BPDFamily.com

Are you able to acknowledge and meet your wants and needs? Take the poll and add a comment on your predominant "wants and needs" style (see the list below):

• What style(s) do you usually display, too dependent, antidependent, needless/wantless, confused, aware/appropriate, or a mix?

• What are some examples of your style?

• What are you doing to improve your style, if it's not ideal?

1. Too Dependent. I know my needs or wants but expect other people to take care of them for me, and I wait, expecting them to know to do so as I do not take care of them myself.

2. Antidependent. I am able to acknowledge to myself that I have needs and wants, but I try to meet them myself and am unable to accept help or guidance from anyone else. I'd rather go without the thing needed or wanted than be vulnerable and ask for help.

3. Needless and Wantless. Although I have needs or wants, I am not aware of them.

4. Confused between Needs and Wants. I know what I want and I get it, but I don't know what I need. For example, I try to take care of my needs that I'm unaware of by buying everything I want. Though I may need physical nurturing, I buy some new clothes instead.

5. Aware of and Able to Act Appropriately on Needs and Wants. I am aware of my needs and wants and am able to act in an appropriate way to meet them, either independently or through healthy, mutual relationships.

6. Mixed. Any combination of the others.

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I was going to pick 3 but I'm not sure that's exactly accurate.  I don't seem to have very many wants that I can identify at the moment (working on it).  I know what my needs are (more or less) - but I've recently switched to meeting most of them myself rather than getting them from others (not ALL of them, mind you ).

I actually started a related thread on this on another dating advice forum a long time ago - about how I know quite a few people who are very smart, reasonably healthy, etc - and claimed they knew what they wanted - and got that for the most part in the person they married - but are now getting divorced.  My question was... . do we ever really know what we want, until after we get it? (and then sometimes realize that's not what we really wanted)

For me, I'm doing the inner work to move from codependent/people-pleaser/"nice guy" to finding myself, identifying my likes/dislikes, discovering my strengths/weaknesses, etc.

I am a mix. 

#1.  I NEVER expect people to do things for me.  Well ok, I expect the housekeeper to clean for me.  That's about it. 

#2 alot.  Its gotten me into trouble.  It is something I have REALLY been working on.  Asking for help and then taking it, HUGE deal for me.  I am pretty proud of how far I have come actually.  This came in a huge revelation with regards to a very bad weight problem I had.  I was the queen of "I can do it myself".  But once I started asking people for help and actually taking it, I changed my entire life!  And I lost over an entire person and I am fit and healthy now. 

#3 My mom is like this, but not really me

#4 Yes!  This is an issue.  It is hard for me to figure out what is a need and what is a want.  Sometimes VERY hard

#5 I am getting more and more like this every day.

I'm still a bit closer to 2 - Antidependent - but thanks to growing up, therapy, and the influences of other mentally healthy people, I'm definitely working my way towards 5.

In the past I've definitely been, if anything, too independent - afraid of commitment and afraid to ask anything of anyone or to put my own needs on a level with everyone else's. If I needed anything, I either took care of it myself or pushed it to the side and determined I didn't need it after all. I put everyone else's needs first.

My therapist once remarked that growing up in my house with my mom (uBPD, although my T has been careful not to inappropriately diagnose her she does say my mom definitely has some pd based on everything I've said), there "wasn't any room" for my feelings or the feelings of anyone else in the family except my mother. I think because of that, I trained myself or was trained to need or ask for less than what I needed.

Age has a lot to do with it for me. 20 years ago I would have said #2, I was too stressed out being a young wife, Mother and a selfish, ungrateful manipulative daughter to a witch UBPD Mother to have made any time for myself. Now that I am LC with Mother, kids are semi adults, DH and I have made peace with all the  cohabitational matters I make time for myself.

Very much a #2 when it comes to practical things in life.  A #3, I'm realizing, when it comes to emotional things.  Or even a #1.  I've realized that for many years I was waiting for my mom to fix our relationship, when that's never going to happen.  I didn't realize that I was waiting for that, though, due to my general tendency to be out of touch with my emotional life. 

As far as steps toward improving these things, I'm starting to realize that I'm part of a community, in which bonds are built both by giving and receiving love and care.  For the longest time I thought that receiving care would mean being hated or despised by the person doing the helping (that was the model in my family, caretaking was served up with a generous side of contempt), but I've found that's not true for most people, particularly those who have, on their own initiative, offered to do me some service.  So it's getting easier to accept offers of help.  And I'm working on becoming more aware of my emotional life by checking in regularly with my inner child, and making an effort to take my emotional needs into consideration.  Little by little... .!

Im #1#2and#3 i guess that makes me #6.

I think it comes down to the abuse inflicted by exNPD. I was of no consequence, my needs or wants were never satisfied and if i even looked like i wanted something i was made out to be the most selfish person on the planet.

I still feel selfish or maybe the word is undeserving,  although i do take care of my kids needs and wants completely. When i am not coping i go into shut down. my family recognise the need for intervention and go into full swing. Im either too proud or too scared of looking needy to ask. I just cant bring myself to say"HELP" I think that i dont have the luxury of breaking down because i have 3 kids and a GD that i have to care for. My d18 has BPD too so that has distracted me from me.

I am working toward #5 and with the help here i will succeed!

 neverenz

I am a #6... .it's always a combo plate when asking for what I want or need... .it depends on what it is I am in need or want of at the time.

C

I fluctuate between #2 and #5, so #6. Often when I ask for help, don't get it--Perhaps, I ask those who cannot help me?

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I truly think I'm both #1 and #2 but in reverse order.

2. Antidependent. I am able to acknowledge to myself that I have needs and wants, but I try to meet them myself and am unable to accept help or guidance from anyone else. I'd rather go without the thing needed or wanted than be vulnerable and ask for help.

1. Too Dependent. I know my needs or wants but expect other people to take care of them for me, and I wait, expecting them to know to do so as I do not take care of them myself.

I've been used to being #2 for the majority of my life.  I'm the go-to person.  A regional VP of a company actually wrote that on a recommendation letter about me!  And I have always been the go-to person in my family.  Now that I think of it, I've been that way with my friends as well.  But in my family, it's excessive.  I recently shared this feeling with my mother and she remarked that I sound resentful about it... .and that she would be if she were me.  I'm not sure I feel entirely resentful because afterall, I did put myself in that position with my family, or at least kept myself in that position.  But I'm learning to change that.  And at times, can then be #1.

I think I was very much #1 with my uBPDh.  I think I was this way because I was tired of being #2 all the time and he took control (obvious it was the bad kind of control) and he allowed me (forced me) to be weak.  I believe that a part of me enjoyed that in the beginning because someone else could take the lead for a while.  Bad decision.

Both of these are too polarizing.  I'm working on finding middle ground.  Just look at my tagline!

A few years back I would have said I was a #2, but as I've matured, worked on myself, and through life experiences I have been able to work my way to a #5.

When it comes to family of origin there are times when I fall back at #2, but not by choice. Because I've been so Anti-dependent I still struggle with my family members wanting/expecting me to fix/help everyone and to basically not ask for any help, to take it all, and not complain. But through some tough love they've had to come to a realization that things have changed.

In intimate relationships I am at a #5 as well. I am pretty independent but I ask for help if it's needed and I also communicate my needs, wants, and limits to my SO. I also try to be as fair as possible, if my partner expresses his need/want or concern/issue, I listen to his side without judgment and I try my best to explain my side, as well as show my partner that I have listened/understood his side and that I empathize. I am a lot more aware of myself than ever before. To the point that I can explain to my partner what issue I have and what can be the cause of it.Sometimes I go as far as understanding where it is surfacing from, the root cause, and even if it's something physical.

I still struggle sometimes, I am not perfect, I am only human, and that's OK. All I can do is learn and work on myself.

I'm needless and wantless.

I've never known a life, where my needs were ever considered. Ever. Hence, I have trouble even being aware of them. I suppose they're in there somewhere, but I rarely drag them out of my mental closet and look at them.

In fact, I have several friends... .and all of them need me. They call ME for advice. They look to ME, for comfort. They ask Me for my potato salad recipe. (Okay, maybe not the last one; just checking to see if you're really reading.  :))

Seriously, even my husband (as much as I love him) takes more than he gives... .which is fine with me. It works. I wouldn't know how to act, if he didn't lean on me.

I am mixed. I think I lean towards #2, anti-dependent. I am trying to work on it though, because I realize this is not a great way to live. I also think #2 requires a lot of "surrendering", meaning that if you ask for help, you have to accept the kind of help you are going to get, and not demand it being done all your way, which is admittedly tough for me. For example, if someone cleans the bathroom, I have a habit of going back over the work to "touch up" certain areas. I have to learn to leave that alone. It makes the other person who helped feel like cr*p, and it defeats the purpose of getting the help in the first place.

I understand why I want to do everything on my own and not want help (obligation issues from childhood), but I don't quite get the perfectionist thing where I would go over and re-do someone else's work.

?

I am # 6 (mixed) because I see myself in #2 antidependant and #5.  After years of realizing that my H is not in a position to follow through or sometimes respect my needs/wants I have learned to "stuff" them, take care of them myself, or find fulfillment outside of my marriage.  While I never expected my spouse to satisfy all my needs it is has been a process of letting go and grieving the reality that he is unable to be the partner I thought I married.  I realized I am in charge of my own needs/wants and give myself permission to satisfy them more often.

Needless and wantless.  I have an uBPDh, a 3 year old boy, a 1 year old boy and a 100 pound, geriatric dog.  Oh, and a demanding career.  I'm flying through each day and can not remember the last time I wore my silky, long hair down and bothered to put on eye make up, or any kind of make up.   

One can only do this for so long without loosing yourself. This is how many of us ended up in these situations in the first place. Althea, you have importance and worth as a wife, mother, friend and individual. Don't ever discount or fore sake these things by short changing your needs (and wants) for the others. We all need to take the time and invest in ourselves first and above all else. And this doesn't me we do this as the expense of others.

(Nice to see you Althea!)

I'm finding these categories quite helpful in thinking about this issue, one I've been aware of for a long time and am still working on.

I'm a combo of dependent, anti-dependent, and some healthy thrown in!


This goes back to the whole idea that the way I feel is the responsibility of those close to me, and the way they feel is my responsibility. Odd how hard it is for me to get that we're all responsible for our own emotions. Very classic BPD kinda thing, and it really fVcked with my DBPDSO at the start of our relationship. :)

I am always amazed how my BPDw is so deeply and emotionally affected (in a negative way) by other's actions or words, especially that of strangers. It is as if she is powerless to make a conscious choice not to be affected by them. Every time I suggest that it is only by choice if we allow someone to emotionally affect us I get this utterly confused look and usually a comment referring to Spock, autism or the like.

(http://www.3pointd.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/spock.jpg)

Now, if only I could perform the 'mind-meld'!

I think I am a pretty mixed bag - even trying to put myself in a type has me confused. I think I know what i want and need, and I do my best to get whatever it is without taking anything away from those around me and feel really bad if I believe I have taken care of myself at someone else's expense. This is really most apparent in the splitting up of my time. And I have a lot of power in my family, and am not really sure why I get that dependence on me and am very resentful of having to be so aware of what everyone else needs at any moment and feeling like I have to figure out the balance for everyone in my little family. I used to do this for my large extended family ( 6 siblings), but have become quite isolated from them as dealing with dBPDD24 has isolated us from most of my family that that either can't watch the painful show, or believes they are helping me be less enabling by no longer being available to help.

Not sure where I am at in dealing with this mess right now - but sure am hoping to find a path to a healthier place for myself in life. Seems all the startegies, reading, therapy, etc. is just leaving me with an overwhelming amount of data to process with not much results.

Think I have a lot of work to do.

qcr

i'm a #5

i work hard at knowing/acknowledging and meeting the needs of those i love in a healthy way... .so i expect the same in return.  i don't have too many needs that i can't meet for myself or through prayer but when i voice a healthy need or make a request for a "want" i expect them to be met.  i deserve to  have my needs met.

lbjnltx

I'm a #5.  I know my needs and wants and usually find a way to fulfill them.  Some wants can't be taken care of at this point of my life, but I can wait.  Most people are aware of what I need or want from them because I am a talker.

#6, by virtue of being a combination of #1, #2, and #3. I've done a lot of work toward identifying "needs" so that I can function, more or less. I still forget those things sometimes, and fall back on being needless and wantless; because that is how I spent most of my life. To the point of forgoing extremely basic needs (like food and shelter) because I didn't think I needed those things. Or finding things that maybe should have been "wants" and getting them very tangled up with "needs." But, yes, initially very needless and wantless. For a very long time, I didn't really consider "wants" at all, and rationalized that if I didn't absolutely need something, then I didn't want it either. I still struggle a lot with this.

I think that initially, starting therapy/recovery I wanted to be antidependent and manage everything for myself; because then I wouldn't have to "need" anyone else. Unfortunately, broken thinking can't fix broken thinking and I crashed and burned pretty hard trying to do that. I would still like to see myself as "I'll take care of everything myself, including everyone else, so there!" but I don't think that is really- reality. For me anyway.

Starting a relationship, he and I went back and forth with dependency things. Fortunately, he's a very patient person with lots of practice with boundaries from his own family issues. I think I'm more likely to rely on someone else for "needs" if, anything. I have trouble asking anyone for something I might just "want," and get confused again that if I don't really absolutely need something from them, then I don't want it from them, so I don't say anything. Thankfully, there are people in my life that encourage me to "use my words" and not just be a reclusive weirdo.

I am antidependent but working hard on asking for any help I need and want.

I have run into a surprising challenge with this; it's been strangely tricky for me to ask in an appropriate way. Take today, for example. I have a broken foot at the moment and at one point when I was out shopping this afternoon I very much needed to sit down. My foot was hurting badly but it was tough for me to stress the magnitude of my need to the people I was with. One to practice, I guess.

I am antidependent working toward moderation. Growing  up the way I did there was no concern for my needs and if I did express a need it was a weakness to be used against me or even withheld.

My husband teases me because he will offer to do something for me and I'll tell him, "Oh I'll do it." He then proceeds to tell me, "Look I am offereing just let me do whatever, I WANT to do this, Okay?" After 12 years now I still catch myself every now and then, but I'm slowly releasing these ingrained survival instincts gone wrong, and it feels  :)!   

I feel that I am too antidependent to answer otherwise.  Although my husband and I are working towards a more healthy moderation. :)

Gaining more understanding about wants and needs or wants versus needs.   I studied Maslow's HIERARCHY of needs when I was at university many years ago... It still remains a good indication of my needs. Those are fairly reasonable to me.  Although, wanting my spiritual wants and needs met takes quite a bit of extra effort on my part at this time I'm doing a good balancing between mind, body and spirit.  My physical health needs are usually what gets my attention first and knowing I can not put them off or consequences would not be beneficial... it does make a difference at what motivates me to keep this balance going.  Health needs always take the precedent.    Still reflecting on this topic  when it comes to inter personal needs in relationships... .I want to improve at asking for what I need instead of feeling less confident at times.   It is still difficult for me to have a mother who is BPD and interact with her without having anxiety.   Always in the process of becoming who I meant to be... MYSELF.

What style(s) do you usually display, too dependent, antidependent, needless/wantless, confused, aware/appropriate, or a mix?

My style is very mixed. Sometimes I am antidependent and was this more so when my parents separated when I was about 17. I had this very clear thought that my parents are no together, they were hurting and I no longer had a family unit to rely on - not that I could rely on them to begin with. So I took on a "strong" facade - I can look after myself and all I have to rely on is me - that way I can avoid being hurt.

Now after realising my pattern of r/s - all NPD, BPD or OCD (or mixed - oo that all sounds so scary) - I clearly have no clue about my own personal needs or wants, otherwise I would have bolted for the barn well before I was emotionally invested. This is a hard pattern to break. I am used to emotionally turbulent r/s - this is testament to my childhood and alcoholic parent. I was NOT permitted to have needs or wants - instead I was expected to placate my father so my mother did not cop more abuse. Silent child syndrome. I am still silent at the age of 38.

I know what my needs/wants are somewhat - in the sense I dont realise them at the time - I realise them when I get that gut churning unsettling feeling - again too late. I head into r/s with a free for all spirit. Surrender to the cosmos instead of choosing my partners they choose me. The BPD overstepped many boundaries and I would buck up but it was all too late. One boundary I know I have is cheating - I told him that - funnily enough that is what he used to sabotage the r/s.

What are some examples of your style?

I find this one hard to answer - maybe I am not at the recognition stage yet. I can be somewhat passive agressive when I know my boundaries are crossed - I am what they call counterphobic. I dont voice my boundaries, sit on them which causes increasing pain, discomfort and resentment. Then I explode and kick them to the curb. While being counterphobic helped me kick the BPD out - I can do it prematurely with others.

I procrasinate in setting a boundary - time goes on - then it gets even more difficult.

What are you doing to improve your style, if it's not ideal?

I am listening to my body and what it is telling me. My T is always asking me to slow down and think and feel. This is all new to me. Feelings was something I had avoided, ignored. Once I slow down and feel - my intuition kicks in. I know there is something i need to act on. Interestingly I also ignore that gut churning feeling the whole time I was the BPDex.

I try to set my boundaries firmly and calmly - however at this stage of my healing process I still find I am a little counterphobic and procrasinate but I am getting better at it. Its a tiring process because listening to my intution is so foreign I am learning to trust it - but its a full time job right now.

I think right now I am a 'mixed' - mixed up that is. I am both 'dependent' and 'antidependent'. I step back and wait for someone else to take care of something, then it doesn't get done so I end up doing it with lots of resentment and anger. Yet I want to be very in control of how EVERYTHING is done. The past couple of weeks I have been kind of explosive around my house - who has BPD?  I need to truly let go of some things and allow others in my household to mange these 100% - resist that urge to go back to do it over to my standards or criticize how it was done. Need to just be joyful it was done. :)

A friend today asked me who was important to me, in order of importance. I said, myself-gd6-hd-dd25. THen she asked - what about the 2 puppies driving me to distraction? Well, tho the dogs seem to really love me I could easily do without them. So she asked why am I the one doing so much to take care of them. Let the family members that chose to get them do the taking care of. And guess what - DD took her 54lb. pup with her to the park to spend the night with her homeless friends, and Dh is taking the 8lb. pup out tonight. So I am left with more energy to care for gd6, who has a sore throat and sore stitches from the little puppy bite on her face. And since she is starting to cry in bed, guess my time at bpdfamily.com is done for tonight.

qcr xoxo

I am 26, only daughter of a single pbdmom with a Queen/Waif duplicitous personality.

Through work with my current t, as well as general interaction in the family of my husband (which has only normal dysfunction- no pd), I am learning normal ways that people express needs and wants.  The hardest part has been identifying my wants.  I never had an option growing up; what I wanted was totally irrelevant.  I also tend to overestimate the wants vs. the needs.  By that I mean, I tend to think that getting more than one pair of shoes at a time is a *want*, because I only ever had one pair of shoes.  I thought that getting more than one toothbrush a year was a *want*, until I learned that people are supposed to change them more often.  I also grew up thinking that buying too many types of household cleaners was a *want*.  Anything can look nice with a bit of Windex.  Now I understand that for hygiene reasons, you need things with bleach in them.  I just didn't know that before, because it was not an option.

Also, simple questions such as ":)o you like purple more than blue?" take a lot of concentration on my part.  I really have to first think about the fact that this question is actually being asked of me (otherwise I might say, "Well blue is nice on some people, but others look better in purple" or some other evasive answer), and also about what my opinion is on this subject, since I seem to lack the ability to automatically judge things, like other people do.  It seems to me that when my husband sees two things (say, a purple shirt, and a blue shirt), he instantly decides which one he likes more.  I just don't do that.  I had a difficult time in my first few years of university, because I kept having to express an opinion, and I normally don't actually form an opinion on anything at all.  I think my upbringing was such that in order to avoid getting raged at, or made fun of, I never expressed (and therefore never formed) opinions as a child.  My default is to figure out what the other person wants, and just agree to that.  I'm learning now that figuring out my own wants helps other people be a LOT less confused, and my relationship with my husband is much better for it.  Plus, I found out, I really like purple!

Of course, the more I declare my own wants and needs, the more strained my relationship with bpmom is :/  It feels like a loose-loose situation sometimes, but at least now I can make decisions.  I also feel like it is another step in freeing myself from my bpmom's control.  I don't have to like what she likes.  I can buy all the damn toothbrushes I want.  I can even have two at once if I want to.  It feels pretty awesome :)

Hmmm, I learned early on that I could not be a 1, although when I was younger I tried. lol That didn't work so I became 2 as a way of correcting for 1. That wasn't satisfying, but I didn't become 3. Often during my life I was confused about needs and wants (4), but I didn't take my BPD back so I guess what I needed trumped what I wanted. Working toward 5, but am 6.

Diotima

This is a good poll.

I'd say that there are things I want, but don't know how to ask for them, or I feel like I'm demanding them rather than they are things that people would naturally want and know how to ask for if they are of a healthier mind.

Did that make sense?

There are some things within my control.  For example.  I want to be 50 pounds lighter.  No one can do that for me.  So, I've been going to the gym 5-6 times a week for the entire summer.  Took me three months to lose only 10 pounds... .so I have to be in this for the long haul.  I am hoping that once I give this to myself, it will be easier to ask of others what I need from them.

I think it comes from within yourself first, though.

This is very helpful - thanks!

I used to be a 2 - antidependent - still struggle with that some but am also a 5 - learning to ask.

PictureLady

WOW, what an eye-opener today. My life is just not better, maybe worse with the same crap as in August. Just can't seem to stand up to DD25 to protect my needs in the face of her tremendous bullying about her wants. Since she is able to live in our home, when she chooses to be here, her needs are pretty much taken care of. The rest is what she wants.

How do I get the strength and courage to take care of myself and gd6 in this home? I keep looking to someone outside my home to do this for me - police, ER, mental health center staff. I just don't look to DD to take care of herself here. Kind of the veil or FOG of the holiday season also gives a sense of urgency to postpone any confrontation. I need to DD to be a visitor in my home, not a resident. Then if she is not able to follow the rules for respectfulness, she can legally be asked to leave immediately. I need to tell her this deadline and be prepared to get a court ordered eviction. Have to let her choose. I know what I need to do.

Still mixed --

qcr xoxo

I have experienced all of these over the course of my life.


This describes my "style" when I was attached to my xBPDgf, and probably also as a child growing up in my Family of Origin (FOO).  I think that as a child, I was discouraged from seeing to my own needs (I certainly wasn't taught by good example), or in exerting my own independence because that would trigger my mother's fear of abandonment.  And when I was very enmeshed with my xBPDgf, I remember almost obsessing over her "issues" while neglecting my own.  And indeed my fantasy would be that when she got "settled" she would be able to reciprocate.  She never got "settled."  Moreover, the less stable she was, the more I would struggle to put out the fires.  And as I became more conscious that this was a very dysfunctional dynamic, she soon found a replacement for me.


This describes my "style" prior to becoming enmeshed with my xBPDgf and to some degree how I function now.  Being vulnerable is like pulling my own teeth.  This would be made worse by selecting for confidants people who are unable to recognize my vulnerability.  I remember alternating between (1) and (2) as if I would force myself to live in an emotional desert until I was dying of such "thirst" that I would latch myself onto the most inappropriate kind of person (ie, a pwBPD).  It is my endeavor to find a middle ground between these two styles.


This describes me when I "live" in my head (ie, intellect).  I have been so disconnected from my own needs and wants that there were times that I deluded myself into believing that I had no such emotional requirements; this was not true.  I was just so disconnected from my feelings that I was not sensitive to what they might be.  I see this also as my state of being after being traumatized, such as immediately after my BPD relationship ended.


This also describes some of my routine challenges.  I consider myself lazy when it comes to self-care.  Or I am all to willing to set aside my own needs and wants in order to meet someone else's needs and wants.  Taking care of myself is like pulling teeth.  One habit I have, is after finding a new source of stimulation, such as finding a new hiking path, or a new creative outlet, is then I would depend too much on that one outlet.  Rather than continuing with exploring new sources, I would lean on the "tried and true" sources.  This is like realizing that I like X brand of cereal and then for months on end only eating brand X.  And all that time I am thinking I am meeting my own needs/wants by repeating what once was a nice stimulation.  The truth is, I starve myself of new stimulations too often.  

I see this kind of habit as falling under this category because I confuse myself by being unable to acknowledge that my needs and wants are subject to change.  The more time I spend "in my head" the more likely I am to make a big mistake such as this.



I would like to think that I fall into this style once in a while.  It is, however, like pulling teeth to stay in this style of functioning.  And it is embarrassing sometimes to realize that this is so, but it is what it is.  So it is helpful to acknowledge that this is part of my recovery process.

Schwing

P.S.  You'd think that after pulling so many teeth, I'd be toothless by now.

Although I have experienced most of what Schwing described in the previous post, I want to single out this one! It speaks volumes. To not provide oneself with new stimulation is to starve oneself. For me, it replays my childhood because my mother had no idea that such things were important and as a defensive measure against the vagaries of the world I internalized this. I took up less and less space in order to be safe from all that my mother feared about the world. This has been a continual battle. Enter BPD: worldly high functioning academic with whom I worked and traveled the world and met so many interesting people. It was a dream come true and I could accompany him. Now I am trying to rebuild this for myself because I know I need all the intellectual stimulation that he provided. I did know this before but I had not developed the skills to provide for it as much as I need to.

So, I am off for a two week trip to France by myself and for part of that I will go to an education retreat at Thich Nhat Hanh's Plum Village. I have lined up two conferences for the Spring and am working on a presentation that hopefully will be accepted for one of them. I am facing quite a few demons that want me to scale down to conform to my childhood shrunk down space where no one will notice me--and hence I won't be a target.

Thanks Scwhing for the post.

Diotima

Anti-dependent: scared to death to ask for help b/c of fear of ridicule and debasing of my assertion that I've got a need or want to be met.  Thus, I punish myself by anguishing over asking for help, fantasizing about the response being negative, and more general self-punishment for good measure.

confused: I often go shopping when what I really need is a hug, or validation, or praise - thank God for Target! And then I feel guilty for spending money and being environmentally irresponsible for driving all the way there and buying stuff made in unhealthy ways that I don't need anyways.  So I am confused, and then I punish myself.  

and needless and wantless: when the situation calls for it (ie, I'm with my parents, or recently, narcissistic (now ex)boyfriend!)  I go blank and hide behind several well fortified walls, complete with moats when I'm with the parents, and it's still not enough!

This all sounds very depressing, but I'm glad to know it, and I've been working on it, thanks to T.  And now, thanks to this topic, I can renew my resolve to continue to work on getting my needs met in a healthy way with healthy expectations, and stop trying to be invisible and melt into the walls.  

I'm a 2 and have been my entire life, with the exception of my relationship with my husband. He's the first person who's love for me is unquestionable, and that has allowed me to be less guarded, less independent, and to show weakness without fearing the consequences.

Since childhood I've been the fixer, the mediator, the capable and calm one no matter what was thrown at me. I too build sturdy walls around myself: I'm extremely uncomfortable when friends offer compassion or concern, congratulate me on achievements, or thank me for gifts etc. But I'm getting better with age.

I guess the antidependent is probably the closest to my style.  I have several really important needs that have not been met in my RS with my UBPDW.  The big one is INTIMACY.  She has refused Intimacy in any form, for the last 35 years, and has refused to initiate, or give hugs or intimacy for 40+ years.  She has not told me she loves me for 43 years since our wedding day.  If I even hint about any sort of intimacy needs, she looses it completely and makes a huge scene about my horrible behavior by bringing something like that up.  I very carefully asked her if she loves me this last Thanksgiving time, and she answered that she does not know.  That answer, after 43 years of marriage, means NO! to me, and absolutely NO!, since her behavior, and actions tell me the answer is NO!. 

     All, I can do is work on my Codependent problems, as I am getting stronger, and distancing myself, so I can act properly in my own behalf.

Art

1. Too Dependent. I know my needs or wants but expect other people to take care of them for me, and I wait, expecting them to know to do so as I do not take care of them myself.

- I expect my needs to be met on a realistic level. I try to express my needs. Not so much mind reading needed. 

2. Antidependent. I am able to acknowledge to myself that I have needs and wants, but I try to meet them myself and am unable to accept help or guidance from anyone else. I'd rather go without the thing needed or wanted than be vulnerable and ask for help.

- Check. This one rings truest for me. I try to be very independent, but I love the closeness of a relationship and its benefits. However, I sometimes fear asking for help or support because I don't want to appear vulnerable or needy and instead must fulfill the stereotype of a strong man, even though I know I am sensitive and need help some times. Admitting that is sometimes problematic.



3. Needless and Wantless. Although I have needs or wants, I am not aware of them.

4. Confused between Needs and Wants. I know what I want and I get it, but I don't know what I need. For example, I try to take care of my needs that I'm unaware of by buying everything I want. Though I may need physical nurturing, I buy some new clothes instead.

- I'm not so much like this in the buying material things sense. But when my needs are not met on a consistent basis, I tend to sink myself further into work, hobbies, or other pursuits, while ignoring the problems in the RS.

5. Aware of and Able to Act Appropriately on Needs and Wants. I am aware of my needs and wants and am able to act in an appropriate way to meet them, either independently or through healthy, mutual relationships.

I strive to be like #5, but sometimes fail. I need to work on better communicating my needs to my partner in a clear, nonthreatening, and kind manner.

6. Mixed. Any combination of the others.

I'm a combination of all the above I suppose.

Is there another answer that was left out? None of the above?

I feel I know my needs and wants but I put everyone and everything before my happiness... . I am the giver and I am not the taker... . my friends come to me for help... . I show up with soup or flowers when they are down... .

I buy myself flowers every week when I go grocery shopping... . I don't know what that makes me... . I am happy if my family is happy... . if my children are healthy... . I guess I lack self worth... . I am the mother of all mothers... . I want to make sure everything is good for everyone... . I want to fix everything... . I want to rescue too... .

hey Scallops, have you read this?

Karpman Triangle

Vivek   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=ca584314bcc295ae548861214fa2acd3&topic=108440.0/url)

thanks Vivek ... . that is a good article... . I am going to have to read it a few more times as that is a lot to take in... . thank you for suggesting it... . |iiii

I chose both 1 and 2. It may seem paradoxical, but as a result of my refusal to ask for/accept help, there have been times where I have become completely dependent on others to make the hard choices for me. I let situations fester and I procrastinate and I end up with everything in such a tangle that I have in the past had a tendency to simply give up.
Also, as a result of my need to help others whether they ask for help or not, I have difficulty accepting help and difficulty understanding why everyone else doesn't help automatically.

Also, I should mention that I've learned to stand on my own; what I'm writing about is what would come naturally to me.

I had a look at the answers onneeds and wants and cant figure out which one I would come under I have been in this relationship now for nearly 5 years and I dont really have any needs or wants the only thing I need is for my partner to be healthy make sure if hes I'll or anything I take care of him and my only wants are what he really needs or wants as long as hes alright that's all that matters to me his health is more important to me than my life I may need a bit of love and romance in return for all the love and romance and other things I give him