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I need help with boundaries.  I'm uncomfortable with his mixed messages

After 14 years of marriage, My husband filed for divorce 7 months ago. I asked him for an informal separation because I felt As though I could not handle the situation.  

He was vebally abusive, projecting and drinking and I still have one 12 year old daughter at home.

I ended up contacting his sister about the drinking we tried counseling, had psychological testing (rorscharch) test and within a few months he filed for divorce alleging abuse and abandonment.

He tells me I forced him him to file and that it's not what he wants.  Although, he has never taken responsibility or even acknowledged most of his hurtful behaviors or offered to seek treatment.  

Every once in a while he texts me and says he misses or loves me, or when he picks up my daughter steals a quick hug. I usually do not respond because his behaviors other times are conflicting, for instance when I tried to pick up my daughter at his apartment he was angry, said he didn't want me there and called me a stalker.  I told him that I thought I was doing him a favor and that he cannot tell me where I can be, to which responded that I am controlling. Note: during out marriage he was not verbal abusive in front of anyone else including the children. There were a few times with my step daughter where irrational behaviors and binge drinking occurred. This is something I have a hard time understanding.  If it is based on controlling emotions and he has more self control when others are around then he has to know that there is something wrong with the behavior and therefore not so ingrained with his personality,  Right?

I mistakenly hoped he would self-reflect while alone and realize how hurtful his words, actions and stonewalling was. And resolve to get help.

My daughter and I are in the choir at church and my husband stays for the mass.  Today my daugher was going with him so I tried to leave without interacting at all with him. But he came after me and asked me a question about our daughters schedule and then grabbed my arm and wispered in my ear that he loved me in front of my daughter several times.  When she ran off for a moment, i told him I was uncomfortable with his mixed messages and especially that it is done in front of our daughter.  I asked him if he remembered the way he treated me last time and he mumbled something like yeah, that's what I felt then.  

I think it must be confusing and damaging for our daughter to see him angry and not allowing me on his turf, then taking liberties the next.  in some respects I don't want to discourage him from expressing "positive" or perhaps controlling feelings but think I need to communicate that he is not respecting me.  

I thought I could say: we are separated, so public displays of love, especially combined with contrary expressions are unhealthy for our daughter and for me. If you have had a change of heart regarding divorce please talk to me privately about what you thinking. I care about you and hope you are learning and understanding more of yourself as I am.  He is defensive and whenever I communicated negative things, like telling him he was being disrespectful or condescending he would become angry. Then I started saying it hurst my feelings when ... .And he'd say "what are going to do about it".

Any advice would be appreciated!

Hi Greeceheidired,


this is a reasonable thing to want but telling him is not a boundary for you. You lack the ability to defend it.

Can you think of steps you can take to deal with these unwanted advances?