BPDFamily.com

Hi all

I have posted a few times in the last few days - I have just gone past the 2 months NC mark and seem to be really struggling this past two weeks - last night especially, I was very very close to sms-ing her to say 'I miss you'.

I have been reading all the posts on here, non stop, even if it is scrolling fast and glasing the words over my eyes - just to try to stop myself from contacting her... .  but I did come across one thing that probably stopped me dead in my tracks and realised it will be no good... .

WE have become the trigger to their bad behaviour... .    I forgot who posted it, or where it was posted... .  but wanted to query other people's thoughts / opinions on this...   how do you think it gets to be that way, where we, by our mere prescence etc, starts triggering their bad behaviour?   

I think they need someone to blame for their actions, feelings, thoughts or whatever that they don't like. So we become the target. It gets tiresome and depressing.

I think it is because we are so close to them when they open up to let us inside to see the good they also open up the bad they can not control it you get both sides.  also they can not see us as white forever and at some time they have to paint us black.  it is kind of like a can of mixed nuts ( excuse the pun) but you get a lot of crappy cheap peanut and a few good cashues and almond and good things but you have to take and peanunts with the good stuff. 

well, its kind of a catch 22.

At first, the borderline Idolized us. That was our undoing in the making. What happens here is since we are now higher on the pedestal due to the intense idolization, it invokes a lot of envy, and a borderline cannot tolerate someone being "better" than them.

Because of their own idolization of you (and how dare you be better than them) they begin to try to even the playing field by tearing you down. They do this by exploiting and emphasizing on your flaws. Once they see you are flawed, how dare you be flawed, and how dare you, you manipulator, for trying to hide  your flaws and lie to them about being perfect (which was their own assertion to begin with, not yours).

Now that you are successfully painted black, they must get rid of you, because you no longer serve their purpose in being an object of fascination and idolization.

You see, the relationship was damned to fail from the beginning... .

For me, I think it was because I played the game so long with him.  I knew it wasn't right but afraid that I could never break away.  He knew exactly which buttons to push and the more I tried to ignore the button pushing, the more passive I became to the point that he had to push harder.  I think the longer you try to cover up for them and make excuses for them to people who don't live under your roof, pwBPD have a very good sense of your breaking point and use this to convince you that YOU are the one that is crazy. 

When I first read about BPD a couple of years ago I read something by a woman who was giving workshops on how to survive a divorce from a pwBPD.  The one thing I remember that she said that gave me hope was, "You will recover."  The hope of those few words was like the sky parting to a situation that felt so hopeless.  Has it been harder than I ever thought it would be? Yes, yes, yes, but so worth it to be over with.

It is almost like the better you are to them and the better you are as a human being adn the harder you try in the relationship the more dammed it is.  

i couldn't believe reading about BPD and realising that relationship was not doomed from day one... .but minute one! And yet we all worry there next relationship wont be? i am to guilty of this... .

I can completely relate. I'll be at the 8 week mark tomorrow. I am struggling so much right now and have been on these boards soo much this past week. Is it the full moon? Something else in the stars? Some creepy xBPD partner energy in the air? Is it something about the 2 month mark? I don't know... .

Anyway, I agree that as the relationship evolves, we become a "trigger" for their behavior. I think it's about how they project responsibility for their bad actions onto us. I remember once when my x punched the wall when he was mad at me (and the whole world) at work and knocked the hand sanitizer dispenser off the wall. He then started yelling, "you made me do it! you are ridiculous!" That was one of our very last interactions before I went NC. I was grateful that the sweet housekeeping lady was standing right there. She came up to me after he stomped out and said, "Honey, you didn't make him do that. He seems like a real hotheaded jerk."  That seems to sum it all up, now doesn't it?  

Be strong. Take care of yourself. You may miss her, but sms-ing her to say "I miss you" isn't going to get you what you really want, what you really need, or what you really deserve. She doesn't have the capacity for it. That's what I have to keep reminding myself. I just keep quoting that housekeeper... .

Yes,Im sure I was the trigger for some of her behaviour and for a long time I felt guilty for that and thought I could and should have been more understanding,tolerant,patient,calmer,kinder and loving.

I came to understand though that because I had been all of those things, to the nth degree, that was a big part of why I eventually collapsed and had a kind of breakdown.

I had self sacrificed so much of myself that eventually I had nothing left to fall back on,nothing left of me,I had allowed her to destroy me.

I know that at times she did love me and that was a major trigger for her and  kicked in the abandonement and anihilation fears that drive her.

Of course I had no idea about BPD back then and to this day Im not sure that if I had known it would have made much difference as I know  my own issues were a contributing factor in the whole sad saga.

i agree so much with the idolization thing.  since my ex would always knock down my BEST qualities, it became obvious to me that i was so much better than her in her eyes.  (it's love, dude ... not a competition). 

on top of that, everything went downhill the moment i "knew".  she can't handle that i know how messed up she is ... .and pairing that with me being so "perfect" in her eyes, how could she ever feel good about herself or believe that i could possibly really love her?  (hence, why i was always "full of ___". 

just one big catch-22, and devestating.

Othello (and others)

I feel SO much for you right now and know exactly how you feel.  I was nealry tearing walls down at 2 months I missed him so much.  But, like you, I scoured these boards and it got me through.

I did break nc at the 3.5 month point by responding to one of his myriad of emails.  I saw him 3 times (just to go out - not to go back to him) and it convinced me of one thing.  It will never change. In fact, each time I saw him it got worse.

If anything, my very presence set him off.  It took him precisely 1 hour 30 minutes to trigger the minute we started talking about our relationship. (He started it)

I finally said see ya - you don't even qualify for my friend list - and feel SO good about it. In hindsight seeing him again and being subjected to the rubbish again straight away was the best thing I did (but I'm not advocating it for you).  Made me realise what a futile situation it was.  After 3 mths he couldn't even hold it together for an hour.

I'm now at 4/5 months and happy as a clam.  Keep busy with activities and friends.  Find out what's on in your area.  Get a bunch of single friends together and go out - or find some new groups. 

In relation to your question, my opinion is that Mobocracy is right.  You're idealised in the first phase, then torn down in the second.  The thing that, IMHO, sets them off really badly is that they then continue to treat us badly for being better than them, upping the ante each time and we still try to love them which makes us even better (and them even worse) in their minds and so they hate us even more for being so "good" because it reminds them of how bad they are.

Hope that makes sense!

If I'm right, what a crazy world they live in.  They live in what can only be a downward spiral of hate until such time as we walk, they pull themselves back to the top only to start on the slippery slide again.

My feelings - let someone else have that "joyride".  I've over it!

This is from the pdf of 10 beliefs that get us stuck - article 9 (I think).  I have reread this article quite a bit as each belief is real for me.

From what I have read thus far - BPD is a disease of intimacy.  Like it or not, as the most intimate person in your BPDso's life - you are the trigger for the bad behavior.  Either abandonment or engulfment can only come by an intimate relationship.  Remember, they feel things at such an extreme that their only recourse (right or wrong) is to react and avoid the pain.   Once we have seen "all of them" even if we want to stick around - the reflection in their eyes is just too painful.  The black/white thinking creeps in for them and we are painted black.  We must hate them if we see a flaw. 

Even if they know their behavior is not what they want, they will create a reality that makes their behavior ok in their eyes and this usually means they need to think you did something horrible to them.  you are the bad one, they could not be the bad one.  Thus, once the relationship gets to this point - contact just hurts you both.  It is sad, sucks really, but seems to be true.

Mobo ... .I think your post said it all. Doomed from the start.

<<~Apologies for the length of this- hope you can get something useful out of it~>>

Your entire relationship was a triggering *switch* event. (Unknown to you at the time until it ended and you began to think about specific instances) But all along, a disorder was running concurrently within the psyche of this person you loved.

The triggers that you look back on and try to make sense of are actually none of your fault- and may make more sense if you think of them like light switches to the Borderline personality construct. The switch goes on (reward) and off (withdrawal.) The triggering events are not of your making- they are acting out behaviors from the Borderline personality.

In Masterson’s case studies- he found that The Borderline individual has transference to others in “acting out.” And the acting out behaviors are due to Borderline splitting people (including themselves) into two part time halves-(not whole) with rewarding and withdrawing identities at either pole (that’s the either/or splitting) These either/or identities are at odds within each and every person the Borderline sees as well as in what they see in themselves.

A “whole” person is something foreign in the Borderline psyche.  They do not see themselves as whole- nor do they see other people as whole. Being “whole” requires the independent existence of a well defined SELF.  Being Whole allows for separation and individuation from others, which allows for empathy for others as separate and individual.  The Borderline Self was not allowed to become “whole,” the outcome of a failure to separate and individuate from Mother during that pre-oedipal time- the curious, crawling, walking, discovering infant.  Masterson felt that the genesis of Borderline disorder is the infant getting stuck between two outcomes of separation and individuation.  The result being transfixed on Mothers reward (the on switch) and withdrawal (the off switch.)

The Borderline sees a withdrawing maternal part-image who enjoys the Borderlines helplessness and dependency. (Borderline Women and Men consistently replace this part-self image in marriage with Men and Women who foster dependency and infantilize them.)

The outcome of this withdrawing maternal image part is the idea that this person exploits- and is deliberately cruel. Triggering the fear of engulfment, and activates abandonment depression. (The Borderline says: where will I go? How else will I live?) Often the result is a Borderline who rails against abandonment but who harbors sadistic/masochistic fantasies which lead to acting out in self harm to get back at the Master for spite…

The rewarding maternal part-image is a strong, wonderful, idealized (all good) Mother who would save the Borderline from certain death. The outcome of the rewarding part is the *feeling good that never stays* that is, the Borderline never forms the ability to self soothe without Mother- and a subsequent depression arises because that part of the self image that allows the self to feel protected is also being a helpless, clinging, needy child.

This is the failure to separate/individuate.

Dueling between these underground part time objectifications is the stay on the surface EGO.

This ego is the personality construct that struggles to make sense of the back and forth switch between maternal reward and maternal withdrawing in life’s circumstances.  This ego can only come up with behaviors to rule against the anxiety it fights against.

Anxiety 1) Individuation.

Ego defense: Avoidance of individuation by finding someone else to cling to.

Anxiety 2) Separation.

Ego Defense: Denial of separation by subsuming someone else as an objectification.

Anxiety 3) Clinging and helpless behavior and the rewarding object relations part-unit.

Ego defense: sex or other rewarding behaviors to ensure they are valued and not abandoned.

The poor reality perception of this ego pathology results in extensive fantasy.  Fantasy that if the rewarding part is done right- all will be well and life will be good. Replacements (objectified stand-ins for the original object- Mother) are “not utilized as real, whole objects, but displaced objects upon which unresolved infantile fantasies are projected.”

The transference relationship is not a conscious one to a Borderline.

For the most part, the early phases of the romantic relationship with a Borderline activate the “rewarding part-time unit”- that goes for both of you actually, as you each mirror the other.  Since Borderline transference is “acting out” behavior- it is already very active at the beginning of the relationship.   (Unknown to you of course.)  

What you, your SELF, has accomplished as a successful “separation and individuation” in your own life experience is now perceived as working behaviors of rewarding and withdrawing by the Borderline.  The Borderline is highly attuned to the separation and individuation success of others and the failure of their own.  What Masterson calls an “idiosyncratic sensitivity.”  

Combined with poor reality perceptions, Masterson felt that this hyper-sensitivity led to some surprising and seemingly bizarre responses to initial questions about their Borderline belief system. In other words, did Borderlines know that they were not really seeing whole persons- but rather parts to be used in the *formation of the switch* between parts? - And was there empathy involved in the understanding that this compulsion to switch between the two might be utterly confusing to their partner?

Masterson found that the Borderline response was to *not* take full responsibility (how can a person without a SELF be responsible for the Self?) thereby avoiding the depression that this self discovery entails.  The Borderline instead tried to induce in the therapist (as well as others) a response with either the rewarding part or the withdrawing part of the self object. The rewarding part would exist as a fantasy partner (either promiscuous or child-like) while the withdrawing part would provide a convenient target for rage. The ability of the therapist to not be drawn into resonating with either part self was the only course of treatment. Masterson felt that the awakening of memories set the stage for the working through of them- and on to the true self. But this was an arduous task because the Borderline acted out against self awareness.

The developing ego becomes mistrusting of others. “The capacity to tolerate anxiety, depression and frustration is minimal.”  (Masterson 1981) The ability to differentiate between past, and present, reality and fantasy, and mature and infantile aspects are all blurred.

The disorder splits the transference into “acting out” behaviors of withdrawing and rewarding either or’s but never whole and together in the same person. And that includes their perception of you too. They are unaware of their distorted perceptions and denial of reality- which concludes that they are unaware of their self- destructive cycles.

So to answer your question, (which really is a dilemma about the acting out behavior- and which part self you’ll encounter if you do pick up that phone and call her)

You may be greeted by the rewarding part self- that sexually flirtatious rewarding self with its reunion fantasy and its longing for true love… this is probably what you liked the best about her and what she liked too. It may have felt good, but under the sway of a pathology which is acting out in a regressive, self destructive manner. (That is, she’s still not being responsible for separation/individuation and you’ll be turned into the sadistic withdrawing unit in no time.) This was probably what you need to come to terms with about the relationship the most- and she’s not going to have any insight about this that helps... .

The Borderline perceives love as punitive and harsh and leading to abandonment. It’s the denial of the benefit of love.  They will continue to act out the withdrawing part of the self in engulfment response***OR*** activate the “rewarding unit” as a defense against the abandonment. Hence the puzzling back and forth, push and pull which makes no sense to anyone other than the disorder itself.

Most people have childhood memories. When we bring them into therapy, we project our feelings on to the therapist and “transfer” to him our triggering events. The therapist then curbs his own counter-transference and helps us to resolve our issues.  We re-live the trauma by bringing it to the surface to process. This “transference” relationship requires that each person is their own self “object.” There isn’t any part self in split collusion or toxic enmeshment to get in the way. That requires two independent people with independent thoughts. Something the Borderline has no experience with unless she's confronted with her reward and withdrawing behaviors, becomes separate (you let her go,) and she gets to feel the subsequent abandonment depression (just like you're feeling.) Eventually, as we all have to, we come to the realization that life means responsibility to one’s Self and that we are our own person- alone. And it's O.K. |iiii