BPDFamily.com

I have known for a while that conversations with his brother often lead to irritability with me particularly if he is on the edge of a "mood" or outburst. It just dawned on me tonight the possibility that this is a triangulation.

He starts getting in a mood, talks with brother & usually just have chatty conversation, but it can also include "bashing me" & women period conversation & then he is pals with his bro & I am the odd one out. (I have often thought his brother enjoys instigating conflict in all areas of his life as well as between others) I really don't care what they discuss, don't care what his brother thinks, I just hate the moods that come about.

To me, he often greatly disapproves of his brothers choices & doings and dreads taking to him sometimes. I really want nothing to do with his brother. I would be cordial if I had the need to speak/see him, but since he lives across the country & they only see each other every 15 yrs out so I don't have to. He knows that I don't agree with his brothers choices, but he also knows that I will sort him having whatever relationship with his brother that he chooses. (Brother in 50's shacked up with an 18y/o as his "adopted daughter" and other Weird stuff)

First sign of stress in our house & he is on the phone getting things riled up.

I could care less what they have, just need to figure out how to avoid the fallout from it.

Hmm, my dBPDh has a very weird brother (and mother), too.  He really dysregulates further when he talks to his family.  What I have been told is that they reinforce his distorted reality.  His family really has an "us" against them attitude.  This extends to his mother's new boyfriend (from his brother's perspective) and any girlfriend's his brother has (from his mother's perspective).  It makes it easier to realize that it has nothing to do with me and could be any other woman in my husband's life.   How is the rest of his family?

Interesting. He has no other family at all. Both of his parents died when he was a small child & his brother is 7 years older. Here has spent a lot of his life trying to get acceptance from brother & brother has pretty much spent his life speaking like he cares one minute and abandoning him with his actions the next. Brother dumped him at a truck stop at 15 to hitchhike across 5 states without a dollar in his pocket.

But yes, he is still pretty loyal to brother.

Oh, wow.  He must have extreme abandonment issues.  Yeah, my dBPDh has no boundaries with his family.  He feels a lot of loyalty that isn't deserved.  Thankfully, all of the therapists involved are clear that choosing your family and wife over family of origin is healthy.  Particularly when the family of origin is so toxic.