BPDFamily.com

Date: Sep=2010(https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif)Minutes: 12:45
The 5 Faces of Borderline Personality Disorder

Although, I am in the "[L3] Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with Borderline Personality" forum most of the time, I thought this video was interesting and I think it belongs to this forum. I hope it will help to understand your BPD partners behaviour better.

Instead of definitions, it gives a conversational examples to describe:

• Detached protector
• The punitive parent
• Abandoned/abused child
• Angry/impulsive child
• The healthy adult.

All best… Zero

I enjoyed the video.  Thanks.

thanks for posting, I also enjoyed this video.

Excellent, clearly presented video.  Thanks!

Thank you, Zero_Gravity . I am very glad I saw that. Much appreciated  |iiii.

really good video... good point about honesty too... fake compliments dont really do any good... honest ones can get through...

yeah... really good...

I love this guy, he is doing a great job with his recovery. I wish more pwBPD would take control of their own recovery. Kudos to him.

Thanks for the video, sometimes its better to watch and have it explained instead of just reading a article.

This video was really eye opening.  Seeing it in real world situation really brought this to a different level.

i liked this video a lot, but this vid and 500 days of summer both made me realize that my BPD ex was in rage mode more than the examples i've seen.

This may help:

Some of the identified Schema modes of which patients and clients are educated about via therapy are as follows

Angry child- This mode is fueled mainly by feelings of victimization or bitterness, leading towards negativity, pessimism, jealousy, rage, and so forth. While experiencing this schema mode, a patient may have urges to yell, scream, throw/break things, or possibly even self-injury/harming others. The "angry child" is enraged, anxious, frustrated, self-doubting, feels unsupported in ideas, and vulnerable.

Impulsive Child - This is the mode where anything goes. Theoretically if an individual is having an "identity crisis" or moments of depersonalization this mode might come into play. Behaviors of the "impulsive child" may include: reckless driving, substance abuse, cutting oneself with lack of suicidal thoughts, gambling, fits of rage such as: punching a wall when "triggered" or laying the blame of whatever circumstance upon innocent peers. Unsafe sex, rash decisions to run away from a situation without resolution, tantrums perceived by peers as infantile, and so forth are a mere few of the behaviors of which an "impulsive child" might display. "impulsive Child" is the rebellious and careless schema mode and can lead to conscious suicidal thoughts if not stopped.

Detached Protector - This schema mode is based in escape. Individuals in "detached protector" withdraw, dissociate, alienate, or hide in some way. This may be triggered by numerous stress factors or feelings of being overwhelmed. The lack of coping skills when a person is in a life situation involving high-demand or a chain of thoughts/emotions revolving obsessively often can trigger "detached protector." Stated simply, the patient becomes numb in order to protect oneself from the harm or stress of which they fear is to come/fear of the unknown in general. Mistrust is often a culprit in "triggering" such fears.

Abandoned Child - The "abandoned child" is a schema mode in which a person may feel defective in some way, thrown aside, unloved, obviously alone, or may be in a "me against the world" mindset. Feeling as though peers, friends, family, and even the entire world have abandoned a person are the things which live within this schema mode. Behaviors of individuals stuck in "abandoned child" include, but are not limited to: falling into major depression, pessimism, feeling unwanted, inferiority complexes arising, feeling unworthy of love, and personality traits perceived as unchangeable flaws are the ways of the "abandoned child." In this mode suicidal idealization, suicidal tendencies, hypersensitivity to criticism/compliments, stubbornness, avoidable behavior, and the "why bother?" attitude all make up "abandoned child."

Rarely, a patient's personal perceived flaws may be intentionally with-held on the inside. When this occurs, instead of showing one's true self, the patient may appear to others as "egotistical", "attention-seeking", selfish, distant, and may exhibit behaviors unlike their true nature. In this mode, the patient might create a narcissistic alter-ego/persona in order to escape or hide the insecurity from others. Due to fear of rejection, and poor self image, of feeling disconnected from their true self these patients (who truly desire companionship/affection) may end up pushing others away. This rare behavior can also be a self-soothing (yet unhealthy) self-therapy technique. It feeds the "abandoned child" delusion and becomes hazardous in the end.

    * Abandoned child is a self-defeating mode as a whole. The person feels defective and abandoned, thus may abandon their own self and choose to remain "abandoned" as it is what they believe they know and therefore comforting.

    * Punitive Parent - The Punitive Parent schema mode is identified by beliefs of a patient that they should be harshly punished perhaps due to feeling "defective", or making a simple mistake. They may feel that they should be punished for even existing when "punitive parent" takes over the psyche. Sadness, anger, impatience, and judgmental natures come out in "punitive parent" and are directed to the patient and from the patient. Even a small and solvable issue or unrealistic perfectionist expectations and "black and white thinking" all bring forth the "punitive parent." The "punitive parent" has great difficulty in forgiving oneself even under average circumstances in which anyone could fall short of their standards. The "Punitive Parent" does not wish to allow for human error or imperfection, thus punishment is what this mode seeks and what it desires.

    * Healthy Adult - The "Healthy Adult" schema mode is what Schema Therapy strives to help a patient achieve as the long-lasting state of well-being. The "healthy adult" is good with decision making, nurturing, comforting, ambitious, sets limits and boundaries, forms healthy relationships, takes on all responsibility, sees things through, and enjoys/partakes in enjoyable adult activities and interests with boundaries enforced, takes care of his/her physical health as well, is rational, a problem-solver, someone who thinks before acting, someone aware of their self worth, well-balanced mentally, emotionally, and physically. The "healthy adult" is grown up and loves his/herself. In this schema mode the person focuses on the present day with hope and strives towards the best tomorrow possible. The "healthy adult" forgives the past, no longer sees oneself as a victim (but as a survivor), and expresses all emotions in ways of which are healthy and cause no harm.

Thanks Skip. That was an eye opener. I had a general idea of Schema Therapy & gained from that. Now I will go into it deeper.

Thanks Skip!  Fantastic video!... I've seen that movie right in my own home! LOL  I'm so glad he broke down what in the world they are thinking.  I would have those conversations and not know how my family members or ex would jump from one reaction to another with no provocation from me.  Very helpful.  It also show me all of the things my mom was doing to me while she was being a punitive parent toward me.

This video came up again in my reminders & I was glad of it. It reminded me how crazy these BPDs in my family are. How could I forget? Good to be reminded.

This Dutch guy is called Bas and he has a channel on You Tube called MeAndMyBlackTable. He himself has the disorder and some of his videos were immensely informative to me.  

He also gave me hope: I realize a lot of people with BPD are massively sick and have little to no hope for recovery, but he seems to have improved a lot on his journey.

In case you are wondering who he is or what he's all about, here are some links to othehr videos I found particularly useful and optimistic:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1o2tORz1tc&list=FLEP4Yr08NIhAVkCPNDGbclQ&index=5&feature=plpp_video

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6owMR1hSY&feature=relmfu

very good short videos by Bas... .thanks for posting the links.

Are there pple on this site who have either been diagnosed with BPD or suspect they have it as hearing from them is what a lot of us crave it seems... .so we can try to better understand how they think/feel/are triggered etc.

Thanks so much for posting this video... .

if I had had ANY doubt that my fiance had BPD; I wouldn't doubt it any more. The video was so clear it was scary.

I feel that I have dealt with the "punitive parent" quite a bit... .(encouraged by REAL abuse from his father) and he has voiced that "compliments are scary; he is not allowed to have them".

I have seen way too much of the "angry child" due to my own past abuse issues and constantly fighting my "withdrawl" at the increasing volume and anger in his voice .

He really is an awesome person and I am hoping that the HEALTHY ADULT will win his battles, I will be his "champion" and fight along side him.

Knowing that it MUST be BPD that I have been facing, is strangely relieving... .I appreciate this place very much... .thank you for your support.

I found this video on youtube awhile back. This man with BPD talks about schema therapy and what a pwBPD is thinking about when they have a discussion. It's very interesting.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6owMR1hSY

thinking

Good recommendation you made.  I, too, found that video very intriguing.  You Tube has several other videos on Schema Therapy, as well.

Reality

Thanks Thinking Hi!

Dont know why but that video made me cry. Do you think schema would be innapropraaite for my dd, we get on and she does not think I am harsh, shes never been abused or any of the other issues mentioned in the video.

So I am a bit confussed as to weather it would help us. But she is just like the man in it when I talk to her.

I wish she would watch it, but shed go mad if I asked her to.

Thinking - thanks for the link.

I have to remember that the 'punitive parent' is a state that the pwBPD is in -- not that "I" am that 'punitive parent'. Though there have been many times when I was not able to help provide that 'safe place' for DD to shift into other mental states of being.

qcr

I found this very interesting. When I was with my uBPDexgf, it always felt like I was talking to different personas. She was mostly healthy adult, but punitive parent and abandoned child would come out once or twice a day. I quickly learned how to deal with them and get her back to healthy adult. She went through a week of mostly angry child, which was pretty bad. I eventually figured it out and was able to keep her out of it. The one that I have problems with and can't seem to overcome is detached protector.

The first time detached protector appeared, I wasn't sure what was wrong with her. She had spent the night partying and I hadn't heard from her in almost a day despite our plans. I was worried and her phone died. She said she got home, cleaned her house and did a bunch of other things before contacting me. I was obviously upset, and she didn't seem to care at all which hurt even more. I suggested I go, and she said okay. A few minutes later she snapped out of it and was back to her normal self. She apologized and explained how she felt. She described it as being trapped inside herself, unable to feel, but knowing everything she was doing was wrong.

The second time was when we had a week alone together. She was stressed by the situation, and spent most of the time playing on her laptop obsessively ignoring everything else. We had a lot of plans for the week and nothing ended up happening. When she came out of it, she apologized for ruining the week.

The last time is when she flew back to Australia. In the airport here and during her layover she was normal, really upset and full of emotion. As soon as she got back she was detached and distant. She spent the first week back with her two closest friends, who also noticed she wasn't right. She seemed to be getting back to normal by the end of the week, but then flew to the city where she lives. She went back into detached protector for another week then started to come out of it. She got close to her normal self, then I met an old friend at a concert. She went into detached protector, stopped talking to me for a few days, then broke up with me out of nowhere.

She said we could still be friends, but conversations seemed to get harder for her. Whenever we'd talk as soon as her emotions seemed to start leaking through a bit she'd suddenly have to go. She then got to the point where she didn't seem to be able to talk to me at all, and she ended up cutting contact. After a month of NC I decided to contact her, and she was still in detached protector. She really seemed to be suffering. I pushed as hard as I could to break through, but she cut me off before the shell cracked.

What's the best way to deal with the detached protector? Is waiting the only option? I've tried understanding, fighting it, and breaking through it, but nothing seems to work.

Henry Saria, i know this is late. But the second to last paragraph you posted explains my situation perfectly. Have you gotten through the detached protector? According to jeffery young, this is the most difficult mode to break through and no work can be accomplished by the therapist when patient is in this mode. He claims he tries to get the patient back into abandon child mode by reminding them how they feel in that mode.

I found myself really triggered by this. I've dealt with the "protector" in my relationship and let me tell you, it is nasty. I recognize the facial expressions and everything. Its very chilling. Why would anybody want to pursue a relationship with someone like that? I couldn't even get past the protector part with the guy telling us how to earn the protector's trust and all that. Why would someone want to win the trust of an abusive person?

Explain further what your talking about please ...

Some of us grew up with parents with BPD or NPD. To spin on what I learned in at-risk youth mentoring ("You don't know what you don't know", sometimes we only know what we know. It doesn't apply to everyone here, but to a lot of us, abuse=love.

Thanks Turkish, I do believe my mom has traits of BPD and my dad has traits of NPD which would explain why I picked a man with traits of both. The protector mask really gives me the chills.

Once I found this video. It’s from a young man diagnosed with BPD. His video ‘the 5 faces of BPD’ shows a 746.000 hits, a video in which he switch places in a dialogue with himself.  

Although it is not telling how pwBPD feels inside, it gives a view of how pwBPD can react on in a for us innocent and non confrontational dialogue.  


Date: Sep=2010(https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif)Minutes: 12:45
The 5 Faces of Borderline Personality Disorder

https://www.youtube.com/user/MeAndMyBlackTable/about