BPDFamily.com

I'm going mad and I've come on here to maybe find some words of comfort... .

My father, from whom I was estranged, just died and I'm so sad and feel immense regret that I didn't just make him talk to me.  His funeral was two days ago and I'm still inconsolable.  My BPDp who was going to come with me to the funeral, which I was afraid might feel extra awkward because of the estrangement, didn't come, predictably.  Instead he did his own dramatic thing and is now hurling abuse at me, saying that I treated my father badly which was why he didn't want to talk to me.  He is telling me the usual stuff, that I'm selfish, manipulative, spoilt, etc., but the attacks about my father really hurt and I feel murderous and as if my rage and frustration and hurt are boiling over.  

Lucky for him he is 30 miles away because I would love to smash his face in right at this moment... .

I was driving to the funeral to bury the father I loved who rejected and abandoned me over and over in my life, unaccompanied as it turned out by the partner I love who has rejected and abandoned me over and over again in the past two years, and I couldn't really avoid seeing a pattern... .

Am I pathetic?  Am I so weak and needy that I will allow myself to be kicked around like a stray dog by this man hoping for a few crumbs of kindness and love when he is not too busy being sick?

My question is, how many actual success stories are there?  From reading the headings on this board the general impression is of misery, confusion and desperation!  

My father is dead so he can't hurt me any more.  My partner can, if I let him... .

God help me, I need the strength to walk away and stay away before the sad mess that is my life becomes too broken to be valid.  I'm so angry... .

On the there side, my BPDp is on a course of Lithium and it hasn't had a chance to work yet.  He is in a state, I know this, yet he lashes out and hurts the person who cares most, knowing exactly how to hurt me the most and ensure that he alienates me.  What kind of a monster would say cruel things to someone who has just lost their father?  

I don't know how to come back from this.

:'(  Janey

A previously related thread on success, and what it means to different people

Is success possible? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201424.0)

like many all depend on what you see as a success.

on top under success you will see my post, and many, my husband to this day doesNt know about BPD we have been married 16 years. i have know just as long. things got better, which is why i am not on here often i am on here to remind me he has BPD,and to help others

since coming on here many years ago there was one success but i don't see her on here either. her husband actually had the THERApy needed. and went through it all.   

That is a good reminder Wanda, folks are most likely only on here when they are struggling and need help. So the perceived stats will be skewed

I guess it depends what you mean by success.

I know the first "success" I found was learning to stand up to abuse, assert boundaries, be much less invalidating, and start working on doing more validation.

Later successes were when my wife started working on herself in more productive ways than she had been before. I'd say it is about a year since I've seen much of any BPD behaviors at all. For the last few months, she's run into some serious depression and anxiety, but (amazingly!) accepts that her feelings are just that, feelings, and that they aren't my fault. I couldn't have imagined that when I first showed up on this board!

Learning to change your own behavior is the hardest part. I was talking to a new friend who was raised by messed up (possible BPD and/or NPD) parents, and only learned as she put it to "stop arguing with reality" a few years ago, after decades of drama and two marriages to alcoholics.

I consider it a success when somebody reclaims their self and their life--whether their partner comes along with them or stays stuck in the same old pit!

I like that term, cornerstone of acceptance, hope you dont mind if I steal it occasionally

"Arguing with reality" isn't even my phrase to loan out... . and the friend who shared it with me is very generous! Please take all the liberties with it you want, waverider! I'm pretty sure I've repeated some of yours already :)

To me success is progress, in either him or me, no matter how small. As long as there is progress, there is hope for a better future.