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Just had it confirmed that my ex left me 2 weeks ago and is remarrying his ex wife in 10 days.  We were together off and on for over 4 years and every time he left me, he went back to her.  They were even having their divorce annulled last fall and didn't go through with it.

I'm sick and hurting and wondering why in the world I allowed this to happen to myself.  Will he go through with the wedding?  Will it last?  Do I send her the e-mails he sent me last week about how much he missed me, loved me, and always would?  Or do I see this as final closure and stop the rollercoaster for good?

Please help

Don't allow it to continue to happen any more.  You have the power to stop this.

Be completely done with everything.  No more contact.  Nothing.

Heal. Move on. Find someone good/healthy/etc.

He never left her.

And he never left you.


She has the same emails- but with her name on them.


You've both been "subsumed." Whether or not you realized it, you (and she) have been objectified and subsumed for 4 long years.  This is a recycling pattern that supports cluster B personality disorders. In other words, you are owned by him.

There are two ways of looking at this: the first is from your own perspective- which is wanting love- but finding it within a relationship that pulls it away, keeping you feeling insecure and anxious. The second way is from the disordered perspective, which is dangling a carrot outside of your reach and manipulating your want- into a competition with another "object." (Both of you are being used.)

Legal documents like marriage certificates don't mean a thing when it comes to personality disorders. The game is played on one-upmanship, and blocks of time modifying and codifying each player.  She wants to be married to prove his faithfulness. He obliges. That means that he has a system of arrangement that suits the disorder to a T.  These personality constructs dont just disappear.  She'll get an awful surprise when she shakes the rice out of her shoes and sees that he's still recycling YOU.

So get yourself a confidante- one who is professional and can help you voice your anger, dismay and who will also help you through your depression and loneliness. Eventually you will come to an acceptance- and that's one that exists without a constant watchful eye over whether or not their marriage will fail and he will return to you. Do you hold out hope.

The personality disorder will see to it that you and she will both be played off of one another for as long as you allow it.

It's up to you to say No.

It's up to you ~ to learn the reasons why you are attracted to this dynamic of sharing and caring for a person that changes his mind on a whim. The reasons are within you. As long as you keep focused on him- you'll never find out about yourself. This is the most important life changing experience you will ever know. It is enough to rise to the occasion and get counseling- Nothing can hold you back once you begin to understand yourself.

Good luck and let go. Dont send the emails. Just begin to see yourself and where you go from here.  I promise you- you will come out ahead with peace.  x

Thank you guys so much for your replies.  Its just so painful to admit that it really didn't matter how much you loved or gave of yourself, it would never be enough.

I have an appointment with my T on Tuesday. She has been great and warned me this would happen.

I do want to heal and move on with my life.  At one point today I even said aloud that the nightmare is over!... .I really want it to be.

I agree with everything you have written, 2010.  My uBPDxh did exactly what you said - he played both sides of the fence with me and the woman he was cheating with.  He would tell me how much he still cared for me, how difficult our breakup was for him, how he had tears in his eyes after signing the separation agreement, blah-blah-blah.  At the same time, he was telling her how "pumped" he was about starting his new life with her and how great it all was going to be.  (How I know what he was telling her is another story).  He has texted me several times telling me how he really screwed things up, but I only agree with the statement and refuse to be manipulated any longer.  I have also not responded to his suggestion that we "talk sometime".   Cnorton95, I know how difficult this is for you, but it best if you go NC.  You sound like you are still very vulnerable.  It is unlikely any long term good can come out of any further association with this man.  

Please try to keep in mind that this isn't a negative reflection on you, but on them.  Breaking free from such a person will allow you to find someone who will appreciate all that love and other great qualities you possess.

x

Let go; you're too good for this treatment.  x    Think of how much LESS drama you'll have in your life with him gone.

After several days of NC my ex emailed me saying he loved me and missed me and his heart aches that things didn't work out for us.  He doesn't know I know that he's getting remarried to his ex-wife next week. 

I know that we non's trigger the actions and reactions because of our love for them.  I guess where I'm struggling today, I really don't think he loves his ex and my T confirms that, as she saw both of us in counseling at one point, but will his lack of love be the thing that makes this relationship work for them?

Stats show that 60% of remarriages end in divorce, wonder what throwing a BPD in to the mix adds?

@ cnorton95: manOman I'd forward that email to the ex-soon-to-be-wife if it were me  lol

but all kidding aside, an ex is an ex for a reason. Getting back together with your ex doesnt mean you've won some great prize, imo... it means you didnt learn from your mistakes and that's kind of sad. It didnt work out between them for a reason the first time and those reasons are still there. It has been my experience that people dont change their core personality. They are who they are. Those two couldnt get along once, now they both may think things could be different but I HIGHLY doubt it. I think it's more about security blankets for each of them than anything else.

take your comfort by remembering two things: 1) they are both settling for something that wasnt "good enough" the first time round 2) remember how boring a rerun is to watch on tv and then pretend that's your every day life with someone... omgosh how much would that suck! every day for them will be like "oh geez I forgot he had this and that habit that I hated!" what have I done!  lol

Hi cnorton... .  That is a tough... .Two weeks!

What's wrong with his ex that she would agree to this?  Do you really think he will go through with this?

You talked about love... .  Why do you think that he really loves you and doesn't love her?  Do you think that he knows what love is or isn't?

It's never easy or proably even possible to try to decipher what they feel or think.  I do think he is capable of love especially for his kids.  They are 20 and told him they would only love him and have a relationship with him if he was with their mom... .talk about manipulation?  I truly think his love for his children is the only true love he knows and part of me feels that the remarriage is out of love for them.  However, we all know that BPD's have their own reason and benefit for everything.

I just saw them at a stop sign here in the small town that we live in.  I'm just hurt and sick... .

Be glad that you are not w a loser. It does not matter whether he stays married to her or not. He is just a loser.

Wait. Once they get in a fight again and guess what he will call you and acts like you are the only person in the world.

So. Move on.