BPDFamily.com

My BPD ex and I have been on and off (mostly off) for about a year-and-a-half before the final breakup.   She hid some of her BPD traits really well from me, but I felt constant anxiety with her, even during the incessant love-bombing, it just always felt like too much and there was constant anxiety on my part, maybe my subconscious trying to warn me or maybe my old trauma being triggered, or maybe both.

Anyways, the thing that finally caused me to break up with her was how unwell I saw myself becoming.  Everything from getting sick often (I normally don't get sick) to feeling constantly jealous and suspicious for no apparent reason, at least none that I can see (I am not typically jealous in relationships) to having angry outbursts to even flirting back when other women would flirt with me.   I'm not very proud of a lot of the things I did, and I don't know exactly *how* being with my BPD ex would make me do those things that were so out of character for me.   Maybe I could just sense how it felt like my confidence was being chipped away and I just wanted out of the whole situation?  

I finally did something I haven't done before and blocked her on *everything* and when she tried to call me from another google voice number I blocked those too.   I can feel that I am finally done.  There was no closure.  I didn't find any "smoking guns" and probably never would have.   The most I found was a few suspicious emails that seemed to contradict things she had told me before, but I could never shake the feeling she was hiding big things from me.   I don't think it was affairs, but maybe something financial or conversations she was having with her friends about me.   Or ---- and this is something I thought about a lot --- whatever negative energy was running her just wanted me to think she was hiding something to keep me guessing and off-balance.

Did anyone else experience things like this?   Feeling unwell but never being able to find a true "smoking gun" because they are either too good at hiding it or they were just creating uncertainty to mess with you.   I don't think a lot of this is done consciously.   Rather it seems like with BPDs there is a Machiavellian genius running them, they don't even realize it fully, but it is the master of pushing your buttons.

Also when I would find small inconsistencies in what she had told me, she always had a glib explanation that would make sense.  Since I was interacting with her in her native language which I had learned, I was fluent, but I would get tripped up especially during difficult conversations so it always felt like I had a disadvantage in those types of discussions.  Did anyone else feel like there was something running your BPD ex that was just vastly more cunning and manipulative than the actual person?