BPDFamily.com

Hi guys, my mind is playing tricks on me again. My ex wasn't properly diagnosed by our T because she stopped going to counselling. According to my ex and her Uncle the cops were called for her in her teen years because one of her rages got out of control and she threatened to stab her Mum. Her uncle told me of many rages she had in her teen year especially with her mum. She told me her insides felt horrible and she had demons inside her. She would have many grandiose plans that any normal person could see would not work. Other times her depression was veryyyyyy deep. She told me of being sexually abused at a young age but had problems remembering exactly what happened. I believe her since we always had problems with sexual intercourse. She always wanted to do new stuff, new friends, new hobbies, new job. As soon as any problem occurred in any of the above, boom, no good could come from any of them. Her family and my family was painted black. Both T's were painted black.  New friends were painted black as soon as they didn't do what she wanted. At some point the entire world hated her and was out to get her.  She always felt her dead great grandmother was using black magic from the grave. These r/s usually only last a few weeks to a few months. Has me wondering how come new guy isn't black yet?

At first when we met everything was going good, however as time passed she found everything wrong with my personality. Sometimes the r/s would be going really great, she would get angry and say it's going too good so she knows something wrong, so she's angry although nothing is wrong . ? Sleeping while she was awake was an issue. Her thinking was that I was sleeping to avoid her. At some points no matter what I did, I did it alllll wrong. The last rage she had she threw something and hit my car, she threatened to ram my car with hers if I didn't move it. She screamed all kinds of profanity at me.

My reason for asking these questions is because she knows her family has been corresponding with me, now they seem to have been painted white. I think it may have to do with the fact that she needs them to sign her loan since I requested my name off. Guys please be honest with me; tell me if you think she's really BPD.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

The important thing to realize is that she's NOT NORMAL.

For example, let's pretend they came out with a brand NEW disorder tomorrow. It is similar to BPD with a few differences. Now we have to wonder if our ex is that new disorder, right?

Lets see. Is she borderline? Is she histrionic? Narcissistic? A combination of traits?

It does not really matter. Mine was not officially diagnosed. She does not have to be. I know what she is. She knows she is not normal. Period.

They are disordered people who are toxic. They are screwed up. Mine knows she is but cycles back into denial. We are free of them now. Look forward.

I was even wondering if I'm the one who isn't normal.

Well, we all have issues. We all have baggage. Coming out of a toxic r/s is quite confusing. It's called crazy making. We need to distance ourselves and get this toxic crap out of us.

Sounds like BPD to me.  Much of what you write I recognise in my ex's behaviour although she's never been diagnosed either.

Events leave me confused at times as to whether I made the right decision to leave.

She's troubled. It doesn't matter how you dot the initial or cross the t. Let her actions speak- they say abuse in any language.

You need to put a boundary up to stop engaging in the drama. Ask yourself why you feel best qualified to help this woman when her family has not been able to help in the past.  If they are now painted white, then she has support from them. Time to walk away.  

The care and consideration you feel toward her should be care and consideration for yourself. Do you need to be needed by other people in order to feel valued?  Ask yourself why you ignore your own needs for safety and consideration and instead give them to someone who violates trust and appears delusional, someone who claims to have demons inside, threatens to stab her own Mother and has threatened *you* - the one person who clearly values her.  

What does it take for you to get away from the violence, witness your own involvement and then stop participating in it?

Ever so often I keep thinking she is getting better with new guy and I made a mistake by walking away.

The implications of this statement are: She is getting better *with* the new guy.

Even with the new guy out of the picture *she* is getting better.

If only you had waited for her to change... .

What you are really seeing with the "new guy" is the beginning of a Borderline relationship, where all is well and everyone happy. There's the part-time self that exists "intrapsychically" inside her head that seeks reward. New guy is very rewarding as a reflection of her good. She needs that new guy to represent that good. That's why Borderline mirroring is so deadly- the target doesn't think that the mirror comes with an ulterior motive- Borderline splitting.

Unfortunately, that good has an evil twin and the bad exists very close to the surface. It's kept in control by the level of good she feels. The minute that the new guy doesn't return a phone call quickly or says something that she perceives to be uncaring or a slight criticism, her bad begins to take over- and when it does, a frantic search begins all over again for the needed replacements of good.  You see, this isn't just a desire- it's a need. Borderlines live with two part time selves and they get much of their anxiety from trying to keep the pendulum from swinging back and forth. Now that the new guy cannot be counted on- he's considered a punitive, criticizing, withdrawing object away from good- much in the same way that was done to you.

Her reward is found in actions toward the seeking out of good. Are you going to be called into action again? Possibly. You were an old repository of good, but you were also wearing the cloak of bad quite well. Because you were so committed to her, you've suffered- and your reflection is now of pain. Perhaps it's time for her to seek out a completely new person who doesn't know she's been bad.

Now, think of the ways that she would get attention. What would allow for a rewarding exchange? Her Intellect? Appearance? Both require interaction for her to find rewarding objects. Easiest way to do this is to go on the Internet and line up some prospects. All this while new guy is wondering what the heck just happened and where he is to ex-bf_worried in the wings. (It's getting crowded in there.)

This way, she can have all of you hold out hope that she's "getting better."  After all, she has obvious potential and everyone recognizes the potential. It is what binds everyone together in some sort of common purpose; in order to help her realize her potential. She uses this potential as a lure. This way she keeps her rewarding objects close while fending off the bad she feels (oh yes, she cast off her bad onto you like a net- and you're wearing it still) while she's still stealthily searching for new objects.

That search will be kept hidden. When someone has Borderline personality disorder, when someone is dependent upon something to feel better about themselves, they will not be and they cannot be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you. They are too busy within the workings of the disorder. It's a disorder.  You have to respect that fact. It is stronger than you and it is located within their mind, hidden from view. You do not control it. You cannot cure it.  You can only control yourself- and that starts with acceptance of the problem and acceptance of the fact that there is nothing you can do about it. So stop worrying. Everything is going to be OK. You will get through this once you find resignation. Then you can begin the process of looking at yourself. And that's the most important job you will ever have. :light:

2010 as usual thank you. The possibilty of me being called into action by her again is an impossibility. My T told me not to say that but I did. After I took her stuff to grandad's place and her entire family now knows we arent together , as well as I asked her to remove my name from her school loan; I know I will never be painted white again, she would have to be at the bottom of the pit to ask for my help. As the months pass I am getting better, I am now convinced it's only a matter of time before the devil comes out of her and attacks him. The only person I feel sorry for is his child mother and his daughter. If he stays in too long his daughter will be losing daddy for sure because she is really good at culling you from the herd. I have looked long and hard at myself and I keep asking myself why did I stay so long. Now its over I realise that I wasn't living my life. I feel so stupid. I'm now starting to have fun again. I lost 8 years of my life.

I hear you. I doubt I will ever be painted white again. Why?

1. unlike most of her ex's, I discovered her cheating and lying

2. I exposed her and her boss

3. I have been ignoring her and I rejected her, giving her back all her stuff

4. I already replaced her in one of my art images

I will be painted black forever like the others.

Thus far I have never seen anyone in her life that she has painted black, been painted white again. No one. She makes attempts to be cordial but thats it.