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So, it's been 3yrs NC which was informed by my pwBPD.

Last weekend I was on a shopping trip with my mum.
We went to one of the large well know indoor shopping centres in London.

It was a lovely afternoon spent browsing the shops, and then I saw her... .

The person who had almost driven me to take my own life, the person who had destroyed my self confidence and the person who told me I was unlovable and destined for a life of loneliness.

She was working in one of the shops with an open frontage so I could see her clear as day.

I've spent so many hours and days wondering what I would do and what I would say if I ever saw her again.

And there I was, amongst several hundred other Saturday shoppers, staring straight at her as she served a customer, completely unaware that I was just a few feet away.

Instead of walking up and saying all the things I wanted to say to her, I froze for a few seconds (felt like an hour!), and then my heart started to pound like it was going to explod pe out my chest, my hands were sweaty and my body started to tremble from head to toe.

So I scurried into the nearest shop, boarded the escalator to the upper floor and stood in the corner behind the sale rack for several minutes whilst I calmed myself down.

One of her parting scathing remarks to me was that I was a pathetic coward, and in that moment, I felt she was right.

I had no desire to go and speak to her; my feet felt like concrete blocks and I don't like I could've taken any more steps towards her even if I wanted to.

It was just like seeing a ghost, looking back at a former life time and all the memories (good and bad) came rushing back.

I know this post is a bit of a ramble, but I'm wondering if anyone else has seen their pwBPD when they didn't expect to and the reaction they thought they would have was so different to what you actually did?

Yes, around Xmas time I was in the supermarket and saw her with a new boyfriend. It was surreal. I remembered all the nasty things she said to me and I can't remember walking home, I was too numb.

'NUMB' describes the feeling perfectly.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in a daze, I couldn't tell you what we ate for lunch that day or what I saw in the shops.

A week later and I'm a bit mad with myself for not taking the opportunity to tell her exactly what I thought, but it would probably only cause me more stress in the long run.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. To see your ex in public can be emotionally disturbing after no contact - there were no words I could express, I just shut down. As you say, it was like seeing a ghost and being haunted by them. It was awful.

Avoiding where they work, shop, drink etc does help you to not accidentally bump into them.

Fortunately, I have since moved away from all the places we would frequent together.

I've also since got married and I have anew circle of friends which makes avoiding her much easier.

Nah, You're not a coward at all.  You did the right thing.

If you made a scene, you would have felt great for a little while... .then eventually you'll wish that you did exactly what you did.

I've done the same as you; I saw the ex that brought me here six years ago recently.  First time a few years ago, I turned a corner at the supermarket and there she was... .I immediately turned around and left.

A few months ago, I saw her while running on the treadmill at the gym.  She walked right behind me, put her headphones in and ran laps around the indoor track for the duration of my time on my run.  She musta passed three feet behind me 50 times.  When aI first saw her, my instinct was to hit the shut off button and leave... .but then I thought, "nah, this is my gym.  If she doesn't wan to me around... .SHE can leave"

(She made me out to be a stalker or something when I was split black)

So I stayed... .and like I said, she didn't even glance my way once; 100 yard stare.

I finished my run... .HAPPY that I didn't let her old words (ie. LIES) make me do something I didn't want to do.

You'll get there... .you've already proven your strong enough to take the first step.