BPDFamily.com

I am having a moment of weakness this morning.  Here is my story, I left my exBPDgf 5 weeks ago because I absoutly could not deal with her lack of empathy or her inability to make plans for the future.  There were several other terrible things that happened but this is what really pushed me over the edge and made me wake up to the fact that their was no future with her. 

Since I left.  She was initially cold telling me that I was a baby because I was not getting my way (not sure what that meant other than I was not getting the emotional support from her I needed at the time).  Then later that week it turned into begging me to come back.  She even offered to pay off some of my bills if I came over one night so we could talk like adults. (I did not take the bait and I would have rather talked to her like an adult than take her money, however I knew that was not going to happen). 

Then when none of that worked she resorted to suicide threats.  She even cut her wrist one night and showed up at my house after she did it.  I did cave and helped her out a little when this happened, however I did not stay long and I told her sister what she was doing.  Then about a week later she was threatening suicide again.  This time her Mother (who is never in the picture and could possible have BPD herself) showed up to take my ex to her own son’s football game. I have actually seen her Mom twice since we have been together because she lives half of the year in a different state and never comes around even when she is home. Her Mom got there and IMMEDIATLY started blamming me for her daughter’s distress (she was sitting outside drunk with a knife and a suicide note written on her hand).  I know this is because I have been painted black to the fullest and no one in my exes family wants to admit they know she has a problem.  I stood my ground and told her that her 45 year old daughter has many problems and needs help).  Apparently my exBPDgf was sending suicide threats to everyone she knew and someone called the police.  The police showed up... .one of the officers that arrived was the one who had arrested me for domestic violence when my exBPDgf got drunk one day (because of a situation with her Mom) picked a fight with me.  (She called me a loser after I spent the day painting her kitchen and I grabbed the second to last beer at 4 pm.  She tackled me, told me it was her beer, called me a loser again, then I went upstairs to the bedroom, closed the door.  She came up, picked the lock to the door, called me a loser again and told me to give her the beer.  I poured it on her head... .bad I know.  Then I pushed her out of the room and closed the door and she fell into a steam cleaner.  Long story short, she left told the cops I hurt her and I was arrested.)  Anyway,the officer that had arrested me apologized to me and told me his hands were tied and that he had to arrest me because she had a mark.  He asked me if it all got dropped and was glad to hear it had.  He then told my exes mother that he had been to the house on several calls and knows that I had done the best I could with my ex.  I also talked to her Mom a bit and by the end of the conversation she gave me a hug and said they had been blaming the wrong person.  The police ended up taking my ex to the hospital and her Mom decided that heading on to the football game was more important that going to the hospital with her suicidal daughter.  Her Mom did ask me if I would watch my exes dogs because she did not know how long ex would be in the hospital.

I took the dogs with me because there was no way in hell I was staying at exes house.

The next morning, I get a knock on the door and it is my ex.  She just said, I need my dogs and I need you out of my life.  Bad things happen to me when your in my life.  I brought the dogs to her and then went to talk with her Mom.  Her Mom said she liked me and that she needed me to stay away from ex for the time being so “we don’t have a dead girl’ on our hands.  She said she hoped it all eventually worked out between us.

So fast forward a few days and I am getting increasingly more angry that her Mom had said that I need to stay away or ex may kill herself... .like it was all my fault.  I sent my ex a few angry text and she responded with her family (non of whom even live around here or ever witness her crazy behavior) had an intervention with her the day she came home from the hospital and convinced her she needed help and that she needed to get me out of her life.  She said she loved me, blah blah, blah... .yadda, yadda, yadda... .but she needed to concentrate on herself for awhile (like she has never not only concentrated on herself). She said she wants to get better so we can be together.  Whatever, we went back and forth for awhile and then I went NC.  So this past Wed I get a text from her that says “Please listen to Love this Pain by Lady Antebellum.  I am dying without you”.  The next day I sent her a text that said “My endurance with you has run out, please leave me alone”.  I then found out SHE HAD BLOCKED MY PHONE!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I let the text upset me... .it did not initially bother me that much but... .this morning I am upset.  I really believe she is painting me black to everyone still... .if her goal was for us to be together wouldn’t I be a part of the thearapy?  Why was I not invited to the intervention... .I mean, I have been the one closest to her for the past year.  It is driving me crazy that I feel like I am the scapegoat for this family and my exes 45 years of problems.  I was only with her a year. I did cause this problem. I know if they continue to enable her, she will never get better.  I don’t know what I need to hear... .I am just hurting this morning

Disgruntled, if she is only your GF (rather than spouse), then maybe your decisions are easier. But that doesn't help the emotional pain of being in love with a willful, confusing, indecisive, (probably) charming, apparently helpless and innocent little "thing".

Read all you can about BPD (since you are already "here", and maybe you'll find something about yourself, and your situation, that will help you cope with extraordinarily predictable BP behavior. It simply isn't going to change! But your understanding of BPD can/will change, along with whatever has given you the compassion and empathy that your BP is using.

I just think I am uspet because I have no idea what is going on.  Last I heard, she was getting help.  She was seeing a Doctor, a Therapist and a going to DBT.  They changed her depression meds. She said her Doctor told her she should move in with her Mom until she 'stablizes'.  I did tell her once that it sounded like she was blaming me for everything to her thearpist and she said... ."No that isn't how it went.  They simply want me to concentrate on myself and work on my problems without distractions that have a tendencey to upset me".  So now I am a 'distraction' that has a tendancey to UPSET HER. 

Then she said "they realize I am not capable of having a relationship... .period.  It isnt easy for me.  I am scared to death.  I love you and miss you very much.  I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life". She also said that they were making her take responsiblity for her actions and that her Doctor's were not stupid and know that she is the problem. I really, really, really, really, X's 10 hope this is true.

I know that I can't be the stable person she needs right now.  I am way to upset and I really don't believe anything she says at all. I am bitter and jaded. I question EVERYTHING she says and has ever said to me. She has lied to me so much I don't even believe anything she said above.  I know it makes sense... .but this woman is a master manipulator and I just don't believe she is not trying to blame me or even going to the doctor for that matter. 

I guess I am just looking for closure that my head knows will never happen.  I know this... .my heart is just really, really stupid sometimes. 

Whoa. All too familiar. It took BPXW 3 1/2 years to admit she was lying (daily) about therapy, DBT, and meds. She finally admitted that it was "too hard" and that she was "too weak" to do it.  In my experience, there isn't ever any "closure" and you'll always be left wondering about the lies and "what the heck happened". You and I are both on this forum because of this unresolved confusion. Alan

Just reading what you're going through has traumatised me DG! I'm going through some pretty crazy stuff right now but at least there aren't a whole bunch of henchmen via proxy going after my ass.

Surely nobody who truly intends to end their own life, would build such public platform around the fact? To me, what she's doing goes beyond a "cry for help" and stinks of attention seeking tactics, manipulation of the worst kind. Yes, she has managed to acquire herself some "enablers", please don't allow yourself to become yet another.

You know you're a good person with a good heart and pure intentions, don't let anyone take that away from you.

Stay strong, don't let yourself get sucked back in by the drama. If I was you, I'd cut all ties with her family also.

I know it's been used a lot around here but it still stands true... .if you lose friends or contacts because of your withdrawal from this nightmare, were those people really worth knowing in the first place anyway? Absolutely not.

Mid-life is a crucial time for a person with a persecution complex. All of the earlier attempts (45 years!)  to separate and individuate and stand alone and be self- sufficient have failed.  All the relationship rescuers along the way have failed. The ability for her to self-soothe has failed. That’s for a reason- and the reason wasn’t and is *not* you.

She is not fighting over a Beer- she is acting out. She uses pity and blame in a “come here- now go away” dynamic that’s been in play for 45 years and it involves her family everytime- unless she gets an overlap on the relationship rescuer.

When you take a step back from this family, you’ll begin to see that they’ve been dealing with this for years. You didn’t cause this- but you may have bought into it if you heard any stories about the ex or other persecutors. It really is all about the Borderline being victimized- and the Karpmann drama triangle rings truer than any liberty bell for your sense of reasoning with it.

What *has* happened though, is you’ve been pulled into a web of dysfunction and you haven’t been able to get out for risk of feeling like a failure as a rescuer. Now there are other rescuers that have taken your place – you are a persecutor and the shame must be unbearable.

Borderlines are immature, emotional bullies who use projection and passive aggression to turn the focus (and blame) around on others. Victimization is where they have their locus of control. If you think that she’s not in control of her victimization (acting out)- you’re wrong.  It is in her operating system. “Acting out” is the part of Personality disorder that is unhidden.  Most of what is hidden is the trigger for the acting out.

Recently in the news there was a young woman who claimed to have acid thrown on her by a stranger. Later, she admitted to doing it to herself. Reporters said she must be mentally ill to do that- my first thought: Borderline Acting Out. The failure to separate/individuate for an Adult female Borderline was so frightening, so fearful that her parent’s abandonment meant her annihilation- and she had to do something drastic to get her parents to care for her again.

This is exactly the same dynamic for your girlfriend. You give her an ultimatum- she calls your bluff. Then she frantically back pedals and ups the ante with more and more drastic acting out behaviors- cutting herself and threatening suicide. This brings in old rescuers to replace the rescuer *you used to be* in her mind (now you’re a stand-in for the persecutorial parent) and she’s back to her original rescuing family fold again- shutting you off and accomplishing exactly what she wanted: to have Mommy and Daddy take care of her and tell her that they love her and accept her completely and she doesn’t have to be afraid and she’ll never be abandoned again.  

Not only is she not wanting to take responsibility for her own actions but her parents and her will eventually and frustratingly realize that the love and acceptance she wants from her folks doesn’t come without infantilization- so she’s got to separate and become a fully fledged, self- soothing adult if she wants to grow-up. This is the Borderline’s catch-22 and the underlying motive for the push/pull.

If, and that’s a big IF she gets help with a qualified therapist- she’ll need to detach from the parents and then attach to the therapist. Borderline is an attachment disorder. The transference during therapy usually gets skewed when the therapist becomes a stand-in for the Parent. A Borderline can respond with punishing and childish acting out behaviors in therapy- such as not showing up or even making stories up about attempted rape or sexual abuse just to get more attention. That’s when it takes a very astute therapist (one who knows BPD) to realize that the stories are acting out behaviors and who can confront the bad behaviors and unpredictable thread of lies without having “counter” transference from the therapists own childhood being triggered.  (Not an easy task.)

In the meantime, don’t take this personally that they are shutting you out. I know that you are frustrated, but what’s more important is that you actually tried to help. You *are* allowed to quit an unsuccessful partnership without blame and without shame.  The problem with being involved with someone who has a persecution complex is that someone has to be the persecutor in order for there to be a victim. Without a victim, there is no need for a rescuer.  Game over? Not for a Borderline. They are always the victim.

The family probably doesn’t know about Borderline Personality- and you’re right- her Mother may have also have some issues. Family secrets keep things hidden, and she may be trying to avoid ugly scenes. But you have knowledge of Borderline.  You will come away from this with a better understanding of how personality disorders fit together in families.  Borderline families are so difficult to manage without EVERYONE admitting their roles. There’s usually always a prime caretaker that comes to the rescue and they rescue because of vulnerable narcissism that keeps them looking outward at other’s problems and never inward at their own. Alas, this is not your job to oversee the prime caretaker’s capabilities.  You could have a second career following these people around and trying to fix the unfixable.  *They’ve been doing this for 45 years.* ~They have more experience at blame and anger and generally screwing things up with your ex…  lol

This personality disorder was not your fault, it was in play waaaaaay before you came into the picture- and if someone else is making you feel that you’re to blame- then you’ll need to excuse them for their own ignorance. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. And reasoning with denial is folly.   Some of the rescuers on the drama triangle are just as deluded as the victim is. Don’t be one of them- and realize when you see one- that -you- might have ended up just as deluded as them and still rushing to the victim’s aid- if you hadn’t already reasoned with your own behavior.  I know it sucks, but trust me; the only way is not to keep moving around the triangle.

The best place to get off the game is at the Borderline’s perception of you as a persecutor. Let that stick. Even though you are a victimized rescuer that’s unlawfully been persecuted-  this perception of you is not much different for the Borderline’s version of themselves.

Getting off the triangle game as a victim is too easy for the Borderline to come back to you as a rescuer. Don’t let that happen.

This “come here, now go away” stuff doesn’t ever end. It’s a disorder.

If you remain as a persecutor on the triangle- and let her be victimized- she will find her new rescuer, whom she’ll victimize in turn and turn into a persecutor - you’ll see that this is no way to live reasonably- and unless you bow out- it’s never going to get better. It’s been 45 years- and she’s shown you that the game pieces are easily replaced.

The only way she’s going to stop the revolving drama (and the victimization of herself and others) is to get confronted in therapy. Not drugs, Not drink, but behavioral therapy.  Until then, you’ll need to *look away* from the drama so you don’t get sucked back in and in order to do that you have to let go of the outcome.

Take one day at a time.  :)o something different. Sit on your hands if you want to call and vent. Rage- write it down, but don’t send it. Do not drive by- (she’ll accuse you of stalking.)  Go someplace different to get your brain thinking about something other than the issues between you.  If you don’t feel comfortable in public because you feel your head is obviously sizzling and smoke is coming out of your ears- go to a dark movie- (watch a double feature if you have to.) Take a walk around the block with sunglasses on. You’ll see things out of the corner of your eye that will take your mind off of this. Begin to re-train your brain from automatically reverting to thoughts about her by giving it other things to look at. Do not begin another relationship until you are through this successfully.

Shame is for who you are. Guilt is for what you did. Do not confuse the two.

Eventually it will get easier, I promise.  |iiii

Thank you guys so much for your responses.  2010 I read yours like 3 times and Learning
... .LMAO!  |iiii


The good thing is I have ZERO desire to drive by her house because if I saw someone elses car there... .I don't think I could handle it without causing a huge scene... .for me... .it is like... .ignorance is bliss!  

I should have said that my exes father passed away over a year ago, just before I met her.  Like I said earlier, I do believe that her mother has symptoms of BPD.  I know she had an eating disorder for most of her adult life and she has little empathy.  I remember my exes sister saying at Thanksgiving that they never tell 'mom' anything because she can not handle other peoples problems well (sound familar) ?  I also think exes daughter has BPD also (she definitly has major anger and separation issues)... .her son has lived with his father most of his life so hopefully he was spared.  Actually on an interesting note, her exhusband took custody of son away from ex... .I never really got the full story on why... .but I can sure make a good guess.  Her son is younger than her daughter, maybe they realized how much she has screwed the daughter up.  

I really am not just trying to say the whole family is crazy, but I really think Mother, Daughter and Grandaughter all have BPD.  Which would make sense.  If one mother is not emotionally capable to meet the emotional needs of her child, than that can be viewed as neglect.  Then it just gets passed down until you have a bunch of emtionless women in the family raising babies who already have a predisposition to BPD.  It is just a nightmare... .I have three women that could all possibly have BPD blaming me for all of their problems.  My exes Mother blamed me so she would not have to take responsiblity for her daughters problems.  Ex blamed me because she has BPD and that is what they do.  Exes Daughter blamed me because I was taking her Mom away from her (she is a Jr in college) and oh yeah thats right I emotionally and physically abused her Mom... .NOT! (because that is what her Mom told her, not because she ever saw or heard any of it) Anyway... .it has been a nightmare and I really, really appreciate all of your responses.

Disgruntled and 2010, this thread is spooky. I could have written the whole thing (and kudos to you, 2010, for stating the BPD malady so explicitly). While reading your posts I was scared that I'd awoken in the middle of the night and posted. HaHa. The professional researchers make the observation that it's almost like each of these BP sufferers got an identical computer chip brain implant at the point of whatever trauma caused the "miswiring". Thier behaviors are eerily annd remarkably similar. But so is ours  (the rescuing Non's)... .Alan

2010... hats off, what an outstanding post you wrote...

Wouldn't it be great if the BP sufferer could read and understand? Change thier behavior and get some real help? Dream on... .

Disgruntled... .She's attempting to manipulate you at every turn.  BPD threats of suicide are manipulative, even when they do, on rare occasions, carry them out, intentionally or not.

Look to yourself, your own experience of this woman. You know who she is:  "I absolutely could not deal with her lack of empathy... ." Knowing what you know about this woman, why would you think she has the slightest regard for your feelings in anything she says or does?





She is the offspring of a highly dysfunctional family. Your healing, your self-esteem, your emotional wellbeing, is not dependent on her or her family's assessment of you. Quite the contrary, actually.

Your need for vindication is based in a need for healing and renewed confidence in the moral character of the world. A need for vindication is something we all feel when we are mistreated in matters of love. In fact, it's a need for self-vindication. How could we ever have gotten ourselves into a situation like this? The answers reside within us, no one else, only us.

Healing cannot fully take place until we find a basis for hope in the restoration of emphatic, moral relations with others. Continuing to engage an emotionally abusive person precludes that restoration.

Close the book on this relationship once and for all. There is nothing to be gotten from her or her family except grief.

My sincere best wishes for healing and happiness.

Per Chaz "Your need for vindication is based in a need for healing and renewed confidence in the moral character of the world".

Too true, and why I'm single and not seeking... .long after the divorce. Whatever belief I had in "the vows", whatever thoughts I used to have about the basic "goodness" of humankind... .I'm still trying to restore that. And pretty doubtful, too. Sad. But at least I'm no longer getting physically abused, nor am I daily subject to the lies, accusations, etc. I stayed around that for too long, and now it's up to me to find a new reality.