BPDFamily.com

First, can any of you recommend a good book on setting boundaries with a BPD parent (a REALLY REALLY enmeshed parent)?

Now, here's my latest big step... .

I called the psychologist and made my first appointment. It's for mid-August. I am happy I did this but also freaked out. I am so afraid on so many levels.

I have never talked about my mother to a psychologist before. I know that it's confidential, but I am afraid to speak about this. I have told three close friends and one of them abandoned me afterwards. Thankfully, the other two are very supportive.

I know that if I listen to the advice that the psychologist gives me, at some point it will lead to HUGE conflict with my mother. That is something that frightens me greatly.

I worry about the hassle my mother will give me for taking time out to see this psychologist, even though she believes the reason I am going to the office building is for something work-related. For those of you who haven't read my previous posts, this is because my mother is VERY enmeshed in my life, which is why I am going to the psychologist in the first place. I have minimal boundaries and need help creating them desperately.

I worry that I may not like the psychologist. If that happens, I will have to find someone else and then that would be a huge hassle to make up excuses to my mother.

With all that said, I am doing this. I am keeping my appointment and I am continuing piece by piece to take control of my life. I am incredibly terrified and feel more liberated than I ever have.

Hi again!  So glad that you are determined to work you way through this.

I do not know of a specific book on boundaries, but there is a book review section and I am sure you will find some recommendations and reviews there.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:
~ It may be better to focus on your internal boundaries rather than thinking of boundaries for your mother.  The focus should be on you, your thought processes, ending your enmeshment with her (rather than hers with you), changing the way you behave when in a conflict with your mother.

I am not talking about radical change here.  Just small, baby steps so you can see just how capable you are and that as scared as you may be you will be okay.  What you are doing in your head when she tells you where you don't want to live is a perfect example of this so kudos to you!  Keep it up.  Expand it a bit.  If she calls you selfish, visualize her words bouncing off you and going back to her where her fears and projections belong and work on being okay with who you are and your decisions while in her presence.

Usually when people place the focus of  their boundaries on the pwBPD, what they think are boundaries are actually rules.  There is nothing wrong with setting rules in some cases, but they will not help you deal with your mom.

~ Your therapist should be aware of how scared and nervous you are about setting boundaries and saying no to your mom and never force you before you are ready.  She may gently push you a bit, but only after having worked with you to understand you and your situation.

~ Breathe.  Focus on what you can control which is you.  Your mother will react the way she always does and you have survived every time.  You are capable and you can deal with this.  Change can be scary but you can't be the woman you want and live your life the way you want without change.  Tell yourself that working through the fear, dealing with the change, dealing with you mothers possible (predictable?) behavior are all things you can do and yes it will be hard but you can do it and you are worth it.

Your therapist will be who she is and if you do not like her, the hassle of finding a new one will be worth it because you are worth it.  Your therapist will not abandon you (if she does, walk away!).  She is trained, she is a professional and she is basically working for you.  Therapy requires a leap of faith and the belief in possibilities and the knowledge that little missteps may occur but even they have value and can help you on your way to a better life.

So anyway, I am still rooting for you.  Maybe someone else will come along with a specific book suggestion.

Thank you Harri. Your response was very helpful and affirming to me. I like how you explained internal boundaries. I will continue working on the internal boundaries.

I do feel totally different than I felt a little over a year ago. It's the most freeing feeling when I realized that my mother's fears and projections are hers and NOT mine. I know who she is, I know who I was that she wanted me to me. Now I am starting to learn who I really am, without any regard for who she wants me to be. I have found myself having likes, preferences, and a perspective that my mother would never approve of or expect me to have... .which feels very good.

I am in my 40's, but in some ways I can relate to the struggle a teenager would have with her parents trying to gain independence. Hopefully, I will do it with a little maturity. I don't want to rebel and simply do things that are opposite of what my mother would do. I want to make choices that make sense to me, even if sometimes my choices might actually be something my mother would choose. Although, with that said, I have done a little rebelling against my mother and it does feel quite fun! Nothing extreme, but just stuff she would never approve of.

Hi, Finallyawake 

Making the appointment sounds big!  Congratulations!   |iiii

I love the book by Melody Beattie (sp?) called "The Language of Letting Go".  It has daily readings about creating internal boundaries.  Also, going to Co-dependent's Anonymous has been life-enhancing for me.  These things have really helped me to have feel differently and way less scared towards my BPD mom. 

As for practical guides to how to set boundaries, I'm not sure... .still tricky is that for me.  However, having a clearer sense of myself separate from her makes it all feel so much easier.

I hope that helps.  Best wishes!   

"Although, with that said, I have done a little rebelling against my mother and it does feel quite fun! Nothing extreme, but just stuff she would never approve of."

 

I think that's great!  I, too, have done some little things like that... .even down to just buying a kind of racy pair of socks (yes, socks) that she would have a problem with... .and keeping them covered up, of course. 

Hi Finallyawake,

I pulled this off the books board, members gave it good reviews... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59097.0

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