BPDFamily.com

Seventy-three (73%) of relationships do not end at the first or second break-up.

Okay.  
 
For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. For a person to want to leave the door partially open is common insecurity – it makes the leaving not so scary. To reconnect with a person after a split 1-2 times is not unusual.  
 
It becomes a problem when there are more than 2-3 break-up/make-ups.  Many of our members (including me) have been in this unhealthy place.   ;p
 
If we have been caught in our own break-up/make-up cycle, it is time that we sit down and analyze why we keep returning to the relationship.
 

• Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe?  

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.
 
Recovering the relationship: The ability to end the cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment to change. We can't continue to approach the relationship in the same way and expect a different outcome.  
 
Leaving the relationship: The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with us.  Moreover, it doesn't help us to blame it on our partner. That assumes they have power over us.  Besides, if you have repeatedly returned you both have helped to condition this behavior as "normal" for the relationship.
 
So, tell us about your toxic break-up/make-up cycles. (why did you return, how often, what ultimately ended the recycling).  This maybe a hard one to answer – but worth trying.
 
Skippy

---

See list of all romantic relationship surveys
(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/more-info.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301355)

Thanks for this great one Kenneth.

Here is a graphic after 600 votes... .


                  Break-up/make-up cycles

(https://bpdfamily.com/audio/break-up.png)

              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%

Amen to that: she finally left me!  The trick is not to want her back.

I've been in an off and on relationship with udxBPDSO for 2+ years.  Break-ups (5 or 6 to date) have usually come from me trying to enforce a boundary. I state boundary she breaks up. Following "proper" protocol... .I've allowed her to go NC and then when she's come back, I've taken her back. I've basically allowed the pattern. Thing is... .no matter what is discussed at the time of the making up period... .she forgets about it as time goes by. This time... .I finally get that it's part of the pattern, the repeat cycle. And I'm tired, really tired of it. I'm tired of being shut out for... .no apparent reasons other than she getting angry for... .no apparent reason. I'm tired of being in a relationship that is like a broken record: honeymoon period, angry/depressive period, emotional void period, NC period, coming out of NC, push start button and there we go again.

I've done a lot of recovery work, therapy, etc. during these past two years.

This last NC has come at a time when I myself am physically quite sick. And so I literally have no energy to focus my attention on anyone but myself. And lo and behold... .it's been a blessing in disguise. I can finally see things for what they are. Some, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit to them.  Seems I'm guilty of being totally in love with... .her looks. With how she responds to me... .in bed. I'm afraid of not finding someone else like that. I'm staying because of... .some really superficial things. And... .there's also a repeating pattern for me... .I've been... .boundary-less. Certain relationships cause me to become a... .doormat.  As I move forward on my own recovery path, working on myself, learning about healthy boundaries and enforcing them, etc. I know that if I had been at this stage when I met her... .I would have ended things long ago.

She once told me not to give up on her. That tugs at my heart strings. And at my sense of compassion. But... .

I recently re-read some of the posted literature... .and one of the messages that stands out: a person involved with someone with mental illness needs to be in a very good healthy place themselves (mentally, physically, emotionally), before they can take it on. I am not in that place. Far from it. I need to bow out of the dysfunction dance so I can take care of me.

thanks for this thread. Helps me unravel some of the messy thinking and figure out some healthy pathways for myself.

Really good topic, Skip!  I had to think long and hard as to which relationship I wanted to comment on, and the one I least like to think or talk about any longer, and probably the most damaging one to me over time, is probably the most appropriate one for your question.

This relationship started when I was 13 and she was 14 and became an on again, off again throughout my life and well into adulthood.  Thinking back from that time, I can recount at least 10 times over the course of our lives (25 year history) that we were together and then broke up, after something significant would happen.  It was always her who initiated through  crisis which brought us back together; It was always her drama that broke us apart (cheating, lying, enmeshment, abandonment, self destructive behaviors).  In between those 10 or so get together/break-ups, sometimes many years would pass.  Sometimes it was months.  In the end, the actual relationship aspect of it never lasted more than 6 to 9 months, but sometimes less.  

Considering the why's are difficult.  I always thought that we were some kind of star crossed lovers; meant to be together but timing was always wrong.  I mistook each of her subsequent engagements with me and the placing of me upon a pedestal each time, as evidence of this, and of our love for one another.  Little did I realize at the time that I was merely playing the role of savior to whatever had happened to her at that point in time in her life.  

I was never alone.  In fact, quite the contrary.   I was a revolvong door of relationships.  I would move from one to the other with ease.  Always had one lined up before the last one ended.  So most likely yes, I had a fear of being alone. Somewhere along the line, I was taught very well how to survive for myself.   I would also say that this tied to my deep rooted abandonment issues stemming from childhood.  I was adopted at 3 months old by my parents.  At age two, my Father left my Mother for another woman, and left her to raise me and my brother (who was an infant at the time).  My mother then had my grandparents keep me and my brother alot so she could go out and forget aboiut the pain she was dealing with. Our grandparents raised both of us.  They were good people and they did their best, but the damage had already been done.  

Fear of never finding someone as good as them again?  I thought so at one time.  Most definitely.  However; I have come to realize now that it was more to do with how they made me feel about myself, rather than how good they actually were.  In hindsight and in this relationship in particular; when I felt needed and wanted, I felt good about ME.  No more, no less.  This, like the majority of relationships I have had throughout my life have followed this pattern; but knowing what I know today about myself, realize none of them have been good partners to nor for me.  

My next step has been to find myself and learn as much as I can about who I am and why I am the person I have become today.  I am on that journey now.  No fear.  No loneliness, no regrets; just determination.  I do not want to continue the same cycles of abuse... . TO MYSELF.  

Having said all of this, I want to come full circle on the relationship I chose to use as a frame of reference for this topic.

In the end, our last hoorah lasted approximately 9 months.  After she Raged on me (in front of children), I decided to end the friendship/relationship for good.  That night ended in her calling the police on me (because I hid her prescription medication from her) and my leaving the house with the children leaving her there to explain to the police why she called.)  I dissolved the relationship and she tried to reengage me afterwards a few times.  I responded one time... . and it was very short, and hurtful.

Several months after I dissolved the relationship, I heard from her one last time through an email.  She apologized for what she put me through throughout my life and stated that she loved more deeply than I could ever imagine.  She said "You were the one that got away".  I did not respond.  I received a call two days later from an old mutual friend who I had not talked to in years.  She committed suicide.  I later found out that she did so only hours after writing to me.  How did it finally end?  Sadly.  

I have learned to accept my part in the vicious cycle of this long, twisted relationship.  I have also come to see in the many, many interim relationships I have had throughout the years the similar struggles that mirror aspects of this one in particular.  And although I am still attracted to these BPD character traits in others, and they seem to seek me out with the same fervor…  I have learned to spot it and try and avoid it, as best I can.  Of course, each day is a journey and a struggle to not allow myself to choose that road.

Our first break up/make up was 2 and a half months into the relationship... .right around Valentines Day.  That lasted 2 weeks.  The second one was about a year and a half into the relationship... .that lasted 3 days.  This one is for good.  No ifs, ands or buts.

There is the possibility that we may hook up again... .but, just for sex or common friendship activities - I'm not going to be naive to say this might not happen.  I am still very attracted to him on a sexual level, and knowing him, somewhere down the line, he will pursue this with me. 

I, however, will NEVER take him back as a partner.  I am 100% sure of that.  I see the light now regarding who he is and what he is not.  He's a good man, but not good relationship material AT ALL!

Yes. And thank you, Lenny Bruce!

And for me it was third time she left me--and I was determined not to go back. The first two times she left me were similar (leaving me suddenly, claiming she loved me): irrational and filled with mixed messages. And after these break-ups, I did everything I could to win her back. I noticed, on this third abandonment, that the pain was even worse. Each break-up/make-up I only became more enmeshed, more "in love."

As confused mentions, we allow this pattern; we are part of it.

And because I still hear from her every so often, because she still e-mails, I realize that I could still be part of the cycle if I wished to.

The break-up/make-up cycles are, indeed, addicting. Life with the BPD takes on such an intensity, and make-up sex, in particular, is a heightened experience--but I realized, in retrospect, that I didn't necessarily need the push/pull behavior to achieve that degree of passion.

But the BPD/NON dynamic can become almost like life in a war zone--the good and bad are equally intense, and we don't even realize "reality" has slipped from our experience. That is, the insanity becomes normalcy, and we are caught in the cycle. We have become obsessed.

It's like we've wrestled with death when we finally break out of it. As Marlow in Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness says, "The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself--that comes too late--a crop of inextinguishable regrets." This might not sound so cheerful on my part to quote Conrad here, but it does seem apt. Our attempts to disengage are not easy stuff.

I voted "other" because there was only one break-up, it was final, and it occurred after nearly 20 years of tumultuous scenes and threats of breaking up.

In my case, many of the factors that Skip listed were at play.  He did not mention one that is very important, in my opinion, which is a feeling of responsibility for the pwBPD.  Particularly if the pwBPD is low functioning, concern about what will happen to them can play a very important role in the dynamic. 

GCD145

Thanks for adding this.

Well, this is a great topic, but one which makes me feel quite sick to the stomach. I haven't broken up with my ex 2 or 3 times, or 5 or 6 times... .to be honest, I have no idea how many times, but it would be in the 30+ range. It's quite sickening to admit that, having looked at the results of the poll. I feel like such a pathetic fool.

I suppose my uBPDxgf really had me cornered. I am British, and I was living in Korea (she is Korean). She managed to isolate me from ny friends, and I was obviously far away from my family. Everytime we broke up I had nothing... .no friends, no family and in a foreign country. I had a job with a contract that I couldn't just leave and go home. Every time she came back it was such a relief not to be on my own again. Everytime I thought she would change or it would be better. Even after 30 break-ups I was stupid enough to think that she would change, or that I could prevent the break-up by not upsetting her.

Eventually, during one break-up, she decided to book to go to Australia on a one-year working holiday. After all, for the previous 3 years it had been me who had prevented her from doing it and I was preventing her from living a full and happy life and restricting her freedom. So she finally found the courage to do it. Of course, she came back to me a few weeks before she left. But she still got on that plane. A few weeks after, my work unexpectedly came to an end, and I was free to leave and I came home.

Last thing I heard, she was happier than ever, because she had a job, she had foreign friends, language exchange partners blah blah blah... .these were all things that I could have provided her with, and did, but she refuse or turned her back on it.

I do think I love her. After a time, I think it became a habit.

Now I just hate her.

In November she will return to Korea, and she will find herself alone again. I expect  she will try to contact me then and tell me how much she misses me... .

I don't usually post in this forum, but the link at the top of every other page suggested this question wants answers from all posters.

In almost 9 years, my partner and I have never broken up. She's got BPD and I'm not 100% healthy, but we've never really wanted to break up, or gone through with stupid ideas we've come up with when arguing. We've talked about it a lot, but never done it. We both have this belief that we're really right together, and if we can make it through her recovery from BPD, we can make it through anything.

Peacebaby

  We split up once, for about a year.

He left me after getting healthy in DBT and I did not get healthy.

When we were apart, we had a therapeutic separation, we both got help and we had help together.

We reconciled in 2008, almost two yrs ago, and things are amazing.


  Steph

OK folks, I'm on the extreme side of the spectrum.  We must have broken on and off well over 10 times over the 2 years and nine months we have known each other... .I know... .it was really sick, beyond toxic... .and yes, I was an enabler in this emotional quagmire... .Our honeymoon lasted six months and ended almost immediately after I told her as to how I felt about her... .that is were the push and pull started... .at first I could not figure out why she acted the way she did... .I got increasingly frustrated with her and angry at myself and could understand why I kept going back... .I kept looking for love and the woman I fell in love with... .from the start I knew intellectually that she had deep seeded emotional problems and could not meet my needs, yet emotionally I would not accept the fact of who she is ... .She treated me like dirt and I refused to see it that way... .I kept thinking, hoping, wishing, praying that she would love me the way she 'loved' me during the honeymoon phase... .and kept wishing that she would return to the woman I fell in love with... .  I was in deep denial and always kept thinking about the good side of her... .  all throughout, I never ended up thinking about myself... .and eventually I lost complete sight of myself... .

I finally experienced an emotional breakdown... .  that was exactly a year ago... .  I was drained and could not go any further... .I decided to get professional help and ended up on anti-depressants for three months... .  that's when somebody suggested that she may be BPD... .I distinctly remember coming across an article about a husband who had written about his wife of 10 years who she turned out to be BPD... .I cried so hard because for the first time I felt I had some real answers... .I decided then to go LC first and started doing some serious work on myself... .I did a ton of research on BPD and eventually came across this board... .my exuBPDgf did one more push and pull on me at end of Aug'09, where I caught myself again reacting the way I did over the last two years but this time it was different... .I realized what it was all about... .I stepped further back from the relationship... .she noticed it and tried to lure me back a couple of times with no success... .  I stood my ground... .  last December she invited me out for my 'birthday dinner' where she finally raged all over me in the restaurant... .I sensed she was angry that I was stepping back and did not commit myself to her... .at the very end, while she was still blabbering, I looked at her one more time and then finally saw who she is... .a deeply insecure, angry, bitter, unforgiving, narcissistic woman who has deep seeded emotional problems... .I saw through her and emotionally accepted that fact and let her go... .  I got up and walked out of her life once and for all... .  I have not been in contact with her since... .

Knowing who she is was one thing, truly accepting it was something else. It was an incredibly painful experience but I had to go through the motions. In hint sight it was a blessing in disguise because I have learned so much about myself as to who I really am and that, my friends, is not a bad thing... .

Ciao

i cant tell you how many times we broke up... .every time the same cycle...

break up over something... minor (so i thought)... followed by the me entering a productive life again... followed by the call, the visit... the voice mail... .and the honey moon  and again... the cycle...

but see... .after all i saw or felt... cards on the table... i should have bailed at the first break up... and not looked back... .each time i painted the break up to suit me... .and i knew to much... but each reconcliation... .i attacked it differently... or apprached the disorder differently... diiferent boundaries... different techniques... .

i was going to fix. her... and i went against out teachings... and studies... took me five years to finally get it... actually  5 years and the sixth tear without out her i put it all together...

my ex was a card carrying borderline... .and if you asked her what do you suffer from she would tell you... and times it was her excuse... to conducted  like an 16 y/0 and she was 45?

she was going to all the therapies... and the meds , and dbt...

why... ? i dont know... i think she just had time to kill... .wasnt doin her any good...

and today... she still conduct herslelf the same... .but without me...

I've had two official breakups with my BF over the past two and a half years.  We've had many disagreements.  But as time goes on I can see it could be fleas from his ex. 

This is a great learning topic, and tool for those of us that struggled in this very subject.

I, for one, voted 10+ times. The number will never really be known, for I never went to college, thus, never learned to count quite that high.  :)

I see there are a few of us that are less than enthused by our own admissions. Some of us are actually embarrassed. Im here to urge you not to be. There are several dynamics that lead us into recycling. Recycling is to cycle again and again into the same dynamics and situations. We have a workshop on this very topic.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

I am a recovered recycler, and Im darn proud of having the ability to see my role in it, and understanding the dynamics at play.  :)

I appreciate your sense of humor.  

This may seem like an odd question and hard to answer but I had never really tried to figure it out before but,for some reason thought I would.

I have an inquisitive nature so I did it matematically,number of years together multiplied by weeks in a year minus number of weeks she spent with other lovers minus number of weeks in between breaking up and reuniting divided by the average 7 week breakup cycle = 46.85 give or take a few,settle on 40,phew!lol!... talk about pye theory!

So having arrived at 40 I was thinking,gee thats like being involved in 40 car accidents,being mugged 40 times,going into a battle 40 times,going to jail 40 times or being involved in a number of other traumatic events 40 times.

So having to deal with all of the emotional trauma involved in any of the above, 40 times, its no wonder we end up damaged,traumatised and show symptoms of PTSD and have to work really hard to overcome it all and why it can take a long,long time to recover.

I know we dont need numbers to gauge ourselves against,there is no emotion in numbers,numbers are irrelevant in the big picture of what weve endured.

Personally I found it an interesting excercise,others might too,so there it is.

At least a dozen MAJOR breakups - usually lasting 1 - 2 weeks. And a plethora of minor breakups - which include the half-ass ones - usually only lasting hours to a couple of days.

My friends and family were so sick of hearing me whine about breaking up, and how that this was "FOR REAL" this time, that they just began to roll there eyes. I guess this is one of the reasons why my support system was piss poor when we finally did break up - I had cried wolf enough times, that when the wolf reared its ugly face, no one believed me.

Broke up maybe 6-7 in the last 6 months, before the grand finale.

Mainly I would have panic attack/ tell her something she didn't want to hear/ lose my cool.  She would break up with me.  It would work itself out.

first time she left me for 3 months

came back acting like nothing had happened

second time she left me for 4 months

came back acting like nothing had happened

third time, well, she never came back.  I'm convinced she is not coming back.  Her behavior this time was much more outrageous and unacceptable.  It's been 8 months.

I'm trying to move on.  Not easy.  If she did come back I'm afraid I'd just stare at her because I want a good look at Satan's daughter

We lived together for two years with maybe two major arguments, then two weeks after we married, we argued every day and broke up every month for a year and half until I initiated no contact three weeks ago.  It was like the safety of marriage gave her the right to start obligating me, manipulating me, and disregarding all boundaries.  It felt like a bait-and-switch.

After she lied about being pregnant and using that as an excuse for us to get back, then behaved good, then admitted to have cheated on me with her ex, it was the end. I endured about two months AFTER that information. She did try her best to behave, but not enough; she still insulted me as usual, if not worse; and created fights so she could go and date other men. I became indifferent and found myself ANNOYED by just talking to her. I lost all feelings for her.

At first I was kinda "struggling" but not really, that's what I thought. I though that I was being weak and pathetic into being with a lying cheating abusive BPDgf. But that wasn't it. I realized that I needed time to put everything together; and couldn't let go because I was actually in denial about all that happened so quickly. It happen so quickly, that I didn't have the time to compute it well.  After a month, maybe two passed by, I just broke up with her, definitively. My reasons were a year of abusive and that she cheated on me; and that, as a matter of fact, I never even loved her, that she didn't let my feelings evolve and that, objectively, she is just annoying, dumb and emotionally sick (6 hospitalizations in less than 2 years. BEAT that). Yea, reasons I could have given months earlier; and even reason I could have used for not starting a relationship with her in the first place, when we were friends and objectively I always knew she had some MAJOR issues.

I wasn't sure of the idea of being all alone after I invested so much in her, and I was soo good and nice to her, that the correspondence and correlative results were not really adding up. After I ended grieving and ACCEPTED that I was cheated, spitted on my face and used and abused, and came to terms with that, I left her. Answered the phone two times. Gave her a uninspiring, bland good bye ___. 6 months free of her.

NEVER BEEN HAPPIER in my life.

Too many.

First break up came after a few dates. Then she wanted me back.

The next came after five weeks. Then she wanted me back.

Then I broke up with her after a few months. I took her back.

Then two years she left again. Then she wanted me back.

Last one (final one) was five years into the r/s. She left. Started to take up with her married boss on the sly after the break. Told her I never wanted to hear from her again. Ignored her latest antics.

It was break up EVERY TIME HE RAGED, usually for hours, he told me to get the hell out of his place. I packed my bags so many time I can't count.

The next day he asked ME to stop fighting! He called, he came to my place to get me, he said we are soulmates and belong together etc... .

I fell for his tricks for 6 months and then I started to stay away more and more every time he became verbally and physically abusive. One day I packed my bags for the last time. I am happy I did.

Over the 5 years of our relationship, the "mini-breaks" were on a continual cycle. Well over 10. Unfortunately for 3 of those years we worked together and the controlling was out of control.  "who are you talking to?" "what are you eating?" "why are you eating that?" "you're talking to an ex aren't you" "you don't really love me" OMG it was so bad that the only way I felt I could escape was to quit my job and not look back. The only other option I thought was to end my life. No one would understand or even believe me. Everyone loved her. I couldn't go to the Administrator and report harrassement, so I thought ... .because "we" were a BIG secret. Plus, I had already taken an oath I would keep the secret and I am a person of their word. It was a game to her to see how she could deceive all of our co-workers. I did quit, packed everything with no notice and walked right out the door. I entered into therapy.  Tried to cut off all communication and then I'd start to feel better, made that phone call or sent that simple email... ."Just thinking about you... .hope you are well."  And BAM! The cycle started all over.  She moved in... .I was accused of telling lies, cheating, having an affair and I stupidly would plea and vow my undying love and faithfulness.  Only to find out that because in her mind I had REALLY done all those things, she was lying and cheating. So... .she moved out.  We disengaged.  I again went thru therapy.  Feeling better... .feeling stronger than ever... .sent the "Happy Fall" email. And BAM!  Here we go again.  Honeymoon phase awesome... .lasted a whole week this time and already the lies and deception.  How many times is it going to take before I understand that by continuing to hit my head against the wall that it is going to eventually hurt just like all the other times? And in each break-up cycle, the accusations would build on the prior ones.  I think she keeps a list so that she can add to it and when I've had enough... .I get the... ."you've done this, and this and this, and this, etc." I really, really want to stay away this time. The past reconciliation started a week ago today, and already... .I broke it off because of lies. God help me to stay away. Stop the cycle.

For me, I moved 2000 miles to be with my exBPDg/f, and the first 3-4 months were the happiest of my life! Aboslutelt no doubt about it! I thought to myself, finally, finally, I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Then, she attempted suicide. Talk about being hit over the head with an anvil. I did not see this coming at all.

Then, the recycyling started. Over the next 18 months, there were 6-7 times that asked me to leave. And most of those times, by the next day, we sat down and discussed things calmly, rationally, and decided to work things out. I knew that my ex needed serious professional help. But never experiencing anything remotely like this, I lacked the skillset and ability to cope & understand her illness. I had no idea how bad off she really was.

About 2 months before the actual end of the relationship, she asked me once again to leave. This time, I said: Fine! I've had it with you, I can't live like this. I started the process of looking to move out and I figured I could have been out of her house within 30 days.

For the next 2 days, we spent at least 12 hours each day discussing why this relationship wasn't working, and what we could do to correct the issues. I tried my hardest to be loving, supportive and understanding to her illness. I would have done anything for this woman. In retrospect, I believe she realized that I was done playing her games, and that I most definately was leaving.

I also believe, she wanted the relationship to end on her terms, not mine. I had also suspected she was seeing another guy. I confronted her abuse the abuse she had endured in her life. She denied both of these claims repeatedly! Now that I have the knowledge or "recycling" under my belt, I will never go through this ever again. I know, never say never. But I mean NEVER!

The cost is just too great!

I'm in the 30 plus bracket.  I've been out for three months, it couldn't go back to even a dysfunctional, toxic relationship, it had been exhausted, played out, to that extent.  I had a nervous breakdown.  She seemed to move on quickly.  I had a crossed her boundary once, asking for a chat to resolve things on a friendly basis.  I couldn't stand her raging at me and leaving it like that.  She insinuated she had gone back to a previous non-serious ex (a *uck buddy).  It only sank in recently that this was what she had done, I realise now that this other woman was always her 'primary relationship'.  I believe it is as close to a person that she can get, without the full monty of BPD coming out.  It hurt to think that she always had another relationship open, and always will.  They have a kind of agreement.  So, on that last meeting, she played all these games, making me feel small and inadequate when I was ill, and relishing the fact that she was feeling well and sexy.  It was short lived, as I knew it would be, the last contact was her raging at me by email for something that didn't even happen. 

I have been left feeling really sexually inadequate.  The constant back and forths meant that she picked up more and more on my deep insecurities and in a mind game way twisted the knife in.  However, I do realise that I can sort this, and that maybe this is not a bad thing, since the nature of my 'locked in' emotions is now evident to me, and the source.  It makes me determined to heal.  I truly believe that she however will always be in denial.  I did derive some pleasure from this, I admit, in my initial anger.  However, I am moving to a place where I hope to be more at peace and wish her healing also.

Great topic.  In my three and a half year relationship with my BPDw we've probably broken up 6 to 8 times.  We've been married for 5 months and now seperated for four weeks, or longest seperation.  Usually our break ups last for a few days to a week, and then I usually initiate some form of apology, run to her and she comes back.  This time I have resisted doing that for fear she will do something really stupid to hurt me, like invent something to call the police over.  I had to call the police on her once when she was raging so badly, smashing some valuables in the house.  I think she just can't wait to call the police on me and get some kind of domestic violence charge thrown at me.  I've never given her a reason to call the police, but from what I hear and read, woman sometimes do this out of pure spite and she is a VERY spitefull person. 

I know I am insecure, afraid of being alone and codependent.  Its my fault I am still in this toxic r/s.  I need to find the strength to divorce her. 

 Sadly after a decade I have lost count... .not at all for the first two years,... then probably once a year for the next three years usually only for a maximum of one month - she would leave... .I would take her back... .usually by then I was just getting on my feet and I guess seemed attractive again! We split (she had a major breakdown and left) when I was pregnant with our son and that separation lasted a couple of months... .she came back... .then left 4 times in the first two years of our sons life... .I got used to it I guess... .and ironically I always moved out and left her in our home... .we reconciled and tried her having a separate house to come and go from a couple of days a week... .but sadly it never seemed enough for her. She has been gone and back numerous times in the past year (her behaviour got much worse after her sister was tragically killed in an accident)... .told me she had fallen in love with me all over again two months ago... .then a week later created an arguement... .left the house... .and then sent me an email saying she was moving as far away from me as possible and moved to Hong Kong. Came back for 3 weeks to live at home and be with me and our son... .slept with me etc etc and now has gone again saying its done for good... .god I need to get some self respect and move on... .trying to do so! Good to know although Im at the upper end of the scale Im not alone! 

I had about 4 break ups with my last upBPDbf.

The first 2 were reactions from him to blowouts we had. I worked out towards the end of the relationship that he needed to create a situation in his head where we were broken up as he felt this urge to go and do drugs/get drunk (all the things I 'disapproved of'. He would want me to hate his guts for a few hours/days - would want him out of the house so he would be vile to me. This isn't anything to do with me really, its a pattern he developed with his parents   and he would repeat this scene with me. Weird. It really was like I was mother and he was teenage son.  

In reality he was hitting full force dysregulation. Then he would come out of this/sober up and panic terribly that I wouldn't want him back and be full of remorse, but behave worse. Then he would break and crumble. I would feel sorry for him.

The last 2 break ups were his behaviour, but my decision. The 3rd one I knew I wanted out but I couldn't get him out of the house... .he had managed to trap me into a situation where I was tied to him. In the end the only way out was for me to leave with nothing. I don't think he actually ever expected me to do that. He realised I was terrified of leaving with nothing, so he tied himself to me. Financially, emotionally. He would go into a very dark place and threaten suicide. His fear of me his 'mother' (apparently I treated him better than his real, poss BPD mother ever did). He did once explain to me that he loved and hated me... .I was the mother he wanted, but with the motherly role came discipline, rules and boundaries, none of which he could tolerate so he would hate me for that.

First break-up was early in the r/s when something just didn't seem right with herred-flag  , ALWAYS trust your instincts.  She left crying but later came back claiming pregnancy (a lie).  But besides that the first 3+ months were bliss. 

The last 2+ months were hell.  She would leave me at least once a week expecting me to beg her to come back.  Told her early on that would never happen.  So she would come back with apologies and promises to seek treatment (she never did). 

Stopped counting at 10 breakups but there was probably at least 16.  She would often have a hissy fit, pack up her stuff, leave, and then come back twice in a week!  It's almost as if she just wanted drama and rough make up sex.  And her friend told me that during the breakups she was with my eventual replacement.     

None of my friends or family believed that we would ever really break up.  There was always another 'final' breakup followed by yet another reunion.  Truth of the matter is I pitied her and honestly wanted to help her get better.  So it was a mercy when she finally found another to fixate on.  Hard to admit but I was incapable of abandoning her, she had to set me free.

Looking back a person wonders how why they put up with all that b*ll ___? 

We had MANY break-ups, too many to count. Sometimes weekly.

Since the last one which was engaged by him (and reinforced by me) it's been 12 weeks - I had to count there and I can't believe it's been so long. He called every two weeks after break-up without me answering until the 26th of November when I answered. It gave nothing but a whole lot of grief, he was in the sad-puppy mode apologizing, taking responsibility and wondering how I was yada yada. I didn't let him say much though but spent 7 minutes hollering my anger out to him before I told him to f off and hung up. He sent a text some 30 minutes after that with wellwishes like "hope you have a good life I love you from the bottom of my heart". I didn't respond and since then it has been silent again.

I don't really know why we had all these cycles, but I wasn't very much better than he was for some time - ashamed to say. Small things easily become ":)on't contact me anymore". Silly it seems now but relationship was toxic. We had a somewhat serious breakup 1 year and 3 months ago engaged by me but I broke it after 3 weeks, I couldn't cope with the agonizing pain. I don't really know why this break-up this is different, but I think somehow I am different now than I was before. I started university last fall, met new friends, had people interested in me without ever being abusive and that made me feel stronger. The isolation I had during the time with him was being lifted and I think he was threatened by it aswell, me not really reacting to when he put a spanner in the works also.

It's still hard though, many things in my daily life that makes me miss him and want to re-engage but I still havent.

Dating: She ended up about 5 times in 3 months... more push as hard as she could and then she'd pull even harder.

She moved in with me into my home. I was never so happy. This was the woman I wanted. She wanted me and us. First six months: wonderful. Communication, discussions, plans, hopes, dreams, laughter, great sex, passion, compassion... you name it. Then on the 7th month... a switch flipped. Rages started over the silliest things. Her drinking increased, lies, deceit, anger, verbal abuse, physical attacks, cops at my house, she was arrested a few times, ... .each time I moved her out and said "ENOUGH"... she came back. Four times.

The last time I moved her out in July... I made it clear we were done and provided gathered proof to her infidelity, lies, forging my name on documents, deceit, (I had to keylog and record conversations in my home... it got to that point where I NEEDED proof because she was making me think I was going insane). When I had the proof, I moved her out.

It's been 6 months. Dont' see her coming back ever. She has already attached to several new hosts and formed a new skin with others.

He was with me for almost a year, was fantastic, like a honeymoon. Then poof he disappears out of my life for no apparent reason. Is gone three years never contacting me , then poof returns and calls me out of the blue. We began seeing one another again, but he disappears for a week then drops by for a few days and keeps repeating that pattern. Then he sees me every day for a few weeks , only at night though sleeping at my apartment and never on a weekend. he raged at me sept 28 and I was totally done gone, adios creepo ! I guess its been like 5 times. whats interesting to me is we had never had so much as a disagreement so I knew his leaving was never due to fighting. seemed he would just walk away.

I was with my exBPDbf for five years it was always me that tried to walk away oh so many times after being raged at or finding out about another girls he always managed to charm me back this time i believe is final sent a message saying we cant be friends anymore his simply reply by text was "ok no worries please send me my stuff back by post that you have left at your place please do not ring me or get in touch with me again my love for you has perished" he has never replied in this manor before always had an excuse to text or ring me.

Lets just say that I was in a wrecked place when I first met him. i was on drugs. I was desperate. I was a serial lier. But I changed my ways big time. I became his little stepford girlfriend. paid all my debt off. A car, and rebuilt my buisness and got a high paying position at a good company. I was trying to prove him wrong about who he thought I was so bad.


The first time we broke up because he didn't want to be in a relationship. I told him I thought I was pregnant to get him to take my calls. Then I realized i wasn't pregnant but by that time I thought I had him hooked. little did I know I was the one that go hooked.


The 2nd time I returned because i thought it was my fault since he found a pipe on me. He kicked me out of the house. I was not wearing any shoes.He took me to my car I had left at a bar.I was doing drugs. I stopped doing them and returned to him thinking this would make things good between us now.


The third time we broke up because he found out I had been talking to some guys at a party to score some dope. This was before he had found the pipe that I has been asking them. So at the time I had stopped using already. He packed up all my stuff and put it in a box outside the door. So I went back because I thought he had a right to be upset. & I wanted to prove to him that I was reformed.

The 4th time we broke up because he threw a party with strippers for his little brother and said that I couldn't come to the party. The day after the party we were supposed to hang out and he was not at my house at the time he said he would be so I drove over to his place and gave him the key to the house.

The 5th time we broke up because we were on our way to my families for easter and he was being rude and moody and I called him out on it and he got so pissed and turned the car around and dropped me off. He later said he didn't want to be in a relationship we broke up for 6 months. I took him back because I thought he had realized finally that he wanted to be with me.

The 6th time we broke up because we were looking to buy a house together and he then tells me he is buying that house just him and his dad. I will not be on the title. So I broke up with him. He didn't end up buying a house. We were broken up for 2 weeks.

The 7th time we broke up was because I found out that during those 2 weeks he hit on 2 girls. We were broken up for about 4 days. He then moved in with me and we didn't break up for 4 years.


The 8th time we broke up was this last time. We were looking to buy a house again and he flipped out from the stress and started giving me the silent treatment for 2 weeks and said that he did not know what he wanted anymore. I had a nervous breakdown and realized that I needed to kick him out. He tried getting me back and is still trying, but already has another girlfriend.

Oh boy, you described my relationship with my BPDGF to a tee. I can so relate. The thing that always put a smile on face was how my BPD was sick of drama and "wanted an adult relationship." I would quietly say to myself start acting like an adult and mabey we can.

In the 9 months or so I was with her, we must have recycled at least 15 times. I was always ready to move on, but she'd beg and plead with me over the phone to get back with her.

How many times did you get drawn back in and recycle?

4 times over 8 years. The longest stretch apart was almost 2 years. This time it lasted 8 months and I couldn't do it any longer. Finally too many times of my betrayal button being hit and enough time apart to know better. I sure wish I knew about this site after the 2nd break up though. 

Way too many times over the course of 18 years.

Alex: I am in the process of figuring that out. What I do Know is that after all that time I thought she had really changed. She had been in therapy for 2 years and a lot of her behaviors were no longer apparent. She was also on meds for her adhd which I was not aware of until she stopped taking them. I also was in a very vulnerable period and "poof" she appeared. My T says she is the ultimate Master of Manipulation. I also know that I was unaware of my own Co Dependence and at the time I was needing comfort. Part of my story is seeking (unknowingly at the time) chaos as a means of comfort due to my own abandonment issues. One other false belief I held was that we created all the damage to one another so we were the only ones that could heal it. I really believed this. Until now. Now I know healing from Co Dependence is not like allergy shots if you will. I can't build up an immunity by inflicting small doses of the allergen. Honesty and self awareness is the key. Had I not let denial creep in and was truly honest with myself, I knew better.   

Oh little update just did calculations and was up in the late 40s/early 50s 

After 2 years and lots of drunken abusive behaviors I pulled the plug.I didn't know about her cheating  and flirting and I thought if she stopped drinking all would be well.

During our 3 month break up I learned about BPD.Of course she lasted about a month after the break up before she was hooked up with someone else.I came back partially because  I thought the new guy would take advantage of her. lol

So the slate was wiped clean and we were starting out fresh.The new guy was now out of town for  several  months but I found out she was still calling him etc.She gave me several  lies about that.I fortunately now  knew about BPD and she was the poster child for a  BPD woman.

Last time I saw her she had another bar guy "friend",was still calling the new guy and looking for even more guys.Plus the drinking and abuse was still there.

That seemed to be the deal breaker for me  and haven't seen her for 6 months or talked to her for 5 months.

So I can say "only one time going back" but if it wasn't for this board who knows?

Thanks everyone!

twice as lovers, once as friends. We did have periods living together were we would barely talk to each other and not sleep in the same room

I wasn't so bad on this one.  *)

   

Once. I asked him to leave, apart for 1 month... Instead of listening to my intitution I took him back believing his words that he was going to work on his stuff and was no longer ambivalent...

Wife would threaten divorce about 2-3 times a year, maybe more. My mom later confessed that wife told her she did this to get me to do what she needed, for her to be OK. Later in r/s, when she threatened. I would tell her to do what she needed to, she was asking me to accomplish the impossible, I was burnt.

Must have been around 30.

The more intimate we got, the more frequent they got.

The first two years, when we were LD, afterthe first 3 quiet and wonderful months, it was about once a month, for minors blowup. Several "major" ones lasting at most 2 weeks.

When we became local, it became more frequent. They happened just after the times we would get very close. As the crescendo to his divorce was rising, the more frequent it became.

In the last 2 months, we couldn't go more than a week without a breakup. It became truly horrific. The worst part was, without any reason at all in my mind.

-The first eight months with her were the most incredible of my life, and the last three were hell on Earth.  I break up with her, and she returns two months later as if nothing had ever happened.

-One month of utter hell.  I leave her again.  She returns two months later as if nothing had ever happened.

-Three-and-a-half amazingly good months before the insanity commences again.  At the first sign of nonsense, I start to pull away.  Two days later, she breaks up with me…sort of.  We drag it out with LC for two months. She wants to remain in contact after the break-up, and I say no.  I get tired and frustrated with her dithering, and ask her to never contact me again.

- ?  Who can say, but I wouldn't be shocked if I received a call from her within the next year.

The first time this happened, she also talked and acted as if nothing happened. I asked her to please please talk about it and open up. The first time that I (as a GUY and a introvert one for that matter) pleaded a GF to talk and please open up.

One of the last conservations we had as a romantic couple was her explaining she can't talk about her true emotions, because it hurts so much to talk about it. This I think was very true. I still think she was/is afraid that showing her inner core will scare people of.

Two times she slipped though after we broke up, when she said she always feels so empty and that she has a real fear of abandonment.

This is the first time I have left UBPDH .

I was forced socially to have spome contact with him through spiritual ceremonies/etc.

It made me weaker, mushy boundaries, made me temporarily hopeful and less in reality about the truth.

fortunately he treated me like s**** last Sunday at the very end when I tried to say goodbye and Hug him (STUPID me... .I have a no contact order to PROTECT me from him)... .a good reminder.

Staying with as little contact as I could squeak by with for this week has been a tremendous help to breking my addictive/ grieving feelings that make me fantasize.

just one week of distance made a huge difference for me!

I noticed today I remember the worst things. The things that keep me away and committed to keeping dd away as much as possible which is not possible as he has got equal res. time through the courts.

gagme

I am so grateful to remember the truth.

He has not been safe for us. we were all physically ill by the time i left.

I am prayiong for an opening in my brain and the universe for a miracle.

A way to document the truth.

the truth is very different than the things I tell myself when I am imagining some way we could possiblty work it out.

Im rambling.

Just struck at how powerful NC is at reducing the symptoms, and keeping my head clear YIPPEE!

And I have to see him for 4-5 days this coming week.

I have big resolve inside to remain NC.

It will require me expressing my ned for support in boundary setting from the larger community, and that is just how it is.

They contributed to our sickness last week with their denial, and it seems as part of my maturioty out of oz is requiring this very high level of boundary setting.

Some lesson about teaching MYSELF this?

Like if I dont advocate for myself noone else will, even if it does make others uncomfortable. the passive approach did not serve me, MY boundaries got walked all over!

Of the 6.5 years that we were together, she broke up with me 5 times. I recently found out that although during those in between times (we were only broken up for about two weeks at a time, the longest being separated for three months), she had tried to hook up with someone else! This last time almost three months ago was the final break up because days after we split she was already sleeping with the neighbor.

The truth of the matter was that every time she split with me, it was me that changed her mind and asked her to come back! I really loved her and thought she was the "one", but the truth is I was always chasing the ghost of who she presented herself to be the first year of our relationship. I mean she was so intoxicating and amazing. It was like a drug. I could not believe I had found someone who was so wonderful to the extreme to me. That should have been my first red flag. I did not want to lose that person she had been. Unfortunately I hardly ever saw that ghost through the years. The ghost would make an appearance once in a while to keep me interested, hopeful and addicted. That's why I could never leave. If she had not split with me this last time and found someone new, I would have still been trying to make this relationship work with someone who had no interest or capability of putting forth the work and dedication it takes. I also had no idea that she could possibly be BPD. Once I started reading literature and seeing more and more similarities with others who were with or had been with BPD partners, I started putting two and two together. I am 90% sure my ex is BPD. It's hard to admit that no matter what I would have done, chances are our relationship would have ended anyway.  :'( Now I have to detox.

So many times that my friends and family don't even want to hear about it any more.  And, I don't blame them.

They think I have lost my mind.  I did, for a while, no doubt about it.  Now, I want her out, and can't make it happen.  Before, she was hopping in the car and taking off for her mother's or daughter's at the slightest argument.  I think she senses that I am hoping she will leave one more time, and that is what is keeping it from happening right now.

She said she was leaving to go the her mother's today, and I said, "Okay, if that's what you want to do, you should do it."  Next thing, she says she is staying. 

I need to beg her to stay, I think, to get her to leave (that always worked before when I didn't want it to    :)).

Relevant topic this one. One of the hardest things about being involved with a BPD is the constant break ups.

My ex has been away from me for eighteen months and it would be easy to say that the cycle is over. It may well be and that is good news. However, we have a child together and I haven't seen him for a long time.

She and her "saviour" parents have painted me black so it is unlikely she will return because she believes her own lies and has probably smeared me to everybody in her orbit. I have to wonder if there is a part of her that knows she is lying about me?

We must have broken up between 15 and 20 times. I've really lost count but can remember the situations well and have written many of them down due to my disbelief at what was happening.

One of you mentioned feeling sexually inadequate. I believe that is how she feels. My ex gave me one hell of a going away present before she placed an order on me. She came back and shagged me five or so times and was more confident that ever before. She pretended to love me and acted like she was in a relationship approved by her parents. She even asked me if we could go to church. God knows what sick plan she had in the back of her mind when she took out the order on me. I called her before I received it to ask why she was abandoning me and that she was over reacting and she told me it doesn't matter now because she can't go back. She was talking about the order as she took it out that day. It was so nice to know that I meant so much to her. Basically I was her human vibrator.

The sexual issues are hers. Don't let your ex confuse you about who you are. They love that. She told me I had issues all the time and it was projection. I'll never forget a couple of things she said to me before she bailed. The first one was "it doesn't matter who you sleep with as long as they can bring you to orgasm" nicely placed at the end of a phone conversation. Sweet dreams. And the other was the last time we were together, which was "never, ever, ever, leave me." Now that was whacked!

Hello all,

I have experienced the same fate as all of you. A total of 4 times in three years. 1st time was about a year into the relationship. After the first 6 months this animal was talking about marriage and children and so on and so on. She left blaming me for everything. 3 weeks later she came crawling back asking me to change but I did not know what to change. She said I was a compulsive liar. When asked her to give me one thing I lied about (cause it was never brought to my attention EVER) she had no examples , but I took her back because I thought it could be worked out. 2ND time, pretty much the same thing or that's what she said. 3 weeks later she came crawling back saying she couldn't live with out me yad yada yada. 3rd time she left after a fight and 3 days later moved in with another guy, I started to move on. She told me she was getting married and all this crap. 3 weeks later low and behold she is calling me again telling me she knows for a fact I am the one and she doesn't want to be with anyone else. I started to notice that she left every time I would express my opinion about something she did that I didn't like. (boundaries) EXAMPLE... The 4Th and last time she left me was a little over 3 months ago 9/16/2011... She had went on my facebook page and deleted all the female friends That were on there and forbidded me to talk to them. Some of these people were friends of mine for 20 years , married with kids. I said okay well the same is going to go for you (she was famous for being a hippocrit and doing things she told me not to do). So during one of our breakups she had a male friend who I knew but he wasn't my friend he was hers, she slept with him while we were broken up and when I found out I told her she was not going to continue to speak with him and she agreed. Well, about three days before the break up I went out of town for work and called to see how she was doing, she nonchalantly says "oh I am by my friend Gregs house washing clothes. Now this animal just deleted all my Friends that I had no sexual relations with and she has the nuts to go hang with this dude when she knows what kind of problems it caused and could not understand why I was mad. It is like she was a complete retarded person. So all hell broke loose. The fighting the name calling and just about everything flying but the kitchen sink, she finally left. I found out 3 days later she moved in with yet another guy and went about 2 months with him then they split up for a week now she is back with him again. But since she left I have barley heard from her at all unlike the first 3 times. I hope I never hear from her again cause she is starting the cycle all over again but I don't think I will hear from her. It was like she just erased me from her mind.  These people need to be put in jail if they refuse treatment.

Oh , I almost forgot, The reasons I went back the first 2 times was I really and truthfully thought she was the one and at the time I knew nothing about BPD and thought things could be worked out. The 3rd time I was so mind fcked thinking It was my fault I tried to make everthing right that was already fkn right. There will not be a fourth time thanks to these boards after digging through all the sht this animal has put me through I can finally see she was the problem not me.

Thanks for letting me vent, feels good.

Pleas keep posting and learning it does wonders for everyone.

This thread is so interesting.

We broke up three times. The first time he left me very suddenly after almost 14 months together. I came home and all his stuff was gone. He left a note telling me why he was leaving. I later found out he had lined up an old girlfriend who he got back together with seven hours after breaking up with me. He was engaged to her about a month later. Just over three months later he had broken up with her and returned to me. I took him back because I loved him and I was devastated.

Almost six months later he left me again suddenly. His stuff was gone from my place. He e-mailed me a long note. I wasn't as devastated the second time because I no longer was wearing my heart on my sleeve for him. However, the following week we got back together. I took him back because I still loved him.

Four months later I left him after his behaviour got increasingly miserable and abusive. I suspect he was trying to line up a replacement for me. I simply didn't answer his last abusive email to me.

That was three months ago. I hear from him once in awhile now. I believe he's in a new relationship. I still love him, but I love myself more so I have no desire to get back together with him. I wish him all the best.

The recyle I am most disgusted with myself for is the last one.

We were completely separated, and she wanted a divorce, and I did, too.  The only think that was holding me up from filing was getting the money together for it.  I was living with my mother, who was begging me to go no contact with her, she was living with her mother.

For reasons, I can't explain, I started missing her.  Even when I was writing down what a hellish two years it had been in my journal, and ordering myself not to contact her, I started contacting her.  Why, I don't know.  I think I was looking for closure, but I really don't know.

The next think I know, I was getting sucked back in.  I told her I would keep talking to her but not move back in for at least several months.  She insisted on us getting back together right away, she missed me so bad, she was wrong, etc. etc. etc.  My mother thought (and still thinks) I have lost my mind.  So do all my friends and family.  They all begged me to stay separated, including my best friend of fifty years who told me I was ruining my life.

I finally packed my stuff up, and headed back to our place, (that would have been so easy to get out of, no lease).  I was actually excited about seeing her again.

Well, the good time lasted a little less than 48 hours before we were right back at it.   She started accusing me of everything she could think of, including my seeing other girls while we were separated (projection, anyone?)

I still stuck it out, and even went along with her desire to get another, nicer place, a week later (I really am crazy, I have decided).  As soon as we were in the new place, she unleashed it all.

Now, she is in bed most of the time, only coming out to tell me she wants a divorce (please, please) then goes back to bed, comes out like everything is fine, goes back to bed, comes out and wants to tell me how messed up I am, goes back to bed, ad nauseum.

All, because, I couldn't stay NC.

But, the FOG is gone, and the FOG is simply still loving and caring about them, (and I don't anymore) and I have realized that until the FOG is gone, you will recycle, or at least attempt to recycle.

This is very informative, shocking when I step back and think about all the relationships over my life span.

50 years, pre-BPD, perhaps a total of three break up/make ups, non of which were in any way hostile.

4 years with a BPD, probably 7 or 8 explosive, unbelievably hostile, devastating break ups involving countless false accusations towards me as well as countless character assassinations. She would turn me into a monster, then when we "hook up" again, incredibly wonderful... .for a time, but over time, the wonderful times diminished to mere days.

I'm still in shock!

He very well might be feeling your loss and want you back. Do you think it has more to do with meeting his needs or yours? How long do you think the 9th honeymoon will last?  Hope and uncertainty die a long cruel death in these relationships. Of course you know all this Marcie. Stay strong. Embrace your future not your past.

Best wishes,

OTH

well she got me again. 3 years and 4 breakups. the 4th breakup was 4 months ago. about 3 weeks ago she tracked me down at a bar and made some excuse to see me ( She just admitted it) well 2 weeks after tracking me down and telling me she is pregnant with the guy she took off with days after we split, calls me out the blue crying and telling me this guy is hitting her and threatening her family with death threats (which is true, I talked to her dad. She had no place to go so I took her to one of our friends house and spent 5 days with her. She was so sweet telling me all the things she did wrong and the blaming she put me through.

Was telling me she loved me (keep in mind she thinks its over between the new guy at this point). told me she was getting an abortion and all this stuff. Told me she wasn't thinking clearly when she got prego from this guy she only has known for 4 months now.

At the end of the 4th day she started talking to this guy and some how he talked her into coming back. well she changed into a different person. She lied and told me he was going to let her stay there and he was going to move so I called her out on it and she immediately told me not to call her or text her that she didnt need anymore problems in her life. Me who saved her asz from having to sleep on the street, fed her, my friend said she could stay there as long as she wanted... NOW I AM THE PROBLEM. What a joke. When he beats the crap out of her again she better not call me, I may go help him. lol jj

     It's been 3 times for me in the last 2 years, thought I dont know if I should really count the first time as that was my doing. We had been dating for only a few months and I was unaware of her condition. All I knew is she was going thru a really tough time and it was to much for me to handle so like a coward I ran away. The next two times we broke up was because she cheated. I'm in a NC stage with her right now. I'm not sure how long it will last. Maybe a couple weeks , maybe forever. I still love her with all my heart, but I know what shes doing isnt right. Maybe with her continuing treatment we can make it work or maybe this is the end who knows.

    Its scary yet strangly comforting when I see the survey, 34% have broken up 3-5 times and I'm one of them. I dont know if its because in some weird way it makes me feel normal or just comforting to know I'm no longer alone. There are others who have, and are going thru the same thing I am right now.

what does everyone classify as a break up, how long? ... there times where we'd be broken up for 20 mins but still be in the car together only to make up...

Erm. Dunno.  Depends.  If you count demands for divorce, probably 100+.  If you count decisions to divorce that last more than 24 hrs, probably 3.  If you count decisions to divorce that last more than 48 hrs, probably 0.

--Argyle

Perhaps this is the best thread Ive read so far.

I voted 6-10.

Not sure what exactly would qualify as a break-up. But I think a serious decision to divorce ... .that has been more than 6 times and less than umpteen, so i guess I fall in the 6-10 category.

My husband is trying to recycle me in, and Im kind of numb to all  apologies, promises and big talk placing me on a pedestal once again.

Right now am on anti-depressants and not sure what to make of myself or the future or the present for that matter.

thoroughly confused.

probably 3 on my side. the first one she wanted some space which i gave to her and it lasted 5 hours. the other time is lasted for 4 days and the next is the present break up which is 2 months... .

We fell into a cycle of breaking up or at least blowing up to the point of breaking up at least 20 times in two years of a two and a half year relationship. Recycled after the last proper break of seven weeks in the autumn - I was completely lovebombed before the usual metaphorical hit the proverbial after three weeks and I got out. One month NC now and I know (with my heart and mind) that this is permanent. I've spent this month exmaining myself whereas during the seven week break I was examining her and turning over all that was wrong (believe me, as I'm sure you do, that there was lots wrong!) with the r/s. It'as about me now, not her or "us", and I really do think all this work is making me a better, more centred and more self-aware person. I'm detoxing myself emotionally, letting go of all the emotional ballast she got me to carry and slowly, slowly, slowly feeling so much more buoyant with a lighter step and head held higher. My friends have said they can see "me" coming back to them, a little more appearing gradually with each day and that makes me so very happy. I look back on the Saturday I left her. She was holding onto me, trying to kiss me, saying she loved me and I was inert, impassive. I didn't look back as I walked away; I just heard her voice fading away as she stood at her door proclaiming her undying love until all that was left was silence. That's where I am now. Silence, with a growing sense of calm and tranquility. I say to those who are only just facing the reality of detachment and the excruciating pain it brings that you too will one day be in that place. I look forward to seeing you there and I may even buy you a beer  Hi! 

OH shoot... I was hoping to just get the "unhealthy" badge... .now I guess I'm into (wow) if I use Green Mango's operational definition... .If I factor in that 6-8 were just this year when we abandoned the No Break up edict. Plus the 3 prior "Biggies" thats 11... and during the other 'on's' there must have been, wow I didn't even count them.

I guess that is why 10+ is "WoW" *whimper*

I consider myself one of the fortunate ones. 2.5 years and probably at least another ten years NC. A most welcome change from the 10+ inside whatever one wants to call the attempted "bond or connection" with her. Hindsight and letting go has clarified so much for me. It is truly amazing to contemplate the involvement, but I have certainly learned valuable lessons.

10+ here.   1-2 times per year over a span of 12 years. Fun times.

Love this thread and some of the comments. Sometimes we do not know when we break up or if it is a break up. Towards the end I just let her decide whatever we are. One night she asked me "what are we doing... .  what is this... .  where are we". I replied "I don't know... .  you have been the one who always decides so I gave up figuring it out". Wrong answer! haha.

On serious note, it is unhealthy for us. But why do we let it happen to us? Are we that blindly and deeply in love, is it because we do know BPDs are suffering too and therefore we let them back. Or is it because there was something with us in the beginning or along the way in the BPD relationship we lost our own self-respect. I have been wondering about it.

Are we in love with the idea of what love should be? Are we truly at our best around these people? I for one can say emphatically, no. I have had my life back for three years and have reached a reasonable place. I am not completely healed and learning of her recent marriage has me questioning again. My self respect went out the window clinging onto the love game. I wanted to believe the side of her that echoed loving sentiments and provided intense romance. I held onto this for too long believing it was the real her. The other side was cruel and horrible. Either way, the amount of break ups were staggering.

30+ here and that is in less than a year. WOW is right. I am shocked at just how badly my situation really is

My diagnosed BPD now ex again have recycled well over 30 times in 3.5 years... The longest break was 2.5 years no contact... . I am trying to break free from this horrible pain as we speak...

I'm embarrassed to say it's more times that I can remember over the past three years, so well more than 10 - maybe 20; who knows.

Why did I go back, why did I let him come back?

He's the most eloquesnt liar I have ever met.  It also brings to light that I'm terribly naive and much work to do on myself to stop this cycle.

I made a list of the good times and bad times, WOW what a slap in the face that is to look at what I wrote down.

Made me sick to see what I've been putting myself through for a chance at a good time that might only last for two weeks to a month at the most.

How did I finally understand that he does in fact have BPD?

As he stood in front of me crying he stated "I've never had anyone love me as much as you and I was always afraid you'd leave me."

Done with that.

We had one short (less than a week) break up and talked the whole time.  This time it's been six weeks and nada.  No recycling attempt.  We've talked and he's sent a lot of mixed messages but has not asked me to come back.  I don't think mine does that.  When he's done he's done.  Or he's too afraid I (or whomever) is going to say no. 

Our first break up was when he broke up with me a month into the relationship saying he couldn't see us as a long term relationship.  I was stunned. I thought everything was going well ! I told him he was wrong and making a mistake.  Then came an email from his other woman that i didn't know about. Then i understood.  He claimed to end it with her and chose me saying she was insensitive to me for emailing me about their relationship.  I defended her.  I did not respond to her because i was shocked and couldn't bear it and believed his story about how he had just met her and hadn't decided between us yet and felt shame for being selfish.  He had told me that i was the only one initially.

Then he whisked me off to a therapist to work it out between us vowing to build trust in our relationship but he kept betraying me.  I broke up with him a couple of times when I caught him on dating sites and i went back buying into the story of his problem with needing attention from other women and feeling fear of being abandoned by me. I was totally committed to working things out and did not give him any signs of otherwise so I could not understand it.

anyway, he would break off with me and withdraw for days all of the time claiming he needed space to take care of himself.  I would freak out and eventually i learned to calm down but never felt safe emotionally. I could never understand what i was doing to make him go away all of the time.

We talked alot about our issues of abandonment and I thought we were breaking through things and deepening our relationship and building trust but he kept doing things that were uncomfortable and hurtful thus my trust with him would take another hit.  Then i would get punished for not having trust in him.  I kept going back.

He had a pattern of going away and slowly sending affection again to hook me back in.  I kept going back.

I was told to have courage and work through things. I felt bad about myself that I just could never feel strong enough to trust this relationship.  He said he had healed his issues for the most part and I was the one that wasn't healing. My behavior was not healthy either. I became very suspicious always looking around the corner for the next betrayal or lie... . that must have been difficult for him too. and exhausting yet even if he wasn't doing anything he would say things about other women that were suggestive or chain yank on my insecurities and all sorts of cruel behavior  i would go right back into fear again and react.

It was a very sick dynamic.

This time tho, after many goodbyes on text and wondering if they were just the same old behaviors or just drunk texts i decided to stop looking for excuses for it and accept it . I thought , you know, even if you are drunk you are still saying goodbye even if its just another recycle pattern or a drunk angry reaction you still said it and I am not going to enter into another one of these excruciatingly painful cycles again. I made too many excuses for both of us , hoped and waited for healthy resolve and it never changed.

This time i stepped out of the triangle.  I am hurting and honestly the unhealthy part of me wants to go back in... that is the truth... the healthier side knows that i cannot.  Its like a terrible addiction that i must break so I doing my best right now.

I'm after the second break up right now, even though I promised myself not to get involved with her again I did... . But she was admitting to all her wrongs, seeing a shrink and taking meds, so I thought ok, under these conditions I might give it another chance.

Things were much more peaceful between us but then she started to become very depressed and crying all the time. When I asked her 'what's wrong?' she couldn't answer and after a while I became indifferent to my woman crying and I hated that. Then one day she said 'I'm leaving' and that was that, the day after she left and I'm sitting here 

I voted None.  There has been some recycling but it's being done by her and her ex.

Ive been recycled 5 times. This last time she said I disgusted her blah blah blah blah. Said to lose her number, she said she lost mine. I was apparently the 3rd wheel no 4th spoke in her wheel. I thought she was only with me. She was still seeing her ex. she brought in some other guy I busted her with twice... . the 2nd time was just last week.

I called her out. Read her the riot act. She cried... . told her to read up on BPD... she was clinical. Ripped into her psyche. She realized she couldn't manipulate me anymore so... . once again... . she goes NC on me. Not a word. Haven't seen her for two weeks. Told her to get help and that if she did I would consider talking to her... . Instead of owning her behavior, pathological lying and cheating, and manipulating. Projects it all on to me... . tells me I disgust her. Mind you last even the day before this conversation on the phone she said she loved me but realized I would never believe anything she said again.

I know shes toxic. I know shes gonna destroy me. But shes so sexy, body and face... . and when shes sweet... . its unreal.  Im pretty sure shes done. I should be done. I need to be finally done. I wonder if shes gonna contact me... . can you believe that? Im a shell of who i was.

omfg, I can't believe people are being recycled more than 2 times. didn't you learn anything or are you just too caught up with your co-dep? Either way you're doing it wrong, pore sobs

I know... . ive finally had it. She went silent. Im stucking to nc. But part of me wonders if shes going to conact me again. Honestly i want her to. But equally i dont ever want to see her again. My seemingly endless capacity for suffering is over.

 :) I dunno I went through 40+ recycles and I don't think that helped my emotional state at all.

I had the chance to end it after the 1st cheat 11 years ago. I chose to go back. Hindsight is 20/20. If I hadn't I wouldn't have had a beautiful son

It's been 3,5 months now. So far, i haven't been recycled.

Hi all

Think I might have previously posted on this topic, (but cannot remember!)

Anyway, together from March 2010-June 2013, he did the Silent Treatment on me for 4 months until late November 2013, (after a last physical assault on my life in June 2013). Although I had plenty of hang up calls/a newspaper clipping in the mail/him prowling around at night when he found out my son in law was working remotely again, during his hiatus.

He manipulates his way back into my home/heart/life late November, and by March this year I finally said ENOUGH and called it quits, going NC after a last call to the Police because he was being violent/threatening and harassing me at work continually.

In June I was shocked to hear his voice on my mobile, but this was only so he could snarl and shout blame at me over why it didn't work out, (as if he had dumped me!)

I was never going to get the closure I wanted, we all know this.

I went back to trying to recover, forward and backward at any given time, (still the same).

Come August, and I am driving back from picking up stock for my business, ironically, my elderly friend who is with me, is asking me about my exBP. I am rabbiting on about something that happened once, and next thing as I am pulling up to the lights, I hear a short toot, and look behind/beside me, there is BP stopped in the next lane, (but going straight through, whilst I am turning left).

I realise he is looking down and over, (straining to see who is in my passenger seat). The lights change, and he drives on as do I.

I realise that my heart is palpitating heavily with shock and alarm, but keep driving on, continuously checking to see if BP is zooming up behind me, both fearing that yet hoping for it at the same time, (stupid huh?)

Finally I realise he is not following, and feel a mixture of sadness, yet relief over this, and continue on the journey home.

My elderly cynical friend is verbally/cheekily analysing my response to seeing my ex, which annoys me, and makes me wish I was alone in my vehicle.

I keep checking my phone for several days/weeks. Nothing, but do not make contact myself.

One morning early at work, my phone rings, (6am), I am awaiting a call over a business matter, and seeing a mobile calling, answer my phone. I get a shock hearing BP's voice, after all, he was with me for 4 years off and on, and spent most of that time insisting he couldn't afford phone credit, so always rang from phone boxes, which would appear on my mobile as 'Blocked' or 'Unknown'.

He wants to chat, (saying someone tried to stab him) but I tell him I will have to call him back, and ponder whether I want to in the time I take to finish my urgent work task before morning tea.

I feel guilty, and call back, immediately hearing about this latest drama, however the truth about what happened comes out later, and it turns out that BP was the one who produced a weapon first, (why am I surprised?)

BP talks about himself for several hours, his opinions,  his thoughts, his life, and then turns his attention to what I have been up to.

Tells me that 'he left' because he thought I was dating my friend Robert, (um I actually left you didn't I?)

I tell him that NO, I am not dating Robert, or anyone else for that matter.

He then asks if I slept with anyone, from March-August, (specifically Robert), again I say NO, only this time, I am actually lying.

I return the question, he says NO, (and I know for sure he is lying too like he always did over his own faithfulness).

He wants to prattle on about how tragic it all is that we didn't work out, and how hard he tried, and how he was only 'homeless' after he was with me, (that's yet another lie he tells to his new targets for company/attention).

I cannot believe he is saying this, and almost choke.

But I realise how dishonest he is, and always has been, and how stupid I was believing in his being honest and forthright for so long.

He tells me he loves me, and I say I love him too, (insert tears here).

Over the next few days, he wants to talk to me again every day, and I do, but he doesn't want to meet up in person, only wants to talk over the phone, asking for my help, but when offered free of strings, doesn't want me to come assist him, (I have to wonder why if we are only friends?)

Over the following week after he made contact, I begin to feel weighted down listening to his never ending opinions again, about my life, my job, my family, all negative, and actually nasty.

Not once do I advise him, or give my opinions about his life.

After the week is over, he requests that I keep calling him, and wants me to call/message him Goodnight, he says that if he doesn't answer that this is OK, his phone might not be charged etc.

Oddly enough, his phone was never available at nights, despite his 'living in his car and his phone being only centimetres away, and he is available 24/7 to me always was/is', (his words).

He went back to living in his car in September last year apparently, after his elderly parents had enough of his violence/aggression/sense of entitlement. He had spent 16 months living in their shed-room outside, (for free), and it was only another of the times he had returned to their generosity over his adult life.

After meeting and being friends with me for several months, he lived at my home for 2 years off and on for free too, nothing he ever did or gave was consistent, and I never asked him for rent/board either.

To this day, he would rant to me/others about how much he did for me, and how much he gave, (all rubbish of course).

It was truly severely unbalanced and weighed towards me to provide him with everything, (or his parents).

So, to cut a too long story short, I am disgusted of how many breakup makeup cycles we had.

I liken his act to that of a strung out meth addict, cycling through withdrawl every 3-4 days.

I am still suffering from the aftermath, and wonder if I will ever be better.

Would I want to go back? NO

Do I still pine after this maniac? Yes, ARGGHHHHHHH

While I could have and wanted to recycle I stuck with 1 boundary. She had to give me a face to face heartfelt sincere apology. It never happened and neither did the recycle.

I had 10 or so recycles.

Actually, in the beginning of the relationship after the first few weeks it was me who pushed her away. I couldn't really put my finger on it but something felt wrong. The intense love bombing, the always complaining about other people, the fact that she said a lot but didn't had a lot of interesting stuff to say, the fact that she would freak out (argue, scream and/or cry) when I wanted a day for myself... .all these red flags made it feel so intense that I couldn't cope with it.

She upped the love bombing after the break, becoming almost obsessive about me, ringing on my doorbell in the middle of the night. That made me feel like I was important for this girl, she put me on a pedestal. I took her back.

The 10 or so recycles... .well, the break ups and recycles were done by the both of us. Usually after each honeymoon phase there was so much pointless arguments, we trying to 'win' the arguments, that it just wasn't sustainable. She made me feel insane and brought out the worst in myself. Then after 2 to 6 weeks of little to no contact, one of us would rekindle the fire again. I would usually try first, and fail, being painted black seemingly beyond repair. Then after some weeks she started hinting at missing me, doing some things that she knew I would see and would melt my heart. I fell for it each time.

I'm out now, 6 weeks and counting. Its hard. But Im still painted black, which helps. I hope that she won't ever try it again, because I know I'm weak for her. The best thing you can do is live life well, so that when they do come back, you can just laugh about it and move on.

No recycles with my exBPDbf, and no attempts after 9+ months, although he has contacted me several times. One of his exes is dead and one won't talk to him, but I know he reaches out to his other exes. He doesn't typically recycle an old long-term r/s, but he goes through a rotation of regular casual hookup partners.

There are five legitimate break-up/make-ups that I can recall in my 10 year relationship.

The first three were during the first year we were dating (still in college) with the break-ups lasting no more than a couple days.  These were all red flag events that should have had me running for the hills.  That said, I was young, the sex was good, and I attended a college with a 4:1 guy to girl ratio.  In retrospect, I had plenty of options, but didn't want to give up what I saw as a good thing.

Fourth break-up came a little over a year in.  She had become extremely erratic and was raging on a near daily basis.  We were living apart at the time due to internships/work, and I simply told her it was over until she got some help.  We went NC for about 3 months during which time she began therapy/medication.  We re-initiated a long-distance relationship the following spring.  Though she still had her issues, the improved stability from the medication gave me a false sense of hope that she was actually improving.  I moved out to her after leaving grad school a year later, and we eventually got engaged.  I spent plenty of time ignoring more red flags in the interim (even if they were more subtle than before) and guess I can attribute it to a fear of being alone and the fact that I loved her.

Fifth and final break was her filing for divorce at the end of last summer and me sticking to it when she tried to change her mind about it a few months later.  She had been away more than 50% of the time during the year prior, and I believe that allowed me to begin the process of detachment in a way I hadn't been able to before.  Some shifts in her personality/priorities as she progressed in DBT also played a role.

**Note:  On a number of occasions during our married life, she announced she was leaving (during an argument), but I would not qualify these as break-ups.  She would occasionally pack a bag, hop in the car and leave, but was always back within a few hours.  They were more about her seeing how I would respond.  As I never made an effort to chase her down (what she was hoping for), she'd always just come home and refuse to speak to me for a few more hours.

No recycle, however as far as I know she hasn't recycled anyone in the past 10 years. I think that she did the recycle thing back in her earlier relationships when she was younger. I just think that she has evolved in how she handles her relationships. From what I've been told by her, her recycle attempts with her sons father didn't turn out well for her.

My parents have been married 60 years. They set the example of the "fairy tale marriage" - and I know it has not been easy for them, and I guess my mother was a little neurotic, and my dad was the rock. I wanted so much to be like my dad. . .

(mom is now suffering from a difficult form of Alzheimer's, my dad has his own issues, and taking care of her is killing him. I don't know who is going to die first - her from the disease, or him from taking care of her, above his own needs. . . )


In some cases, it was because I felt safe, because I bought into lies.  Ridiculous lies. I believed a liar. I felt safe. For a while. Until the truth came out.  Eventually, I got so used to feeling un-safe, that just became my normal state.  Obviously codependency played a huge role.




This used to be my overriding fear.  Now I *crave* alone-ness. I want to be alone more than almost anything.  I am terrified of weekends now.


I'm not sure.

I stayed with my first uBPDgf, far longer than I should have, because I was afraid to be alone. I was at an age where I was in a group of college friends. All of my previous social groups had disbanded, so I was becoming pretty clingy to that group. (I see that now).  And 2 by 2, they were pairing-off, getting married and starting families.  I saw my older siblings doing that, as well.  I was afraid of being left as the "odd-man-out". 

She left me, eventually. She painted me black, and found another guy. (and after that, went from guy to guy for the next 20+ years).

My next gf was also likely uBPD.  My spidey sense went off, (and there was infidelity on her part) and I left her.

My next gf was apparently normal. Normal relationship stuff. That was a good r/s. Still; there was infidelity on her part. And I left her.

My next gf was my uBPD wife.  Intense and maniacal. That first few months was incredible. She was cheating on her exH; but had conned me into believing that they were separated. (they weren't). We got pregnant, so she left him, and we decided to get married. It was the right thing to do; I guess.  But after moving in, a lot of these mood issues started to happen. I just thought if I tried harder, I could FORCE it to work.  I thought that if we split up, I would be a single dad, not a great paying job (at the time), and I had started to gain some weight. So I was afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. (and she told me that's what would happen to me after she left).  Every fight we had, it was always her - - - waving the threat of divorce in my face. (and child support/alimony/etc). I was terrified of that life. Terrified of the shame at facing my family. Terrified of losing my kids.

After several instances of infidelity - I found ways around those fears. I was in better shape, physically, and financially.  And the kids were older. And in many respects, I was more afraid of being with her, than I was of being alone.  After a while . . . being alone seemed like a huge relief as compared to trying to live with her.

So maybe I had abandonment issues earlier. But I overcame them.


This was a fear for a while. (see above)

I am at an age; I see the singles scene among guys my age.  I don't really have hang-ups about dating women with some miles on them.  (as long as they aren't personality-disordered).  And I will have no qualms about putting myself first, and staying alone, if that's how things work out for me.


Financial issues have been a fear for a very long time for me.  And I think divorce is going to be a huge, costly pain in the ass. I am afraid I'm going to lose my house, and end up with a gigantic glob of debt. I don't care if I have to sell my car and live in a trailer for a few years, though. I can live cheap, and the things I love to do are relatively inexpensive.  So these fears that used to plague me have mostly melted away.

I am still afraid of disappointing my parents. (there's that codependency thing again. . . )

Every recycle gotten shorter and more pain for me, The last one lasted only 2 days

its been about 10 plus x, just ridiculous.  some of it my own undoing.  but whatever.

after throwing all her crap out of my car, i was just like idc.  its just tiresome... .

its whatever, its emotionally draining... .

Mine has not come back or has tried. In her mind breaking up is a finality despite what she actually feels. She cannot handle the stress of trying to "work it out".

I guess we are not walking now, she never responded to our plans.

Always wondered if the breakup cycles this poll refers to is an actual break up or includes periods of no contact/distancing?

Before this person I had never gone through any make-up/break-up cycle. Whenever I broke up with someone before, that was it - no further contact until years later, possibly.

With this person, it has been 6 or more times - being pushed away, then pulled back. I acknowledge my role in it - and am learning more why I got so invested and sucked in.

According to them it was all my doing, I trapped them and manipulated them into getting involved with me - even me implanting psychic hooks into them.

Last I heard they are getting a restraining order against me - I have no interest in maintaining contact with them, so regardless of how that goes, it will not affect my future. It is just hurtful and unnerving.

I have a mildly BPD ex.

At first she would push me away, saying she didn't want to do a long term relationship. We would message later in the day, and then spend the night together.

Then when I wouldn't fully commit (due to her behaviour), she dumped me in a big dramatic move. Then I begged her to take me back, which she did.

Then I told her I needed space, she begged me to take her back. She put me under pressure for months to be with her. Then, the day when I said I was ready to commit, she told me she had been with another guy and then told me she didn't want to be with me. It became a power thing - I begged her to take me back. She took me back, then rejected me. This went on for a month, then I finally said that's enough - are we together or not? She said no... .and then she asked me to stay the night. And the weekend. Then on Monday it was over. We had a drink on Thursday, she yelled at me for being possessive and said it was over. I messaged her on the way home and asked her where I should leave her stuff. She exploded and said I had made her feel like ___. Then that night she stayed over and we were together for months, before she cheated on me again. She said it was over. I said fine and pushed her away. Then she dropped by and we have sex and a few weeks together. Then she said she could only do something non-exclusive, so I finally broke things off with her and that's where we stand.

I was depressed a lot of the time we were together and was walking on egg shells. I miss her presence, but the more distance between us, the more I realise she was only a shell of a person and our relationship was incredibly unhealthy - I said 8 breakups when I did the survery, but writing this out I realised it was a lot more than than. I lost count!

I still miss her and think about her a lot when I am triggered (all the time), but I now know I can't go back as the pain just isn't worth it.

I have met other girls, one of them incredibly nice, but can't connect with them. I am trying to hold on to the very nice girl I met... .am hoping I can hang on longer on move on with my new GF.

I would love to vote, but I'm not sure what defines a breakup.  We've lived together for several years and in that course of time she's talked about breaking up several times.  She's even made it as far as packing several bags into her car a few times and driving off for up to 15 minutes (before coming back to make up).  If a break-up is a fight where I've been told we are breaking up, then I've had over 10.  If a breakup is her actually moving out and staying gone for at least a night, then we've never broken up.

What do others think constitutes a break-up?

In your case, not coming home.   *)

Thank you.  I will vote accordingly.

New to the boards. 

We have been married for 26 years, together for 27, and I would say we "broke up" three times. The first was in 2005 after he cheated on me and even though he told me right after it happened, he couldn't stop seeing her, so I kicked him out. We lived apart for 8 months, and tried counselling,  which is when he was diagnosrd ( incorrectly) with depression. The second was in 2007, i think. We split because he wanted to try being on his own to take his meds. We still had dinners together on occasion and saw each other frequently because of our son and continued going to therapy.
I left to work in my hometown three hours away in 2011-2013, but it wasn't really a break up as much as it was a getaway for me from dealing with him everyday. I would come home during every other weekend and on school vacations( i was a sub teacher living with ky parents ). My son was a senior in hs at the time.
I have finally decided enough is enough living with him, and I've planned on moving back home to the town where my family lives, 3 hrs away. He isn't happy about it and is struggling with it, but I'm done.

I answered we "haven't broken up" YET.  My uBPDw has threatened divorce on many occasions and two quite seriously; however, she has not gone through the door YET, nor kicked me out YET.  Her case is predominately of the high functioning "invisible" variety; however, when I take more control of my actions, her responses are more like a conventional Borderline.

I cannot count the number of times he's told me (usually via text message but sometimes in person) that we're through. My uBPDxbf. The next day, he doesn't understand why he hasn't heard from me, love bombs me, etc.
I only counted the times I decided I was done. 3. This one has to be complete, final. We're on 1 week NC now. It's been a month but I was away for a lot of it and we did communicate some, with him begging and me telling him the door isn't shut all the way. I'm trying to decide how long I need to be NC before I write him about getting my stuff. I can't let myself get drawn back in.