shared that after her daughters 10th suicide attempt (which left her with 40 stitches in her arm) she said the change came when she had to radically accept the worst scenario and to be able to just live and breathe and function her first step was not to keep checking on her daughter (who spent most of her time locked in her room.)

She said she was terrified the first night, then the second and on. Her daughter was in DBT by then. Now 4 years later her daughter is well on the way to recovery.

For us, we had to face the reality of our daughters choices with men, alcohol, drugs, driving under the influence, impulse issues and and and and look at the worst end result. This became the most scary and freeing thing we did.

However, at times I am just so gutted by her choices as I know how they sit in a mature persons soul their whole life...I would have preferred she avoided them...but again, not my life...its hers.

MomSA-
Sitting with them as they make these horribly immoral and soul crushing decisions that cause them more pain then they are already in is nearly impossible for me. Why do they keep sticking their arms in the burning flame. How can a mom watch? I’ve described living with DD19 like being strapped down on the front row made to watch 2 trains collide with toothpicks prying my eyes open. Ugh. That’s why for me, when she’s gone I’m truly light and bouncy. The more I learn to breathe and accept the fact that’s she’s likely to suffer huge consequences due to her decisions, I do better. The tricky part is when the consequences (pregnancies, stds, jail, mono, miscarriages-all have happened) are virtually impossible for her to deal with without my help. This is the most confusing part to
Me. thoughts?

Oh my...

So my worries aren't unfounded...I just want to rescue her (and all my children) from the painful consequences and I thought by warning them and guiding and directing them they would...but each in there own way have accumulated their own hurts they will need to sort out.

However, with my BPD daughter (and I am so thankful she's in therapy and seems to be sticking to it) the rules don't apply? Do they, PeaceMom? So we have to find another way to walk it out with them.

When I took her for her IUD and had the conversation about her promiscuity I thought I had handled that...but its in the dark hours of the night when I wake that the consequences of her choices go around and around in my head.

As she has a warrant she knows if she uses drugs, my husband will send her back to rehab, so that keeps her in check..for now, but the warrant will expire soon.

As to the rest, her therapist tells me I don't always have to be right, just effective...so I try to think of ways to minimise the consequences...like the IUD, condoms, etc but also how to not trigger her with my emotions and give her opportunity to split, which is not effective as we then loose comms.

PeaceMom, is your daughter in therapy? Does she have anyone who is helping her, or is it all you?

It’s all me. She’s been in therapy off and on since 6th grade. She did an intensive DBT FT program last summer for 8 weeks. We’ve had trouble finding a therapist who is DBT certified. They really need to be able to text w/T when in crises. That’s part of the Linehan protocol, but most Ts don’t offer this. My DD could lie lie lie in therapy and never follow the advise given. She projects herself as this extremely moral, Christian practicing teenager, who wants to help all her struggling friends in therapy. Then when she has a crisis she spends the entire hour complaining about how wronged she was (victim mindset). She’s had4 therapists and they become exhausted and happy to pass her on. Nice ladies but we’ve never seen any progress. We adopted DD from Thailand at 17 mos and many believe Reactive Attachment Disorder morphs into BPD. I also read a very interesting theory on birth moms w/BPD passing a genetic component on. Seems plausible to me. My m.o. right now is letting her run wild. She works PT, takes 1 college class, pays for car and cell phone and literally runs wild. Ugh

So hard, Peace Mom...

I just quickly looked at RAD to see what it is...

How far will you let it go before you perhaps section her to go into involuntary rehab? Or would you not consider this?

We are in Texas and you must prove they are a danger to themselves or others. 4 times since age 15 she’s had suicidal ideation outcry and has been taken to psych ward and stayed about a week. Unless she’s trying to hurt her selves or someone else, she can’t be committed.

I will offer her therapy again. Typically she thoroughly enjoys it. I believe it’s a treat for her to go talk about herself for an hour.

I’d really appreciate any other insight or thoughts. Maybe I’ll create a new topic here and ask for support. Most of the time I just go it alone. Tough stuff! Thanks for asking, MomSA

Peace mom
I think it would be great if you started a thread and asked for help. A lot of people here would love to support you.
Hugs
Faith

Because our daughter was using drugs and she was driving under the influence we could say she was a danger to herself and others...

I would like to see what others will say, so please start that thread.

Our daughter plans to move out on the 1st August and is insisting we ask the court to scrap the warrant. We won't so its going to be a but ugly.

*mod*

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