BPDFamily.com

Hello,


My partner is diagnosed BPD. Today is his first appointment with a psychiatrist. He’s never had ongoing treatment before now. I hope he will go the distance.


Anyone have experiences or advice on  a partner seeking early stages of treatment?

What do I need to know? How can we remain mindful and aware?

B x

how did the appointment go, boogs?

My partner seems relatively unamused by his experience. The psychiatrist has completely changed his medication and wishes to see him in two weeks time.
I guess it will take time to build a relationship. He said that the psychiatrist is only after money.
I keep hoping that my partner will do long term treatment and even take up a residency at a clinic in the future but today I’m not feeling optimistic.
The way my partner treats me currently... .I’m not even sure if we’re in a relationship anymore even though we live together. We sleep in seperate rooms.He seems indifferent towards me.
☹️

there is a lot of stigma regarding seeking mental health treatment, and its not uncommon for people with traits of this disorder to be distrustful of the industry... .hang in there, though.


how is he treating you currently? did he give any reason for sleeping in separate rooms?

We have always slept in separate rooms. He does this for two reasons. To keep me at a distance and also because he says that I wake him up if I snore. He has terrible sleep issues.

He treats me as if I’m a disappointment to him. Like I’ve let him down. He was telling his psychiatrist yesterday that he doesn’t trust anyone. He goes through phases where this is a prominent issues for him and then he will move onto another obsession... .saying things like... .“I’m a bad egg” I’m a bad boy”.

Our relationship... .or whatever it is... .seems to be revolving around him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m independent and I do things... .I work have friends and see films and go out for dinner etc.

But on an emotional level... .this is how it goes... .I find myself in situations where our interactions are based on his feelings and his trauma. I validate, empathise and listen. This is rarely returned to me. And that’s where it ends. I’m either dealing with one of two scenarios... .either I don’t exist... .or I’m not separate from him. It so HARD. I keep hitting dead ends.

this does sound awfully hard on you, boogs. its good that youre maintaining your support system, as well as the things that you like to do. these relationships, unfortunately, are not always fair.

are you seeing a therapist for yourself?

No therapist

what do you think about seeing one? it could help in the long and short term.

I have seen a therapist earlier this year but she more or less told me to leave him amongst other medical professionals

im sorry you had that experience boogs. 

therapists are like shopping for a good pair of shoes... .you gotta find one that fits. id be hesitant to try again too if that were my experience; theres a reason that we support you in your efforts to better the relationship on this board. there are therapists that will do that too.

Thanks once removed. I’ve started a few posts in recent weeks. I have no idea what do given my current circumstances. Sometimes okay and other times I’m incredibly sad. I’m in love with a wonderfully kind,talented and gentle man but this is hell sometimes. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I’m being used. So many conflicting feelings.

admittedly, these are extremely difficult circumstances. youre in a rock and a hard place, and there are elements of his behavior that are out of your control.


you are also in love with a man that is very limited in his relationship skills, his communication skills, and his ability to cope. there may be room for improvement, especially where positive reinforcement is concerned, but a great deal of this, if you are choosing to stay, will revolve around how you are coping.

My emotional needs aren’t being met. I have no idea if I should wait it out. I have no idea how to ask even where I stand with him. Is it important to ask now or wait until he’s in stronger place?

i think asking him would be a tall order. i suspect he has less of a sense for where you stand right now than you do. based on recent events, he doesnt have much understanding of where he is in life, where its going, or what to do next.

you may not have signed up for this, but if you are choosing to stay, youre the emotional leader in this relationship. it will be more effective to, through actions and realistic expectations, lead the relationship in the direction that you want to see it go, like a captain steering a ship through a storm.

have you had a chance to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

I have read it but I get overwhelmed easily at the moment. So much to remember. And when I try listening and validation that is all our relationship has become.

I’ve noticed that my partner becomes significantly calmer after seeing a health professional. Especially if we attend the appointments together. It doesn’t last long but the change is dramatic.

Any thoughts?

And thanks.

Hi boogs.     It is okay to take a break and to give yourself some slack.  You can't remember everything all at once.  I hate this phrase but I am going to use it here with you:  it is a process. 

Your BF may find the appointments validating and use them as a release.  Generally being heard, validated and acknowledged by someone not central to the relationship is going to help. 

How long do these good times last?  An hour?  A day?

Well we saw a doctor yesterday. My partner really desperately wants to be admitted to a clinic for residential care. He seemed much better after being validated etc. This is understandable.

The good times last for about 2-3 days then down hill fast.


Down hill for weeks

boogs, that is a great sign that he feels better after seeing a professional.  Despite him saying that he doesn't trust them, it seems to make a difference.  It again makes me think of a long-term program like DBT that could provide a steady level of support.  A weekly meeting with a counselor plus a weekly skill group, each giving a 2-3 day boost, might be a good match.  Can you remind us of the availability of DBT where you are?  If I am remembering correctly, I think you said it could be difficult to arrange.

RC

That’s a good idea Radcliffe. A weekly program and a psychologist session would definitely make a difference. I’m in Australia. There are DBT programs available but the psychologists that have a special interest in BPD are usually booked out and not taking any more clients. We got private health recently so that he can access the best treatment possible next month. A month feels like a long time to me. He spirals so quickly.

Also, one other point... .pwBPD seems to sporadically suggest that I should consider moving abroad? I used to live in the UK for many years. I have many fond memories of my time there. Why does he keep telling me to move back there when he knows that I clearly have no plans to travel.

I would guess that, due to generalised abandonment fears, he might be  worried that you will up and move abroad (even though there is no basis for that worry). So, instead of saying a frightened "You don't want to go back, do you? You won't go, will you? You won't leave me?" he says a hostile "Go move back there!" because it gives him the reassurance he needs without having to show vulnerability to get it. That would be my guess. But it is just a guess - only he can tell you his actual motivations. Have you asked him in calmer times?

I haven’t asked him no... .the calmer moments rarely occur in recent months. I will definitely ask him at the right time. His behaviour has been very confusing in recent months. The past few weeks he’s been telling me that we’re just friends and then yesterday he was calling me babe and sweetheart. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to know what’s going on. I don’t argue with him about it.

On the inside... .in private moments I realise that I’m starting to put up walls. It’s starting to worry me because I love him and love to feel comfortable being affectionate and relaxed with him but there are walls now and I don’t know what to do.

I know he’s not well... .he’s so low functioning BPD. It’s just me and him left to work through this mess. Ultimately that’s all we have.

I think you're being sensible not to argue with him about it. Even though it can be hell-ish not knowing where you stand like this, he's probably confused himself and couldn't give you answers even if you asked for them.

Mine is low-functioning too and has pushed away everyone in his life but me, so I understand how tough it is navigating through these stormy seas with such a small crew. You've got us to listen and help where we can though.

Can you tell us more about the walls you're putting up?

I’ve stopped showing him affection basically. He told led not comfortable with it and I tried to respect that but on the occasions I would give him a hug if he was irritable or upset or anxious then he would stiffen up. The final time I hugged and him was more than six weeks ago. His response was one of disgust so I stopped and haven’t done it since.

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