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Falcon Ridge Ranch Month 1: BPD d13 going into residential treatment


Date: 07-2012(https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif)Minutes: 5:36
EAGALA In Practice

 I spent March and April researching residential treatment center's (http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Residential_treatment_center) and boarding schools for BPDd-13 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.msg427962#msg427962) finally narrowing it down to 2 in Utah that are 20 minutes apart.  My mom and I flew up and visited both the first of May and I chose Falcon Ridge Ranch (http://www.falconridgeranch.com/about-us.html) in Virgin Utah.  The staff is mature, patient, thorough, experienced, gentle yet strong and very capable for helping my BPDd-13.  The main type of therapy is equine (http://www.equine-psychotherapy.com/equine.html) and DBT (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76487.0) is mixed throughout the program.  Positive Peer Culture (http://www.troubledteenblog.com/2008/07/positive-peer-culture-adolescent-residential-treatment-philosophy/) is their accountability tool and carries a great deal of weight with teens.  I believe that God has guided my decision and this is the right place at the right time for my BPDd-13.

In the last 6 weeks she has been pretty good at home (no rages). She is still defiant (ODD (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/ds00630/dsection=symptoms)) and isolates herself to be online in her fantasy relationships w/boys (BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114843.0)) and sleeps way too much (MDD (http://www.Major depressive disorder)). However, her behavior at school is over the top!  She has been in "in school suspension" 4 times in the last 6 weeks - twice for punching 2 different students in the face and twice for leaving the school grounds.  One of those times she was caught by the police in an abandoned house w/ 5 other students.  Apparently there was no sexual activity going on as the police listened outside before entering and also did a drug search (none were found but I had her drug tested anyway and she passed).  She also was given a warning on another occasion for being disrespectful to a teacher and the Vice Principal.

This entire process of acting out behaviors at school has been left (by me) for them to deal with.  I have not engaged in punishment at home. I don't need the stress nor does my BPDd-13 need me to step in and become part of the process. It is between her and the school and if I don't get involved, BPDd-13 must focus on herself and not how I am the cause of her problems.  I guess her "bad" behaviors had to come out somewhere since she was controlling herself at home  ;p .

The search and decision process for the residential treatment center was hard but it could have been easier if I had some support from my husband.  He has been struggling to come to terms w/this decision all the while knowing it is for our precious daughters's sake that we do it.  I see it as a wonderful gift and opportunity to give her the help she truly needs.  I pray that she will take full advantage of this and come away with a sense of her authentic self and healthy life goals w/the knowledge that she has within her power the ability to soar on strong wings with a family who will not do it for her but will be a source of encouragement and belief in her abilities.  The 24/7 therapeutic environment will eventually wear her down and put her in the position of self reflection and recognizing personal responsibility.  I think that she will be there at least 9 months, maybe a year.  at $7300 per month it is a huge sacrifice for us and most likely a one time gift from us to her.

We have not told her yet that she is going.  I plan to tell her on Saturday, the last day of school is Friday (tomorrow).  The plan is to fly to Vegas on Tuesday June 1st,  spend the night there, have a good time, (stepdaughter(21) is coming too) and then on Wednesday pick up the rental car and drive her up to the residential treatment center (2hour drive), then husband, stepdaughter(21) and I will leave my precious child in the hands of strangers and drive back to Vegas, stay another night and then fly home to deal w/the aftermath of our decisions. If BPDd-13 refuses to go to the residential treatment center and participate in this plan our other option is a transport service (http://www.nationalhealthtransport.com/our-services/); strangers showing up in the middle of the night and taking her (restrained if necessary) to the residential treatment center.  Please keep my family and mostly my BPDd-13 and the staff at Falcon Ridge in your prayers.

lbjnltx

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Update: Dec. 21, 2012  If you have read this far... .thank you.  It will take an investment of your time to read about the complete journey.  If you are considering RTC for someone you love please make that investment.  Choosing a program that is focused on the family  is of the utmost importance as I believe it is the key to recovery.  It has been almost 2 years since my daughter graduated from Falcon Ridge Ranch RTC.  She continues to do very well and we continue to be amazed.  

BPD d13 in residential treatment center «

Month 1 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563) Month 2 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=177524) Month 3 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=125264) Month 4 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=127415)

Month 5 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=129653) Month 6 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=131681) Month 7 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133797) Month 8 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136413)

Month 9 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138842) Month 10 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140551)

dear lbjnltx,


The following are not my own words, but they convey the sentiment which I hope will be helpful to you right now.

May God give you... .

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer.

It's a tough decision to entrust your child's welfare to another place, especially a place that is far from home.  I hope that you will rest easy in your decision knowing that you have done the best any parent could to find the proper help for her child.  I hope that your precious D will settle down quickly in her new setting and absorb all she can, like a little sponge, so that she can recover and enjoy a long and healthy life.  I hope that your DH will soon see the benefit of this sacrifice so that he too can be comfortable in the knowledge that this is the best hope for recovery.

Thank you for all you've done for me.  I hope in some small way I may return the favor of a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

Take care,

pennifree     

lbj, may things go well for you and your family this weekend and on into next week. My thoughts and prayers go with you all.

WIth lots of love

 

Ingrid

I will keep you all posted on how things go when we tell our BPDd-13 that we have found a place for her to go.  

She has repeatedly told us "I would rather live anywhere than here".  Just proves that old adage "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it".  I anticipate an excited "really!" reply initially and then the questions will come.  I will follow my heart and be true to myself in my honest reply.  I will answer specific questions w/specific answers all the while knowing that the details could derail the whole process -- things like you don't need to pack  your clothes because I have already sent all needed items ahead (she doesn't get to choose what she wears) and I hope she doesn't ask how long she will have to stay because all I am prepared to say is "that depends on you".  I could honestly call it a therapeutic boarding school except that she is so looking forward to not going to school for the summer that if she discovers they have year round school the FBI might not even be able to drag her up there!

As with all fears it is the "unknown" that scares me the most.  That's when I start playing the "what's the worst thing that can happen" game with myself.  The worst case scenarios really aren't that bad and I know I can handle it if I must.  For some odd reason this helps my anxiety.  If the worst case scenarios don't scare me, then what's there really to be afraid of?

lbjnltx

LBJ,

This sounds very encouraging.  You showed your love by working hard to find the best place, and the money isn't just money either - its your and your husband's hard work and sacrifice going for what you believe is best for your daughter.  My hat's off to you both!

When and how will you tell your daughter about this?

What conditions will you place for her to come home?

Best wishes,

Matt

lbjnltx,

If I put myself in your shoes for a moment,

must be heartbreaking

must be scary

must feel like your finances will be hanging on a thread

must be sad

must be frustrating, especially in light of how thourougly you have educated yourself to help her

must be confusing,devastating, overwhelming

and I also imagine the hope you must feel.

With my SD, I know what pains her, what has led her to this place. True that we don't make much headway, even knowing what pains her... .still, there are no mysteries here.

I hope the residential treatment center helps in the big way you are shooting for. What we found after sending my SD to SUWS (theraputic wilderness camp) was that it gave her some small tools, gave us some seperation (we needed that big time), took her out of her comfort zone so that she had a chance to do some work on herself and so she would finally have a chance to see how that felt... .but 9 weeks wasn't enough time to get my SD to a point where she really understands how to take charge of herself, wasn't enough time for her to figure out that her Mom couldn't help what happened to her and that SD isn't to blame... .I am hoping for you that the duration you are facing will be sufficient and will help your daughter. At 13, there is such a real possibility that things can turn around for her and your family.

Here is to a brighter tomorrow

And I truly hope that she will accept your decision to place her and that you and your family will be spared the drama if she won't go willingly.

thursday

The plan is to tell her Saturday when her half brother and sis are here w/us.  The people she is closest too will all be here to support this decision as well as lend her comfort/companionship.

The determining factor on getting to come home will be made between the residential treatment center staff and husband and i.  I know that when she is making real progress the residential treatment center will give us the heads up that she will be ready to come home in 90 days.  That gives my BPDd-13 another 3 months to solidify what she has learned about herself, skills, and new ways to think about her world.  She will transition during that 90 days to a less controlled atmosphere at the residential treatment center and will be given more responsibilities and freedoms to see how she handles them all the while having   the continued therapy, feedback, and support of the staff.

lbjnltx

Dear thursday, you got it all right!  

As far as a wilderness program goes, when I tt her psychiatrist about residential treatment centers he told me "don't mortgage the farm for a 90 day program".  I got the message and thought it through carefully.  I can see the intrinsic value of a behavior modification program yet I view it as a bandaid on something that needs major surgery!  Too little, won't have a lasting affect, essentially $ waisted... .at least in our situation.

Thanks for your support and well wishes.

lbjnltx

Wow, it sounds like you have thought this through really well!

Best,

Matt

Yes Matt,

That's me think think think.  Problem:  I have to shut down my emotions sometimes to be able to think clearly.  I am trying really hard to be "wise" minded (logic and emotions mixed together).  

lbjnltx

lbj,

I have not been posting but occasionally I come to read and I just read about your decision.  I back you up a gazillion percent on your decision and think that you ARE really wise to do this.  I will pray for your daughter - and for you and your family that this WORKS WORKS WORKS.   

What I would not do for another chance to go back and do what you are doing.  Things with my daughter are so bad - so horrendous and insane and beyond reporting on this site ( beyond processing) which is why I had to back away from posting but only occasional reading and I found myself having to simply get into the fetal position for a while. 

I pray for the outcome for your daughter that you seek- and believe that if you feel that God has led you to this decision that there is a wonderful  chance for a better outcome for your daughter- than there was for mine.

I give you lots of credit for pushing for this in spite of your husband not being completely on the same page.  When my D was 13 my H stuck his head in the sand and I was left alone to deal with a D who saw ME as the bad guy and H as the good guy while his actions or INactions not to mention enabling and endorsing and wanting to be the "friend" were helping sending our D down the drain.  Now he is on the same page for the most part but it is when they are your daughter's age- that you have control- not when they are older- above age.  It took forever for my H to get his head out of the sand. I know your husband is not the same- as my H was- he is maybe reticent a bit but you are going ahead and doing this... .and that is what matters. 

I know this is a very painful decision - the way you have described it- but you are putting your emotions aside all the while- as best you can- and using "Wise Mind" and again- you feel led by God as telling you this is the right thing to do.

Anyway- I wanted to give you huge     's and tell you once again- that in my opinion- you are very wonderful as a mother.  You knew it was time to take action and you did LOTS AND LOTS OF RESEARCH and now putting into action what you believe to be best.

My heart is with you.  Best of luck.

wtsp

Well, it is playing out just like I suspected it would. My husband told BPDd-13 and at first she was excited saying "really?"  Unfortunately he put a little too much emphasis on the "ranch" part of Falcon Ridge Ranch and she became defiant saying "i'm not going!". (we live on a ranch so she would much rather go to an urban setting)She became some what accepting and then defiant and then back to acceptance... .so we will just ride this out.  I expect more intense defiance once we begin to pack and she realizes that she doesn't need to take her wardrobe... she is focusing on taking her iphone... .when she asked if she could take her phone I replied "yes, you can take your phone"  I left out the part where she has to give it up once she gets there... .choosing battles and trying to be as honest as I can w/out derailing this whole process    

lbjnltx

It sounds like this is a process that will probably cycle a bit more but it sounds like you have not only thought out how this would go but you are ready to handle the emotional waves.     That part about the phone could be tough but then since it all is, choosing your battles sounds very important. 

Underneath your being so strong, it must all be heartbreaking.  My thoughts are with you

LD

Hi lbj -

It's Tuesday night here & I'm thinking of you and praying that all will be OK and without too much trauma.

You are one brave lady.  |iiii

With love

 

Ingrid.

Hello friends,

We are back from our trip to the residential treatment center.  We left tues. around 10 am.  had a bit of a rough flight to vegas (30 mi. winds).  It is the first time BPDd-13 has been in a commercial jet so she got a little scared by the turbulence.  I asked her if she wanted to pray and she said yes ... .so we did and she seemed fine after that.  Once we arrived at our hotel in Vegas we ate dinner and she and sister21 went to the pool for a while.  BPDd-13 was asleep by 9.  The next am BPDd-13 woke me up to tell me she was hungry so we went to Starbucks, fed the birds at the pool and went shopping for a while on the strip.  We left for Utah at 2 and arrived about 6.

While I filled out paper work husband, sd, and BPDd-13 took a quick tour of the ranch.  BPDd-13's therapist met w/my husband while stepdaughter and BPDd-13 checked in all items BPDd-13 would need for her stay.  When it was time for us to leave BPDd-13 hugged each of us.  I took her face in my hands and looked her in the eye and told her "i love  you,  be a sweet girl, and brush your teeth  lol" she replied "i love you too" as she looked me in the eye.

When we got in the car stepdaughter told me that during the tour as they showed her the classrooms BPDd-13 said "there's school here? I'm not staying" but she just continued on the tour. My husband told me that when they told her they would have to take her iphone and keep it for her she replied "no, I'll just send it w/my dad so it will be safe".  No big melt down, no big deal.

The next am I called to talk to her case manager to see how she was doing.  She cried the first night saying "I miss my family"  ?  :'( :)  The next am she went to equine therapy and music.  She was a bit sad because it was a family weekend and most of the other girls had family there.  She is doing well so far with a mostly positive attitude and using good manners w/ the staff... .so far.  I am sure there will come a time when she begins to become defiant if nothing else just to test the boundaries to see if she is going to be able to manipulate and when she finds she can't then she will become angry.  No worries... .they are well versed on all of this.

I must say at this point that I am standing in amazement at the power of the positive energy, well wishes, thoughts and prayers.  This is the best possible outcome for this situation and a major shock to those who know my daughter.  Even her therapist here at home was surprised!  Praise God He came through for us again and thank you for helping me through this part of our life journey.  

I will update or start a new thread as we travel further down the road to recovery.



lbjnltx

Wow, this is encouraging, and I'm so happy for you.

But please stay balanced and be ready for some big bumps in the road.  Everything might continue to go well but if you talk to the staff there I bet they'll tell you that it's usually not that way.  You can't be too confident when things go well, or too worried when there are problems.  (Much easier said than done I know!)

Best wishes and please keep us posted!

Matt

lbj, this is such wonderful news! We do serve a wonderful God!

Take this time to spoil and pamper yourself - you deserve it. 

All the best for whatever comes up tomorrow.  :)

With love

 

Ingrid

Hello dear friends,

Just spoke w/BPDd-13's case manager... .all is ok.  BPDd-13 is enjoying equine therapy and music therapy quite a bit.  She is still is not participating in group therapy, just sits quietly and listens.  It will take a while for her to trust and make herself vulnerable to the other girls in the group... .quite normal I think.  She is on high risk watch at this time.  She has made some noise about running away so staff keeps her within arms reach at all times.

Yesterday was her first day in classes and she did some of the work and turned it in.  I got her report card and taks test results last Friday.  Her report card doesn't reflect her abilities... .as usual.  She scored high in reading and writing receiving commendations in both on the taks.  Math score was ok but nothing to brag about.  

Missing her!

lbjnltx

Hi lbj

I can understand that you're missing her. When I sent my s to his dad, it took me a couple of days and I found myself missing him too. I was good having time to myself, not having to worry what I would come home to, not dreading that each phone call would be from the school, etc. but I still missed him.

I'm so glad for you that she's settling down. It must be quite a relief for you.

Take special care of you. 

With love

 

Ingrid

We will not be able to speak w/her until the 22nd. day.  We can write as much as we wish and she can write us back if she wants at any time.  We will have family therapy over the phone once a week w/her therapist and she will be able to talk to us on the phone for 20 minutes each week while the staff monitors her.  All correspondence must be through us... .if the name and address are not on the list then she won't get the letter.

As far as equine therapy goes... .we have our own horses so I will encourage my BPDd-13 to show me everything she learned while at Falcon Ridge and then show everyone she has to the house... .keeping things fresh in her mind... .

There are 3 books that BPDd-13 will study in group and individually.  They are:  "Positive Peer Culture", "Leadership and Self Deception", and "Anatomy of Peace".  My husband and I must read them as well.  I have already read "Anatomy of Peace" and have begun "Positive Peer Culture".  

Has anyone else read any of these books?  Care to comment?

I am much more relaxed and practicing radical acceptance... .keep reminding myself that she is ok and getting the help she needs... .still miss her like crazy!  We will be seeing her in September for a family weekend and another family weekend in December... .I am hoping that instead of us going there in December she will be able to come home for her first home visit... .I don't know though... .they usually want to have a local overnight visit before letting them come home.

We will see what happens!

lbjnltx

An update on how my BPDd-13 is doing and what she is up to:

I spoke extensively with her therapist.  In the first week BPDd-13 was at Falcon Ridge she spent time w/the therapist 4 times.  Once briefly and 1 session in the office, 2 sessions out by the equine center.  The therapist says she will meet w/BPDd-13 wherever it is the most beneficial/relaxing.

The therapist is very concerned about the "emo subculture" that BPDd-13 is in.  She says it is very difficult to get a teen out of that way of being.  Hopefully this extended break from the negative reinforcement will make it easier for my BPDd-13 to break free.  The therapist also says that it is quite obvious that my BPDd-13 is not "emo" just trying to belong to a group for an identity.  She is far to caring and generous w/small children and has a great sense of humor... .not emo qualities!  The therapist said she is very hopeful for my  BPD13.  therapist also said "it is quite rare for me to have so much hope so early on with a patient".   :)

The admissions specialist and I have had extended contact and she called me the other day to tell me a funny story about my BPDd-13.  She said she talked to the cook at the ranch and the cook told her that she asked my d13 " would you like to have an ostrich egg for breakfast this morning?"  BPDd-13replied "No!  Ostriches are an endangered species and people torture those poor animals to get them to lay eggs.  I"ll just have some scrambled eggs."

Knowing my BPDd-13, she has seen on tv or read something about an animal where this is probably very close to the truth... .she is just confusing ostriches with whatever animal it was.


I haven't received any letters from my BPDd-13 yet.  She just got the first 2 cards yesterday that were sent to her 11 days ago so I will wait and be hopeful.  We won't get to talk to her until the 22nd day... .that would be june the 24th... .I am counting the days.

lbjnltx

This sounds very encouraging:  she is getting help at a young age when it can do the most good;  the staff seems to know what they're doing;  and she hasn't withdrawn.

Sorry to repeat myself but please don't assume too much;  things tend to get worse before they get better.  Good news isn't forever, and bad news isn't forever either.  You'll need to stay on an even keel and not over-react, either way.

Best wishes,

Matt

Thanks for the reminder matt!  I just don't feel like I am getting enough news either way... .having to let go and let God!

The case manager told me :  BPDd-13 was sad yesterday.  BPDd-13 asked one of the girls in her group if she was supposed to go talk to her case manager when she felt this way.  The girl told her "no.  She wants you to be sad."  BPDd-13 asked "Why do you say that?" girl:  "Because if you are sad it means you are experiencing your feelings and may even be thinking about things you have said or done in the past that got you here."

IT'S ALL GOOD!

I just don't know how I am going to be able to go on like this for months? ? ;p  :'(

lbjnltx

Hi lbj -

It's good to hear that things are going well with your d - you really seem to have chosen the right place for her.  :) Like Matt, I'm glad that they are treating this as a family thing and keeping you 'in the loop'. One of the most frustrating things that I had to deal with when my s was in rehab was the extremely limited info that I got from the staff. I think that was because he's 18 though. It was hard to realise that even though I'm mom, I don't have that right any more.

A couple of years ago, I took in a lost soul of a chap for a few months. Unbeknown to me, he was well and truly emo & it was very, very scary. My s, in true BPD style, tried to follow suit but, thankfully, was shut down fairly smartly by the other chap. Apparently, my s was "too funny".   One of my s's defence mechanisms is to be the clown, so apparently that 'disqualified' him. As soon as the other chap moved out, my s gave up on the emo thing, thank God. I'm so glad that the therapist says that your d isn't a true emo. It must be such a relief for you. 

The time may seem to drag, and the hours may seem empty and quiet, but they will go by. When you look back on this in a few years time, it will not seem so bad. Keep the focus on your own healing and using this time constructively. You have been given a gift. 

With much love

 

Ingrid

Thanks ingridp,

I am trying to keep my mind busy (no problem keeping my body busy here on the ranch!) and not dwell on the "missing my child" aspect of this situation.  I keep reminding myself that we have been able to give her this incredible opportunity to heal... .and yes... .i call it a gift! Made possible through God's grace.

While it is encouraging to hear the therapists's perspective on the "emo" problem, it is yet another layer of the "onion" to peel away... .more time may be required at the residential treatment center which also = more $.

Yesterday the case manager told me that BPDd-13 had her physical and all labs came back normal.  BPDd-13 complained of being tired all the time (nothing new there... .not enough protein in her vegetarian diet?/ or is it the meds?), is still depressed (is this because she has mdd/BPD and needs med changes or is it situational?), and that her "legs feel funny".  The night staff will observe BPDd-13 in her sleep to try to determine if she has RLS (restless leg syndrome).  


  to you in SA

lbjnltx

my BPDd-13 just finished a brief 6 week, a couple of hours once a week, equine assisted therapy program and loved it. I am not sure there will be any lasting or visible effects but it was a positive experience and I will definitely sign her up for more. Horses have an uncanny ability to read or feel people's emotions - it is truly very cool. I am considering participaing in several family sessions although it is expensive.

I'm new here but wanted to let you know that I have some first hand experience with the equine 13 year old daughter combination. Good luck.

dear needforhope,

Thank you for the affirmation on the equine therapy.  I am glad that you are here.  I am sure we will have much to share w/each other on our journeys!  

I look forward to getting to know you.



lbjnltx

BPDd-13's therapist called last evening and wants my husband and I to consider sending her for a spect scan at the Amen Clinic... .my husband is resisting (as usual) and has nothing positive to say about the whole subject. I  told him I would approach the matter with a critical thinking mind and investigate before I make any statements.  One thing we do agree on... .it has only been 2 weeks since BPDd-13 went to residential treatment center and not enough time/effort has been made to make an evaluation about the "causes" of BPDd-13's behaviors.

Has anyone had any personal experience w/Daniel Amen/Amen Clinic and SPECT scans?

Do tell!

lbjnltx

lbj,

My D when she was more conducive to being well instead of sick- underwent a couple of spec scans... .the second one was done by a psychiatrist- and our D had lack of blood flow in certain parts of her brain.  The psyche said that he used these scans to diagnose pts. problems.

I think that Dr. Amen was a pioneer in the use of these scans and has a book- (been on PBS ) called CHANGE YOUR BRAIN - CHANGE YOUR LIFE... .

I would do anything if my D would agree to go to one of his clinics as I have heard him speak on PBS about two different kinds of problems and I like his book.  I like his philosophies.  I think he is really smart.

I also would love if she ever went ( won't happen in a million years  ? ) that he is the one who would see her if THAT could ever come about when you go there.  I would make sure though if your D does go that whoever she sees- has years of experience in interpreting them and not new on the job if that is possible to work that out with the center that she is presently at. 

Please let us know what your research about the Amen Clinic brings.  I believe that many of my D's psyche / cognitive/ logic issues stem from lack of blood flow from what I have learned now- wc in her case - can be controlled to a certain extent... .if she would only see the right specialists and do the right things for her type of physical illness which is a blood flow issue all around.   I am of the belief system that it is a test that gives useful information.  Sounds like the Utah center she is at is not only good in so many ways from how you have posted about them but very cutting edge to suggest a spec scan... .

I say cutting edge because lots of docs don't know about them (spec scans) even  though they have been around for a while. 

Take care, Dear lbj

 

wtsp

I got another call from BPDd-13's t.  She has consulted w/the clinical director, another therapist, and will consult w/BPDd-13's pdoc tomorrow.  So far the consensus is that the spect scan would be beneficial.  She used a phrase that I have used often to describe my d:  "she is a walking contradiction" :light:  I had thought in the past that the reason why no progress was being made w/BPDd-13 using the multitude of tools, advice, therapy knowledge, was because of the combo of odd and BPD.  Therapist says "No.  I don't think so".  wow!  She says that things don't seem to "click" in BPDd-13's head.  "something's just not right".     Well of course somethings just not right... .she's in a residential treatment center for petes' sake!  I know what she means and I reminded her of my lengthy visit prior to placement and of all the information that I shared w/the staff, making it very clear that my BPDd-13 has some serious psychiatric problems and needed to know that they have the ability to address those issues and help her.  The therapist still insists they do.  I think therapist is baffled by how complex BPDd-13 is.  She even said she is not convinced that BPDd-13 meets the criteria for BPD.  I disagreed... .then again... .when you get to the "fear of abandonment... .real or imagined"... .I too can't quite see that in my BPDd-13.  Unlike most BPDadolescents my BPDd-13 could care less how long I am gone, when I am coming back, or even if I am coming back... .unless she needs something.  The therapist told me BPDd-13 said "I'm happy here".  I told therapist "that's funny, last week she told case manager "it sucks (here).  So I said "do you think she is telling you what you want to hear?"  Her therapist says no, I see her in other areas and she seems happy... .?  I'm glad she is happy... .but it hurts that she doesn't have that at home.  I'm confused I guess.

Dear husband (dh) got a card from BPDd-13 today.  In it she states that she "misses him so much., realizes that she needs to be here and is thankful that she is., and she is making lots of friends".  She told case manager last week that she is "trying hard not to" learn anything that is.  What the heck?

?

lbjnltx

Hi lbjnltx,

I have been thinking of you a lot since your D has been gone. What really got my attention was the comment "she has been there (residential treatment center) 17 days". I can only try to imagine how much you miss her. She seems to be such a big part of your day to day life. Now your latest post is so filled with anguish that she seems to be happy to get away from you, content to be at the residential treatment center, and yet sends a card to your dh. This has to be so painful for you. And their concerns about her dx and wanting to do additional testing is seems very concerning.

I hope you can take my message in the spirit intended - to be supportive of this difficult time for you. What were your expectations when your D went to the residential treatment center? How have these expectations been fulfilled or unfulfilled? It must feel somewhat invalidating to have all the information you provided seemingly not being given the weight you perceived it would.

Please give the residential treatment center some time to do the thorough evaluations they see necessary. They have worked with so many other adolescents and maybe can see a bigger picture that is blurred or not available for you. They do not have the emotional attachment that you, as the mom, appropriately do. This is one reason an out of home placement can bring new things to light. Maybe the new testing and ongoing evalation and possibly unexpected treatments will give your D a new chance to make progress with her complexities.

And try to give yourself a break - stop counting the days, let go of the needing to know. You seem to be such an intelligent, compassionate woman. Take this opportunity to find some new outlets for this energy so you can take in the emotional impact of whatever is to come.

And then maybe the card to husband, the stated not missing you (and your ideas, control, consequences,etc ) will all turn out to be her way of dealing with her feelings of seperation from you. My DD24 always, even as a very young child, pushed me away with her actions when she was needing me the most. Sometimes the only way I could deal with this was to step back, way back, until she was able to reach out to me in a different way.

So hang in there, find that immense wealth of patience that you have within you, and most of all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers for a hopeful and positive outcome the the residential treatment center experience.

qcr   

My son's rehab was substance abuse not BPD, but I see a lot of parallels.  I did some volunteer work for the rehab after he left, working with other parents, and one of the big lessons was, "When it's going good, that could change at any time.  When it's going bad, that could change at any time.  Don't over-react, and don't let your own health and well-being be too affected by your kid's daily ups and downs."[/quote]
Matt - I need to put this quote in big letters where I can see it every morning. It is so easy to get pulled into a false sense of reality so quickly and then suffer so much just as fast. Thanks for sharing your story about your son. I wish him success with his appeal and even more success when he gets out of prison.

qcr

lbjnltx - sorry for all the replies today, but was thinking on all this - so many things came up in my head had to get organized. Anyway, the part here really makes me ponder the effects of my DD24's right-brain disability as a major contributor to her mental health issues. She has never had a scan, but the neuropsych testing has given pretty conclusive results, consistently over time that this is a major area of conflict for her to be successful in her life. I just never had tools, still don't nor do her therapits, on how to work with this. And there was never any money to go after the specialists that may have contributed as they were not on any of our plans ever.

So it sounds like a really good direction that the residential treatment center is taking this right now - what the shorthand for 'my humble opinion'.

thinking of you all, qcr

Dear qcarol,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.  Yes, I miss her a great deal but I am also enjoying the drama free home environment and feel much more peaceful.  The reason I count the days is because we have to wait 21 days to talk to her.  I sent an email to her therapist at the residential treatment center that if it is not a good idea for BPDd-13 to talk to me this week then can she talk to my husband only.  My husband is more anxious than I am about talking to her.  He did get to talk to her on father's day briefly and said she sounded good.

After giving much thought to the statements that her therapist has made to me I understand now what the problem is.  The therapist has no real experience w/BPD.  She doesn't understand why my d "hates her mom"  BLACK AND WHITE THINKING, INABILITY TO HOLD OPPOSSING THOUGHTS IN HER MIND, she doesn't understand why BPDd-13 has aligned herself w/the emo subculture... NO SENSE OF SELF, TAKING ON CHARACTERISTICS OF PERSONS AROUND HER, she doesn't understand why BPDd-13 can have such a desire to work w/have relationships w/young children... .EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY AND THEY ARE NOT INTERPERSONAL,  she doesn't  understand the fine line between interpersonal relationships and relationships defined by how deeply attached BPDd-13 is to certain people,  she doesn't understand how BPDd-13 is fine one minute and changes when slightly challenged... .TRIGGERING, she doesn't understand that BPDd-13 has NO EMPATHY in her INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS,  she doesn't understand that she is being MANIPULATED, she doesn't understand BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!

This is the situation w/her individual therapist.  While I do understand that a spect scan could be beneficial... .after all the more you know the better things will be... .I think that the therapist is asking for one because she doesn't understand BPD  and thinks there must be a brain injury... .not necessarily so!  So what to do about this... .request a different personal therapist who has experience w/ borderline adolescents.  How to go about this tactfully is the task at hand.  BPDd-13's therapist here at home has offered to help the therapist at the residential treatment center... .ok if they want to share info but I am not paying 7500 / month to educate a therapist... .

I spoke w/ the Positive Peer Culture leader... .he has BPDd-13's number ok!  Says she is playing games right now.  Says she is hinting at having drug and alcohol problems... .not true!  Once more she is taking on the characteristics of the group around her... .most of the other girls have had these problems.  BPD 13 has lied about such things in the past to her friends at school, just like she lied about being pregnant and having an abortion... .

I am hoping to get the transcribed notes of the pdoc at the residential treatment center very soon.  I don't even know if he did any testing and no one at the residential treatment center seems to know either.  They have to wait for the transcription.  If the testing and notes from the pdoc come back indicating what all of her other tests have indicated, I think it will be much easier to transition BPDd-13 to another therapist at the residential treatment center... .if not... .oh boy!  Either way, I will request a different therapist.  I like the therapist she has now, she is very willing to communicate, listen and seems to be open minded but she is BPD clueless.

You ask what I expected... .I didn't expect a 13 yr. old to be able to confuse and manipulate a therapist.  I didn't expect the therapist to have little to no understanding of the disorder that I clearly explained, provided concrete evidence of , and pleaded for help with.  I didn't expect to be concerned that this facility would not be able to understand my daughter.  I still have high hopes that they can and will help her through another therapist.  I did not understand from day 1 why this therapist was assigned to my BPDd-13.  I guess I have been validated  

As usual, I will do my best to get my BPDd-13 the help she needs.  We just can't afford to pay the high price of the residential treatment center while they educate themselves on her disorder.      I was assured they had the level of knowledge and experience to help her out of this... .apparently some do and some don't.  The some that do need to be identified and step up!

lbjnltx

Yes, it must be frustrating, but don't despair.  Getting her regular therapist in touch with the RTC therapist seems like a good idea.  Your daughter is a unique individual, and while it would be better if the RTC therapist had more experience with BPD, it's still a good thing that you got her into a facility where she can get help from professionals;  I don't think therapy is an exact science, and they always have to figure out each individual.  Hang in there!

lbjnltx - This is probably the most frustrating thing - having to teach the teachers! The good part is your D is young, it is early in the process at the residential treatment center, and you have a great amount of skill - you will find the 'tactful' way to get the best therapist for your d. And her shell is bound to show some cracks as time goes by so more staff will get the picture. I am feeling very sad today as I cannot do this for my DD24 as I am 'just the mom' with no authority to communicate with the mental health staff for them to persevere with my DD instead of writing her off as 'uncooperative and manipulative', therefore they seem to believe they cannot help her. DD cannot get them to assign a different T to her case no matter how she asks - the one they just re-assigned gave up on D 2 years ago. D has so many trust issues with her and that whole system.

Good Luck - keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. qcr

Hi lbjnltx,  Just wanted to stop by and say I'm following your story and thinking of you.  This sounds so complicated and to add in the emotional issue of this being your dd must be frustrating and painful.   

It sounds to me like you are on top of the therapist situation.   Is there a head therapist?  A manager?  To whom you can explain what you have explained to us.   I agree with you, its one thing to move slowly on getting a handle on things at say public school which is not costing extra, but to do so at a center which costs more than a college sounds dicey at best. 

Stay on them maybe you can come to some sort of accommodation about this,

LD

Dear ld,

The problem I foresee in approaching the clinical director is that she was the one who assured me that they had the knowledge and experience to help such a troubled child.  Also, my BPDd-13's residential treatment center therapist's request for the spect scan was reaffirmed w/the clinical director and another therapist there.  In other words, the therapist has already gotten them on board w/the idea that there is something physically (brain damage) wrong w/BPDd-13 instead of looking at her confusing behaviors through the "eyes" of her BPD dx.   ;p

Dear qcarol,

I'm sorry that you are sad today.  While I am frustrated you are in pain. :'(  thanks for reminding me that I still have some power in my BPDd-13's life and getting her the help she needs.  There is always something good in a frustrating situation... .sometimes we just have to look really hard to find it.



lbjnltx

l texted DD "What is the next best thing u can do for urself that u can do without depending on anyone else?"

Her reply "Just Die".

I wish she would choose to go to the ER. Should I take her, call 911. I don't know where she is. She texted back that nothing will ever work for her, and this is sure her life experience.

I can't just give up on her today. I'll keep you posted later.

qcr.

qcarolr; I'm so sorry your daughter is feeling this way. That she is communicating with you is good. There's so much stress with the impending disability decision, jail and her bf being more busy. I hope the day gets better for both of you.

lbjnltx, I can not count the number of therapists who have just given up on my daughter over the last 16 plus years. BPD doesn't offer an easy fix and therapists, like everyone else, want results they want to feel effective and competent. There usually aren't quick results or obvious break throughs treating it, our BPDs (along with their loved ones) seem to have to relearn how to process, express and deal with their emotions and retrain many of their behaviors and reactions. It's a long work in progress! I think many of my d's therapists just switched the diagnosis to go with the week! Somehow we convinced our daughter to stick with the process and to keep trying new things. I understand that's not so easy when they are being managed by someone else!

It certainly couldn't hurt to check out every possible avenue. I imagine as  scientist/doctors her residential treatment center team has to follow a protocol of ruling things out and narrowing their diagnosis. My daughter was always grateful to have things completely eliminated from the long list of possibilities! Maybe your daughter will feel the same way. Hopefully as they navigate their way through this their conclusion will come in line with what you already know!

I don't have any concrete advice but am following your daughter's treatment and your journey to help her and am thinking about both of you.

My daughter went to a residential treatment center in Minneapolis MN for exactly 9 months when she was 14. They specialized in young girls with BPD traits. It was exactly what she needed at the time and I will be forever grateful for this program and the impact that it had on her.  My daughter just turned 20 and she does occasionally talk about the Childrens Residantial Treatment Center that she went to in a negative light. The thing she talks about most, regarding her experience there, is that her siblings didn't visit her very often. I took the position that Annie had gotten herself into CRTC and that we had a opportunity for a much needed break.  While she was gone we functioned as a normal family and had a lot of fun. I remember sitting my other 4 children down (they were 13,16,17 and 20) and telling them that we were not going to mope around and be sad while Annie was away. I told them that they could help us by focusing on themselves and be the best that they could be. Look at residential as a gift that you are giving your daughter and yourself and make the most of it. It will expand her horizons and will help her in ways that your don't even realize yet. Be proud of yourself for coming to this point and let go.

Thank you for you insightful posts friends,

I do see the residential treatment center as a gift to my BPDd-13.  I must say that there have been some very positive developments for my d in the last few days.  She is beginning to see that the problems in her life come from within.  Her therapist told me last night that they  were at the coral having a therapy session and were observing 2 horses eating from the same bucket.  One horse (her project horse) was using his manners (yes horses can have manners) and the other was stomping, pushing, and nipping at her horse.  Her therapist asked her "what does that remind you of?"  BPDd-13 replied

"my relationship w/my mom"  therapist asked her "which horse  is you and which horse is your mom?"  BPDd-13 said "the nice one is my mom and the naughty one is me"  therapist said to her "last week you told me your mom was mean"  BPDd-13 said "she has changed alot since she started reading all those weird books.  my mom and dad have done a lot of work to try to make things better but I didn't because I didn't want to."  WOW!  THE EGG HAS CRACKED!  I know this is just the beginning of the work to be done but we are so very glad that she is at least beginning... .it has been a long road to get here and the journey ahead will be fraught w/ups and downs yet I rejoice that at least my d has joined us on the journey and won't be left behind!  PRAISE GOD!

I am relatively sure that word got back to the clinical director as well as BPDd-13's therapist that we were concerned that therapist didn't understand BPDd-13/BPD traits and how they can be manifested in our d.  I could tell that there was a coolness to her tone and she was much more reserved.  We will not get to talk to our bp13 this week as we thought. The therapist thinks BPDd-13 needs more time to think and figure out some things. We will have a family therapy session next Thursday am (more like a monitored 4 way call w/t) before the social calls can begin.  My husband talked to the therapist on the phone as well last night and gave her a clearer picture of his relationship w/BPDd-13.  The therapist was under the impression that I was the only problem relationship BPDd-13 has.     NOT!

I spoke w/her therapist here at home and he is very willing to help.  I told  him it would be best to let residential treatment center therapist initiate the call. I told residential treatment center therapist the same last nite and she didn't say one way or the other if she would call therapist here at home.  We will wait and see.  I also asked her if she would like for me to send her some info (real life examples) of how BPD thinking plays out in people's lives.  I made it clear that it is not instructions on how to counsel or help... .only explanatory  of BPD.  She said "Yes.  I would rather have too much info than not enough". The therapist also told me that the clinical director will now be working w/my d in equine therapy once a week.  I guess my statement of concern has put a bit of life into the treatment team.  I hope this is all for the good of everyone involved.  We will have to wait and see if the therapist can learn quickly and stop being manipulated!  

Please continue to keep my family in your prayers as well as the treatment team at Falcon Ridge.

 lbjnltx

lbj,

Wow!  Such promises lay in your D's observations of her mother reading "weird" books and your changes as a mother as she perceives them and in her own honesty and awareness about herself and that she is the "naughty horse" and in her awareness that you are the "nice horse".     

All I can say to that is WOW!   I think it is HUGE.  And yes.  THE EGG HAS INDEED CRACKED. 

a T once told me that gaining awareness is a good piece on the journey toward wellness.  Your D seems like she is already growing aware. 

 

wtsp

Yes! wtsp... .will you do the happy dance with me?   :) :) :) :)

lbjnltx

This is encouraging and I hope the worst is past, but these things usually don't go smoothly - there are usually good days and bad days.  So take several steps back and don't over-react when things go well or poorly.

Matt

I know I know... .can't I just be happy for a little while?

If everything goes smoothly from here on out I would doubt that BPDd-13 is doing any REAL work on herself!

lbjnltx

qcr- that is so painful and hard to hear your D text back  "Just die" - getting stuck into the deecision on what to do ---Prayers are with you --its soo hard to sit by and do nothing ------thats the hold they have on us ----do they really mean it? or manipulating us? Be well -----if you ave written on another post - I will try and get a reply there - You are in my thoughts!

I do have a seperate thread - didn't mean to hijack this one.

lbjnltx  - thanks for the pm and all your support. I am so glad there is a little light starting to shine in your D. That's really what I pray for with mine - the light of guidance - an open mind to get it - courage and confidence to use it. I have just begun to mention some DBT ideas to my DD as she has not been open enough til now to even hear the words. I have mentioned acceptance and mindfulness to lessen the suffering from painful events in her life that just are reality and willingness to take on life even filled with pain vs. willfulness to fight against her reality. Trying to plant some seeds so if a dbt group opening comes up she can be in a place to choose to go. So far she refuses to 'do anything in a group - it is private and non of their business'. But this is what she needs on a weekly basis - not seeing an uncaring T once a month.

Sorry - there goes my hijacking again. qcr  

Dear qcarol,

Hi jack away sweety.  You are welcome here.  I hope that the positive events in my BPDd-13's treatment will spark or keep alive hope within many.

Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice... .

Even God practices dbt skills!

lbjnltx

lbjlntx,

May you have many more positive events!  |iiii

peaceplease

Hello friends,

Today we had our first conversation w/BPDd-13 via telephone.  Her individual therapist was present and participated w/dh and I.  it went very well... .so well that therapist brought up some issues that BPDd-13 is working on.  At first it was just small talk about how things are at home and what she is doing at the residential treatment center.  BPDd-13 really seems to like her therapist.  

The therapist told us that BPDd-13 is charting her ups and downs designated by BPDd-13 as good, neutral,and sad and how labeling events like school and chores can carry over into other areas, and how to turn a negative into a positive.  They are also working on "thinking errors" that BPDd-13 constantly engages in.  When this was brought up BPDd-13 mentioned her 4th grade year (in my opinion and to the best of my knowledge this is when and why real trouble began for BPDd-13).  BPDd-13 asked me to tell the story about 4th grade to her therapist so I did and at the end I asked BPDd-13 if that sounded accurate to her? Did she want to add anything else? She said "Yes that describes it and no she didn't need to add anything to it."  The therapist told BPDd-13 that "you haven't been able to shake off that experience and see school in a positive way since... .that is a thinking error".

BPDd-13 also acknowledged that she is working on her anger issues.  According to the therapist she has been angry but has not been out of control nor has she raged.

The therapist brought up that BPDd-13 was nervous about the call today. My husband asked if she was nervous to talk to him too and she said yes.  I told BPDd-13 I was nervous a little too because I didn't know how she would be talking to us.  Maybe she would be angry but that I so wanted to hear her voice because I miss her so much and love her.  She said she misses us and loves us too.  We ended the conversation w/looking forward to getting to talk together again very soon.  My husband and BPDd-13 used to play beatles rock band together.  Their favorite song to do was "Eight Days a week".  My husband and I sung it to her before we hung up, everybody laughing and happy, I love yous and good byes.

The thing that stuck out the most was BPDd-13 bringing up the 4th grade... .right before she was placed in the acute care facility last year she brought it up as well.  she stated that "I know why I am this way... .because of 4th grade".  :)eep down inside she knows this is what she needs to get past, understand, re experience in a different way, and heal from... .

Thanks for reading... .I am waiting for the transcribed notes from residential treatment center pdoc (psychiatrist) visit... .waiting.  The case manager told me yesterday she has them and will send to me email.  Waiting, waiting.

lbjnltx

lbjntx,

What happened in the fourth grade?  It sounds like things are going in the right direction.  It is great to hear positive news.   


peaceplease

Fourth grade was a NIGHTMARE!  BPDd-13 had been at the private Christian school for 3rd grade and absolutely LOVED it.  Every kid in the school from prek-8th grade was her friend.  Classes were small 8-12 students and she adored  her teacher.  the school hired a new teacher for the 4th grade.  Apparently they didn't do a back ground check on her as she was not a stable person.  She was unable to control her classroom of 11 students even w/a full time aid and was not able to get the work done that the curriculum called for.  (it is academically superior to public school).  So BPDd-13 would come home every day w/2-4 hours of homework so that the class would not fall behind and the teacher would lose her job.  In reality the homework load was probably only 1-3 hours but for an 11 year old who has been at school all day already that is not acceptable!  I talked to principal and told him we wanted to withdraw her from the school.  He asked me to give him 2 weeks to get it straightened out and feigned ignorance of it all. I also, that same day talked to a grand parent of another boy in her class (comparing notes w/other parents) who turned out to be the president of the school board.  She too feigned some ignorance but admitted that her grandson did have too much homework.  She said she would talk to the principal as well and please let them work on this.

In the mean time my BPDd-13 was miserable!  She started saying "I hate  my life" "I wish I were dead" and became defiant... .

Anyway the same day that I tt the principal when I picked up my BPDd-13 from school her teacher came out to the car and said "I want you to know that your daughter doesn't have any homework today!"  I just smiled and said "that's great!"  Things did improve w/ the homework situation but there was some inappropriate stuff going on in the class room.  BPDd-13 did not tell me but I found out from another couple of parents.  Stuff like the teacher showing up late and no one was in the classroom w/the kids, teacher telling the students "don't tell  your parents", teacher calling students derogatory names, etc.  One night she called me crying to tell me that her pregnant best friends husband was killed in a car accident.  Why is she calling me?  I mean we aren't bffs.  Anyway... .lots of weird stuff.  By this time there had already been 4 kids that left that class.  The teacher complained that she couldn't get anything done in class because of a few boys who were misbehaving.  She said she would send them to the principal and he would send them back... .

When spring break came and my BPDd-13 had to spend the entire break working on a school project I had had enough and pulled her out and put her in public school.  I later found out that a group of parents went before the school board and complained.  The school board said "we had no idea this was going on".  Same from the principal... .anyway the whole school board resigned, principal resigned and the teacher and her aide were fired.  BPDd-13 went back to that school for 5th grade after much careful thought, meeting w/new principal, and BPDd-13 knowing her potential 5th grade teachers.  When I took BPDd-13 out of that school and put her in public school to finish 4th grade I also started her in therapy.  That is when she was dx w/odd.

So that's it.  It is hard to believe that would be enough to cause someone to have BPD traits... .then again the biological component was most likely there and the 4th grade incident was just a trigger... .

Sad sad tale!

lbjnltx, I had some thoughts as I was reading your post about your daughter ... .

I had a HORRIFIC 6th grade year. I was always the "smart kid" in the class (I hate sounding snotty but it's true and relevant to the story), I even went to reading and language arts in the grade ahead. So I was resented by other kids. That year there were some girls that were from a very impoverished background who were extremely street-wise and were bullies, and the teacher basically let them run the entire class. It was terrible. I was targeted especially for being the "smart kid" in the class. I think I probably got depressed although back then who knew about childhood depression? We don't even know much now. So I truly believe there are long-term effects from being trapped in a horrible classroom situation. Whether it's enough all by itself to cause BPD, I'm not so sure though. Like you said, a biological predisposition has to be there too.

Also, I put my two oldest sons in private school too, thinking I was doing the right thing. But even though nothing really bad like you described happened, my oldest son started to hate school. The classes were small, the kids were cliquish, and he got discouraged with the high level of academics (he is very intelligent, but probably not developmentally ready for such academic rigor). My second son kept up with the class and made friends, but became VERY anxious. We didn't even realize it was the school that made him so anxious until we moved and put him in public school.

SO I really can relate to what you have been through. Hindsight is 20/20.

lbjnltx - this sounds like so much progress is being made. What validation for all your research and struggle to get her this placement. I am so happy you ended the call with such joy. It sounds like the possibility of your D learning the skills she will use the rest of her life to cope with the inevitable ups & downs are getting a good foundation.

qcr  |iiii  

Oh my, here we go again!  I talked to her therapist this am.  She is still wanting to do the brain spect scan... .Last week  I talked to the Clements Clinic... .gave them history and asked this question:  Will a spect scan make any difference for my BPDd-13?  Answer:  It depends on what the patient does w/the info gathered from the scan... .80% is up to the patient.  Continue doing therapy at the residential treatment center... .if she gets stuck in her therapy there... .call us back and we will revisit this.

The girls at the residential treatment center were cleaning the community center kitchen Sunday to get it ready for the July 4th celebration breakfast (that they prepared for the community on July 5).  BPDd-13 asked a staff member "What would you do if I drank this pine sol?"  This incident went into the weekend report and was given to the treatment team.  The therapist doesn't understand why BPDd-13 said this... .self injury issue?  She still believes there is something deeper going on in my BPDd-13.  Perhaps some sexual abuse that she is not even aware of herself... . ? :'(  How can one know for sure?  Anyway... .the therapist asked me "have you contacted your insurance co. to see if they will pay for the spect scan?"  I replied "no, but I did speak to the Clements Clinic extensively and this is what they said" (see previous paragraph).

The therapist also said that she discussed w/BPDd-13 the "hearing voices and seeing things out of the corners of her eyes".  The therapist said BPDd-13 shut her down and changed the subject. The therapist doesn't know if this is still happening or not.  She said that is one of the symptoms shown by victims of brain injury... .

We are supposed to get a social call w/BPDd-13 this week and have another family therapy session Friday am.  

Does anyone have any input that would be beneficial for me to pass on to the therapist?  Personal stories w/similarities, articles, published studies?

lbjnltx

lbjnltx  . sounds so frustrating that this t, and what about her support team there, are not used to this kind of comment that has so much potential to be manipulative. Seems like a very common type of comment to test the boundaries. My DD has done this forever. A matter of fact response such as, well if you choose to drink that you will have your stomach pumped and --- whatever the result would be at the residential treatment center.

Hope your communications this week go well. Gotta go

qcr

Dear qcarol,

Those were my first thoughts too.  :)on't pwBPD sometimes just like to shock people?  See if they can get an emotional response?  No excuse for the demented question from BPDd-13... .just not a serious threat... .In my opionion!

Thanks for the validation

lbjnltx

Sweet dreams for you and precious gd5

Hi lbjnltx, I thought I'd let you know that my dd17 has said and done similar things and it's for attention.  The staff and treatment team at her RTC place her on precautions for SI behavior when she asks those off the wall questions.  She's slowly learning to keep her mouth shut, but she's acting out in other ways.

She's in a power struggle with the staff right now and she refuses to do as they say, even though she'll remain on precautions until she listens.  She's willing to risk being transferred to an adult facility to prove her point, but she'll only be transferred if she's on precautions near her 18th birthday.  Everything is a power struggle with her. 

She's asked me in front of d7 if I would buy her a sex toy.  The list goes on and on... .nothing surprises me anymore.

Didn't mean to jump off track though... .     

Dear Untouched,

Thanks for the reply.  How are you coping?  How long has your d been gone inpatient?  

I find that these disturbing bits of news (more the therapist not getting it) put little chinks in my armour and throw me slightly off the delicate balance that I have managed to achieve... .I need to be stronger I suppose.  It creates doubt in my mind that this therapist has the ability to help my BPDd-13.  Then I have to remind myself that she is just one of many at the residential treatment center that are trying to help my BPDd-13... .the equine therapy seems to be the most affective so far... .the therapist takes BPDd-13 to the barn and arena for individual therapist because BPDd-13 opens up more and projects onto the horses... .creating more open communication between them.  Her therapist says they are taking "baby steps".  The therapist has a good relationship w/BPDd-13... .therapy is focusing on behaviors and thinking errors... .making progress in spite of not fully understanding BPDd-13.

Keep us updated on how your daughter is progressing and how you are holding up as well.  

lbjnltx

lbjnltx,

I don't know what to say about the scan.  It sounds like it really wouldn't matter.  As if the treatment would be the same, but maybe more of answer if the patient was not benefiting from the care plan. 

Did the staff ask why she would ask, and take it from there?  She should have just replied in a very matter of fact, what the consequences would be for such actions.  As you stated there is more than just one staff member working with your dd.


peaceplease

lbj,

I was thinking the same thing- that maybe it was a shock thing- power play- testing the waters.  After all you did send you D to this RTC  after careful searching because D exhibited behaviors at home that were about not only power and defiance but other things as well- some shock issues too.

What I was also thinking too agrees with what you said too "the therapist takes BPDd-13 to the barn and arena for individual therapist because BPDd-13 opens up more and projects onto the horses... .creating more open communication between them".) that your D does have a good relationship with the equine T and maybe it is about who your D feels more comfortable with.  It could be that the equine T is the one who ends up helping your D to want to be healthier.  And maybe your D relates to horses because pwBPD are so mistrusting of people but animals like dogs and horsed don't hurt you- they are gentle... .and do not have human qualities that can be misinterpreted.  Also it sounds like your D is very familiar with horses as I believe I have read that you have horses?   But back to that equine T - it seems like she shows your D her own (T) love of horses and between that and both personalities ( T/D) and horses- it could be why your D is better with the equine T. 

I love that T personally from what you have reported.  She sounds wonderful.   |iiii

I also think that when you use the words "baby steps"... .that is may be another way of saying "one day at a time" i.e. not looking at the global picture or trying to predict or dissect when you get a "message" from that center that makes you feel uneasy.

That is not to say- this is easy... .and this is not to say don't keep your eyes and ears open as a mother whose D is in this place.  And this is not to say don't listen to what your intuition tells you... .

I wish I could say more to bring you some comfort, Dear lbj... .but I do want to say that I think you are a very strong and smart mother... .and your D will benefit from your qualities - and from the way you are involved with D's placement in this facility.  This situation with your D is logistically and legally not entirely out of your hands like it is for those of us whose children are over age. 


    

wtsp




wtsp




 

As a new college graduate my nonBPD 25 year old daughter was offered a job at a residential treatment center. During her training she would call me disappointed that instead of really getting to "work with" these teens she was in more of a crowd control position. She understood the reasoning that in order to maintain some level of continuity that anything that happened had to be dealt with in a certain way so the other teens did not "feed" off of my daughter's reactions. Later the therapists would address "the issues". My daughter lasted 2 weeks. It was not her thing. But it is a system that works for that residential treatment center, the place has a very good reputation.

You were confident in your residential treatment center choice. You did your research . I understand your frustration. My BPD daughter's never been in a residential treatment center but has had therapists who just didn't seem to get her. She manipulated some and others just went for an easy diagnosis after throwing their hands up in surrender to BPD. As parents we know our kids, we have developed ways to deal with their behaviors. We also are more aware of the things we would immediately address.  But maybe this fresh approach will help your daughter. Maybe it is all part of a bigger picture that will eventually lead to your daughter being healthy. There are some positive changes in your daughter, right?

I honestly don't know what to say about the scan. If your insurance won't cover it and you are not convinced it is a helpful tool then it seems non negotiable! No means no wether you be a BPD, parent or therapist! I tried researching it but only found  information that was generated by the Dr who is offereing the service. They then had links to vitamin supplements. I've never believed a supplement would help my daughter so they lost me there!

Thanks for the thoughtful replies dear friends!

peaceplease,


According to her individual therapist (the one recommending the scan who doesn't fully understand BPD traits) my BPDd-13 may have biofeedback therapy added to her treatment plan if the scan were to reveal abnormal brain activity in certain areas.  According to the Clements Clinic... .biofeedback is not any more affective than any other kind of therapy if the patient is resistant.  ;p


The information was put into a weekend report for the therapist to see.  I don't know if staff responses are included in this report.  I would guess that the well seasoned staff responded appropriately and watched BPDd-13 closely the rest of the time she had access to the chemical.

Dearest wtsp,

Thank you for the validating response.  Ironically enough, the equine therapist has not been mentioned by my BPDd-13 or BPDd-13s' individual therapist.  Perhaps because the equine therapist is less a therapist than BPDd-13's horse!  We hear a great deal about him... .a 3 year old palomino named "Little Doc".  :)

Dear tammy,


 I think the individual therapist understands how complex BPDd-13 is, just doesn't understand why or how her behaviors fit the BPD criteria.  


 This is my main concern... .that the individual therapist will waste a great deal of time on issues that are not real... .just manipulation.  I think that if I have enough contact w/individual therapist that I can help keep it "real".

lbjnltx

Thank you lbjltx! I appreciate your efforts to document your dd's RTC stay and to get it consolidated into one place once and for all! I will make great use of this valuable information and I am certain this will be a great help to many for years to come.

lbj -- what an awesome gift you give all of us parents managing to get your 10 posts for the rtc experience. I learned so much from you as this happened, and have tears reading it again as the case study. Joyfulness that your D is still making such progress in her life, using her skills, and having the supprot of you and her dad.


qcr

I certainly did not expect it to be a "feature" and was even more shocked to see it as a "case study"... .I never thought of it like that... .more just a journal for my benefit as well as a possible benefit to others who might take the time to read it.

dd15 still doing very well.  she has her moments... .yet no rages, no threats, no self harm, just normal teenage stuff... .

AHH! NORMAL IS AWESOME...

Celebrate each moment ... .give as much weight to the "normal" and unremarkable days as the tough ones.



lbjnltx

How wonderful it is to read your good news lbjnltx! It is so good to hear a happy story 

Good luck to your family. Long-term is the way to go, to learn the skills, to use the skills, for your daughter to realize that they can help her endure and move beyond the disregulation. I'm interested in following your family's journey.

My daughter went to a great program for one month then did the step down and day program, maybe two months at most. I'm thankful for one month intensive but it should come with a truth in labeling statement... .girls like my daughter who was 17 at the time, need six months or more. Pay was out of pocket and one to two months was all we could afford. Now she'll be 20 in a few weeks... .and makes her own decisions about what she will and won't do.

Take advantage of her age and get in as much treatment as possible before she turns 18.

Thank you GBirdMom for reading month 1 of our journey.  If you will notice at the bottom of the first page of this thread the other months listed (2-10) for how the journey continued.  I won't be spoiler... .in case you want to read the details for yourself (quite enlightening) ... .so I will just say for now that we continue to work with her outside of therapy for now.

lbjnltx

Oh, I just noticed the earlier dates... .thank you.

And thank you for sharing your family's journey.

I am struggling to get my daughter into residential.  The problem is, my ins doesnt cover and we cant afford it.  She is now on SSI and qualifies for medicaid.  Do you know if any of these facilities accept medicaid?  That would be a God send for us.

Thank You.

Yes, Kellygirl

Many of them do.  I believe that Red Rock Canyon... .a co ed facility in St. George Utah does.  Red Rock is a sister facility to Falcon Ridge.

The C.A.R.E. group that operates both of those facilities also just opened another facility in Utah... .not far from Falcon Ridge.  It focuses more on the arts than equine. 

Also, depending on the state you live in, even if insurance doesn't cover they are required to pay for "medically necessary" inpatient care... .this is what I hear from a friend who knows how to work the system.

Another option is the IEP.  If her pdoc and md agree that she needs inpatient care and can "order" it then her school district can be held financially responsible for paying for her placement. 

I will check w/Mariah at Red Rock today and ask her about the Medicare and the new facility.

I will get back to you on this ASAP.

Hang in there mom!

lbjnltx

Thanks so much!  I feel like when I call around to get info, it just keeps going in circles... .she is 19 now, so nothing to do with the school district applies at this point.

Kelly

And how do people find out how to "work" the system?  All I want is help for my daughter.  Everyone tells me she needs a case manager, but I dont know how to get one for her.  I feel like there is so much out there for her, but I dont know how to access it.

That makes a big difference.  The CARE facilities that I spoke of only accept minors...

Have you found any facilities that you believe would help her?

Getting a case manager would most likely need to be done with her cooperation and through the Mental Health System that she is a patient of... .I really don't know.  Is she currently in outpatient therapy?  Does she want to go to a residential facility?

lbjnltx

Yes, she has always wanted to go to residential.  How does one get a case manager?  Right now she sees Therapist weekly and Psychiatrist monthly.

Is her t and pdoc care through a county agency?

lbjnltx

Ibjnltx,

Your story has touched me in so many ways. First I had been told to look into Falcon Ridge. My DD does not have a BPD Dx, but her eval states things like personality traits that can "lead to a personality disorder" and describe her black and white thinking. When I showed it to another therapist, he said it was clear that the phychologist was coming as close to giving her a Dx without giving her a label (likely because she is a minor). I had to go to another state for her LD Dx because my state does not like to give kids labels. I thought the correct label of dyslexia rather than generic reading disorder would help her get the correct remediation, which it did. Now I wish I had the correct Dx for her mental health issues so I know we are doing the right things to help her.

Anyway, My daughter went to an RTC for 10 months when she was 14. I constantly felt like her therapist was ignoring the Psych eval. She had him wrapped around her finger. He treated her for clinical OCD, which she showed no signs of before she went, and no signs of once she came home. I kept saying OCD seems easy to fake. She became very interested in the drug use of the peers at the school. She told many lies about things she had done, concerts she had gone to... .He saw no signs of the ODD she had and said it must be just situational with her parents. I was always butting heads with her t. She graduated the program, came home started a new school. The counselor at her new school took one look at old report cards that always said nice things but had a "but... ." in them and said she saw ODD from her generally good grades. Within one month in this new private school, she told us she saw signs of a personality disorder. Wow 10 months of RTC, and her t. saw none. She did well for a while when she came home, and then set out on a plan to do all the things she had learned about at the RTC : Heroin, meth, prostitution, new ways to steal... .

She is currently in a wilderness treatment. I figured it would give us the time to figure out what to do next. At least I know she is safe for 6-12 weeks. So after one month you seemed on the fence with the RTC. And a little put out with the t. like I was at my daughters first RTC. how did your and your daughters experience end there? would you recommend it?

Dear findhope,

Glad you are here.  As an advisor on this site I must first address the need for you to post an introduction on the New Members Board... .ok, formalities out of the way... .Thank you for reading the first month of the case study for my daughter's RTC experience.  If you look at the bottom of page 1 of this thread, you will find highlighted in blue months 2-10. 

It was quite an experience.  We all learned so so much.  My daughter enjoyed her first anniversary of her graduation March 19, 2012.

Would I recommend Falcon Ridge... .you bet!

lbjnltx

It is hard, my son has been in residential for 2 weeks, they are impressing me so far. I have said it is breathe of fresh air not having to worry about sleeping through the night, and worrying about what our next crisis is.  I wish you the best of luck!

Good morning Ibj

Hope and pray for your daughter and I am sure you are doing the best for her. What if she says no, can they keep her there forcibly?

Yes, they could have Barbara as she was a minor at the time. When graduation time came she cried because she didn't want to leave this wonderful place and wonderful people... .her friends and mentors.  She's 18 now and doing very well.  Keep reading the story... .it's a happy ending.  :)

RTC is a fantasy for all but a very few.  If a family can come up with that kind of money, and then one family member balks, he should consider the rest of us who are still trying to payoff the last emergency room visit and would give our left arm for an RTC for our daughters.  Get off the fence and support this opportunity Dad!  My Goodness!

Hi Mseltz,

My husband did get with the program and never regretted the financial commitment it took to help our daughter.  Sadly, he passed away about 2 years ago.

If you would like to continue reading about our RTC experience you can find the links below.



lbjnltx

---

BPD d13 in residential treatment center «

Month 1  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563) Month 2   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=177524) Month 3   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=125264)

Month 4  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=127415) Month 5   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=129653) Month 6   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=131681)

Month 7  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133797) Month 8   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136413) Month 9   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138842)

Month 10   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140551)

I am looking for a residential treatment center for my 13 yr old daughter. We are in Colorado. Please share success stories you have had. There are lots of bad reviews out there and I don't know where to turn.

What a wonderful thread to read.  The people here seem so good-hearted and kind. I'm happy I found this site and hope to be able to contribute to it.   The biggest part of the original thread that got to me was this
 The 24/7 therapeutic environment will eventually wear her down and put her in the position of self reflection and recognizing personal responsibility.

I am with that in prayers and hope as my daughter has been in an RTF for over a year now and has regressed in her treatment.