BPDFamily.com

This weekend I asked my BPD boyfriend if in his dark moments, if away from me, he thinks he would be compelled to cheat. I have seen him having his dark moments and I know that in that period I am the enemy in his eyes. So I needed to just chat with him about it because trust is the foundation of any relationship and this thought has been on my mind for a long time. We have been together for over a year. He makes the effort of traveling every weekend for 3 hours to be with me, I know his family, his routines, and he speaks often of the future, so I know he loves me and loves being with me. BUT I have read so many articles about BPD , when he got diagnosed, and most of them associated BPD with cheating. It scares me. A lot.

He has severe OCD btw.

So, his answer was:

"I have mostly OCD and from that I developed BPD. So BPD is a smaller part of me. I have never cheated anyone and in my dark moments all I want is to clear my mind from you. Like you don't exist, almost. (ouch)  That way I don't make stupid and wrong assumptions about you. I need to take a bath, a walk, to run or to listen to some music. To be alone. Away from you or anyone. When I feel better, and because I was away,  I know I haven't said something hurtful. Besides... . Maybe I don't have BPD at all and its just my awful personality!"

I had to ... .

I have noticed that when he gets that way, his blue eyes become black cause they are so dilated from anger (its a physical thing when they are that way, not only they tense up mentally but their bodies get tense too ) and we just get into this nonsense dialogues , most of them don't even make any sense. So he now senses it coming and gets into bed and sleeps for 4 hours or more or he goes out to run, or walk, and he comes back felling better. Sometimes reasoning doesn't help... . he doesn't get it. Its like his capability to understand words is shut down temporarily. So in my experience (even tough all BPDs are different) getting them to do something that helps them relax is a huge help. Most of the times I just slowly ask: "Ill put on some nice music for you and you take a bath, what do you think?" Usually, helps. But it was really hard to acknowledge he needed to be away from me in the middle of a discussion. And it still hurts but its better than to have the discussion (about nothing most of the time) where awful words are said and its hard to recover from... .


Tajo