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Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change Author: Valerie Porr, MA Publisher: Oxford University Press, USA; 1 edition (August 12, 2010) Paperback: 424 pages ISBN-10: 0195379586 ISBN-13: 978-0195379587 (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/mod-review.png) (https://bit.ly/2OysJe1) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/locate.png) (http://www.bookfinder.com/search/?keywords=0195379586&st=sh&ac=qr&submit=)

Book Description
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by unstable moods, negative self-image, dangerous impulsivity, and tumultuous relationships. Many people with BPD excel in academics and careers while revealing erratic, self-destructive, and sometimes violent behavior only to those with whom they are intimate. Others have trouble simply holding down a job or staying in school. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is a compassionate and informative guide to understanding this profoundly unsettling--and widely misunderstood--mental illness, believed to affect approximately 6% of the general population.

Rather than viewing people with BPD as manipulative opponents in a bitter struggle, or pitying them as emotional invalids, Valerie Porr cites cutting-edge science to show that BPD is a true neurobiological disorder and not, as many come to believe, a character flaw or the result of bad parenting. Porr then clearly and accessibly explains what BPD is, which therapies have proven effective, and how to rise above the weighty stigma associated with the disorder. Offering families and loved ones supportive guidance that both acknowledges the difficulties they face and shows how they can be overcome, Porr teaches empirically-supported and effective coping behaviors and interpersonal skills, such as new ways of talking about emotions, how to be aware of nonverbal communication, and validating difficult experiences. These skills are derived from Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Mentalization-based Therapy, two evidence-based treatments that have proven highly successful in reducing family conflict while increasing trust. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is an empowering and hopeful resource for those who wish to gain better understanding of the BPD experience--and to make use of these insights in day-to-day family interactions.

Winner of the ABCT Self Help Book Seal of Merit Award 2011

About the Author
Ms. Porr is President/Founder of the Treatment and Research Advancements National Association for Personality Disorder (TARA NAPD), a not for profit education and advocacy organization representing consumers, families, and providers affected by BPD. She is the author of Overcoming BPD, a Family Guide for Healing and Change, (Oxford University Press, August 2010,) co-author of New Hope for People with BPD, (Bockian, N, Porr, V 2002) co-editor of the BPD Journal of the California Alliance of the Mentally Ill and has published numerous articles on family experiences and BPD advocacy issues. She is intensively trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) and has developed a curriculum combining DBT and Mentalization teaching family members how to help their loved ones with BPD while helping themselves.

Ms. Porr conducts educational seminars and Family DBT Coping Skills Workshops, trains family leaders, speaks at family and professional conferences, and has coordinated BPD research conferences with the support of the National Institute of Mental Health. She operates the only BPD Helpline and Resource and Referral service in the US, affording her the opportunity to speak with and collect data from thousands of people with BPD and their family members. Ms. Porr has a family consultation practice. She is also an artist who was a successful clothing designer and businesswoman and has taught fashion business at Parson's School of Design and biology and the sciences at high school level.

Authors Comments

I recommend that anyone who cares about a person with BPD buy a new book called "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr.

Here's what John Oldham, Chief of Staff of the Menninger Clinic says about this book: "Overcoming Borderline Personality  :)isorder by Valerie Porr is like water for a parched land. Few psychiatric disorders are as misunderstood as BPD, a condition that can be  profoundly disabling to patients and devastating to families. Opinions about what families should do are plentiful- but evidence based guidance, derived from solid research, is rare. This is what this book delivers. It is an invaluable roadmap for families of patients with BPD."

This book is the antidote for all of the misinformation, bad advice and tough love literature you'll find in books, the web and in the offices of mental health professionals. Valerie Porr writes in a clear, concise manner and never talks down to the reader. By describing what is happening in the brains of people with BPD, Porr helps the reader to understand that the illness has a biological basis. Ms. Porr then shows how this neurological disorder causes the person with BPD to suffer and explains why they act in ways that SEEM to be manipulative and despicable, but are actually reactions to their own personal suffering.

Finally, and most importantly, I offer the reader a plan to help the person they love to change. This is a book about being compassionate and effective. If you follow its prescriptions, it will not only help you change the life of someone you know who is suffering from a terrible illness, it will change your life too.

I am just wondering if anyone here has listened to or read information from the TARA websites.  

I am currently working my way through this book, "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change" by Valerie Porr. I am currently on page 144, in the section "Understanding and Applying Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)". 

I am having... .issues... .with this book. I was wondering if anyone else had any issues with it as well (and if I should perhaps be posting over in book reviews instead of, or in addition to, here?)

First off, let me preface by saying I am not saying this book is necessarily worthless. For one thing, I'm not done with it yet. For a second thing, I think there is a lot of value in here for parents dealing with a BP child, and possibly also for someone who had had children with a BP partner and is attempting to improve relationships with the BP in order to spare the children as much distress as possible (which I wholeheartedly support.)

However, I think this book might be actively damaging to non-BP children of BP parents.  I won't get into specific criticisms right here because it would take too long (and I don't know if anyone else has this book, or has read this book, so saying, "On page blah she says this, and my objection is such-and-such... ." would be pointless) but I will try to state the general gist of my dissatisfaction.

Here's the analogy that I'm considering. Say you are swimming at the ocean beach and you hear a scream for help from out in the ocean.  You look out across the water and see someone struggling, possibly drowning. They look utterly panicked. Maybe they are stuck in a riptide; maybe they just got in over their head and swallowed water; you can't tell from where you are. But they seem to be in significant trouble, possibly in danger of their life.

Do you dive in after them to rescue them?

Generally, no. Unless you are a trained lifeguard in good physical shape with equipment handy (such as a flotation device.)

Why not?

Because you probably aren't trained in rescue procedures. You may not be a strong swimmer yourself. And a person who is drowning, or thinks they are, and who is panicking stands a very good chance of dragging you down with them. This is a critical point. By going in after them without training, without the needed physical strength and swimming skill, without the appropriate equipment, you most likely will not only fail to save them but you will drown yourself. You will be caught in the riptide and pulled under. Or the person himself will seize you around the neck, trying to save themselves, and you will be unable to swim. You will swallow water. You will go down. And you will both die.

Trained lifeguards know that sometimes if a drowning person is panicking, it is necessary to SLUG them, stun them or knock them out, to get them to go limp and stop impeding the lifeguard's attempts to get them to safety. Then, and only then, can the lifeguard get a jacket on them or a ring around them and tow them into shore. Only then will both the drowning victim and the lifeguard as well be safe.

In this book, the person with BP is repeatedly referred to in terms that make them analogous to the drowning person. They are in waters over their head. They cannot swim. They did not get there intentionally, but they have no idea how to get out. They may not have the strength to swim against the riptide; they may not even know a basic Dead Man's float to keep their head above water even if there is no riptide. And they are so panicky that they will impede any well-meaning attempt to get them out of the water. They cannot help their would-be rescuers be effective; all they can do is succeed in endangering the would-be rescuer.

This book appears to go out of its way to encourage all people who love their BP person to jump right into that ocean after the BP, heedless of their own safety, without doing any kind of self-check to make sure they have the training, and strength, and skill, and equipment to make a real rescue attempt with a possibility of success and a reduced chance of killing the lifeguard. People who have BPs in their lives are encouraged to offer them whatever they need to try and get out of the drowning ocean -- endless compassion, endless validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation), endless energy, endless attention. The BPs NEED these things, the book argues, or they will invariably drown.

But what if you need that compassion for yourself? You need validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) for yourself? You need energy for yourself, for your spouse, for your own children (in the case of we non children of BP parents)? You need the energy for your job, your livelihood?  You need to pay some attention to things in your life other than the BP?

What then?

This book pays a certain amount of lip service to the "difficulties" (vast understatement) of having a BP in your life. But it reserves the huge bulk of its caring and concern for the BP who said to be carrying the "stone of pain" or "wearing the TARA tiara" (of neurobiological dysfuntion). There is a unspoken but unmistakable sense that the authors believe that nons who disengage from their BPs, who say "I can't do this anymore, I am drowning, she is taking me down with her and I WANT TO LIVE", are lacking in compassion, or insufficiently motivated to "help" their BPs.  The BPs are not responsible, says the book. They are confused, angry, living in an emotional world they can't make sense of, that always seems to be attacking them, with people who never seem to be able to give enough to them to fill the void in their souls, who can never make them feel truly safe and loved. And this book seems to think that we nons are responsible for dealing with this because the BP is incapable. We should put up with being demonized because the BP can't help it. We should always be compassionate, practice radical acceptance, always validate the BP's feeling no matter how completely out of touch with genuine reality those feelings are. The BP can't help feeling that way. Their mind is attacking them, forcing them into feeling this way. Never leave the BP, because the BP is sick, needs our help, and might die without it.

While I can accept that many BPs are in fact truly NOT "morally responsible" for their behavior, I find this book's attitude toward complete acceptance of that behavior to be quite frustrating and invalidating toward nons.  This book explicitly states that one should not "set limits or boundaries" with BPs because... .well, because it makes them feel bad. It makes them feel more pain. And that makes them act out more and behave more badly toward themselves and others. (A minor but important digression here: The thing that really puzzles me about this book is, although it repeatedly denigrates the notion of setting limits and boundaries with BPs, many of the examples it has given so far of effective therapeutic techniques show people doing exactly that! For example, it gives the example of a self-harming teenager who self-harms then calls her mother for a ride to the ER. The book suggests that the mother tell the daughter to find her own way to the ER, and find her own way home again. This sounds to me like definite limit and boundary setting, yet the book repeatedly says that is not a good thing to do with BPs. The inconsistency is puzzling, to put it mildly.)

So that is the heart of my dilemma with this book. It assumes we nons are all equipped to be lifeguards. And we are not.

Is it really the responsibility for nons to become lifeguards for the BPs in their lives? Certainly there is no harm in learning some lifeguarding skills, in gaining better strength and skill in swimming -- IF you have the capability to swim yourself (I might argue that asking non children of BPs to become supports for their BP parents is like asking a quadruple amputee to become a lifeguard at a beach -- it ignores the damage done to the BP's child by the BP's disorder that very probably has rendered them unfit to ever be a lifeguard, through no fault of their own -- their limbs have been cut off!) and IF you have the time and energy and money available to take classes on lifeguarding skills and do the physical workouts necessary to develop strength and skill. But even if you undertake the training and devote the time and energy to becoming a lifeguard, you still have to keep in mind that a panicky drowning person is a danger to you as well as to himself -- and you have to know how and when to punch out the drowning person to make it possible to save them. And you also have to learn the skill to disentangle yourself from the drowning person's panicked clutch around your neck, and, if necessary... .to leave them to drown if you determine that your skill and strength are not sufficient to enable a successful rescue.

That is the gist of my dissatisfaction with this book so far. I will toss out a few more analogies that occurred to me as I read, as further food for thought:

This book says that BPs engage in behavior that damages others in order to obtain short-term relief for their pain. They lack the capacity to see and understand that in the long term the behavior will cause them MORE pain as people withdraw from them and shut them out to avoid the damage. Their immediate pain is simply too great to let them see and act in their long-term best interest. So let's draw an analogy with, for example, a pyromaniac. This is a person who sets fires to express anger, or, in some cases, just because they are so attracted to the dancing flames they will start a fire anywhere just for the pleasure of watching it burn. They need that excitement so much they will start a fire regardless of whether there are children in the building they have just set on fire.

Do we hold them responsible if children die in the burning building?

Damned straight we do.

Do we say, "To keep them from lighting more fires, we must understand their need to set fires, radically accept them as they are, and love them and support them until they no longer need to set fires to feel fulfilled"?  ... .Not if we have any good sense we don't. The fire bug has to have enough self-awareness to say "I know it is wrong to set fires. I know WHY it is wrong. I do NOT want to burn any more children to death to satisfy my urge to see a fire. Please lock me up or put me under house arrest until I can be sure, and you can be sure, that my compulsion will not harm anyone else. Only then should I be free."   This book seems (to me) to be encouraging nons to let the firebug BPs in their lives run rampant and set emotional fires that cause real, lasting damage, out of compassion for them and the "realization" that they "can't help it, they are sick and in great emotional pain." While I would not say we should have NO compassion for an emotional firebug who can't help himself, I think we need to have MORE compassion for the dead or horribly burned children. I think we MUST protect ourselves, our children, our spouses, and other people the BP may be hurting, from the fires the BP can't help setting. First, we put out the fires and help the survivors recover as best they can. Second, we stop the sick person from starting any more fires. THEN AND ONLY THEN do we turn our compassionate gaze on the firebug and say, We will try to help you to learn to not set fires, to not set any more fires, to be happy without fires in your life.

This books seems to want us to jump to step three, insisting that putting out the fires started by the firebug is not the priority, that taking the fires away from the firebug will just make the firebug that much more desperate to start another fire for fulfillment, that the firebug needs compassion, understanding, time, energy, and love more than the people who have lost lives and homes and been horribly and permanently burn-scarred by the fires set by the firebug.

As a second analogy I will use the example of a child who is neglected and abused at home and joins a gang for support, safety, and a place to belong. This child then becomes involved in gang activity -- and one such an activity is a drive-by shooting where three innocent people, one of them a two year old child, are shot.

Do we feel compassionate toward the gang member? Yes. Do we have an intellectual understanding of the needs that drove him to join the gang, of what benefits he gains from gang membership, of how he is trying to survive in a hostile environment using the only effective tools he sees around him for doing so? Yes.

But do we let him off the hook for the deaths or injuries of three people, one of them a child, just because of our compassion for what he has suffered and our understanding of his reasons for joining a gang?

No.  He is still responsible. People are still dead or hurt, people who, if they still live, or if they have surviving family members who are grieving, have needs that must come first, before the needs of the gang member.

A harmful BP belongs to a mental gang of which only he or she is a member, committing drive-by emotional shootings on all the people who get close. An exceptionally brave or compassionate person might seek to approach the gang member and ask him to stop shooting randomly out of the car at passers-by, but what are the chances the gang member will do so just for the asking?  And if you want to protect yourself, and the others who may be depending on you such as your children and spouse, wouldn't the smarter and better move be for you to get out of the range of the gang member's guns, if you can? Certainly you have a responsibility to protect your children and spouse from flying bullets.  It is not useful to say "The gang member has had a much more difficult life than you, he is in emotional pain, he does not know how else to express his feelings" -- when you are being SHOT AT.

So this is what I want to ask Valerie Porr, the author of this book.

1) If we feel a BP is going to drown us, are we required to risk our lives trying to save them even if we are certain we do not possess the skills,  strength, or equipment to succeed in a rescue? (And the question is even thornier for we non children of BPs -- because it is THEIR responsibility to rescue US and not the other way around.)

2) If a BP is setting emotional fires and committing emotional drive-by shootings, must we stand there and be burnt and shot until we have loved and accepted the BP enough that they stop, if they ever do? How much damage are we required to absorb in the name of love and acceptance of the BP? Is there a limit?


I would love to hear from anyone else has read or is in the process of reading this book.

-- May

In "Understanding the Borderline mother" the author uses the drowning analogy as well. She say's something along the lines of how children need to understand that the pwBPD is in a sinking ship and that in order to survive they need to swim to shore.

I think it just comes down to your philosophy in life. My sister and I are a perfect example of that. Her fundamental philosophy is that if the pwBPD is your mother and gave you life, you owe it to her to take care of her. My belief is that I'm my own person and if she's incredibly abusive that nullifies my responsibility. Whoever wrote that book probably wrote it for people like my sister who feels the need to hold my mom above water. I'm sure that for people who choose to take responsibility for their pwBPD its a helpful book, but it ignores the trauma that we go through in taking that responsibility, so the underlying message seems really faulty to me.

The primary audience is parents of children with BPD. The author is very active in that community and has been an effective advocate and organizer.

I found the book very helpful in explaining the brain science. The guidelines for relationships are probably not going to be as helpful for those with a parent with BPD and may be extremely troubling, as Maytree describes. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it if it would be difficult for a reader to screen out what doesn't apply, or if you're not pretty far along in your process of recovery (such as the very late steps of the Survivors' Guide).

In the spirit of looking at ourselves, understanding ourselves, and taking care of ourselves, it's good to recognize others are in a different place sometimes, and step away without rancor.

I'll merge this discussion with the book review.

B&W

Honestly, I think the author is BPD. I found this book goes against everything, as non's, we are taught. It says not set boundaries, ask the BPD for advise and so on. I understand being empathetic to BPD's but this book often suggest you put their needs in front of your own. If this book is for parents with BPD children, it was not apparent to me as the reader and as an adult child of a BPDm I found it ridiculous. She often just says BPD loved one, meaning this could apply to anyone we love with BPD. If you have a child with BPD I think it might be somewhat helpful, but I still disagree with a lot of it. People, including BPD's are only as rational as you make them to be by setting boundaries and keeping them in your reality, not theirs. The author goes on to suggest you learn how to do dialect behavior therapy on your BPD to help them. She gives suggestions on how to validate them, and help them, then goes on to compare the non's life to a missed vacation in Italy. We didn't plan on having a BPD loved one and should just get over it, life isn't always what we plan, like the person who planned to Italy but ended up in Holland, really?

This book is a good read if you have children or other family member who suffers from Borderline Personality disorder, and you are seeking ways to heal and better understand your BPD loved one.

Ms. Porr is President/Founder of the Treatment and Research Advancements National Association for Personality Disorder (TARA NAPD), a not for profit education and advocacy organization representing consumers, families, and providers affected by BPD. Valerie Porr worked with Dr Marsha Linehan, developer of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and has developed a curriculum combining DBT and Mentalization teaching family members how to help their loved ones with BPD while helping themselves. Ms. Porr conducts educational seminars and Family DBT Coping Skills Workshops, trains family leaders, speaks at family and professional conferences, and has coordinated BPD research conferences with the support of the National Institute of Mental Health.

TARA, I believe it is based in NYC, I am in UK so cant do their courses, but I do get emails and I believe you are so privileged to have this after reading the book overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr.

One of the things I read which would help us is to imagine your loved one with BPD has a tiara on their head with 9 different balls on the top all different colours.

1blue, impulsive control dysregulation,

2 red mood or affective dysregulation

3 purple sensitivity dysregulation

4 green cognitive dysregulation

5 yellow emotion processing dysregulation

6 orange sleep dysregulation

7 black pain dysregulation

8 white memory dysregulation

9 pink anxiety

The book then goes on to explain the 9 dysregulations. Then at the end of all 9 explanations says this.

As a visual cue to help you remember the many systems in dysregulation in BPD and to remind you that your loved one is doing the best she can you can create a special TARA tiara to cue your memory.

It says that if you imagine the tiara on the head and you have 9 balls bopping in the air at once, Each one of those glittery balls represents a system in dysregulation, or one of the balls  the juggler is tossing into the air, these tiaras are worn during role plays in TARA family workshops. Many a family member has described incidents like this, "I was with my son, and the situation was getting very tense when I suddenly pictured him wearing the TARA tiara. I stopped being angry, I stopped judging and criticizing, and was flooded with compassion. Then I knew just what to say to him. My son seemed to feel the change and then became calmer, and crisis was averted.

Don't you just think thats brilliant, I mean I guess we all do similar things, but its so good as you cant see this illness. I wish our P would read this book. Im going to tell my older dd to read this so she can have more compassion for her clients when she is a P in Sept whe will be qualified.

Anyone who lives near TARA, tell me what you think of it, and if you go. Ill try not to be jealous  |iiii

I read the book this fall.  It was very very good.  It made so much sense to me.  It is like it opened the whole world my dd lives in.  I my other 2 adult children have read it and it has been really good for my dd to understand her sister.  She even called me one night and said she was so sorry.  She had always felt I made excuses for my BPD dd and was not doing her favors by saying what I said.  She realized from the book what I couldn't seem to explain very well, what my BPD dd was going through.  She also said,  she was so sorry because all the conversations, etc she had had with her sister was mostly wrong.  And that caused them to not communicate.  She realized how important it was to BPD dd to have family support.  Huge difference in BPD dd life right now, having her sister back. 

When I get a call I try and remember the tiara swarming around her... .  and the quote "she is doing the best she can.  Even though I keep wanting to make it all better, tell her what she should do, I keep remembering the book.  I highlighted things and go back and read them again.

I would like to do their course or attend some of the workshops except they are to far for me to travel and then add the expense of the course.  I have thought about joining in on there tele conf. or something.  I just feel sometimes I am doing all this work, reading all the stuff but until my dd does start getting help I am doing it for not.  Now I know that is not true as I think the reason my other dd and myself are able to maintain a relationship and probably helping BPD dd is because we have read and hopefull we are making her better.  

This is the best book I've read on BPD.  

She gives guidance based on evidence and real studies.  Much understanding for both the individuals with BPD and their loved ones.  

Lots to learn and specifics with how to cope and make relationships better.  Helps demystify their actions and understand your own pain.  Indeed, helps you truly walk in their shoes and feel their pain.  Also, latest research on what is really going on in their brains.   Makes the DSM criteria really mean something.

Below is a review from the Chief of Staff at Menninger--one of the best clinics in the US for treating BPD.  It's said that Menninger is the Harvard of mental illness treatment and Hazelden is the Harvard of addiction treatment.

"Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr is like water for a parched land. Few psychiatric disorders are as misunderstood as borderline personality disorder, a condition that can be profoundly disabling to patients and devastating to families. Opinions about what families should do are plentiful, but evidence-based guidance, derived from solid research, is rare. This is what this book delivers. It is an invaluable roadmap for families of patients with BPD."--John Oldham, Chief of Staff, The Menninger Clinic

Haha, yes my second bible. I was reading it at the hairdresser the other day, Im nearly at the end, I read three pages in 45 mins, I know I am a slow reader but I have to really think about what she says so that it goes in. When I finish the book I will start again.

I take photos of some of the pages and send them to dh, because he does not  seem as interested in it as me. So thats been helpful for him. Also my other d who is 22, non BPD. I emailed her a copy of two pages after she had had a terrible argument with BPD sister the night before, older dd took it personally at the time.

Theres a bit under the subject prementalisation, saying how their thought patterns become rigid, gosh so true.

Im liking the bit on MBT now at the end of her book. Dr A Bateman devised MBT, I have written to him to ask if he will speak at a group, I would love that.

Also, email TARA, they will send you news letters, so interesting

 Hi!

TARAs grieving ritual.

I read this ages ago, just remembered it and thought how good it is. I used to feel like I lost my dd when she went into crisis or mood dysregulation, I felt so sad, then Id get her back again for a short time, I read in a book once it would be better if they had cancer because they only die once. Bit extreem I know but I really understand that and I think you all would too.

The ceremony,

The TARA grieving ceremony has the following elements:

1, The group sits in a circle, placing photos of their loved ones in front of them, and discusses the differences and similarities between a mental disorder and physical disorder, the concept of grief, and inhibited and invalidated grief. Although it is extremely painful to talk about grieving for someone who is still alive, these topics resonate with family members. It is as though  a taboo has been lifted and they can finally speak the unspeakable, they can finally go where angeles fear to tread.

2, Each participant is given a candle and two smooth black stones about 2 to 3 inches in diameter. They are asked to examine their stones while they mindfully think about what their loved one has lost due to BPD. After a few moments of mindful silence, each participent takes a turn telling the group what they and their loved ones have lost because of the illness.

After they describe their loss,  participents drop their stones into a large glass bowl. Slowly the bowl is passed around the room as all the participents share their losses with one another each falling stone makes a distinctive sound as it joins the other stones.

This ritual seems to be especially meaningful for the fathers and husbands in the group (interesting eh)

I skipped a bit there as I didnt realise its long.

Hearing others acknowlege how profoundly they have been affected by BPD is incredibly movin.

3. After family members drop their stones into the bowl, they light a small candle. The twinkling candles around the table are symbolic representations of the loved one. As participents publicly grieve their losses, their candles shine in front of them.

4, The group stands in a circle and each is given a branch of Chinese evergreen, The bowl of grieving stones is filled with water and placed in the centre of the circle. Participants mindfully think about their green branches and tell the group of their hopes for themselves and their loved one. They then place their branch into the bowl.

The bowl of stones, symbolizing loss and sorrow, is transposed into a nurturing habitat for flourishing evergreen. Thus the ritual has transposed pain and sorrow into a representation of hope.

Group members join hands in a circle for mindful meditation on community and hope.

This shared experience gives participants a sense of trust and solidarity with one another, they are no longer strangers but a strong community together, a unique bond.

Just wanted to share that with you. How brilliant that is.

Wow, this  is  fantastic.  Thank  you  for  sharing  heronbird  =)

I am slowly getting this book read. I too am reading it slowly and thinking about it. The part the hits for me is how I can learn and change how I deal with DD, and this will help her become more accepting of that DBT is not like all the other threapies that have been so un-helpful for her.

DD was dx bipolar and ADHD as a very young child - age6. So many drugs we tried, so may therapies and accomadations. All only seemed to make things worse. This book really highlights this effect - the detrimental effect - of other therpies on pwBPD. The 'wrong' T is not a benign thing - it makes things worse. And I know my own crap was not that helpful either. Yet - I can work to let go of all that, work to help DD know that there is hope and she can let go of much of that -- only time will tell. But things are better here.

But maybe that is her motivation to stay out of jail with somewhat trumped up DUI charges - she is staying clean and sober to meet her bond monitoring requirements. And she is so much nicer to be areound

I understand that some will have problems with what Ms. Porr has to say.  Reading some of it I said, no way.  Then I thought

more about it and tried what she suggests.  It works when nothing else, nothing else I've tried worked.  Validating my son's feelings

first made him positively "light" up.  Someone understands; finally someone understands.  We parents were trying to reason from logic

and were being met with pure raw emotion. 

There is a saying somewhere about it is impossible to be angry with someone who understands you. 

The book has so much that is counter intuitive to people without BPD but what I have tried from her suggestions works.

I guess one of the biggest blessings in the book for me is the journey into their psyche.  I finally get a lot of where they are coming from and understand so much better what they are trying to cope with.  The description of juggling the balls is so powerful.

Funny how these threads twist and turn.  How this came down from May's review of the book, to Heron's.  I am curious about Valerie's book, and also the Buddah book as well.  The twist comes from the intended reader I think.  Being a child of a BP or the mother of a BP are very different things.  That is where the differing view comes from I am guessing.  Makes me wonder, as several of us parents are not yet grandparents, my-oh-my, it is scary to think of the cycle continuing... .

I am VERY interested in the fact our P told us that therapy will be a more effective than meds.  I am wondering if I should be approaching the T and P about "weaning", or is that only after years of therapy?  What is your take on getting them off meds, and could these meds be an underlying cause of other issues?  Could the meds actually be counter-productive with the BPD mind?  I wonder how much they are contibuting to my dd18 sleep issues and current lack of any motivation?

Guess it is time to add to my sparce BPD library... looking forward to hearing your feedback on what you learned about the meds, as well as any other parent's experience with getting off meds (albeit this a a book review thread... .if it is better to start a new one, let me know)

mikmik

I have gone back and read this thread from the beginning - I needed to get perspective on the book from the reviewers that survived childhood with a BPD parent. I needed to balance this, and something kept popping up from the very beginning of Valerie's book.

In the Preface, on pages xv "What is Psychoeducation:" and xviii "TARA's program... ." are the comments that help me to put this book into perspective. I do appreciate all I have read so far about the neuroscience of BPD and using research based therapies to manage life when we choose to stay connected to the ones we love with BPD. That choice is still always there -- we do need to do our own work to have the courage and strength to be in this relationshiop. Valerie never denies this need on the part of the family members to take care of themselves, and that they have struggled long with much dysfunction in their lives.

So what does this Preface say about her book -- it says this guide is putting the 'patient outcome' as the first priority and the 'family well-being' as the second priority. She also refers to Dr. John Gunderson's guides to living with someone  with BPD, which is one of the resorces here at bpdfamily.com. My dh and I read this article back in early 2010, soon after we had taken out the restraining order to keep DD from coming back to our home - after 'abandoning' her in jail after she was attacked by her bf - she fought back - they both ended up with assault convictions - his a felony her's a misdeanor. DD still brings this up, I repy that I did what i had to do and move to a new topic or walk away.

So if I keep this preference in mind as I read the guide to BPD treatment, it helps me to know that I still am "OK" to be taking care of myself as needed along the way.  If I do not survive, then surely I will not be here to help by BPDDD25. I have been on this BPD journey since she was dx at age 23 in May 2009. I can say only in the very recent past have I gained enough healing within myself to be able to accept Ms. Porr's viewpoint in handling my DD with BPD with sincere validation and a focus on boundaries to protect my values and r/s's with others in the family - vs. boundaries with expectations to change BPDDD.

I am continuing to work my way through this book. So many great comments -- all give value to each of our journeys.

qcr xoxo

I read more of this book last night. Truly I found the theme of the family members need for healing and recovery brought in many times.

For me, I think that I have needed to do much for myself over the past 3 years to be at a place where I can PRACTICE THE COMPASSION LEVEL REQUIRED for impacts of the changes in my actions to have an impact on my interactions with DD25. For this process to feel 'right' to me.

I had to work and work with the radical acceptance pieces - and Ms. Porr approaches the DBT stuff from 3 directions - the pwBPD, the therapist, and the family. Each party involved has to do the work for ultimate success. And the focus for each involved has a slightly different twist.

Think I will be reading some part again after I finish the book.

Also need to be kind with ourselves as this is all a process.

qcre xoxo

It does sound very much like enabling. Speaking from my own intensive personal experience, enabling is the worst possible way to deal with BPD. It makes everything a hundred times worse. Ms Porr may well be an expert but this does not mean she is infallible. No one is unfallible.

Just last century, medical experts were recommending all sorts of things we would never use now (such as smoking cigarettes to calm you down!), and as time goes on I'm sure there will be updates on dealing with BPD.

The real experts in BPD are those who have to live with a BPD loved one.

I'm  only part way through this book.  It is bringing some of my own sanity back.  Stories that describe by D17 to a "T".  All the advice I've gotten about being a bad parent, not strict enough,etc.

All I know is that normal parenting techniques don't work.

I have always wondered if it is a can't or won't situation with her.

Now that I understand the pain she is feeling my mind is racing with ways I can change my habits in little ways that will help her, even if she never goes to therapy.

Now that I know she isn't a she=devil and that with a lot of work and effort there is hope I think I can give it another go around.  She is a beautiful girl, inside and out and her behavior has been mindblowing and exhausting for the whole family.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the help I have been getting on this forum.

At this point she isn't speaking to me or answering my emails.  I'm not sure if it is because her dad has her on total lockdown or now.  My son will find out what is going on for me.

If I can educate my immediate family  about some of her needs, simple things like answering her texts.  Or texting her just to say hi once in a while would go a long way to help her become dysregulated less often.

FMN

Maytree,

You have some very valid points about this book.  I suppose it would depend on what your purpose for reading the book is.  Are you trying to help a child? is it a parent relationship?  spouse?

With the help of this book I was able to understand the workings of the mind of my d17, to understand why she can't swim so to speak.  I don't think I can save her, only she can do that.  But by learning how to keep myself from churning the waters near her and to keep her from going into panic mode it can be helpful to her, thereby, increasing her ability to save herself.

I do agree, a lot of people with BPD are just plain abusive.  If anyone treated me the way my d17 does they would be gone from my life in an instant.  But I do feel a responsibility to give it the best try that I can.  Eventually, she will have to sink or swim and for a parent it is incredibly painful to watch.

And I agree, the book is lacking on coping strategies for keeping yourself sane and setting boundaries.

BPD in children should be handled differently than in adults in my opinion.  In children there seems to be a fine line between enabling and helping them keep regulated.  In adults, walking away is a valid option.

Overall, I found this book to be quite helpful, mostly to gain insight as to what is actually driving the behaviors.

Yes I just read Maytrees posts, well most of it but got the gist  of it and I like to try to be open minded and see both sides of the coin but I cant in this issue.

I have to say, while we as carers suffer a lot, times it by ten thousand how our loved ones feel. Someone once said that having depression is like having the worse tooth ache ever times it by thousands.

Yes sure, my son broke his knee 6 weeks ago, everyone askes him, how is your knee, do you need help, do you want a lift, shall I get you a foot stool, do you need more pain killers etc etc. No one asked me how I felt, he was a pain in the neck, I had to put his sock on and take it off at the end of the day eeeeyuck. I had to make him coffees and lunch, organise lifts etc etc.

So while I recognise carers suffer, I feel for the person who is ill much more, and I have managed to stop my daughter being abusive towards me and the family through reading this book, quite honnestly, Id read about 5 books before Valeries and yes they were good, but nothing much changed with our relationship.

I have managed to get my daughter from rage and abuse because she couldnt find a sock, to calm within about 2 minutes.

After reading the book, I tried to read another BPD book, and it was too basic for me.

So what if she does not have a degree in mental health, she obviously knows her stuff, I dont have a degree, but I know more about BPD than some psychologists I have met. My daughter has a degree in psychology and masters with distinction in Mental health, I still know more than her about BPD. I just dont have the paperwork.

I dream of going to New York one day and doing a course at TARA. Hi!

Overall, I found that book to be a lifesaver... .but it didn't answer everything.

My relationship with my d17 is 1000% better because of this book.

What I struggle with is setting boundaries.  But I find that when I do successfully set a boundary... .her mood returns to baseline.

I'll post that story under the helping kids with BPD.

I JUST got this book from the library; the first time that I have seen it and have NOT yet begun to read it but I have read through this thread and am impressed that the author worked with Linehan with DBT and has that background. Looking forward to GLEANING more wisdom about the working mind of the pwBPD for my uBPDh.  xoxo

I finished the book a couple of months ago.  There is soo many important mind-saving concepts, that I started reading it again.  This time, I am making notes in the margins.  I got turned onto this book thanks to Heronbird.  Thanks again friend!  After this go through, I suspect it will be worth a third read.

Looking forward to hearing about Bateman and MBT.

mik

Started reading this book and I can say that I wish that I had read this book a year ago.

I would put it AT THE TOP of any recommended reading since it is SO THOROUGHLY helpful to the NON to understand HOW and WHY (in some cases) our pwBPD behave as they do. Learning about the physiology of the brain and understanding the physical basis of this illness is REALLY helping me.


BPD is NOT ABOUT ME... it is about my uBPDh's behavior and WHY HE behaves as he does... .what I need to learn is how to "read" him and to provide validation when needed and to NOT TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY (as he personalizes EVERY THING) in helping to make a better life for us with "what we have right now". I also understand in a more indepth way why he may not "be able" to accept that he has a mental illness and he experiences about 9x more psychic and emotional pain and only feel 1/2 the amount of joy that I do. 

Hi, Braveheart768  

I believe that the book heronbird referenced is: Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.0) - Valerie Porr

I've been reading it for several weeks now (it is GREAT!), savoring and studying it, and I highly recommend it. Many, many members here have read it and like it, also. It's for anyone with a BPD sufferer in their life, and even for people with BPD themselves (my dBPDs36 is planning on reading it after I'm done with it; I'm reading it first to make sure it's OK for him, and for him... . yeah, it's OK).

Hope this helps!

Thanks Rapt! I'm almost finished with my co-dependent book 'Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself' by Melody Beattie and then onto my BPD book titled 'I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. My therapist highly recommended both of those titles for me to help unravel the tangled wires in my brain circuitry. Perhaps others can get something out of them, too?

I'll most definitely look for the 'Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder' book by Valerie Porr, also. Every little bit helps! Thanks Rapt!

You are doing really well by reading the books you are reading; I read "Co-Dependent No More" in 1987 (yeah... . I'm that old   ) during a very trying time in my marriage, and it helped me actually save that marriage, so I recommend that book to anyone who has a relationship with anyone else~~which means everyone alive... . I've heard very good things about "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" and, of course, "Overcoming Borderline Disorder" is almost like taking a college course in the subject. Sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row here... . Things will look up   

You are doing really well by reading the books you are reading; I read "Co-Dependent No More" in 1987 (yeah... . I'm that old   ) during a very trying time in my marriage, and it helped me actually save that marriage, so I recommend that book to anyone who has a relationship with anyone else~~which means everyone alive... . I've heard very good things about "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" and, of course, "Overcoming Borderline Disorder" is almost like taking a college course in the subject. Sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row here... . Things will look up  

Thank you, Rapt. It's been difficult to deal with how and when my co-dependency started to get out of control. I can remember as far back as 2001 the only time I was really, really happy. Confident. Dependable. I think somewhere between then and now I fell into that mindset of ':)o good... . and good will come back to you.' and 'You reap what you sow.' - those sorts of things. Sometimes, these little messages can make anyone into a co-dependent!

I told myself when my ex BPD'er and I got together that I'd do what I did in 2009 and jump ship if anything with her seemed 'off'. Well, I guess with all her love bombing and mirroring, I was blinded and wasn't perceptive to the manipulating that was happening. I mean, for almost 3 months after I last saw her I made effort after effort to see her. She wanted us to get long by texting before she made the effort to call me. She used us not being together as a means to not return my calls and texts and agree to see me. A woman, who I've never even met in person but met via social media (this woman lives in TX, my ex and I live in Pa), was a threat to her for some reason... . guess it's that rabid jealousy BPD'ers feel. I added this woman on my FB friends list. My ex freaked and threw that in my face as me screwing up any chance at reconciliation. She didn't see that I'd been making efforts well beyond what I should've been making and all I heard was 'We aren't together.' If that's the case, why are you upset at me adding a woman, who I've never met and won't ever meet, on my FB friends list? FRIENDS being the operative word here! I kept hope in my heart that my efforts would be recognized, appreciated and rewarded. All it did was frustrate me and anger me, which in turn led to text arguments, insults, put downs, and everything else that can happen when someone becomes so exasperated with someone who is taking advantage of them. All that did was further her argument that I'd screwed up any chance at reconciliation. So what did I do? Make stronger efforts to prove myself!

After a while, I changed my # and made NC my priority. She contacted a close lady friend and asked for my #, and this woman did not give it to her at my request. She explained to her I needed to get myself together for the benefit of the relationship... . which it wasn't at that point. I get 2 days worth of emails basically DEMANDING I give her my new # and 'YOU KNOW WHAT CHANGING YOUR # DOES TO ME! GIVE ME YOUR F***** #!' So what does Braveheart768 do? He tries to negotiate a deal with the ex BPD'er: I give you my new #, you make the effort to call me more often than once or twice every 2 or 3 days and see me. I was recycleed into the demands this woman made and it was all in vain. The calling lasted for 2 days. I never saw her again. Had I just kept with NC, further fighting would've been avoided, more arguments, accusations and damaging words and insults would've been avoided. Perhaps we could've maintained something social. It's beyond fixing now. There was, and still might be, so much hate and anger coming from her end of town the mere mention of my name would probably have her blood pressure skyrocketing.

I read a lot of what people have said about their ex BPD'ers. Some BPD'ers abruptly leave, some people leave their BPD'ers... . and it sounds like there's always some type of contact between them and the BPD'er at some point. I won't have that problem. She left me because I apparently drove her crazy. SHE did NOTHING wrong! I started all the arguments; I didn't want the relationship to work; I was the jealous, insecure and controlling one; I was the psycho. All the things I said she was she projected onto me. How can I defend myself against people she knows? Guess I just can't worry about what her friends and family think about me and she can't worry about what my friends and family think about her.

But I want to specify something: I acknowledged my part on the demise. She didn't and won't even. She thinks she did NOTHING to warrant me getting upset. Did I go overboard with the insults and name calling? I did. She did also. I gave what I got. Plain and simple.

Being a co-dependent can really, really put a damper on ones life. We go above and beyond, most times it blows up in our faces and we're kicking ourselves for letting it. 'Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself' can hopefully get me to see life through a different set of glasses. Thanks again, Rapt. I'm slowly getting my ducks together, one duck at a time.

Oh sorry, I havent been on here for a few days. Yes yes my favourite book that helped me so much. So compassionate and empathetic understanding of BPD.

Its not easy reading, but Valerie knows that we all have a brain and probably likes to stretch us. Well that was good for me because I did find it hard going, but I knew I had to study it in order to be able to help my dd. I did and it did help me.

After I read her book, I tried to read another BPD book but I found it too simple.

I did find that I agreed with most of what Valerie said and I just think she completely gets it. Ive read loads of books on BPD, but this was so exact.

Then I realised recently that it is the only book that is written by someone who has a loved one with BPD, she is not a clinician only.

psychiatrists and other clinicians are detached, family members are in it for the long haul, we have a vested interest in the future, clinicians dont. We are emotionally attached, and that can make caring for someone with Bpd really much harder.

The book is written more for dds or ds Id say, but I think you can use it for dh or dw s. It teaches compassion, refraiming things too.

I think she covers everything actually.

My relationship with my dd would not be as good as it is if it wasnt for this book. I know Im not the only one who says this too.

It has been awhile since I have read Valrie Porr's guide on BPD. I do remember the first time I tried to read it there was a lot of resistance in me. I think her focus on the needs of the loved one with BPD conflicted with my own unresolved pain, sorrow, denail, etc... . at that time. I was not in a place where I could hear what she had to say.

As I have worked to heal myself - to recovery from the traumas of loivng my BPDDD27, then so much of what she has to say does connect with what I need to know and do to be in connection with my DD. And how to protect my core values with appropriate boundaries along this path.

Just as we parents adapt so much that is out there for couples with a BPD partner, this family focused book can be adapted to the partner wanting to love their BPD other.

Also, this book is current. It is based on the neuological research based understandings and treatments being published in past couple years. So much of what was written prior to about 2007 may be outdated. This makes this book by Porr that much more valuable as a tool in our struggle to maintain a connection to our pwBPD. A heart to heart connection.

qcr  

So many people on this board find Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming BPD, very helpful.  I thought I should let any NYCers know about this 8 week workshop.

Reality

The TARA webinars start October 26th for three weeks on Saturday morning.  The final one is December 14th called Coping With The Holidays:Heading Off Disaster. 

Sound helpful... .

Reality

yes, the grieving ceremony is so powerful.  I've shared it with others who don't have BPD in their lives because it is so powerful as a grief ceremony.

When I first learned that my loved one was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I had no idea what that meant, what we should do, and what he was going through (and what the rest of the family would need to do to deal with all of this). This book has become my Bible of BPD; I turn to it often for specific situations with my loved ones that need my attention. It is thorough and honest, but positive and encouraging in dealing with all symptoms and behaviors associated with BPD.

The information is invaluable to me, and has literally helped my whole family live a more balanced and less stressful life.

We were wondering if anyone has done the trainings with TARA Association for Personality Disorder and how you felt about it? Was it helpful? How were the workshop facilitators?

I took the Tara training.  I found it helpful.  The trainers are very experienced.  Valerie presents a lot of scientific research about BPD.  Over all, I would say it was worthwhile and educational and started me thinking differently about my role in my son's recovery.

Hello there:

Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, is indispensable.  The concept of the TARA Tiara, the metaphor for the life experience of someone with BPD, is brilliantly illustrative of the complexity of the problems faced by the person with BPD.  It helps one to understand why pwBPD do recover when given the skills to regulate their emotions and tolerate distress.  

As well, the chapter on Mentalization is exceptional, as this therapy moves from a technique, formulaic approach to an individualized conversational, less esoteric way of understanding.  I think different therapies are very helpful, as there is a cultural context for the various approaches.  

People with BPD are complex.  Typical parenting is often not useful.  Often one of the parents is a highly sensitive person, as well. It makes the family dynamic very difficult.  I think that is why family therapy is so helpful.  Rather than pathologizing, I think it is wise to see the dynamics as extraordinarily complex; thus, outside help is very necessary.  

Understanding the person with BPD releases endorphins, changing the brains of everyone involved.  This is a problem of hyper-delayed maturity often with substances in the mix.  

Very difficult situations. Dr Maria Sirois, in her workshop on resilience, highlights the importance of support and compassionate help.   That is why support of all kinds is necessary.  When someone supports the parents, endorphins are also released and the parents can think more clearly.  That is why this supporting board is so helpful.  Just knowing that someone listens is a very powerful cognition booster.  Neuro-science supports this dynamic conclusively.

Bottom line, from neuro-science, is  that kindness, compassion and understanding heals the brain and body.  Kindness to oneself first as in the time-worn reality-check: Love your neighbor as yourself.  It is assumed in the Greek understanding that one loves oneself.  In our modern culture, it can no longer be assumed.  We are programmed to look good and sound good.  Take care of your body, mind and soul.  Ask for help from whomever you can find.  

Musings from Reality

Valerie Porr's book is the best thing I've ever found.  My son spent 6 weeks at Menninger and made great progress and is getting his life back.  Porr's book is recommended by them and I have found so many ways to communicate with my son that are so much better than I was using.  Amazing book; can't recommend it enough. 

Once I found out about my boyfriend's BPD ex I began to read many books on the subject.  I really liked this book I felt it was very clear, organized and sympathetic to the person with BPD.  A good resource.  I have recommended this book to others.

Hi all

I started reading this book this past week and it has made a HUGE difference for me.

It has given me more of the biological insight into why my uBPDw does what she does, and to really not take things personally, as well as have much much more compassion for her.  

Skip reviewed a while back, but wanted to bring it to light again.  Such a great resource. I found it much more helpful than "Eggshells".
bpdfamily.org/2011/03/how-to-support-someone-with-borderline.html

The book gets into the details on DBT, and I'm finding it extremely insightful as I get ready to go into it myself.

1

This book was my first introduction to BPD.

Like other posters in this thread, I also highlighted texts, tried to read more slowly and thought of it as my "second Bible".   Everything the author Valerie said resonated with me.  Things that I felt in my heart for years but couldn't put words to.

This book has helped me tremendously.  My only regret is that I didn't have this book years earlier.   I feel like if I had been armed with the knowledge from this book I could have prevented events in our family that have caused my uBPD son crushing pain and serious damaging depression and obsessive rumination since then.   

I do respect everyone's posts about this book, however in regards to the first post I got a much different perception from the information given.  In the analogy of "saving a drowning person" I personally felt that Valerie Porr was throwing me the life preserver, the rope, and all the tools that I needed because an actual professional lifeguard was simply not present.  She did so without the promise of being able to save the drowning victim, but with the hope and also with the safety equipment not to drown myself.

This book actually inspired me to want to start a local support group, and then that is what led me here. 

I feel that this is a book for people who still love the person with BPD and want to understand them and improve their relationship.   It is an ideal book for parents of children and adult children with BPD.

Highly recommended.